Wonkette

America’s queen of hearts, Chelsea Clinton, got married today! It’s about time, right? Bristol Palin will probably be on her third or fourth “old man” by the time she’s 30 years old. Anyway, we forgot to cover this wedding of an adult person, even though it is true that her mom is secretary of state and her dad used to have some job in politics or on Wall Street, can’t remember what. Maybe a marketing firm will send us some pictures we can post that have some tangential relationship to the subject of “Chelsea Clinton’s wedding.” MORE »

It’s probably not very much fun to split up with your wife of 75 years and then have the Huffington Post say you’ve been cheating with Larry David’s wife and then have some masseuse in Oregon claim, to the National Enquirer, that you tried to practice your love on her three years ago when she showed up to give you a hotel massage, for global warming. The world is still melting and Tipper is still boycotting her Prince records alone these days, but at least the Criminal Sex Monster allegations can be put to rest. Al Gore is free to continue fixing the climate and fuming about losing the presidency in 2000 after winning the election and then getting sucker-punched by the Supreme Court. MORE »

• According to 2010 “constitutional law,” impeaching ol’Bama is pretty darn tricky. Luckily, some brave Georgian-era nobility have come forth to impeach Obama in the year 1810.
• Patrick Henry rematerialized in our time to audition for a starring role in Ocean’s 14.
• Barack took precious time away from inventorying Michelle’s secret fur freezer to appear on Barbara Walters’ personal brothel and news program, The View.
• Our beloved psychic Octopus will be whisked away to Hogwarts to protect it from Iran’s nuclear missile program.
• This post-dubstep, chillwave-influenced slice of caribou twee-pop glimmers with shoegaze textures lovingly purloined from lead singer Ray Stevens’ careful study of Animal Collective’s more dissonant moments. 8.7/10
• Virgin-grandma-whore Sarah Palin’s new book cover features an image of the Lady of Grizzlington violently stabbing herself in the chest so she may return to the resurrection ship for a fresh set of breasts.
• It turns out that the defense budget isn’t meant for hookers and blow (ALLEGEDLY).

Defense Secretary Robert Gates addressed this week’s Boy Scout Jamboree, the most important event in our nation’s history, because SOMEBODY couldn’t bother to come. The Wall Street Journal described Gate’s speech as “cranky” — just because he attacked the character of innocent young (non Boy Scout) Americans, who are “increasingly physically unfit.” MORE »

GET ON THIS MAN’S UNDERGROUND RAILROAD, BLACK PEOPLE! Haha, you guys are on a plantation still. WHAT? THAT IS NOT OFFENSIVE! You are slaves to statists, you see. And this man is allowed to say you are being enslaved by the Democrats because HE IS BLACK. So why don’t you watch this hip movie? Look, that man is running places! RUN! RUN! RUN! Stop criticizing tax cuts for the rich! RUN, GOD DAMNIT, YOU STUPID SLAVES! MORE »

Newt Gingrich is very busy! Look, there he is, saying Sarah Palin will run for president! And wow, he wants us to explode the other two members of the “Axis of Evil!” But more importantly, it is his job to stoke fear over the proposed mosque near the World Trade Center site, so it is no surprise he is using that hate to raise money for himself. You know what is a surprise? The Anti-Defamation League is joining him in this hate. MORE »

SO CHARLIE RANGEL CAN RUN FOR PRESIDENT NOW, AND HUNT MOOSLIMS AT GROUND ZERO? “The subcommittee that investigated Rep. Charles Rangel (D-N.Y.) has recommended that the embattled lawmaker face just a ‘reprimand,’ a mild form of punishment similar to that given to Rep. Newt Gingrich (R-Ga.) when he was rebuked in 1997.” [Washington Post]

You know, I originally pitched this weekly column to Tiger Beat, and they obviously jumped at it. But then I realized that the best place in the world for my devotion to Our Pantymelter in Chief was this reactionary liberal blog for overeducated elitist assholes, which is why Wonkette and I are happy to bring you another edition of “Barry Can You Hear Me?” MORE »

When will Barack Obama stop dicking around on his BlackBerry and offer to help Sarah Palin kill all the Mexicans squeezing through our giant pore-border with Mexico? Also, what? [Twitter]

Connecticut GOP Senate candidate Peter Schiff is trying to raise enough funds to educate the good people of the Nutmeg State about his primary opponent, wrestling lady Linda McMahon, and her out-of-control, crotch-kicking ways. This information could save thousands of Republican men from making unwanted trips to the testicle doctor. MORE »

It takes a kind, familiar stroke-voice to relate information to people with stroke-voices, so Medicare has signed up Andy Griffith to tell them about the changes that colored man has made to their Medicare benefits WITHOUT ASKING THEM FIRST. Yes, Andy Griffith, the man who played the sheriff who was exonerated for killing the character “Rodney King” on The Andy Griffith Show and the detective who raped, decapitated, and ate a woman in a cookie factory on Matlock. Andy Griffith is being paid to keep old people quiet while President Obama quietly runs up behind them and kills them. MORE »

The fate of our democracy hinges on the life of a single man: Levi Johnston. AND IT IS FOR THIS REASON that we follow him closely. There may be other issues that are more interesting to cover, but we have a duty to blog about Levi Johnston and the sex he may or may not be having, even though it is boring. And thus, we must tell you that Levi Johnston is “one of three possible fathers” of the baby that now resides in his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia. The stock markets are fluctuating wildly on word of this important news. MORE »

Has anyone ever told you that you look like professional secessionist Rick Perry, leader of the Most Glorious on High Kingdom de Tejas y Rattlesnakes? Well, today might be your lucky day, because there is a job in Austin waiting for you! It involves acting and could make you famous among said rattlesnakes, and also predator drones. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
As our nation’s level of unemployment continues to skyrocket, we must ask ourselves: Are we all hobos, now? Answer: yes. But how will this affect the hobo sector of the American economy, which has always been governed by a strict set of rules? First the hobo hassles some square dude or lady in a suit, and then the square either sneers “Get a job, hobo,” or guiltily throws some money at the hobo without making eye contact, or, if they’re particularly self-righteous, gives them the soggy, leftover half of a sandwich they couldn’t finish at lunch, while the hobo thinks, “Damn, how am I supposed to buy drugs with this half-eaten pesto-chicken on ciabatta?” Now that there are no more squares and no more sandwiches, America is changed forever. This is all a roundabout way of saying that there are drawings of hobos (and also demons) after the jump. MORE »

Here is New York Democrat Rep. Anthony Weiner on the House floor, yelling and pointing. Haha, he cares about his country and likes calling Republicans on their bullshit sometimes. Yeah, that is probably not going to work, but it is entertaining! The bill in question would have provided $7.4 billion in heath care benefits to 9/11 recovery workers, but it failed. Republicans said they voted against it because of “procedure,” according to Weiner’s tirade, and we always listen to people who are yelling, so let’s assume that is the whole story there. Later, Weiner was on Fox News and yelled at Rep. Peter King through the camera, even though King was standing behind him. MORE »

Michael Fenter wasn’t down with President Barack Obamar’s socialistic jillion-dollar bailouts of the nation’s banks AT ALL. So one day the Seattle area boat builder, farmer-man and hardcore Real American grabbed his gun, got into his Libertymobile and started robbing banks in Washington state and California — to take the bailout money back. For a while there, he was really on a roll! But then America decided to punish him for expressing his love of country in this most eclectic manner. MORE »