Wonkette

Best interview ever. [CNN]

EX-GIRLFRIEND ALMOST GETS MARION BARRY IN A LOT OF TROUBLE AGAIN: “The Office of Campaign Finance has cleared D.C. Council member Marion Barry (D-Ward 8) of violating city laws in giving then-girlfriend Donna Watts-Brighthaupt a $5,000-a-month contract in 2009.” Hurray! [Washington Post]

You might remember “Dick Wadhams,” the Colorado GOP chairman with the funny name who was bleating about how Tom Tancredo shouldn’t run for Colorado Governor a couple of weeks ago. And if you have a really long attention span, you might remember him as the guy that Slate dubbed “Karl Rove’s heir apparent” in 2005. But Karl Rove is probably shaking his head in disgust at the sad sate of Wadham’s career, which hit a new low last weekend when a bunch of mean people bought dumpdickwadhams.com and put that absolutely wonderful picture of him above on it. MORE »

What happens when the blacks criminals break into your house? You pick one of your 63 guns off the shelf, shoot them until their brain matter splatters all over you, and lick your fingers after a job well done, right? But what if these criminals are there to take away your God-given Second Amendment rights by stealing all of your guns? This is the premise of a hilarious service, the aptly-named hideyourguns.com, which advertises on conservative websites. This thing wants to sell you a $60 manual (please look at the cover art) that will keep you one step ahead of the criminals who want to steal all of your precious guns. MORE »

Since we introduced you to your 2010 election boyfriend, Basil Marceaux, the man and his opposition to traffic-stop slavery have achieved virulence here on the Internets. Basil’s infamous local news broadcast introduction to voters has shown up and been laughed about on teevee shows as well. But the problem is that, despite his seeming avoidance of sanity and spelling and grammar norms, Basil is aware that he is now Internet-famous and is now looking to capitalize on it. Basil needs to put on a brave face and go back to being 100% crazy, because right now he may be JUMPING THE SHARK. MORE »

We journey to the center of the MoDo in order to discover deep truths about ourselves and the world in which we dwell. In this installment, we learn about the teevee shows and the movie-films that Our Lady of the Bleeding Pulitzer enjoys. Also, there are many references to whores! Is Maureen for ’em or against ’em? Or is it maybe more complex than that, complex enough to pad out a column’s word count? Read on to find out! MORE »

Did you know that the President’s wife has an office? Neither did Politico, until last week, when someone probably wondered aloud, at a staff meeting, “Where does the First Lady go when she’s not shopping or doing other lady things?” And no one knew the answer, so they decided to investigate. They discovered that in addition to soliciting signatures for Barack’s birthday cards and taking vacations down in the Gulf, FLOTUS specializes in home decor. The design experts at Politico have seen the First Lady’s East Wing Office and say, “One thing’s for sure: The space is a far cry from the President’s Oval Office.” Let’s explore Politico’s findings, because what could be more important right now than the First Lady’s competence as an interior decorator? MORE »

Good ol’ Ben Nelson is liberal America’s favorite Democrat to hate, when they aren’t hating semi-Democrat Joe Lieberman for general douchebaggery, or Obama for failing at everything they hoped for him all the time. Well, did you think that maybe Ben Nelson is sick of you guys, too? Tired of all your carping about how he is too conservative, and always not voting for liberal judges, or threatening to vote against major Democratic agenda items? Did you ever think that maybe Ben Nelson is one of these days just going to up and turn Republican? Huh? DID YOU? MORE »

Most of us missed yesterday’s episode of “Fox News Sunday,” because Sunday is the Lord’s Day, the day when you crawl off the couch and dirtbike to church so you can show Jesus the new unregistered semiautomatic you purchased at Walmart. But anyway, back to this Fox News segment: Chris Wallace blurts out something about “the Arab Arizona immigration law,” which is confusing because “Arab” should never be used as a compliment. But that is neither here nor there. The real hot-as-Tim Pawlenty’s-hot-wife scoop is that Sarah Palin was too busy fantasizing about the size of Barack Obama’s genitals to notice that Chris Wallace called Arizona “Arab”. This video is Suitable for Work, but only because Sarah Palin stops herself at the last possible moment from orgasming all over the teevee. MORE »

U.S. District Court Judge Henry E. Hudson refused today to dismiss a lawsuit filed by Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli II, against the federal health-care reform law, so opponents of health care will now have their day in court. “While this case raises a host of complex constitutional issues, all seem to distill to the single question of whether or not Congress has the power to regulate — and tax — a citizen’s decision not to participate in interstate commerce,” Hudson wrote in his opinion, discussing the merit of Bristol and Levi’s big split. So is this the end of health care as we almost knew it? MORE »

Ever since you first learned that Newsweek was being sold, you have wondered: who will buy this money-losing magazine? Will it be someone hilarious, like the Politico or NewsMax? Today, at long last, the answer was revealed, and it is … Sidney Harman, 91-year-old speaker impresario and husband of Congresslady Jane Harman? Sure, why not, we can’t see any conflicts of interest arising from that tie-up! MORE »

For the past few weeks our nation has had hope. Bristol and Levi got back together! That is a leading indicator of decreasing unemployment, somehow, probably! But now those two kids no longer are getting married. It has been reported, with journalism, that Levi’s pregnant ex-girlfriend is not the issue; rather, it’s another ex-girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend with whom Bristol saw Levi in a Facebook photo. What does this mean for Levi’s new job as OMB Director and the future of America itself? We could try to make you wait until after the jump to answer this question, but it’s clear EVERYTHING IS RUINED. MORE »

ACTION ALERT! You may not be aware that there are products and services you are supposed to be boycotting right now, so your Wonkette reporter of homosexuals is here to save the day! Things used to be much simpler, back when the American Family Association was boycotting McDonald’s for their excessive gayness, by leaving hilarious comments on the internet about how their Real ‘Murkan families didn’t NEED no Big Macs, and could just suck their trans fats through a straw, like Jesus taught them in the Bible. However, this summer, things are Complicated, because everybody is boycotting everything, due to Too Many Gays, Not Enough Gays, Gays in France, Lesbian Carpenters, Gays on Skates, and of course, Messicans. So, let’s see if we can help everybody out with a handy guide! MORE »

President Obama has finally decided to end his ill-begotten idea to make war on Iraq, and he will be joining anti-war activist George W. Bush and motivational speaker Sarah Palin on the ol’ public speaking circuit to announce that this Mission is Accomplished. WAIT. To announce that this “Task” is “Finished.” There we go. Wouldn’t want to suggest that this is “Mission Accomplished!” Heh heh. Whew. Listen up, surviving militants and potential zombie militants: The war is pretty much over! So you definitely will not do anything to mess up this peaceful transition of power, correct? MORE »

Lindsey Graham needs to show his “true-blue conservative values,” somehow, what with his well-known gayness and love for Elena Kagan. What better way to do this than to dream up a new way to kick more brown people out of the country? There’s nothing that says “conservative” like changing laws that have been in place since the McKinley Administration. How will Graham defeat the wily Wong Kim Ark, from beyond the grave? MORE »

Oh no you guys, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reports that Michele Bachmann has been felled by a “sudden illness” that required a hospital visit and everything! She even had to cancel a campaign appearance for Missouri Senate candidate Roy Blunt, whose lack of popularity among the 24-Hour Tea Party People is surely unrelated to her “sudden” health woes, so stop being so cynical. For now, Bachmann’s resting at home and
“playing it by ear,” says her spokesperson, the Ghost of Joseph McCarthy. Did she eat some bad “corn syrup/pig-anus grease cake” at a fund-raiser? Or is Nancy Pelosi behind this somehow? MORE »