Wonkette

What the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks is going on? Your editor just returned from a frantic/miserable week of “summer vacation,” with nothing but occasional glances at the USA Today to remind him of this American Politics/Collapse thing — did you know America Loves Cake, and everyone is still unemployed, and the nation is melting? MORE »

• The culture industry absorbed the potentially-mentally-ill candidate Basil Marceaux into its oily cogs. Now that Basil is just another big wig, who will stand up against America’s #1 enemy, gold-fringed flags?
• Dr. Rand Paul prescribed emergency circumcisions for all of Kentucky’s mountaintops.
• The United Nations’ creeping tendrils wormed their way into Denver, Colorado, where Gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes EXPOSED the UN’s secret mind-control device, the bicycle.
• The most important Italian in the world after Super Mario had a massive hooker-threesome but no one noticed.
• America’s never-ending primary season continued in Michigan, Missouri, and Kansas.
• Dr. Kevin Pezzi, a cancer mage and penis enchanter, disapperated from the Breitbart blog when his ill deeds were discovered in the entrails of a slaughtered heifer, via Google.
• Ayn Rand’s Bang Bus dropped by your Wonkette’s offices; they offered us a ride but in a terrible act of Socialism, they dropped us off without a dime after some very crude sex acts.

Here is a cool new movie about Obama’s socialist federal spending! One-third of the documentary is animated with claymation and computers to “make it entertaining for a younger audience,” according to the filmmaker, Ray Griggs. But what will make it REALLY entertaining for children is that it features interviews with their friends Ken Blackwell and Newt Gingrich. Hooray! MORE »

Yes, let us put these clips of John McCain in barbed wire so they can’t get to us and hurt us. And amnesty=people walking with bookbags in the desert? This is confusing, but thankfully J.D. Hayworth “approves this ad because” he “will never vote for amnesty.” Wait, what? MORE »

Nobody is having a decent sex scandal in America this week, which has really put a crimp in your editors’ style, man. But it’s nice to see that our helpful friends in the nation of Swaziland are helping out! Swaziland is a wee little country mostly surrounded by South Africa, and it has a plump, youngish king (pictured), Mswati III, who has 13 wives! You might think having 13 wives would be pretty sweet, but when you have that many wives to keep track of, how can you tell when one of them might be sexing some other dude? Maybe even a cabinet minister? MORE »

“Facing questions about whether he can win a second term as chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele boasted Friday that he has re-shaped the committee from an unwieldy top-down behemoth into an agile grassroots organization with a record of success.” Somebody finally told Michael Steele he should just say he’s done a good job, even if he’s actually fucking everything up. Also Michael Steele and the entire crowd wore red “FIRE PELOSI!” hats, a message Steele announced the GOP will be promoting in a “bus tour,” so it sounds like this was a fun time. But Michael Steele isn’t holding out hope for another term as RNC chair, because he’s too busy concentrating on trying to get that sandwich made the way he likes it. [Peter Hamby]

NOW ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE SNOWGLOBES: There are so many ways that snow globes can harm someone. The most obvious is that you could replace the water within with a clear water-like explosive substance, of the sort that doesn’t actually exist. You could also simply bash someone with one in the back of their skull, rendering them unconscious, or shatter the globe and use the resulting shards of glass as a crude blade-like weapon. And, of course, you could simply shake the globe, letting the falling snow cause your target to go into a reverie, flashing back to the childhood sled that represents his lost innocence. While we are still subject to these sorts of attacks as we walk the streets, we at least know that on airplanes we will be safe, thanks to the heroes at the TSA. [Salon]

Usually, Barry Can You Hear Me? entails a frame-by-frame analysis of official White House videographer Arun Chaudhary’s West Wing Week, which is like Triumph of the Will except not evil and also with less choreographed marching and visual symmetry. But this week, Arun went on a tour of the Gulf Coast to talk to Southern poors and middle-classists, who are of course uninteresting and of little use to Hardcore Barack Obama fangirls like me (and you!) MORE »

The AP obtained a PAC questionnaire filled out by Sharron Angle, and surprisingly, it reveals that she has some interesting beliefs! The questionnaire had 36 questions and boxes to mark “yes” or “no,” so thankfully it was easy for Sharron Angle to fill out. The PAC “Government Is Not God” has endorsed her campaign. Government Is Not God sounds like it is against lawmaking based on religion, but they are apparently dumb, because it’s really the opposite; they say they seek “the election to Congress of men and women who hold conservative beliefs on both moral and economic issues.” So “God Should Be Government” would be a better name. Anyway, they have some fun ideas about social policies (especially involving the gays!) and Sharron Angle answered “yes” to every one of their questions. MORE »

Remember, Bob Inglis, the really quite conservative South Carolina Congressman (93 percent rating from the American Conservative Union!) who was absolutely obliterated in his primary this year by some Tea Party loony toon? Remember how he whined afterwards that he lost because he he wasn’t a demagogue? Well, now we have absolute proof, from his own (forked?) tongue, that we are all very lucky this fool is out of office, because he admits that, once made aware of the terrible alliance between scaly space monsters and Jews that threatens the very fabric of our existence, he did nothing. MORE »

Recently-released files show that the fancy tea-based British government took their fancy British UFOs very seriously in the 1950s, and Winston Churchill destroyed much of the evidence to cover it up. The U.S. thought it was winning the UFO race at the time, but were our dandy allies secretly doing better than us? Why did aliens like Britain so much? They are called FISH STICKS and FRENCH FRIES, poodle-skirt aliens, and we had them too. MORE »

Democrats DO NOT want to lose their majorities in Congress this November. But the economy sucks, so by the laws of physics, voters will not vote for the party in power. Does this mean Democrats should just give up and actually work on passing things they really believe in? NO. Does it mean they should slyly try to blame the economy on other things to distract the voters? YES YES YES. So what’s the deal with Red China, folks? Why have they ruined our entire economy forever? MORE »

“When Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell laid out his opposition to Elena Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination, someone in the chamber appeared to be moving around in his chair, gasping and rolling his eyes.” Oh no! Who would do such a thing?! Turns out it was Sen. Al Franken, who was presiding over the Senate and was elected in 2008 by Minnesota felons to make comedy sketches for America in its legislature. Mitch McConnell’s eyes turned red, cartoon steam shot out his ears, and he confronted Franken. “This isn’t Saturday Night Live,” he said, which is the best comeback of the century. MORE »

New employment numbers are out and they’re great news! Oh, wait, we had the thing upside down, they’re actually terrible. 131,000 fewer jobs last month, although that figure includes 141,000 liberal census workers who were let go after the government decided to just make up the census numbers this year. In fact, the private sector added a whole 71,000 jobs in July…71,000 jobs for humans. But how many jobs for robots? Why won’t the government release those important numbers? MORE »

Among the many social clubs for America’s closeted homosexuals expressing outrage about the overturning of the gay marriage ban in California, the American Family Association might be the angriest. They’re taking some time from boycotting Gay Home Depot to make Congress impeach Judge Vaughn Walker, because they think he’s a misbehaving gay tyrant. MORE »

Republican Congressional candidate Joel Demos is a father, a fixer-upper owner, a working man — you know, just a Regular Guy from MicheleBachmannsota who does Regular Guy Things, like…pull huge-ass monster trucks toward pretend finish lines to meet potential supporters and make friends. Errr, maybe he should try using a gas product to move that thing? To make a statement about being “efficient”? MORE »