Wonkette

Oh, this is fun: Mark Penn, Hillary Clinton’s former fat kimodo dragon advisor, and “Bride of Mark Penn” are hosting a fundraiser at their Washington home for Charlie Crist. Charlie Crist, you remember, used to be a Republican, and Mark Penn used to be a pile of lizard poop upon which some nuclear waste leaked. Will Hillary Clinton show up to this event in her nightgown, as if in a trance? MORE »

The Republican Party has taken this movie trailer meme and really run with it. Oh, did you think this summer was rather boring in terms of political news? YOU THOUGHT WRONG. That music that plays in slow-motion terrorism movies is playing, and it seems our black president is raising money for his party’s candidates as if he was every single previous president in recent times. SCARY! MORE »

After nine episodes of Ayn’s Adventures, you are probably so addicted to Mizz Rand’s animal magnetism that you couldn’t look away from this, our 10th episode, if you wanted to. MORE »

Empress of Minnesota Michele Bachmann has been using her popular e-newsletter and blog to ask the trenchant political questions of our time, like, “Is Nancy Pelosi afraid of strong conservative women?” and “Is Nancy Pelosi stress-binging on cherpumples after hours? I see love handles.” Bachmann’s latest complaint involves Pelosi’s calling the House back from break this week to vote on a $26 billion spending bill for stupid crap like schools. In rebellion, Bachmann will launch a war in the form of a national tele-townhall that starts “at the exact moment Speaker Pelosi is opening her session.” Oooh, nasty. MORE »

Hilarious 2008 character Mitt Romney has been bringing bags of money to Republican candidates across the nation, but he’s still a GOP nobody compared to such right-wing celebrities as Snowbilly Sarah Palin and sociopathic opportunist Newt Gingrich. Why can’t Mittens just be an ignorant bigot like they are, and bash the Muslims and Mexicans and whatever? Experts say it’s because, in many ways, Mitt Romney is not very different from a Mexican Muslim himself! MORE »

Maureen Dowd is an expert on marriage in the same way that Charles Barkley is an expert on winning NBA championship rings. In this week’s edition of Hot Jamz with MoDo, Our Lady of the Pop Culture References peers into her scrying pool and divines the meaning of notorious Basque separatist Michelle Obama’s need to sometimes go on vacations with persons who are not her husband. In a column that actually has something to sort of do with politics, Maureen’s’s back to telling the Obama White House what they should do. But this time the bizarre thesis of her argument isn’t “Black it up!” It’s “Michelle Obama is too good at being a fun mom.” MORE »

Just a few weeks ago, the FLOTUS community was forced to defend its heroine against fashion expert Glenn Beck after he compared our First Lady to famous cake-eating French Lady Marie Antoinette. Now, Michelle Obama is under attack once again, this time because she decided to go on vacation in Spain instead of at the Mall of America or Cheese Whiz Factory, and that was so unpatriotic of her, because of the recession. But thankfully none of that matters now because Michelle is on the cover of the September issue of Ladies’ Home Journal and has given an interview in which she tells us everything from the meaning of the “beet gene” to why Malia won’t be getting gastric bypass surgery for her Super Sweet 16. MORE »

As myriad continents either flood or burn and North America bakes, experts at the Wall Street Journal say the real victims of this endless bummer are the golf courses. Thanks to a combination of record heat and humidity, the awful weather is literally murdering the nation’s crucial greens. But are Democrats exclusively to blame? Perhaps not: “Golfers themselves deserve part of the blame for insisting that putting surfaces be mown short and fast even in weather conditions in which such practices are almost certain to ruin them.” Important golf clubs are actually shutting down because of this! We want our country back, etc. MORE »

• More than 700 people per day are dropping dead in Moscow thanks to the poison smoke from the worst fires since Napoleon tried to burn down Russia two centuries ago. But because Putin’s Russia doesn’t want people thinking the fires are really the problem, doctors have been threatened with dismissal if they diagnose the smoke inhalation victims with smoke inhalation. MORE »

  ---

Direct from Ketchum, Idaho — where Ernest Hemingway shot himself, because the people were such trash — comes this shocking photograph of a dumb redneck’s beat-to-hell 1984 Suburban. Wonkette operative “Sebastian S.” apparently walked right up to this thing to take this picture, or maybe he just leaned out of his car and snapped the shot and sped away, weeping for America. But what do the custom Word document printout ‘n scotch tape signs say, about America? Let’s say “Enhance, enhance” to the teevee-apocalypse robot of the future (which is now) and get a closeup view. MORE »

What the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks is going on? Your editor just returned from a frantic/miserable week of “summer vacation,” with nothing but occasional glances at the USA Today to remind him of this American Politics/Collapse thing — did you know America Loves Cake, and everyone is still unemployed, and the nation is melting? MORE »

• The culture industry absorbed the potentially-mentally-ill candidate Basil Marceaux into its oily cogs. Now that Basil is just another big wig, who will stand up against America’s #1 enemy, gold-fringed flags?
• Dr. Rand Paul prescribed emergency circumcisions for all of Kentucky’s mountaintops.
• The United Nations’ creeping tendrils wormed their way into Denver, Colorado, where Gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes EXPOSED the UN’s secret mind-control device, the bicycle.
• The most important Italian in the world after Super Mario had a massive hooker-threesome but no one noticed.
• America’s never-ending primary season continued in Michigan, Missouri, and Kansas.
• Dr. Kevin Pezzi, a cancer mage and penis enchanter, disapperated from the Breitbart blog when his ill deeds were discovered in the entrails of a slaughtered heifer, via Google.
• Ayn Rand’s Bang Bus dropped by your Wonkette’s offices; they offered us a ride but in a terrible act of Socialism, they dropped us off without a dime after some very crude sex acts.

Here is a cool new movie about Obama’s socialist federal spending! One-third of the documentary is animated with claymation and computers to “make it entertaining for a younger audience,” according to the filmmaker, Ray Griggs. But what will make it REALLY entertaining for children is that it features interviews with their friends Ken Blackwell and Newt Gingrich. Hooray! MORE »

Yes, let us put these clips of John McCain in barbed wire so they can’t get to us and hurt us. And amnesty=people walking with bookbags in the desert? This is confusing, but thankfully J.D. Hayworth “approves this ad because” he “will never vote for amnesty.” Wait, what? MORE »

Nobody is having a decent sex scandal in America this week, which has really put a crimp in your editors’ style, man. But it’s nice to see that our helpful friends in the nation of Swaziland are helping out! Swaziland is a wee little country mostly surrounded by South Africa, and it has a plump, youngish king (pictured), Mswati III, who has 13 wives! You might think having 13 wives would be pretty sweet, but when you have that many wives to keep track of, how can you tell when one of them might be sexing some other dude? Maybe even a cabinet minister? MORE »

“Facing questions about whether he can win a second term as chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele boasted Friday that he has re-shaped the committee from an unwieldy top-down behemoth into an agile grassroots organization with a record of success.” Somebody finally told Michael Steele he should just say he’s done a good job, even if he’s actually fucking everything up. Also Michael Steele and the entire crowd wore red “FIRE PELOSI!” hats, a message Steele announced the GOP will be promoting in a “bus tour,” so it sounds like this was a fun time. But Michael Steele isn’t holding out hope for another term as RNC chair, because he’s too busy concentrating on trying to get that sandwich made the way he likes it. [Peter Hamby]