Wonkette

We are fairly certain that George W. Bush is currently touching stuff in Haiti, but new photos have surfaced that suggest maybe he is also still in Texas shaking hands with troops returning from war, via CNN Hologram. Isn’t it special that George Bush is willing to touch other people, even though he hates it so much? MORE »

Public Policy Polling has released some important figures: polling on all major potential 2012 patriot presidential candidates and how they all stack up against MaoBama. Let’s see, we’ve got Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, and Chris Christie. Oh, and Basil Marceaux. Yep, that’s probably what the field will look like. (Haha, Tim and Bobby!) We won’t make you hit the jump to see the results of the Marceaux-Obama match-up, because that dream showdown is the most likely to occur. It turns out Basil would currently only receive 21% of the vote against Obama. So just give Obama his second term, because that’s a substantial lead. Hooray, socialism lives! Oh no, traffic-stop slavery continues. MORE »

Texas state house representative Debbie Riddle went on CNN to talk to Anderson Cooper about “ill-iggles” immigrating here unlawfully, and brought up the latest threat to America: the TERROR BABIES. Terror babies are even more terrifying than standard-issue anchor babies, because their foreigner moms come here to America specifically to birth them, haul them back to whatever country, and raise them to become terrists. Then the babies come back here as terror-adults and ruin things. Who is Debbie Riddle, and how did she come to know all about this evil infant scourge? MORE »

Charlie Rangel’s birthday party was very inconvenient for state Democratic politicians. On the one hand, he is an utter disgrace slowly being brought down, at long last, by ethics charges. On the other hand, there were free “heaping plates of roast beef, goat cheese and onion rings.” But Charlie Rangel resorted to pitifully desperate measures to shame people into showing up, and most of them did! You never turn your back on somebody who provides you lots of money. So these lawmakers ended up coming, mostly, and the result was a lot of awkwardness and then a New York Times account of this awkwardness. And also photos to be used against them in the future in attack ads. MORE »

America’s Governor, Rod Blagojevich, cannot be convicted of anything because he’s too sexy. This is why the jury just told the judge, “Uhhh,” as they can’t decide on ANYTHING, and are permanently, hopelessly deadlocked on 22 of the 24 counts. (And those other two, wire-fraud/telephone charges, haven’t even been decided.) FREE BLAGO HE IS PURE AS ELVIS. [Sun Times]

Remember Michelle Malkin? Apparently Aisha Tyler does, because she mentioned on a radio show that she would like to kick Malkin “right in the nuts if I met her.” Michelle Malkin has seen this, has gasped and hyperventilated in horror, and does not like these funny librul ladies mocking her “sexuality,” which is apparently what you’re doing when you say a woman has testicles. “Left-wing female comedians are proving that they can be as crude and stupid as their male counterparts,” Malkin said. We must rid the world of people who joke about balls! MORE »

Our New Hampshire colony is reeling today with the break of a major Facebook controversy: State House candidate Keith Halloran commented on an article about Ted Stevens’ plane crash that somebody posted on Facebook, saying, “Just wish Sarah and Levy were on board.” Apparently not everyone in America is expressing this sentiment about our once and future leaders Sarah Palin and Levi Johnston, because the Republican Party condemned Halloran for this. Will Sarah and that denim company ever recover from their hurt feelings? MORE »

When William F. Buckley founded National Review in 1955, did he know it would one day morph into a low-lit bathroom where plump “conservative” writers emote like teenagers filming “THIS IS HOW I FEEL, WORLD” YouTube diaries? Originally envisioned as a place where you could read defenses of Joseph McCarthy and Francisco Franco while sipping a sparkling Negroni, National Review today is mostly shallow wingnuts weeping into their Haagen-Dazs about mean liberals, evil Muslims, and “the ruling class” (what would WFB think?!). Standards have slipped so much that it now employs Andrew McCarthy, possibly of Weekend at Bernie’s fame, as their Muslim Terrorism expert. Andrew has just published a hefty tome titled The Grand Jihad: How Islam and the Left Sabotage America. What’s next, Corner kids? Gay Islam: Why It Will Eat You by Emilio Estevez? MORE »

New Hampshire U.S. Senate candidate and seasoned sole-barer Jim Bender has released yet another new campaign ad! In this one, a lady law enforcer stops Uncle Sam for driving his convertible full of hefty ObamaLaws (and a little abused animal-pig named Earmark) too slowly, then Bender shows up and says HEYO. MORE »

How many American workers are really unemployed in this third year of our Great Recession? About 26 million people. That includes those still looking for jobs, people forced into part-time work and the many millions who’ve just given up. Considering the actual “workforce” of the United States is about 140 million people total — the other 170 million are presumably too old, young or disabled to even try — this means about 20% of “workers” are now desperate drifters ready to kill anybody for any reason at all. Let’s check out some of this week’s high-profile hard-boiled tri-state killin’ sprees! MORE »

• With no clear narrative from Tuesday’s primary elections, today the political media will churn the numbers of this new Wall Street Journal/NBC poll in hopes of figuring out something about Americans beyond “hoo boy they are so poor and sad.” Obama is somehow not overwhelmingly popular, but he’s still got a 47% approval rating and 46% feeling “positive” about him, as a dude — and his polices are actually more popular than he is. Democrats and Congress are “in trouble,” yet voters prefer Democrats by a double-digit margin over Republicans: 33% to 24%. Now that the BP oil disaster is “better,” Obama’s got a 50% approval rating for his handling of the spill, up from 42% when it’s all we heard about two months ago. MORE »

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What will our Unprofessional Leftist and full-time Obama apologist Sara Benincasa say about Robert Gibbs, on Russian TeeVee? The answer may surprise you. Or not, as she DEFENDS him and attacks the innocent hippies of UC Santa Cruz, who only want to smoke their marijuana bongs and close Guantanamo, with their minds. Why is she on Russian TeeVee, anyway? Is she soft on communism, too? That would explain her “news crawl” about the Muslins’ “holy day,” as if anyone other than Jesus could possibly have a Holy Day/Month. MORE »

Were you aware that Rep. Michele Bachmann won her little primary in Minnesota last night? In celebration, she has made one of her many vlogs for the Wonkette, which she believes is a LiveJournal written by Michelle Malkin. In it, she describes the secret to her continual electoral success. Enjoy her special form of genius-osity! MORE »

• Now that Michelle Antoinette is officially Spain’s hottest monarch, her husband King Obama XIV is spending all his cash on lavish Rococo pursuits like sex swings and “health care.” Luckily, the Reign Of Terror is coming back soon, so it’s all good. [The Telegraph]
• Erick Erickson loves guns so much he would literally murder Bambi’s mother to prove to everyone that Michael Steele is a pansy for not loving guns as much as Erick Erickson. [RedState]
• The film The Road is basically the Green Berets of our time because it is a religious allegory about bootstrapping the apocalypse, for Jesus. [BigHollywood]
• The UN continues its unstoppable march into our children’s hearts via the malevolent “International Baccalaureate” curriculum, all for the nefarious purpose of preparing our young ones for something called “college.” [WND]
• A new film brings to light the fact that the cold war is still on, because Hugh Hefner is Stalin. [Canada Free Press]

ALVIN GREENE REVEALS THE TRUE NATURE OF THE T-SHIRT DAO: The following tale is what Alvin Greene news has been reduced to these days, as the wise man has withdrawn before he’s elected in November. A South Carolinian named Owen Clary printed up 500 t-shirts that say “We don’t make these things up!” over an outline of the state. And he sent one of them to Alvin Greene as a joke. The Way’s response: “Clary says he got a package in return a week later. Inside was a green T-shirt that reads ‘Greene Senate.’” Tolerant, he seemed to be part of the world; towering alone, he could be checked by nothing; withdrawn, he seemed to prefer to cut himself off; bemused, he forgot what he was going to say. Therefore his liking was one and his not liking was one. His being one was one and his not being one was one. [AP]

Wednesday, August 11: Forget the popsicles, slushies, and snow cones, it’s too damn hot in D.C. to be refreshed by a gimmick. Just find a bar with excellent air conditioning, sit, drink, and do not move. Try Recessions — their $4.00 “King Kong” 28 ounce drafts don’t taste like ambiguous artificial fruit. They taste like beer, which is nothing but refreshing. [Recessions] MORE »