Wonkette

Bill O’Reilly had Glenn Beck on his show last night, and he seems threatened that Beck sees no reason to cover culture-war issues and very threatened that Beck doesn’t care if gay marriage is legalized. “Do you believe — do you believe that gay marriage is a threat to the country in any way?” O’Reilly asked. “No. Are the gay — will the gays come and get us?” Beck responded. And thus a strange pattern of Glenn Beck making sense continues. MORE »

It is a fact that many federal employees read the Wonkette whilst laughing atop their ginormous piles of filthy lucre. For those of you who are not bursting at the seams with Amerikkkan Government Dollarz, here’s some fun information on why you should have taken that civil service test or whatevers. And it comes from the greatest McPaper in the McUnited McStates! MORE »

Potenza is the perfect place to go to if you like to eat great food of the pasta, meat and cheese varieties. It’s also the perfect place to go to if you enjoy hearty portions, ordering from a menu that makes sense, and if you don’t care for fusion-y food that tries to out fusion itself somewhere in your digestive track. Oh, and it’s also a great place to go to if you want the newest DC gossip — it is down the street from the White House, after all. MORE »

Did everybody hear about the big shame-party that the homosexual conservatives are throwing in New York City for Ann Coulter?  If this news missed you, worry not, for there likely will be tickets available until several weeks after the event. But let’s catch up.  This group is not kidding when they call themselves “GOProud” — or at least they don’t understand why we think it’s funny — and they are throwing the first annual “HomoCon,” which will be just like Comic-Con, except the virgins will be humorless and homosexual, and at least 99% white. MORE »

• The USDA should be dissolved, because it makes zero sense to have a separate government death panel just for Agriculture. [Matt Yglesias]
• The U.S. can only send a few helicopters to rescue flood victims in Pakistan. Maybe if Wikileaks didn’t start the War in Afghanistan we could have helped out more? [Think Progress]
• Many ignorant parents are in favor of extending “the school day.” They do not realize this would do little aside from teaching America’s children how to become even more fat. [Hit & Run]
• Joe Biden crashed into an airplane, which begs the question: Is blaming the Mossad for Ted Stevens’ untimely passing actually just an elaborate cover-up for yet another Biden Gaffe? [Daily Intel]
• Remember when Barack Obama gave billions and billions of dollars to poor people, to help them in their time of need? Neither do we! But it happened, and then all those billions of dollars were siphoned into Michele Obama’s Barcelona Beach Party Fund, thanks in part to a complicated pyramid scheme invented by this wingnut cartoonist. [RedState]

JOAN LIVES! Our favorite Kansas gubernatorial candidate, Joan Heffington, has e-mailed supporters a message saying she’s decided to continue her campaign as a write-in candidate, even though she will probably be in prison on election day. Prison?! Yes, Joan is in trouble with the Kansas government for practicing law without a license. How have her teenage sons responded to this tough development? “They sensed I was talking about my A.H.A! activities, and I was surprised when my youngest son said, ‘You should do like Rosa Parks did. Become famous.’” MORE »

TIME FOR EVERYONE IN CALIFORNIA TO GET GAY-MARRIED AGAIN, OR NOT: UPDATED: It was originally breathlessly reported that Judge Vaughn Walker had lifted the stay on the decision to strike down Proposition 8, so that California is once again a state where the gays can do gross things like “nuptials” in front of our poor, innocent children. Couples were already lined up at City Hall in San Francisco! That sounds familiar! But it turns out the stay was extended until August 18. THEN Californians can ruin America with this “marriage” smut. [LA Times]

We are fairly certain that George W. Bush is currently touching stuff in Haiti, but new photos have surfaced that suggest maybe he is also still in Texas shaking hands with troops returning from war, via CNN Hologram. Isn’t it special that George Bush is willing to touch other people, even though he hates it so much? MORE »

Public Policy Polling has released some important figures: polling on all major potential 2012 patriot presidential candidates and how they all stack up against MaoBama. Let’s see, we’ve got Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, and Chris Christie. Oh, and Basil Marceaux. Yep, that’s probably what the field will look like. (Haha, Tim and Bobby!) We won’t make you hit the jump to see the results of the Marceaux-Obama match-up, because that dream showdown is the most likely to occur. It turns out Basil would currently only receive 21% of the vote against Obama. So just give Obama his second term, because that’s a substantial lead. Hooray, socialism lives! Oh no, traffic-stop slavery continues. MORE »

Texas state house representative Debbie Riddle went on CNN to talk to Anderson Cooper about “ill-iggles” immigrating here unlawfully, and brought up the latest threat to America: the TERROR BABIES. Terror babies are even more terrifying than standard-issue anchor babies, because their foreigner moms come here to America specifically to birth them, haul them back to whatever country, and raise them to become terrists. Then the babies come back here as terror-adults and ruin things. Who is Debbie Riddle, and how did she come to know all about this evil infant scourge? MORE »

Charlie Rangel’s birthday party was very inconvenient for state Democratic politicians. On the one hand, he is an utter disgrace slowly being brought down, at long last, by ethics charges. On the other hand, there were free “heaping plates of roast beef, goat cheese and onion rings.” But Charlie Rangel resorted to pitifully desperate measures to shame people into showing up, and most of them did! You never turn your back on somebody who provides you lots of money. So these lawmakers ended up coming, mostly, and the result was a lot of awkwardness and then a New York Times account of this awkwardness. And also photos to be used against them in the future in attack ads. MORE »

America’s Governor, Rod Blagojevich, cannot be convicted of anything because he’s too sexy. This is why the jury just told the judge, “Uhhh,” as they can’t decide on ANYTHING, and are permanently, hopelessly deadlocked on 22 of the 24 counts. (And those other two, wire-fraud/telephone charges, haven’t even been decided.) FREE BLAGO HE IS PURE AS ELVIS. [Sun Times]

Remember Michelle Malkin? Apparently Aisha Tyler does, because she mentioned on a radio show that she would like to kick Malkin “right in the nuts if I met her.” Michelle Malkin has seen this, has gasped and hyperventilated in horror, and does not like these funny librul ladies mocking her “sexuality,” which is apparently what you’re doing when you say a woman has testicles. “Left-wing female comedians are proving that they can be as crude and stupid as their male counterparts,” Malkin said. We must rid the world of people who joke about balls! MORE »

Our New Hampshire colony is reeling today with the break of a major Facebook controversy: State House candidate Keith Halloran commented on an article about Ted Stevens’ plane crash that somebody posted on Facebook, saying, “Just wish Sarah and Levy were on board.” Apparently not everyone in America is expressing this sentiment about our once and future leaders Sarah Palin and Levi Johnston, because the Republican Party condemned Halloran for this. Will Sarah and that denim company ever recover from their hurt feelings? MORE »

When William F. Buckley founded National Review in 1955, did he know it would one day morph into a low-lit bathroom where plump “conservative” writers emote like teenagers filming “THIS IS HOW I FEEL, WORLD” YouTube diaries? Originally envisioned as a place where you could read defenses of Joseph McCarthy and Francisco Franco while sipping a sparkling Negroni, National Review today is mostly shallow wingnuts weeping into their Haagen-Dazs about mean liberals, evil Muslims, and “the ruling class” (what would WFB think?!). Standards have slipped so much that it now employs Andrew McCarthy, possibly of Weekend at Bernie’s fame, as their Muslim Terrorism expert. Andrew has just published a hefty tome titled The Grand Jihad: How Islam and the Left Sabotage America. What’s next, Corner kids? Gay Islam: Why It Will Eat You by Emilio Estevez? MORE »