Wonkette

“Barack” sounds kind of German, doesn’t it? We mean, if you’ve never heard German before … and Obama is just like Hitler in every way, if by “every way” you mean “a little Hitler mustache has been painted on his upper lip.” But what are these people campaigning for, on the roadside of America? MORE »

• Professional baby-maker and virile tabloid hottie Levi Johnston plans to run for mayor of his meth-addled hometown, bravely standing up against the old-guard fat cats that populate Wasilla’s city hall/methadone clinics.
• Judge Vaughn Walker personally lubed up the slippery slope in California, mandating gay marriages for everyone.
• Michelle Malkin’s testicles got tied up in a bunch.
• Michele Bachmann (R-Unopposed) was granted the Mandate of Heaven and ascended to official candidateship in Tuesday’s super hot primary elections, which also swept many new slobs into electoral relevancy.
• Sarah Palin’s Twitter challenged fellow internet terrorist “WikiLeaks” to stop committing treason against the greatest, most freedom-est country in the world, Australia.
• Ted Stevens died and everyone pretended to feel bad for five minutes before getting back the more emotionally-resonant struggle of the McNugget Lady.
• A member of the world’s most annoying class of humans, an Ayn Rand super-fan, spread his lady’s message of “peace,” “love” and “fuck you, got mine” to the heavens.

What we really need is for someone to break down the cost of things Sasha Obama wears and where to get them, because she is nine years old. Thankfully, we have The Daily Beast. “The affordability of Sasha’s clothes, according to Mary Tomer, ‘makes Mrs. Obama and Sasha Obama all the more relatable.’ She says that Sasha’s style choices communicate a ‘vibrant and playful — yet entirely unique — American childhood.’” Sasha is very careful to brand herself the right way. Her brand says, “I am a fucking child. You people are disgusting.” MORE »

Sharron Angle was forced to speak words yesterday, as she has yet to come up with the brilliant idea to have her campaign say she has a throat infection that makes her mute for the next few months. “The United Nations resides on our soil and costs us money. We are — I don’t see any place in the Constitution with those priorities about the United Nations. So when we start talking about cutting programs, 5-percent per year, I think the United Nations fits into that category, yes,” she said. How can we be members of the United Nations when the Constitution and Bible don’t even MENTION it? MORE »

Hmm, seems like Jimmy Kimmel is talking to all the major 2010 candidates. At 3:11 here, Kimmel tries to set up a lame joke about arresting the Palins by asking if Johnston would be in charge of the police force as mayor of Wasilla. Inanely (and of course incorrectly), Johnston says no. Stop making things hard, Levi. MORE »

If we learn one thing and one thing only from such classic love stories as Trainspotting, it’s that momma don’t do so well when she ain’t had her “medicine.” And this week, for some fucking reason, stingy and manipulative White House videographer Arun Chaudhary neglected to post his Obama porno show West Wing Week at the usually time of 12:01 AM Friday morning. In fact, it’s still not up as of press time (”press time” being when Joshua Fruhlinger says, “Oh, fuck it” and just cold puts up this column even when it is wildly insane, which is always.) And if you’re a West Wing Week Superfan (which you are) this means the DTs are gonna get ya and get ya good. MORE »

Terror babies are a fun new terrorism flavor of anchor babies, apparently. Or perhaps they’re a spin-off of Muppet Babies. It’s hard to tell because this is such a GAPING HOLE and needs to be yelled about at Anderson Cooper’s face. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
It is hard to move Lindsey Graham to anger, but once moved, his rage is implacable, and only a constitutional amendment can satisfy him. Lindsey is mad at babies, of course — babies who have the misfortune of being pushed through a birth canal that is lousy with Foreignness, but then land with a plop on U.S. soil. These babies then literally grow metal hooks into the soil, making them impossible to deport. Most Americans find squalling brown infants terribly intimidating, and instinctively clutch their purses tighter when walking through NICUs in “bad areas” at night, but at least cartoonists are unafraid to call an anchor an anchor. MORE »

Many moons ago, as the days grew short and the air thick with the cold of autumn’s decline, Alvin Greene was allegedly witnessing the act of human reproduction. He then turned to a fellow human and showed her this example of how humans come to be. And now a South Carolina grand jury, out of touch with the Dao, has finally indicted Greene for this simple act. Do the people of South Carolina realize that what Alvin Greene had on his computer is the most pivotal experience of our existence? MORE »

Meghan McCain wants to commemorate her one-week anniversary (NEW RELEASE DATE: AUGUST 31! Update your calendars!) upcoming book release by branding her upper ass-wedge with the Chinese symbol for Lindsey Graham, who is her spirit animal. Mrs. McCain will throw her feces everywhere if Meghan actually goes through with it, or so we are led to believe. [Yeas & Nays/Twitter]

Your least-favorite exurban grandma has been messing with the ‘puter again, and this time she’s got some HOT news from the AOL Fwds: There is something called “Wikileaks,” and it is leaking things either on or from The Enemy. Do you even know who the Enemy is? Neither does Sarah Palin! But she’s pretty sure that “press protection” — and here, we can only assume she’s jabbering about the United States’ Bill of Rights, as she’s unaware that Wikileaks exists globally and was specifically designed to evade shutdown by any jurisdiction — doesn’t let you help The Enemy! MORE »

Are you sick of the humdrum of the usual crazy candidates you’ve seen this summer on your Wonkette? Are they too poor for you? Are they too populist? Are they too unwilling to give campaign speeches immediately following a classical piano recital? Meet Rachel Brown, running against Barney Frank for Congress in Massachusetts’ 14th District. She’s a LaRouchite, which means she thinks Obama is being controlled by the British and must immediately be impeached. So what does a high-society crazy political campaign look like? MORE »

Republican Florida state house candidate Marg Baker has won the Internet celebrity sweepstakes for suggesting that Florida send illegal immigrants “out to the middle of the country and put up high walls and leave them there.” You know, get ‘em off the streets, make ‘em disappear. Like the “e” in her name! Seriously, where did the “e” go? MORE »

Your Wonkette takes its mandate to keep you abreast of any and all wacky political candidates seriously! So today we introduce you to your new boyfriend, assuming you like old dudes who wear baseball caps and have gross-looking beards. Jim Rogers has run for the Democratic Senate nomination in Oklahoma four times, and we all know that the fourth time is the charm, so now he is your nominee. And come November, Tom Coburn’s reign of terror will be over! MORE »

Using a GPS tracking device as a “pen,” Nick Newcomen drove 12,328 miles around 30 states to draw the message “Read Ayn Rand” on America, in honor of the Objectivist writer made famous by Wonkette cartoonist Benjamin Frisch. According to the Wired science blog, you can only see the message if you use Google Earth. But that doesn’t make much sense, because we’re seeing it now, right? MORE »