Wonkette

Sen. Carl Levin was holding a question-and-answer session in Big Rapids, Michigan today when an anti-war protester hit him with a pie. We’ve been scouring the Internet for a photo of this funny turning point in the history of American aggression, but the best we could come up with is this accurate Blingee re-enactment. MORE »

NEWS FROM IRAQ, THE MIDDLE EAST’S MOST VIBRANT NEW DEMOCRACY: “The party that won the most seats in Iraq’s March election has suspended talks on forming a coalition, five months after the inconclusive vote. [Former Prime Minister Ayad Allawi's] al-Iraqiya bloc was negotiating with the second-placed Shia-led bloc of Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. But it has been angered by a TV interview in which Mr Maliki said that it represented the Sunnis of Iraq. Al-Iraqiya, which says it is non-sectarian, wants a televised apology from Mr Maliki before talks can resume.” Ha ha, at least American politicians aren’t the only ones who act like spoiled children and demand apologies from each other instead of running the country! Thank goodness the Iraq War is almost over, so we won’t have to care about this stuff anymore. [BBC]

It’s tough right now being Alvin Greene, with the world not understanding the Daoist philosophical foundations for his supposed porn-showing offense. Of course, the universal Way cannot be pushed off course, but even someone fully aligned with it can feel the strain, now and again, of the pressures of this world. You may have heard a rumor that Alvin Greene reacted to a visit from a reporter by “wailing” or “howling” or doing any one of a number of undignified things. But we think that you’ll find, once you’ve assessed the evidence with your own senses, that something very different is going on. MORE »

This ad is called “vital” because John McCain’s vital signs are falling as he walks alone through the desert, in a demented haze, to his impending death from dehydration. It’s cute that he’s wearing that hat and those sleeves rolled up like his staffers taught him in 2008. Guess that’s the way he wants to go. Oh, that’s nice, he’s seeing a mirage: There are happy Arizonans here in the desert with him. And they want to hear what he has to say. That’s a nice thought, old man. Tell them about rebuilding our economy! Bet they want to hear that. So, umm, will they find his body before it’s devoured by coyotes/Vietcong? MORE »

The art of protest balladry has long been associated with America’s lesbian-pinko Bob Dylan left-wing, because of the record companies and their bedrugged teenaged audiences. But finally, as it did at CBGB in the 1970s, the art of the song has found a flowering scene on YouTube, where conservatism speaks, nay, SINGS! MORE »

America’s top J.D.-D.D.S. Orly Taitz has somehow lost her chance to appeal the $20,000 fine levied on her by a federal judge in October for filing “frivolous” litigation that the LSM doesn’t want you to know about. Apparently the Supreme Court does not want to tear this woman apart, in what would be the most entertaining trial ever. Who’s at fault? YOU GUESSED IT, Samuel Alito, who hates fun and denied the request. But Orly’s fight is not over. She is now appealing the decision to “an international court of Human Rights.” MORE »

The SIX-YEAR investigation into Tom DeLay’s ties to lobbyist Jack Abramoff is now over! Hooray Sixth Amendment! The system works! Finally Tom DeLay can get back to his business as House Majority Leader, passing George W. Bush’s Mandate. But seriously, six years? And then, “Oh, whatever bro, we’re not gonna charge you with anything.” The government will probably have to fund Tom DeLay’s campaign to return to the House, and then it will have to fund a lavish parade in Washington welcoming DeLay’s return, for compensation. And also George W. Bush will have to be put back in office, because how else can Tom DeLay pass his fun laws? MORE »

My dearest Mo Deezy: In your Kute Sunday Kolumn, you call for the ouster of my boyfriend, Robert Gibbs. You think his recent Angrytime Yellsrant is evidence that he is adversarial with the press, hates his job, etc. Surprise! You have fallen for a very clever White Haus ruse. Maurizzle Dizzizzle, Robert Gibbs plays a tightly choreographed role predesigned and vetted by Team Obamar. When Gibbsie “lost it,” he was making pretendz, so that people like you (and me, at first) would eat it up. Om nom nom! MORE »

OMG you guys, do you know who’s trying to politically destroy our beautiful Minnesota Congressmodel Michele Bachmann this week, besides everyone who isn’t wearing an American flag somewhere on their person? It’s Walter Mondale, former vice-president to Jimmy Carter and 1984’s Democratic wannabe president. Is Mondale a secret sexist? MORE »

Bob Gates used to be a good Republican who didn’t go in for this namby-pamby “Let’s announce to our enemies the date when we will stop bombing them” bull-hockey, but two years as a member of Obama’s Politburo have clearly turned his brain into Democrat mush. That’s why he’s announcing a phased, strategic withdrawal from his Pentagon office, to be completed by 2011, assuming local militia forces are sufficiently trained to take over by then. MORE »

All weekend long your Wonkette received a steady stream of emails from concerned librul Americans about Cordoba House Hysteria, which is sweepin’ the nation like George the Janitor is sweepin’ the floor. This is because Imam Obamar came out in support of the mosque, after learning that it would be LEED-certified and also offer paintball facilities. A patriotic onslaught of tweets, Facebookery, vloggism, and bloggism about the Obamar Nazi-Satan-Allah speech followed. Let’s look at some of the results — they form a beautiful patchwork quilt of American hate-diversity. MORE »

Michelle “Marie” Obama-Antoinette is back in the United States after an unpatriotic vacation in Spain, where she relaxed by dancing in the streets on burning piles of money, watching Sasha make sand castles out of pure gold, and swimming in the Mediterranean while laughing about how oil-free the water is there. And since FLOTUS did not obey the demands of The People, who prefer that the First Lady spend her summer eating Double Down sandwiches in the unemployment line like an honest American, she was punished for her sins with a trip to the Gulf to watch reporters hit on her shirtless husband. MORE »

President Barry Obamez claims that he’s trying to secure our border, but our tea-bagging heroes know otherwise. Sure, he’s all “stricter workplace enforcement” this and “fine, I’ll send more National Guard troops down” that, and blah blah blah, but has come up with any really innovative border-sealing ideas? Like, say, sending someone down to the border to tell the Mexicans, loudly and firmly, that they aren’t wanted? Do the teabaggers have to do all your work for you, Mr. President? MORE »

Colorado Tea Party maniac Dan Maes managed just barely to win last week’s GOP gubernatorial primary, because his opponent was a plagiarist and because only he dared to tell the truth about the Communist bike-sharing evil that threatens to destroy America forever. With that tough race over, will the Colorado Republican party, led by the by the noble and forthright Dick Wadhams, rally behind their candidate? Sure! Attempting to convince him to quit so they can replace him with someone who will lose not quite as badly counts as “rallying,” right? MORE »

Goody Ayn ingested a potent dose of peyote in our last episode of Ayn’s Ultimate High-Times Comic. This episode follows her spiritual journey and is sure to harsh your mellow, stoned readers. MORE »