Wonkette

Did you know that Australia, the America of the Antiopdes, still squirms under the brutal heel of Elizabeth of Windsor? It is true! The Aussies came close to throwing off her yoke a decade ago, but she used her lizard-person mind powers on them somehow and they slavishly voted to keep sending her forty tons of the nation’s best uranium and its twelve most comely virgins every year. But now Australia has a lady PM who is impervious to the Queen’s mind tricks and perhaps dreams of being ruler herself! Too bad she will lose the election Saturday, maybe. MORE »

Get it? “Mama grizzlies”? You get it. Real women voters get dressed up in animal costumes and makeup and have sex with each other. Ooooooooh! Sarah Palin is gonna be so mad that you said she doesn’t speak for lesbian furries! MORE »

Mama Grizzlies, Wal-Mart Moms and probably the Daughters of the Confederacy have come together, as white ladies, and formed their own World of Warcraft guild, “The Kitchen Cabinet” — because women who are worried about Barack Obama’s socialism but who are also stay-at-home-in-the-cabinet moms deserve a voice, too, even if it is a very faint voice because it is coming from a cupboard. Barney Frank refuses to argue with A Dining Room Table, but maybe he is willing to talk to The Kitchen Cabinet? MORE »

If you are not following MercedeJohnston.com, your number one source of Johnston-related news, then you, my friend, are not following life. How, for instance, can you be keep up with the latest details of the custody arrangements Levi and Bristol have made over Track Tank Tripp? How will you know about the latest Bristol-Mercede Facebook drama? How will find out about what appears to be Mercede’s new haircut, or perhaps a picture of someone who looks vaguely like Mercede but has different hair? What’s that, you say? You’ll just read about it all on your Wonkette? Oh, OK, you win this round. This round. MORE »

Corporations like to throw $5,000 or $10,000 here and there to various candidates and groups to try to curry favor and buy votes when they need them in the future. Modern Democracy: Suck On the Fun!™ But rarely is is that a corporation donates a cool MILLION DOLLARS to a political party. Wow, they must REALLY need a law passed by that party to ensure the continued existence of their corporation! Well, not exactly. It turns out Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation has given this amount of money to the Republican Governors Association this summer. MORE »

It’s a well-known fact that this blog is so mean to Rand Paul, all the time, mostly because we feel no obligation to be particularly fair or even-handed to anyone, especially when they are constantly hilarious, as Rand Paul is. Still, every once in a while your editor feels a contrarian urge to keep out of a full-on pile-on. Is it possible that not everything Rand Paul says is wholly wrongheaded? Today’s news would seem to indicate that the answer is yes! Naturally, since Rand Paul is a known bong evangelist, this strange turn of events involves drugs. (And don’t worry, he does turn out to be horribly wrong at the end of it.) MORE »

Sarah Palin continues to be a major critic of President Barack Obama. Why are people giving her a platform? Why would anyone think she has any particular insight into national issues and how our federal government should operate? Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to mic up a grilled cheese sandwich and ask it questions? But at least she adds to the diversity of the medium, because unlike most people on our teevee boxes, she hates the United States of America. MORE »

• A Jacksonville, Florida, high school named after KKK founder and Real American hero Nathan Bedford Forrest voted to protect its name and all the white women forever. [Matt Yglesias]
• Meanwhile, Barack Obama wants to let thousands of white women needlessly perish. Help us, Nathan Bedford Forrest High School. [RedState]
• North Korea is now on Twitter! @U.N. will impose Twitter Sanctions in 3,2,1… [The Hill: Twitter Room]
• Rich person “Steve Schwarzman” insists Barack Obama’s tax increases are basically re-invading Poland. A good effort Steve, but most Americans don’t even know what Poland is, so next time maybe try a different angle, such as “no taxation without representation, burn King George Obama III in effigy,” etc. Either way you sound like an idiot! [Daily Intel]
• The Blagojevich Jury has requested several million dollars, because they’re not going to come to a decision for “fucking nothing.” Just kidding, but they did ask Judge Zagel if they could review some boring testimony. [The Caucus]

Did you know that even when sushi is only minimally associated with Asia it still tastes like sushi? Did you know that in DC it’s possible to enjoy sushi in a revitalized former open-air crack market with some tater-tots and leather chaps on the side, all while drinking PBR? Of course this all true and possible in DC! So long as this city is on a quest to make the phrase “It’s just like New York” apply to every square mile, everything will be possible. MORE »

Iowa Congressman and Bible interpretationist Steve King must be feeling bored and restless in these dog days of summer — or maybe he’s just riding a sweet corn sugar high — because he’s awfully feisty these days. It’s like he’ll say anything to get some attention! At least we can say he adds some “spontaneity” to Capitol Hill life. MORE »

Here is a scan from the Seattle Times from, uh, sometime after Ted Stevens died in a plane crash, we guess, sent to us by a tipster known only as “foog,” who may or may not be the person who runs this blog full of funny headlines. It is one of those things where you have to decide if the copy editor on the desk that night was making a grim joke or was just tired and bored and came up with some stock phrase and then didn’t stop to think about its implications. Are you laughing at it? Then you are a monster, a terrible monstrous monster. MORE »

If you’ve got free time, a Newell Coach or other vehicle of some sort, a heart swelling with love for your country, and a buck or two left in your bank account, you are already luckier than 90% of Americans, most of whom lack one or more of those things. Consider capitalizing on your fortunes by taking a fabulous vacation to one of the many upcoming Tea Party/conservative/wingnut events happening soon in our great nation. Your Wonkette has created a convenient guide to the best of these parties. Take our hand as we explore the many options, together! MORE »

Yeah, Israel talks a big game, going out drinking with its buddies at the Atlantic and boasting about its awesome plans to bomb the crap out of Iran’s nuclear facilities. But Bush-era U.N. ambassador and mustache grooming enthusiast John Bolton thinks it’s all talk. The way he sees it, Israel has only a few more days to start droppin’ bombs on Iran. And they don’t seem to be in any rush! What’s-a matter, are they chicken? Huh? CHICKEN? [chicken noises] MORE »

• Oh, God, can you even believe that more primaries are happening? When will America’s suffering end? Today’s victims are in Washington state and Wyoming. Washington has a savage, out-of-control “jungle primary” that will almost certainly result incumbent Democratic Senator Patty Murray facing off against Republican Dino Rossi, who lost the last two gubernatorial races. In Wyoming, literally twelve different people want to be governor, for some reason. How good a gig can being governor of Wyoming be, honestly? MORE »

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By the voice and cadence and crazy words coming out of his mouth about things that have nothing to do with being governor of Florida, you would think Florida gubernatorial candidate Rick Scott is a dim paranoid schizophrenic like our pal Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Is he? Who knows? But with this video, Scott has officially won the campaign ad-making portion of the 2010 Miss Bigot USA Contest. Congratulations! You have some stiff competition (Newt will stop at nothing!), but maybe you will take home the tiara. [YouTube]