Wonkette

George Allen, remember all the fun we had with that guy? Remember when he found out his mother was secretly Jewish and then he had a big freakout when someone asked him about it? And then he lost his Senate re-election, because of of his Jewish nature, or maybe something else, we forget now. Well, in the years since (yes, it’s really been four years since those good times), he’s apparently come more to terms with his Jewitude, because he’s giving a speech at the “National Jewish Retreat,” organized by the Lubavitchers (aka “The Wackiest Jews”)! MORE »

Apparently Sharron Angle has been taking some heat from the Republican leadership for her refusal to talk to, or even make direct eye contact with, members of the press. So she finally invited the New York Times and other big city members of the lamestream media JournoList cabal to come talk to her, and, “under the gaze of a half-dozen advisers and an official videographer,” she managed to mostly not be insane, except for a stray moment when she revealed that she doesn’t believe in human progress or, indeed, in the linear progression of time. MORE »

A bunch of retired professional football and basketball athletes have been running for office this year on the Republican ticket, to Take America Back and also reinforce the stereotype about jocks not being very bright. The aspiring-leader bunch includes “at least five” former NFL or NBA superheroes, Bloomberg News reports. Talk about tossing political footballs! LOL. MORE »

Dipshit Magoo returns! And this time he is mumbling on about his worst nightmare: Barack Obama will order a CIA coup d’état to depose himself and then the United Fruit Company will take all of our precious bananas! Fred’s second-worst nightmare is that someone might sew his anus shut while he is sleeping. [Twitter]

A tipster spotted this angry letter about the Ground Zero Not-Mosque on the website of Raleigh, North Carolina’s News & Observer newspaper. Instead of “Muslim,” it uses the word “muslin” — which your Wonkette uses all the time, because “muslin” is what the Prophet Muhammad actually called his followers. If you are a linguistics professor or a marketing guru, be sure to use this letter as a case study when speaking about “social media influence on language” or some other nebulous topic. [Washington Post/Newsandobserver.com]

Religion/national security/energy/feminism expert @SarahPalinUSA might be losing her magical touch when it comes to stumping for the nation’s Republican candidates, speculates the new peer-reviewed political science journal The Hill. Both Washington Senate candidate Clint Didier and Wyoming wannabe governor Rita Meyer just lost their primaries despite having Palin’s endorsement, joining a losers’ circle that includes Georgia not-gonna-be-guv Karen Handel, Kansas senatorial failure Todd Tiahrt, and a fancy lawyer lady in Tennessee named CeCe Heil who won’t be a Congresslady come November. What does this mean for Palin’s own campaign — which may or may not be real, like everything else about her? MORE »

Genitals are, of course, the “hidden victims” of all of America’s many wars (“hidden” because American soldiers all wear pants, like good Christians). While much fancy technology has been used to protect the head and torso parts of your typical U.S. soldier or Marine, our culture’s outdated shame code has led our military-industrial complex to neglect the crucial crotchal region. Fortunately, our junior partners in imperialism, the Brits, literally have no shame whatsoever, and they’re stepping up to the plate. MORE »

Alyona Minkovski, a a Putin-recruited spy who does some kind of show for a Russian cable channel that is also on cable in America, maybe, has carefully studied all of Wonkette’s writers and deemed Sara Benincasa the “telegenic one,” apparently, because after her first appearance she was invited back, to talk about News Corp.’s latest purchase. Then she was ambushed with a bunch of hard questions about rich women and their asses, and how men cheat on them all the time. See how she did Wonkette proud, after the jump! MORE »

In the Los Angeles suburb of Bell, California, several hundred angry citizens showed up at a city council meeting to demand that four of their five council members resign for earning exorbitant salaries and letting the town become an “epicenter of corruption,” the Wall Street Journal reports. Many people in attendance shouted and waved their arms around, but the highlight was a patriotic circus clown who took advantage of the moment to tell jokes about rattlesnakes and lawyers, or rattlesnake-lawyers. (It’s hard to hear him, what with all the yelling.) MORE »

• As threatened, both Washington and Wyoming went ahead with their primary elections yesterday. Washington didn’t surprise anybody because it is boring; in Wyoming, the nominations of Republican Matt Mead and Democrat Leslie Peterson for governor surprised everyone, because nobody had heard of any of the candidates before and thus any name would have been a surprise. Mead has a weird, defensive, rambling thing about highway funding as a top-level link on his Web site, so you know this is going to be an exciting race. MORE »

  ---

North Korea is so in touch with the times that it is now your Twitter and YouTube friend! State media outlet Uriminzokkiri will provide you fun and interesting tweets about North Korea news here and informative news video here. We are not exactly sure what news is going on in the news segment above, as we do not read Korean, we just speak it. But obviously our CNNs and MSNBCs and Fox Newses have a lot to learn about making news entertaining, as we are utterly transfixed by this. MORE »

BLAGOJEVICH GUILTY ON ONE COUNT, AND IT’S NOT FOR BRIBING ANYTHING: Popular reality-show contestant Rod Blagojevich has been found guilty of only one of the 24 charges against him, making a false statement or representation to the FBI. The jury was hung on the rest of the charges. And now the sleazebag will surely declare victory in a parade of teevee appearances. How the hell did this happen? Obama and his mobster pals were on the jury, of course. [CNN]

Here’s Pat Buchanan talking about former House Speaker “Nude” Gingrich on this never-ending mosque bullshit non-issue. And he’s actually very right! Wow, there you go. A nice summary of the breadth of contemporary Republican political tactics. Looks like some pundits are more capable than a grilled cheese sandwich, even when they’re just residue somebody scraped from the crusty old remains of yesteryear. This man is like a grilled cheese sandwich WITH TOMATO! MORE »

Did you know that Australia, the America of the Antiopdes, still squirms under the brutal heel of Elizabeth of Windsor? It is true! The Aussies came close to throwing off her yoke a decade ago, but she used her lizard-person mind powers on them somehow and they slavishly voted to keep sending her forty tons of the nation’s best uranium and its twelve most comely virgins every year. But now Australia has a lady PM who is impervious to the Queen’s mind tricks and perhaps dreams of being ruler herself! Too bad she will lose the election Saturday, maybe. MORE »

Get it? “Mama grizzlies”? You get it. Real women voters get dressed up in animal costumes and makeup and have sex with each other. Ooooooooh! Sarah Palin is gonna be so mad that you said she doesn’t speak for lesbian furries! MORE »