Wonkette

Sure, you’ve heard “We’ve Got to Stop the Mosque At Ground Zero,” but have you heard “SALT IN THE WOUND”? Hatred and images of people dying in a terrorist attack never sounded so upbeat! MORE »

• The Cordoba Victory Party Mosque continued to inspire America’s best passions all over our xenophobic idiot-state, even after our own Muslim president cowardly came out in favor of its “constitutional” right to exist.
• Famous clown/Senator Carl Levin got smacked in the face with a Cordoba pie.
• A man whose name supposedly means “a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter” heard the Lord’s call to tramp around Iowa, flipping pork chops, so that he might convince people he could be America’s next “worst president.”
• America’s most malignant cancer, bumper stickers, continued to pierce the souls of those most attuned to their messages of hateful coexistence.
• South Carolina senatorial hopeful Alvin Greene let out a mighty roar, despairing of our nation’s losing the long-held Daoist beliefs brought by the pilgrims, on the Mayflower.

Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter have surprised people lately, by seeming to be pretty tolerant of the gays. But don’t expect that tolerance to get past the Jesus fishes at the American Family Association! These teevee pundits have gone “AWOL in the culture war,” going from “sexually normal” soldiers for Christendom to veritable illegally gay laissez-faire (the French word for “gay”) soldiers, according to the AFA. “If Homocon is Elliott Spitzer, you are in danger of becoming the Ashley Dupre of the conservative movement,” they say of Coulter. Somebody call Krauthammer! We’ve found a brilliant analogist! (Haha, “anal-ogist.”) MORE »

Is it possible to win an Oscar for best musical selection in a YouTube video? Because this is perfect. Thank you George W. Bush, from the bottom of all our hearts, for winning the Iraq War this week. MORE »

As we reported earlier in the week, North Korea now has official state-run Twitter and YouTube accounts, where it posts news videos about important dogs. According to South Korea, who likes to stalk its ex North Korea online, DPRK now has joined your parents and grandparents on Facebook. It does not have a fan page, however; it has a personal account. And it has taken this opportunity to pull a Sam Alito’s daughter: North Korea is gay, according to its profile. MORE »

Milorad “Rod” Blagojevich, a resident of Illinois, was an employee of the U.S. Federal Government until 2002, when he took a position with the government of the State of Illinois. Part of the compensation he received with this job was an employer-provided residence; however, although Blagojevich signed a new contract with the Illinois government in 2006, in early 2009 he was fired from his job due to accusations of workplace malfeasance, the details of which are still in dispute. As a result, he was forced to vacate his residence on short notice, and, like many Americans facing such a situation, placed some of his belongings in a storage unit. However, he has failed to make the required rental payments on this storage space for over a year, and, as a consequence, the contents of the unit were auctioned off yesterday. MORE »

Thank God (not Allah) that we have Charles Krauthammer to lead the hearts and minds of our country. Krauthammer, you will be shocked to learn, considering that kind face of his, is against the conversion of that Manhattan Burlington Coat Factory to a mosque. (All the 9/11 families say it should be a Big Lots, by the way.) And he has led us on this issue, tirelessly, in his dumb job that pays him an actual living wage simply to write a single column every week. Today’s conclusion: Obama is a coward for coming out in favor of the freedom of religion, and his ilk do not have a refined taste in analogies, like Krauthammer does. MORE »

Michelle Malkin put back on her sexy bikini because she has a very important column today about how Obama is “grabbing” our oceans from us. PUT THOSE BACK WHERE YOU FOUND THEM, SOCIALIST! “It’s not enough that the White House is moving to lock up hundreds of millions of acres of land in the name of environmental protection. The Obama administration’s neon green radicals are also training their sights on the deep blue seas.” Oh no! Not those two colors! MORE »

The Moon: it’s America’s moon! We put our flag there, and thus according to the international legal principles of “firsties” and “fuck off, we’re using it,” it is OURS. But according to NASA, the Moon is shrinking. SHUT UP, NASA. Our moon is fine. Every country we’ve ever shown it to says so. You know, some aliens even prefer a smaller moon, so there. Yes, our government has seen those late-night commercials with Jimmy Johnson and ordered those moon pills, but it’s to make our moon PERFORM better, okay? Any added size is just a bonus and is totally not why we bought them. MORE »

Do you know what this idiotic anti-Cordoba House crusade has done? It has poisoned the atmosphere at Ground Zero, one of America’s most important places. Ground Zero is a giant open pit in the ground that has remained a sad hole surrounded by ugly temporary fencing for nearly a decade because of 21st century America’s complete and utter inability to build or do anything at all complicated, which is why we all live in the crumbling ruins of the earlier civilization that spawned us. Normally the streetscape around this sacred construction site is hallowed by street vendors selling tacky Twin Towers trinkets and tourists with fanny packs, who only got there after asking a dozen New Yorkers “where 9/11 is,” grinning like idiots for pictures. But now this sacred space has been invaded by people protesting the renovation of a Burlington Coat Factory two blocks away. Are these people spectacularly dumb? Find out after the jump! (SPOILER ALERT: They are.) MORE »

Sometimes, even superfans get angry at their favorite auteurs. For example, every time I think about those Star Wars abortionfilms with Hayden Christensen, I get PPSD (post prequel stress disorder) and have rage fits involving visions of Jar Jar eating George Lucas. Last Friday, I was rather incensed at my own favorite director, Official White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary, because he did not post his latest installment of West Wing Week at the usual time of 12:00 a.m. ET. Like all good boyfriends, Arun attempted to make amends via Twitter. MORE »

Tom Tancredo is engaged in a noble quest to keep the Colorado governor’s race as hilarious as possible, and he is not disappointing! We all know Tom’s big thing is immigration, but how can you work that into your quixotic third-party run for the governorship of a state that doesn’t even border Mexico? We’ll probably find out later; for now, he’s going to go with abortion, instead, because it’s well known that abortion is to ladies as immigration is to Mexicans. And supposedly ultra-right-wing Republican candidate Dan Maes just picked a lady as his running mate! Do you think this lady might have opinions about wombs and the babies that grow there — opinions different from Tom Tancredo’s? MORE »

Nevada scribe Sharron Angle believes that the color black is satanic! Or at least she used to, before her campaign advisers started telling her to appear more “tolerant.” Senator Harry Reid also is satanic, which is why he’s making t-shirts with this design, which mocks Angle for once campaigning against black high-school football jerseys full of Devil Power. MORE »

What do you have to do these days to become the director of the Bureau of Consumer Financial Protection? The precedent set by Keyboard Cat and Mike Gravel is quite clear: You need to make a musical YouTube video, something the kids can “grind to.” But Elizabeth Warren doesn’t have time for such trifles, and that is why “The Main Street Brigade” — a pro-Warren death squad — made a sick YouTube beat in her honor. “Got A New Sheriff” is the new #1 best song for getting your dry-hump on. The sounds are so smooth, it’s as if Elizabeth Warren is delicately tickling the inside of your ear, with her tongue, in the most sexual way possible. Yes. [Yeas & Nays/YouTube]

More institutionalized reverse sexism, with Wonkette ladies getting involved in exciting video internet projects, while the menfolk just sit around in their underwear at home, eating 100 calorie packs of Cheetos and scratching themselves. (This is because Communist Woodrow Wilson gave them the right to vote, probably.) Sara Benincasa got invited back by Alyona Minkovski, who is mad that we called her a Russian spy (to which we say, once you stop spying for Russia, Alyona, we’ll talk). Why is Sara so angry? Is it because of how the babushkas tarted up her hair and makeup? Is it because the right wing is “invading [her] earpiece?” Find out, after the jump. MORE »