Wonkette

President Barack Obama jokingly puts his toe on the scale as Trip Director Marvin Nicholson, unaware to the President’s action, weighs himself as the presidential entourage passed through the volleyball locker room at the University of Texas in Austin, Texas, Aug. 9, 2010. That’s your prez! Always with the jokes! (When he’s not GOLFING.) Nice catch, Souza. [Flickr]

So here is DNC communications director Brad Woodhouse on ABC’s Web show “Top Line,” not knowing the name of whatever lame dude the Democrats managed to scrape together to run against Teabag Arctic Fox Joe Miller, and so the NRSC is spreading this around to show how much cooler they are. “Democrats are the real extremists,” they say in the YouTube description. What? Democrats are basically MUSLIN TERRORISTS because they don’t know the name of their Alaska Senate nominee? But this may all be moot, and the generic Democrat may win, because Lisa Murkowski’s campaign is looking into an independent run to keep her seat, and thus VOTES MAY BE SPLIT. MORE »

Chris Young is a perennial mayoral candidate in Providence, Rhode Island. As you can see in the video above, he knows that the most important part of politics is pulling out a music recording and singing along to the psalm you wrote about Jesus. DID YOU LEARN ANYTHING, WONKETEERS? Previously Young was kicked out of a debate holding a statue of the Virgin Mary, and another time he got angry and flipped over a debate table. Last night, though, he was on his “best behavior.” He proposed to his GIRLFRIEND as his closing statement, though that may have been just been a cynical ploy to get the audience to go “awwwwwwww.” MORE »

Here is California Republican Mattie Fein and a person playing Rep. Jane Harman, her opponent in this year’s midterm / contest to see who can make dumber cultural allusions. So this is what the Newsweek offices look like these days? [YouTube]

Thursday, August 26, and Friday, August 27: Women don’t like baseball and neither do kids with peanut allergies, but both breeds are being lured to Nationals Stadium this week by jewelry, handbags and EpiPens. On Thursday, the Nationals are hosting a Vegas themed pre-game party complete with massages and manicures for all womenfolk in DC. On Friday, they’re creating a peanut-free section so kids with this life impediment can enjoy a game without the prospect of death. [Ladies Night and Peanut Free Night with the Nationals] MORE »

Team Sarah knows that the only place truth can possibly exist is in their teevee box, when it’s tuned to Fox News. But what happens when Fox News talks about Sarah Palin and it’s not in the religiously masturbatory way they do at Team Sarah? Is Fox News starting to HIDE the truth that Sarah Palin is your best friend and a national hero who speaks the word of God Himself? YES, Fox News has “gone RINO.” “Frankly I hate the Fair and Balanced pretense they pull ever day,” writes USMCOoorah. “If I want liberal sided opinion it’s everywhere, I don’t want Fox injecting it into my viewing pleasure. ruining my viewing pleasure.” Gross! Stop injecting that liberalism into his pleasure! He just wants slow motion video of a pregnant Sarah Palin 24/7. MORE »

We wondered last night just how much money John (Cindy) McCain blew on Arizona’s GOP Senate primary. And now, with a preliminary total of 281,347 votes for ol’ Walnuts, the people at Esquire have done the Hard Math and figured out the craven fraud spent $74.64 for each one of his unenthusiastic votes — $21 million ÷ 281,347 = $74.64. The McCain/Budweiser fortune should be totally shot by the next couple of Senate races! MORE »

Oh, thank you, North Korean YouTube, that almost looks like a real news segment! Yes, Kim Jong-il gets to paste together another fun photo collage of him with a former American president, and America gets back one of its citizens. It’s a win-win situation! So Jimmy Carter has arrived, and here he is receiving flowers and an angry communist salute from the president of North Korea’s child trade union. MORE »

Why is our modern political discourse conducted at such a high grade-level? Americans cannot follow it! They did not pay attention in school; they strung themselves along doing next to nothing until they could land themselves a lifetime job of menial labor, which is what you’re supposed to do. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO STUPIDITY IN AMERICA JUST AS YOU ARE ENTITLED TO APPLE PIE AND VAGINAL INTERCOURSE. Knowing this, and knowing people’s hatred of ideas that could complicate or change their political beliefs, Michele Bachmann has optimistically decided to make it easy for us. Here is Jim the Election Guy! He will be with you through this entire campaign to hold your hand! First up: Bachmann’s opponent <3 taxes. MORE »

• A video game from 1998 CONCLUSIVELY PROVES that Marxism is a lie. [Ludwig Von Mises Institute]
• The Huffington Post and some Islamaphobe blog are in a juicy spat because HuffPo reported the Islamaphobe’s Islamaphobic ads were taken down when they were actually not taken down, prompting MASSIVE RETALIATION via blog post. [AtlasShrugs]
• One day after winning his primary, Marco Rubio abandons the Tea Party Scott Brown-style, by not worshiping them with his every breath. [DailyCaller]
• John Dennis is so gay for Judy Garland he fantasizes about defeating his congressional opponent Nancy Pelosi in ruby red slippers while subjecting Judy/Nancy to a wet T-shirt contest. [John Dennis]
• The Moonies are all up in the dramz because a non-Moon is trying to grab the Washington Times from the Rev. Moon’s son, but daddy Moon seems to be OK with it, so everyone should just get mass-married already. [DailyIntel]

OH NO WATCH OUT MICHELE BACHMANN THERE’S A BUS BEHIND YOU! Oh, LOLZ, just kidding — that beautiful luxury coach in the back is the Minnesota Congresslady’s own special tour bus to ride around her district in, shaking her moneymaker to replenish the ol’ campaign coffers. She liked the Sarah Palin and Tea Party buses, and heard about Joe Wilson’s new bus full of jobs, and just had to get a ride of her own. Bachmann’s new ride has personalized features, such as windows made out of a special kind of glass to deflect Nancy Pelosi death stares and anti-U2 Boat reinforcements. Oh looky she’s TWEETING PICS FROM THE ROAD. MORE »

Look at this hot piece of apple pie: he’s ultra-masculine, loves smoking cigars, fetishises puppets, and most importantly, HATES MUSLIMS. This super-hunk, Doug Giles, introduces us to our terrifying future in AMERICANISTAN where Sharia law rules and skunk puppets are no longer permitted to confuse Shania Twain with John Lennon. Shania Twain, incidentally, is one of the few musicians never to have covered the ex-Beatles’ famous anti-burqa anthem, Imagine, but that doesn’t matter, because SHARIA SHIZZLE. [YouTube]

If you follow American politics and you have a soul, one of your least favorite phrases is some variation of “forced down our throats.” This is generally used to imply that some law or regulation has gone into effect as a result of an election in which the winning side received 52 to 56 percent of the vote, as typical in a democratic system (e.g., “This health care reform has been rammed down our throats”). It is occasionally hilarious when it involves gayness (e.g., “The tyrannical courts are shoving gay marriage down our throats”) because it makes it clear how much the speaker thinks about hot cocks and the deep-throating thereof. But it’s almost never used in a political context to describe the sorts of things that might actually enter a person’s throat (i.e., food) — until one brave teabagger candidate for the Montana legislature dared speak out against this communist “healthy eating” craze. MORE »

Alvin Greene has so far waged a mostly peaceful campaign in his quest to defeat Jim DeMint and become South Carolina’s next senator. But the savage bellowing he directed at various members of the media may indicate that he plans to change tactics, and a recent incident in Oconee County is bringing his new plans into better focus. If the scuffle that one of his vicious enforcers instigated in a restaurant is any indication, he may be exchanging Lao Tzu’s Daoist teachings for Sun Tzu’s Art of War. Will any of his enemies still be alive at the end of the inevitable murderous rampage? Probably not. MORE »

Washington, D.C. looks, like, super-depressed about having to host this weekend’s Glenn Beck’s Lard-Baby Rally & Hate Festival, you guys. When it saw that junky “Restoring Honor” stage banner thingie go up, it felt really embarrassed and even kind of distraught, you know? So it went all gray and overcast. Didn’t feel like sunshining. Seemed so … pointless. MORE »

Tom Vilsack has had some not-fun times lately, according to prominent body language experts, due mostly to that one time he fired Shirley Sherrod for being racist because Andrew Breitbart told him to. Like many Washington politicians looking for redemption do, Vilsack gave his side of the story in a long talk with the Politico, a pioneering magazine founded by Andy Warhol that prints interviews of insiders by insiders, edited in an eclectic style. Tom tells fellow raconteur Roger Simon about some fascinating stuff: about how Rahm Emanuel won’t let him go back to Iowa in shame; about how all political decisions in Washington are made two lines of BlackBerry screen text at a time; and about his plans for violent suicide. MORE »

South Carolina Congressman Joe “You LIE!” Wilson is currently riding around his district in a big fancy bus, surprising local proles by showing up at their work places and pretending like he gives a fuck about what they do all day. His road trip is officially called the “Joe Means Jobs” tour, which is Wilsonian for “vote for me and I’ll reward you with a bowl of this gruel, made from sun dried-palmetto bugs and the teardrops of impoverished families.” Let’s see where Wilson has experimented with performing real work for a change, shall we? MORE »

• Team Wonkette all went to bed last night before the returns from America’s Icebox came in, so they didn’t have time to report the SHOCKING ANTI-INCUMBENT NEWS that hated creep Lisa Murkowski may well be defeated by the immaculately stubbled, Tim James campaign ad-imitating Joe Miller in the Republican primary! Miller is up by 4 percentage points with 77 percent of the vote counted. He didn’t have a lot of money to spend, but he did have Sarah Palin’s endorsement, which is more valuable than a treasure chest full of Spanish doubloons. MORE »

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