A bunch of retired professional football and basketball athletes have been running for office this year on the Republican ticket, to Take America Back and also reinforce the stereotype about jocks not being very bright. The aspiring-leader bunch includes “at least five” former NFL or NBA superheroes, Bloomberg News reports. Talk about tossing political footballs! LOL. MORE »

A tipster spotted this angry letter about the Ground Zero Not-Mosque on the website of Raleigh, North Carolina’s News & Observer newspaper. Instead of “Muslim,” it uses the word “muslin” — which your Wonkette uses all the time, because “muslin” is what the Prophet Muhammad actually called his followers. If you are a linguistics professor or a marketing guru, be sure to use this letter as a case study when speaking about “social media influence on language” or some other nebulous topic. [Washington Post/Newsandobserver.com]

Religion/national security/energy/feminism expert @SarahPalinUSA might be losing her magical touch when it comes to stumping for the nation’s Republican candidates, speculates the new peer-reviewed political science journal The Hill. Both Washington Senate candidate Clint Didier and Wyoming wannabe governor Rita Meyer just lost their primaries despite having Palin’s endorsement, joining a losers’ circle that includes Georgia not-gonna-be-guv Karen Handel, Kansas senatorial failure Todd Tiahrt, and a fancy lawyer lady in Tennessee named CeCe Heil who won’t be a Congresslady come November. What does this mean for Palin’s own campaign — which may or may not be real, like everything else about her? MORE »

In the Los Angeles suburb of Bell, California, several hundred angry citizens showed up at a city council meeting to demand that four of their five council members resign for earning exorbitant salaries and letting the town become an “epicenter of corruption,” the Wall Street Journal reports. Many people in attendance shouted and waved their arms around, but the highlight was a patriotic circus clown who took advantage of the moment to tell jokes about rattlesnakes and lawyers, or rattlesnake-lawyers. (It’s hard to hear him, what with all the yelling.) MORE »

Iowa Congressman and Bible interpretationist Steve King must be feeling bored and restless in these dog days of summer — or maybe he’s just riding a sweet corn sugar high — because he’s awfully feisty these days. It’s like he’ll say anything to get some attention! At least we can say he adds some “spontaneity” to Capitol Hill life. MORE »

If you’ve got free time, a Newell Coach or other vehicle of some sort, a heart swelling with love for your country, and a buck or two left in your bank account, you are already luckier than 90% of Americans, most of whom lack one or more of those things. Consider capitalizing on your fortunes by taking a fabulous vacation to one of the many upcoming Tea Party/conservative/wingnut events happening soon in our great nation. Your Wonkette has created a convenient guide to the best of these parties. Take our hand as we explore the many options, together! MORE »

OMG you guys, do you know who’s trying to politically destroy our beautiful Minnesota Congressmodel Michele Bachmann this week, besides everyone who isn’t wearing an American flag somewhere on their person? It’s Walter Mondale, former vice-president to Jimmy Carter and 1984’s Democratic wannabe president. Is Mondale a secret sexist? MORE »

All weekend long your Wonkette received a steady stream of emails from concerned librul Americans about Cordoba House Hysteria, which is sweepin’ the nation like George the Janitor is sweepin’ the floor. This is because Imam Obamar came out in support of the mosque, after learning that it would be LEED-certified and also offer paintball facilities. A patriotic onslaught of tweets, Facebookery, vloggism, and bloggism about the Obamar Nazi-Satan-Allah speech followed. Let’s look at some of the results — they form a beautiful patchwork quilt of American hate-diversity. MORE »

Republican Florida state house candidate Marg Baker has won the Internet celebrity sweepstakes for suggesting that Florida send illegal immigrants “out to the middle of the country and put up high walls and leave them there.” You know, get ‘em off the streets, make ‘em disappear. Like the “e” in her name! Seriously, where did the “e” go? MORE »

Using a GPS tracking device as a “pen,” Nick Newcomen drove 12,328 miles around 30 states to draw the message “Read Ayn Rand” on America, in honor of the Objectivist writer made famous by Wonkette cartoonist Benjamin Frisch. According to the Wired science blog, you can only see the message if you use Google Earth. But that doesn’t make much sense, because we’re seeing it now, right? MORE »

Neoconservative pot-pundit Andrew Sullivan decorated one of his recent posts, titled “Support For Marriage Equality Accelerating?”, with this graph showing that Americans’ support for same-sex marriage has increased since 1988 to more than 50%, while opposition to it has impotenced. But Paul Hipple, editor of the popular Dominionists for Tancredo/Palin 2012 blog, sees something more in Sullivan’s illustration: “the shape of an engorged, fully erect male phallus, possibly of human origin.” MORE »

Texas state house representative Debbie Riddle went on CNN to talk to Anderson Cooper about “ill-iggles” immigrating here unlawfully, and brought up the latest threat to America: the TERROR BABIES. Terror babies are even more terrifying than standard-issue anchor babies, because their foreigner moms come here to America specifically to birth them, haul them back to whatever country, and raise them to become terrists. Then the babies come back here as terror-adults and ruin things. Who is Debbie Riddle, and how did she come to know all about this evil infant scourge? MORE »

New Hampshire U.S. Senate candidate and seasoned sole-barer Jim Bender has released yet another new campaign ad! In this one, a lady law enforcer stops Uncle Sam for driving his convertible full of hefty ObamaLaws (and a little abused animal-pig named Earmark) too slowly, then Bender shows up and says HEYO. MORE »

Welcome to this week’s edition of Burn Yer Queeran, where we round up the headlines about America’s ongoing and deserved war against those pesky Allah fanboys and fangirls. To enhance your reading experience, print out and hold onto a copy of this photo of a Christ Palin shrine sent in by anonymous tipster “Paula Abdulaziz,” put on your earphones, and tune in to 9-11 FM. OK, here we go! MORE »

Infomercial artist and Sen. John McCain primary opponent J.D. Hayworth is just one of many patriots speaking at the United Border Coalition Tea Party Rally happening this Sunday down on the Arizona-Messico porous-border in honor of the SB 1070 immigration law. Even Sharron Angle’s going to be there, running a lemon-infused fertility water stand, to prevent dehydration and abortions. MORE »