• Did you hear about yesterday’s ruling in The Elite vs. The People? That is the actual name of the court case in which the America People lost to the Elite Gays of California. [RedState]
• Jonah Goldberg is (once again) the NRO’s icanhascheezburger RSS feed. You are just one short click away from all the puppies and kittens. [The Corner]
• New York state senator Pedro Espada pacified an angry mob by tossing crumpled up dollar bills at them. And that’s America, folks. [Daily Intel]
• Woah, it was really Nixon who authorized unauthorized bombing missions in North Vietnam, and not General John D. Lavelle. (That is so out of character for Nixon.) [Weekly Standard]

The American Enterprise Institute has been hemming and hawing over the important policy question, “Why won’t Julian Assange just die already?” Julian Assange, as you might recall, is the jerk from Wikileaks who tricked possibly hundreds of Americans into caring about the war in Afghanistan for maybe thirty seconds. Can’t you just let America watch its vampire sitcoms in peace, Mr. Julian Assange? No? Okay no problem we will just Predator Drone you, then. MORE »

There are so few heroes for the young people to look up to these days, what with Lindsay Lohan serving time and more and more Republicans opting for sex scandals involving consensual, heterosexual intercourse and so forth. So who should your children admire? They should admire Major General Jerry R. Curry, the army-man who knows that Barack Obama is black, but note quite black enough. The army-man who is fed up with Barack Obama’s race-baiting, his muslim faith and his non-existent support for the troops. The army-man whose name was selected from a hat to pen this week’s “Real America Will Never Ever Trust Barry Hussein” column for Human Events. MORE »

• Here is today’s obligatory “No Muslim Churches at Ground Zero” thing. It brings up a lot of great points (i.e. 9/11) so make sure you read it in its entirety. [RedState]
• Governor Paterson vetoed important sippy cup legislation. What else is there to say? New York wants to keep the sippy cup down. [Daily Intel]
• Matt Yglesias finally explains his postmodern concept of “the pundit’s fallacy” (when Andrew Breitbart convinces the White House that Shirley Sherrod is a huge racist). [Matt Yglesias]
• There is feverish warblogging going on at the global warming conspiracy hub ScienceBlogs. Nerds. [The Daily Dish]
• If you were tricked into buying a broken iPhone from Steve Jobs, please help the free market mend its tarnished reputation by downloading this chic Ayn Rand fart app. [Hit & Run]

EX-GIRLFRIEND ALMOST GETS MARION BARRY IN A LOT OF TROUBLE AGAIN: “The Office of Campaign Finance has cleared D.C. Council member Marion Barry (D-Ward 8) of violating city laws in giving then-girlfriend Donna Watts-Brighthaupt a $5,000-a-month contract in 2009.” Hurray! [Washington Post]

Most of us missed yesterday’s episode of “Fox News Sunday,” because Sunday is the Lord’s Day, the day when you crawl off the couch and dirtbike to church so you can show Jesus the new unregistered semiautomatic you purchased at Walmart. But anyway, back to this Fox News segment: Chris Wallace blurts out something about “the Arab Arizona immigration law,” which is confusing because “Arab” should never be used as a compliment. But that is neither here nor there. The real hot-as-Tim Pawlenty’s-hot-wife scoop is that Sarah Palin was too busy fantasizing about the size of Barack Obama’s genitals to notice that Chris Wallace called Arizona “Arab”. This video is Suitable for Work, but only because Sarah Palin stops herself at the last possible moment from orgasming all over the teevee. MORE »

When will Barack Obama stop dicking around on his BlackBerry and offer to help Sarah Palin kill all the Mexicans squeezing through our giant pore-border with Mexico? Also, what? [Twitter]

• Many communities have decriminalized marijuana-cigarette smoking, but one very progressive township has taken this to the next level. Niskayuna, New York, has legalized ice cream trucks so children don’t have to drive to the ice cream store after they get high on marijuana. Now they can just lie in the street, stoned, and wait for the ice cream to come to them. [Hit & Run]
• The anxiously anticipated release of Erick Erickson’s autobiography, Jesus, et Cetera, is just two short months away. Pre-order Jesus, et Cetera on Amazon maybe? [RedState]
• Diaperman David Vitter has a very poor opinion of the FDA, because in his alternate whoremonger universe FDA is a secret acronym for Federal Death (Panel) Administration. Sigh. [Think Progress]
• Yes, The View forced Barack Obama to confess he doesn’t know what “Snooki” is, and yes, this means he probably just read “Snooki” from a teleprompter during the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, because he is braindead and regurgitates important words such as “Snooki” without even knowing what they are. You figured it out Jonah Goldberg, you are Today’s Winner. [The Corner]
• Poll: Hillary Clinton could be The President if she murdered Barack Obama and then wore his skin as a body suit, in 2012. [Washington Whispers]

OMG the president is on the famous old-lady chatroom teevee show The View. And if you’re on the East Coast, he is on the teevee right now at this moment, if you’re reading this exactly when we are typing it. Let’s join all the famous ladies — Oprah, Katie Couric, Penelope Cruz, Donna Brazile and Meg McCain — for a delightful daytime talk romp with our Commander in Couch, Barack Obama! He will tell America’s house-bound moms and disabled factory workers about the Highs & Lows of his eight years in the White House, so far. MORE »

What have you infidels done this time to infuriate Mahmoud Ahmadinejad so thoroughly? (Trick question, for your very existence forces Ahmadinejad to hate you at all hours of the day.) But his never-ceasing hatred has just been multiplied by infinity, thanks in part to a certain German octopus by the name of Paul, who is worshiped like a false Western prophet because he incorrectly guessed Spain would win the World Cup and not “Death to America.” Ahmadinejad laughs and laughs at your so-called octopus. MORE »

“We’re going to continue to mindlessly funnel money to Pakistan so they can train people to kill us, irregardless of whatever that HippieLeaks fruit posted on the Internets.” [The Hill: Twitter Room]

• Americans are fat and poor, mostly because of those damn muslins and their evil mosques and kor-annes and prayer carpeting. [Matt Yglesias]
• The White House built a ramp in honor of the 20th anniversary of Disabled Americans, and also because Joe Biden kept falling down the stairs. [Washington Examiner]
• Bastion of Tolerance Bill O’Reilly loves the gays more than Barack Obama does. Ergo: Impeach Hopey, Bill O’Reilly 2012. [AMERICAblog]
• Have you heard about these “Trig Troofers,” you know, the people who think Trig was an inside job? Well this hardly comes as a surprise, but at least two of these “Troofers” are communists who write for The American Prospect. [RedState]
• Posh-Pants David Cameron called Gaza “a prison camp.” Why is David Cameron so anti-Semitic? [The Daily Dish]

Hi America, do you have a second? Because Bill Kristol needs your help most urgently. He is searching for a word that defines the “conservative agenda,” a word that means “to refute making sense” and “to repudiate Mexicans,” a special word meaning both of these things at the same time. “Get a brain, morans” doesn’t quite work, because it is a complete sentence and not a word. Hm. Oh wait what about Sarah Palin’s Shakespearean Couplet, “refudiation”? Yes, that just might be stupid enough! MORE »

• The entire Western Hemisphere is unemployed but surprise surprise, the U.S. Senate is too busy playing grab-ass with hott celebs to even feign interest. [The Caucus]
• Matt published super-private emails sent to him by Jonathan Strong, of Daily Caller JournoList muckraking fame. And now everyone knows Jonathan Strong’s secret phone number, so dial those digits and ask him out on a date. [Matt Yglesias]
• Bobby Jindal insists that Louisiana does not need BP’s money. Uh, it does, Bobby. It really does. [RedState]
• In other Louisiana news: Catholic bishops insist that Louisianians do not need to bring their guns up to the altar when receiving Holy Communion. Uh, they do, Catholic bishops. They really do. [Think Progress]
• LeBron James decided to play sports with the Miami Heat because H&R Block told him he would save a whole bunch on state and local taxes by moving to Florida. [Weekly Standard]

• Diaper Pants David Vitter joked he would never let Rachel Maddow put diapers on him, because that would be gross: Rachel Maddow has man-features! And then David Vitter apologized to Rachel Maddow and his entire family, as is his wont. [Washington Post]
• Matt Yglesias is very concerned about overcrowding on the Metro in 2020. This is the only thing Matt can foresee as being an issue in 2020. [Matt Yglesias]
• Spain has agreed to grant 52 Cuban exiles political asylum. But why is Spain helping Castro get rid of people he doesn’t care for? There is a word for that, and it is “Declaring War on the United States.” [Weekly Standard]
• Barack Obama accuses the Republican Party of lacking faith in the American people, but Erick Erickson turns this accusation right on its head, and now the accusation’s skull is crushed because it is so weak and Erick is so mighty. [RedState]
• Andrew Sullivan invented a dystopian pay-as-you-go park bench, OR, if you look at the glass half full, a free and very public butt plug machine. The future is looking up! [The Daily Dish]

• Future President of America Newt Gingrich is hosting his very own Beer Summit so the NAACP and the Tea Party can finally make amends and work together to impeach that evil, evil black man. [The Hill: Twitter Room]
• The Daily Caller has acquired KeithOlbermann.com, because Tucker Carlson is a shrewd businessman and wants to be the leading wheeler and dealer of all things Keith Olbermann. [The Daily Caller]
• Turd Blossom Karl Rove’s biggest #1 regret is not doing a better job of defending the WMD fan fiction and all the other make-believe stories George Bush barfed up during his hilarious presidency. [Daily Intel]
• A kind soul has sent anonymous snail mail to Arizona businesses reminding them that soon (but not soon enough!) Mexicans will be ILLEGAL, FAIR WARNING. [Think Progress]
• The House passed a bill that is supposed to make “telecommuting” (blogging from home) more sexy and appealing for U.S. workers. Don’t do it, it’s a trap! [The Caucus]