Wonkette

• Barack Obama was cold shoppin’ for seafood and minding his own Martha’s-Vineyard-business when a reporter ambushed him for no reason with insensitive questions about Iraq. Obama responded with the old “We’re Buying [Popcorn] Shrimp, Guys. Come On.” [Daily Intel]
• OH NO: In Philadelphia you need a $300 license to blog and/or write lists for eHow. Time to get a real job! [Think Progress]
• Alaskan moose savant and Sarah Palin protégé Joe Miller needs all of your money so that he forge more ballots than Lisa Murkowski. No time to lose! [RedState]
• David Paterson is hopeful that the recent New York City (it’s a city near Ground Zero) Muslim-Stabbing will help America realize that if Park 51 is constructed so close to Ground Zero even more Muslims will be stabbed, and nobody wants that, per se. [Think Progress]
• The results from the Weekly Standard Cruise 2012 Straw Poll are in, hooray! Bill Kristol voted for himself and tied for last place with one vote and Congressman Paul Ryan secured a staggering 51 votes, which means he is the president for the remainder of the cruise. [Weekly Standard]

According to the The Hotline, anonymous Democratic insiders are saying they think they will hold onto the House this election. According to Politico, anonymous Democratic insiders are saying they do not think they will hold onto the House this election. “[S]senior Democratic strategists say they’re not only likely to keep the House, but they believe the GOP won’t come close to gaining the 39 seats they need to take over.” And also: “Top Democrats are growing markedly more pessimistic about holding the House, privately conceding that the summertime economic and political recovery they were banking on will not likely materialize by Election Day.” Either these Democrats are bipolar, or somebody is bad at journalism. MORE »

Alaska’s First Family, the Palin-Johnstons, are at it again today with the expected news that Bristol Palin will perform on a reality teevee show. Were you hoping for Jersey Shore IV: Wasilla Dumpster Behind the Tattoo Parlor? Patience. For now, it’s Dancing With the Stars, ABC’s inexplicable hit from the 1990s about D-list media losers dancing very badly with professional escorts. Everything about the Palins is simultaneously shocking and totally expected. MORE »

Yes, yes, yes, Washington, DC is very sad because we’re about to be overrun with racist loonies who worship a pudgy weirdo who worships space monsters. But before the crazies shuffle onto their tour buses and make their way into our city’s safest areas, we have local politics to focus upon, namely the election for mayor between Current Mayor Adrian Fenty and DC Council Chairman Vincent Gray. MORE »

MSNBC’s 6 pm host Ed Schultz and his dumb, boring show have never really seemed to fit the cable news network, and today he finds himself in the New York Post for going crazy at MSNBC headquarters at 30 Rockefeller Center a couple weeks back. This story is made all the better by the fact that the New York Post, despite being disgusting and hateful all the time, apparently does not believe in printing swears. “As astonished MSNBC staff members fell silent, Schultz glared around the room and yelled, ‘[Bleep]ers!’” Oh no! Bleepers! Who still uses a “bleeper” these days? It’s 2009! MORE »

Oh, Jimmy Carter is in North Korea right now? That’s funny, because Kim Jong-il is in China with his son. Yeah, hope you enjoy talking to a country full of Kim Jong-il’s servants, peanut man, because ol’ Jong face can’t make it in today. Too busy with his gay life partner China. JIMMY CARTER, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN THAT COUNTRY WITH POLITICAL SKILLZ. START A COUP! You may be old and peaceful and old, but he has basically handed you that country for the taking, and you are the only one who has lived your life making decisions for yourself. You are the only one who has run a government! NEW USA! NEW USA! NEW USA! MORE »

Prominent theologian Glenn Beck has been busy hanging streamers and making his favorite Metamucil-infused punch in preparation for this weekend’s “Restoring Honor” rally, where he and Ted Nugent will reclaim the civil rights movement from the Ghost of Martin Luther King Jr. and riddle it with bullets. Beck says his festival is going to be “the Woodstock of the next generation,” as well as “the anti-Woodstock.” He’s also calling the event an “American miracle,” which sounds more credible than the Woodstock stuff given Beck’s an expert on religion. Speaking of which, Beck recently said on his teevee program that Obama’s not a muslin after all, but some kind of weirdo outsider Christian. Or maybe not a Christian at all? MORE »

How embarrassing! Rep. John Fleming of Louisiana was having his diaper changed by David Vitter in front of the “Republican Women of Bossier” when he implied that Democrats are all atheists and thus it is impossible to have bipartisanship. “We have two competing world views here and there is no way that we can reach across the aisle — one is going to have to win,” he said. Oh boy, somebody forgot the talking point about how the GZ MOSQUE is literally a knife (thanks Sarah Palin!) that Muslins are stabbing into white people’s necks. Democrats are not atheists, they’re Muslins, ya doofus! MORE »

Official Wonkette Vlogger-er Rep. Michele Bachmann had a big week, what with that sexxxay Jim the Election Guy video and also being newly-crowned as Queen of Constitutional Law. Michele has earned a Vacation Break, which is why she’s wearing her favorite novelty earrings while she stares into your very soul from within this vloggingness. Kick back, grab a cup of Kozy Shack, and get ready to chillax with America’s greatest human. MORE »

Glenn Beck’s potluck BBQ/Glenn Beck fan-fest on the National Mall this Saturday is going to be historical and life-changing and the turning point for America, according to Glenn Beck. Also, there will be miracles from Heaven — “Literally, expect to see miracles. Great, powerful miracles are coming.” But the miracles of the so-called “God” are no match for Beck’s outrageous plan to lure innocent children to his death march and brand their flesh forever. “This will be indelibly marked. It will be marked forever,” Beck told his followers on the radio. “It will be a brand on them.” MORE »

The local police department and a Presbyterian church in Pooler, Georgia, are never-forgetting September 11 this year by co-hosting the Pooler 5K, a race and “Family Fun Mile Run” to benefit the Warriors in Transition unit of injured soldiers at the nearby Ft. Stewart army post. The runner with the fastest time wins a Daniel Defense M4 rifle — which, according to the gun’s official web page, is “built to redefine the benchmark in small arms performance” and offers “out of the box tactical supremacy.” And it’s made in the USA! MORE »

It’s time for another installment of Burn Yer Queeran, where we talk about “Islamophobia, American-style” in bullet-point format. Is everyone psyched to learn about the latest trends in bigotry? Awesome! Let’s proceed, then. MORE »

Rumors about former RNC chair Ken Mehlman’s Complete Gayness have been swirling around for years and years.  Mike Rogers outed him several years back, as part of his campaign to rid the political world of homosexuals who cynically use the rest of the gay community as bait in order to convince rubes, yahoos, bumpkins and other morons to set down the teevee clicker even if it means missing the last five minutes of The 700 Club, in order to go out and vote Republican, due to abject fear of gays.  Mehlman’s sins were particularly egregious, since we are after all talking about the guy who helped run the most anti-gay presidential campaign in history, which gave us Four More Years of the Crawford hick and his handlers, Karl and Dick. MORE »

A Republican former senator from Wyoming totally said “tits” to a lady, in an email! Specifically, Alan “Bartholomew J.” Simpson, who is now the co-chair of the White House’s Commission on Fiscal Reform, called Social Security a “cow with 310 million tits.” HAHAHAHAHH. And now some uptight lame-os want him to resign. But should he? MORE »

• Wingnut anti-Muslim hysteria finally turned violent in New York this week, when a psychopathic rat-eyed 21-year-old blob obsessed with American soldiers and burning with insane hatred for American Muslims repeatedly stabbed a Manhattan taxi driver in the throat with one of those stupid “Leatherman” pocket knives. “I saw so much anger on his face, so much hate,” 43-year-old cabbie Ahmed Sharif said. “I begged him, ‘Please don’t kill me.’ I was thinking about my four kids.” MORE »

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