Wonkette

The Tea Party Patriots have been super-busy lately, emailing about some “WAR” they’re fighting against George Soros and the Obamunists and also traveling to all of Glenn Beck’s Miracle Parties. Participating in these fun activities isn’t free, so the Patriots have been e-soliciting for donations, free lodging, and other goods and services (“private sector welfare”) just to stay alive. “Our destiny is not to fade miserably into the socialist quagmire that has sucked the life and freedom out of so many once vibrant countries and people around the world,” says a recent TPP email. “The destiny of America is to lead the world in freedom, in justice, and in prosperity.” They have a dream! MORE »

Official White House Videographer Arun Chaudhury and I are the Sammi and Ronnie of the Internets. Usually, Arun posts the latest episode of everyone’s most beloved soap opera serial, West Wing Week, at approximately 12:01 a.m. on Friday morning. But lately, he’s been toying with my emotions by posting late and then trying to make amends via Twitter. And now this week, he just puts up a bullshit 35-second “preview?” Not fucking cool, Arun. If you can’t give me what I need, I’ll find a man who can. And this week, that person is Jake “Sudeikis” Tapper. MORE »

Your Wonkette has already told you about Congresscreep Meechellle Backmann’s brand-new campaign commercial starring “Jim the Election Guy,” an android-like EveryBro who talks all dumb-like about Bachmann’s challenger, “Taxin’ Tarryl” Clark, while standing with his legs wide apart the whole time (it’s weird). Now Clark has responded with her own ad, and it’s got not just one but three Jims! They’re not as young and slick as Jim T.E.G., but they have passion and gravitas and supposedly are even registered to vote in Bachmann’s Congressional district. So: If a brawl between Bachmann & Jim and Clark & the Jims took place, which side would win? Answer in the comments. [Tarryl Clark web page]

• Is Jimmy Carter the greatest president in history? Not only did he manage to free captured / arrested / kidnapped / whatever American Aijalon Mahli Gomes, but he also managed to get out of North Korea without having to party with the super-awkward Kim Jong-Il the way Bill Clinton did. Plus, he did not succumb to the temptation to set himself up as North Korea’s new dictator. Does freeing this one American prisoner redeem him for the entire Iranian hostage crisis? Yes, according to people with short attention spans (i.e., everyone in America). MORE »

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Chris Young is a crazy singing Jesus guy who is running for mayor of Providence, Rhode Island and made a gimmicky “marriage proposal” in a debate the other day, as we wrote about yesterday. MSNBC thought this marriage proposal was cute and decided it would make a cute morning interview, but apparently they have not watched the other videos of this guy, so the interview just got weird as Young tried to stick in all his crazy Jesus arguments and made his fiancée read off his list of “talking points” after she messed one of them up. MORE »

Looking for visions of a hellish future where every American has health insurance, gasoline costs ten dollars a gallon, and nature has largely reclaimed the exurbs from the strip malls and McMansions? If so, Universal Coverage by Daniel Putkowski is calling to you! A dystopian novel “in the tradition of 1984 and Animal Farm” (says elitist literary critic Newt Gingrich), Universal Coverage reveals the horrors of socialized medicine through the tale of one man’s quest to find a Boat-Hospital of Freedom to treat his unwell son. Fawning blurbs from Newt, Steve Forbes, and the president of NYU’s College Republicans are plastered on this book like gaudy lipstick on a common street pig, so it has to be good. MORE »

The hardest part of your afternoon editor adjusting to being your afternoon editor has been spelling Michele Bachmann’s name. Surely it should be “Michelle Bachman,” no? But apparently this is a problem for people who actually work for Michele Bachmann too. When they submitted the Federal Election Commission paperwork for her awesome new Michele PAC last month, they mistakenly spelled it “Michelle PAC” and had to correct it later. Which was no problem, because anti-abortion groups still gave it lots of money right away in spite of the misspelling. MORE »

• Barack Obama was cold shoppin’ for seafood and minding his own Martha’s-Vineyard-business when a reporter ambushed him for no reason with insensitive questions about Iraq. Obama responded with the old “We’re Buying [Popcorn] Shrimp, Guys. Come On.” [Daily Intel]
• OH NO: In Philadelphia you need a $300 license to blog and/or write lists for eHow. Time to get a real job! [Matt Yglesias]
• Alaskan moose savant and Sarah Palin protégé Joe Miller needs all of your money so that he forge more ballots than Lisa Murkowski. No time to lose! [RedState]
• David Paterson is hopeful that the recent New York City (it’s a city near Ground Zero) Muslim-Stabbing will help America realize that if Park 51 is constructed so close to Ground Zero even more Muslims will be stabbed, and nobody wants that, per se. [Think Progress]
• The results from the Weekly Standard Cruise 2012 Straw Poll are in, hooray! Bill Kristol voted for himself and tied for last place with one vote and Congressman Paul Ryan secured a staggering 51 votes, which means he is the president for the remainder of the cruise. [Weekly Standard]

According to the The Hotline, anonymous Democratic insiders are saying they think they will hold onto the House this election. According to Politico, anonymous Democratic insiders are saying they do not think they will hold onto the House this election. “[S]senior Democratic strategists say they’re not only likely to keep the House, but they believe the GOP won’t come close to gaining the 39 seats they need to take over.” And also: “Top Democrats are growing markedly more pessimistic about holding the House, privately conceding that the summertime economic and political recovery they were banking on will not likely materialize by Election Day.” Either these Democrats are bipolar, or somebody is bad at journalism. MORE »

Alaska’s First Family, the Palin-Johnstons, are at it again today with the expected news that Bristol Palin will perform on a reality teevee show. Were you hoping for Jersey Shore IV: Wasilla Dumpster Behind the Tattoo Parlor? Patience. For now, it’s Dancing With the Stars, ABC’s inexplicable hit from the 1990s about D-list media losers dancing very badly with professional escorts. Everything about the Palins is simultaneously shocking and totally expected. MORE »

Yes, yes, yes, Washington, DC is very sad because we’re about to be overrun with racist loonies who worship a pudgy weirdo who worships space monsters. But before the crazies shuffle onto their tour buses and make their way into our city’s safest areas, we have local politics to focus upon, namely the election for mayor between Current Mayor Adrian Fenty and DC Council Chairman Vincent Gray. MORE »

MSNBC’s 6 pm host Ed Schultz and his dumb, boring show have never really seemed to fit the cable news network, and today he finds himself in the New York Post for going crazy at MSNBC headquarters at 30 Rockefeller Center a couple weeks back. This story is made all the better by the fact that the New York Post, despite being disgusting and hateful all the time, apparently does not believe in printing swears. “As astonished MSNBC staff members fell silent, Schultz glared around the room and yelled, ‘[Bleep]ers!’” Oh no! Bleepers! Who still uses a “bleeper” these days? It’s 2009! MORE »

Oh, Jimmy Carter is in North Korea right now? That’s funny, because Kim Jong-il is in China with his son. Yeah, hope you enjoy talking to a country full of Kim Jong-il’s servants, peanut man, because ol’ Jong face can’t make it in today. Too busy with his gay life partner China. JIMMY CARTER, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN THAT COUNTRY WITH POLITICAL SKILLZ. START A COUP! You may be old and peaceful and old, but he has basically handed you that country for the taking, and you are the only one who has lived your life making decisions for yourself. You are the only one who has run a government! NEW USA! NEW USA! NEW USA! MORE »

Prominent theologian Glenn Beck has been busy hanging streamers and making his favorite Metamucil-infused punch in preparation for this weekend’s “Restoring Honor” rally, where he and Ted Nugent will reclaim the civil rights movement from the Ghost of Martin Luther King Jr. and riddle it with bullets. Beck says his festival is going to be “the Woodstock of the next generation,” as well as “the anti-Woodstock.” He’s also calling the event an “American miracle,” which sounds more credible than the Woodstock stuff given Beck’s an expert on religion. Speaking of which, Beck recently said on his teevee program that Obama’s not a muslin after all, but some kind of weirdo outsider Christian. Or maybe not a Christian at all? MORE »

How embarrassing! Rep. John Fleming of Louisiana was having his diaper changed by David Vitter in front of the “Republican Women of Bossier” when he implied that Democrats are all atheists and thus it is impossible to have bipartisanship. “We have two competing world views here and there is no way that we can reach across the aisle — one is going to have to win,” he said. Oh boy, somebody forgot the talking point about how the GZ MOSQUE is literally a knife (thanks Sarah Palin!) that Muslins are stabbing into white people’s necks. Democrats are not atheists, they’re Muslins, ya doofus! MORE »