I have yet to watch a single episode of “Glee,” mostly because I was in chorus in high school and I know exactly how fucking lame it really is. Whatever they’re selling in that show, it’s all lies. Nobody in glee club wears PVC boots and rubber underpants. We wear headgear and what’s left of the hot lunch that got dumped in our lap. And occasionally a festive brooch when performing a Christmas melody in the Glendale Mall food court.

Glee star Lea Michelle getting a little S&M-y in next month’s Marie Claire:

For the Avatar loser fan in your life — Na’avi pocket pussies! Not making this up. (ONTD)

Jennifer Love Hewitt’s rape scene is finally here! Maybe I shouldn’t sound so excited about that. (Jezebel)

Snooki is releasing her own romance novel. Because if you’ve seen Jersey Shore, romance is obviously her forte. (National Post)

Miss Italy looks like a pre-plastic surgery version of Megan Fox. (The Dirty)

See the “injury” Carol the Paparazzo received after she was so viciously “mowed down” by Paris Hilton’s boyfriend. (CelebSlam)

Bitchy queen off: Jennifer Lopez and Ryan Seacrest are already engaged in a “diva war.” (Celebitchy)

Megan Fox upskirt. Feels good to get back to basics. (CelebNewsWire)

Despite all the threats from his lawyers, a Tiger Woods sex tape is about to hit the interwebs. (Anything Hollywood)

When Nancy Reagan met Paris Hilton… (Gone Hollywood)

Kellan Lutz goes shirtless, because he knows where his money maker’s at. (Lainey Gossip)

How do you make Tom Cruise look even gayer? A mustache, of course! (Hollywood Rag)

Comedian Greg Giraldo dies after OD-ing on prescription drugs. (Bricks and Stones)

God has finally seen the error of his ways and rendered Khloe Kardashian barren. (popbytes)

You are officially witnessing the death of Heidi Klum’s boobs. (Moe Jackson)

Myleene Klass claims a “married A-lister” tried to get her to sign a sex contract. (Holy Moly)

Whose laugh is more annoying — Seth Rogen’s, or Katherine Heigl’s? (Pajiba)

Resident Jersey Shore douche Mike Sorrentino has a “situation” going on alright, but it’s not his rock-hard abs — it’s his itty-bitty teeny tiny wiener. EDITOR’S NOTE: ha ha ha ha ha! Star Magazine says:

One of his conquests dishes about her not-so-hot night with [the] Jersey Shore star — complete with details about his tiny manbits.

“I wouldn’t even call it a one-night stand, because he only lasted a few minutes,” club promoter Melody Eckerson told Star.

[And as for his penis size?] “Let’s just say, I’m thinking of my pinky.”

This isn’t really news to me, because I already assumed he had a tiny tinkus. Any guy that works out that obsessively is compensating for something, and nine times out of ten it’s the wiener. The other one time is because he’s gay. I’m still on the fence about Pauly D.

Paris Hilton was in the passenger seat of boyfriend Ty Waits’ Bentley when he allegedly ran over one of the paparazzi that swarmed his car outside a Hollywood restaurant last night. Radar Online says:

Video of the incident clearly shows that Waits was behind the wheel of his Bentley when he ran over the leg of a photographer, only identified as ‘Carol’.

The car was surrounded by paparazzi when Waits “gunned” the car and hit the woman, who was knocked to the pavement.

The video shows Waits rolled down his window and asked if the pap was OK, to which another photographer responded, “yes” and told him to go.

Waits and Hilton then left the scene of the accident, but then on the video, you can hear someone yelling, “hit and run… hit and run.”

Police were called to the scene and were later seen questioning Waits, and giving him a field sobriety test.

I hate Paris Hilton as much as the next anonymous blogger, but if you watch the video (here), you’ll see it was clearly the dumbass photographer’s fault. A) She goes into the street and stands IN FRONT OF THE GODDAMN CAR to take her pictures, and B) Paris’ boyfriend waits a good thirty seconds so the paparazzi can get their stupid pictures, then gives a courtesy honk, then revs the engine to indicating his intent to move forward, and only then does he begin to inch forward when fatty collapses to the ground in a heap. At that point, Waits rolls down his window and asks if fatty’s okay (fatty’s already up and walking out of the street — where she shouldn’t have been in the first place, mind you — to go and sit down on the sidewalk) and another paparazzo tells him “oh, she’s fine” and that they should “go ahead and go.” All the moaning and wailing and accusations of hit and run conveniently don’t start until after Paris and Ty pull away. Bottom line: you can’t make yourself the victim and then expect me to feel sorry for you. Rewarding the culture of victimhood is really more of a job for the current administration, anyway.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Acting legend Tony Curtis passed away yesterday at the age of 85, but he didn’t have any sex tapes for sale, so you can understand why I have to devote the rest of this post to Hobgoblin of the Orient Tila Tequila. It’s called “pageviews,” people. It’s not my fault that all you want to look at is smut. TMZ says:

There are two [Tila Tequila sex] tapes, two different partners with two different sexes, and two porn companies bidding for both.

Vivid Entertainment wants both the girl-on-girl and guy-on-girl configurations — but another company has already gotten a hold of one of the tapes and is angling for the second.

A source close to the negotiations tells us it’s an all-out porn war.

Just file that one two under “Sex Tapes Nobody Wants to See,” right next to “Screeched: Saved by the Smell” and footage of Rosie O’Donnell defiling herself with a pork tenderloin.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Brace yourself — the trailer for Spencer Pratt’s first feature film “Tower 69: Malibu Beach Patrol featuring 3D Boobs” is now out. Also out? Any hint of self-respect or anything even the slightest bit funny. And no, I’m not talking about this blog. But thanks for asking, jerks!

Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo might have the physique of a Greek god and the hairlessness of a Taiwanese eunuch, but he just doesn’t do it for me. If I wanted to OD on chlamydia and hair gel, I’d just visit the Jersey Shore. No sense in buying an overpriced watch just so it can burn when I pee.

Terry Richardson works his dirty old man magic on Crystal Renn for Vogue. (Jezebel)

Britney’s finally on Glee!!!! And it’s kinda… meh. (Gawker)

The guy who got in the fight with a senior citizen at the U.S. Open gets arrested for threatening to kill his neighbor. (Busted Coverage)

Emma Watson caught masturbating in class?! (Celeb Jihad)

Naomi Campbell poses in the single most authentic photo shoot she’s ever done in her life — as a Gestapo Angel of Death. (Holy Moly!)

What in the holy hell has Taylor Swift injected into her face? Please don’t say pudding. Please don’t say pudding. (Moe Jackson)

Olivia Munn is see-through! You just have to adjust the lighting and contrast to really get a good look. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

The most boobilicious Katy Perry gif of all time. (Celebrity Odor)

… and the other 14 boobilicious Katy Perry gifs that were the close runner-ups. (COED Magazine)

Michael Bolton publicly demands an apology from one of the judges on DWTS. I guess “I’m sorry you suck so hard” didn’t cut it. (Celebrity Smack)

Michelle Rodriguez doesn’t understand why everybody’s so huffy that she’s having her pictures taken with a swastika. (Celebitchy)

Victoria Justice’s Got Milk? campaign begs the question — Got Boners? (The Blemish)

Britney’s nipples are back! And from the looks of it, they’re very, very sad. (Speed Monkey)

Bai Ling looks… almost normal. Maybe they finally got her meds worked out. (Agent Behead)

The Top Ten Nude Stars for the New Fall 2010 Lineup! Because primetime should be all about your priming your wiener! (Mr. Skin)

The video for Seal’s new single “Secret” from his latest album Seal 6: Commitment was released online today, which features 47-year old Seal in nothing but his $21,500 Parmigiani watch. On the plus side, his supermodel wife Heidi Klum is also naked in the three-minute video. The NY Daily News says:

In the steamy video, the naked couple [caress] one another while frolicking together in bed.

Klum [said] that she and her husband didn’t have to do much acting for the project.

“It’s the story of two people in love,” the 37-year-old model said. “My husband is what I always wanted and never thought I would have.”

The couple also revealed they kept nude photos of themselves in the family bathroom.

“They see their parents naked all the time,” Klum told Us Magazine of her children. “We are not ashamed.”

She might not be ashamed, but I sure as hell was. I haven’t felt that much abject discomfort after seeing something since I was forced to watch Michael Bolton’s jive on Dancing with the Stars. I couldn’t help but squirm all the way through it.

Screen grabs from the video here; watch Bolton shame-ify himself on DWTS after the jump:

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Lindsay Lohan doesn’t just steal fur coats and jewelery — she also steals secret formulas. Like Plankton, except with two eyes. And Hepatitis. Nine MSN says:

The perma-orange star has been charged with stealing a fake tan formula, which was then used in a range she promoted.

“Although I have been a spokesperson for Lorit, LLC, and its Sevin Nyne product, I had no involvement in where or how the Sevin Nyne product is marketed and sold or in the marketing strategy for the product,” [Lohan said in a] statement.

She even tried to get out of it by saying the law in Florida doesn’t apply to her, as she doesn’t actually live there.

“Although I occasionally visit Florida for pleasure, I have never had any acting jobs in Florida,” she said.

In other Lohan news, Lindsay checked herself into an “undisclosed Southern California” rehab facility yesterday. Just like she did in January 2007, when she checked into the Wonderland Center in L.A. for 30 days. Or like she did again in June of that same year. Only it was the Promises Treatment Center in Malibu, and it was for six weeks, not thirty days. Kinda like the stay she did at the Cirque Lodge two months later in Utah. That one was six weeks, too. And the crazy thing is, she just checked herself back into rehab, when technically she’s supposed to have been in rehab at UCLA’s Neuropsychiatric Hospital this whole time! Funny how it all comes full circle, isn’t it?

UPDATE: TMZ is now reporting that the “undisclosed rehab facility” she checked into is actually the famed Betty Ford Clinic in Rancho Mirage, California.

Kim Kardashian posed for a photo shoot with notorious pervert Terry Richardson and posted a couple of the “highlights” on her official blog:

I did a fab photo shoot with the amazing Terry Richardson at Chateau Marmont in LA for the Sunday Times in London.

What do you think of these pics? I’m loving the leopard print and lace!

I’m loving the leopard and lace, too. It’s the “I’m severely constipated and suffering from scoliosis” I’m not so wild about. It looks like she’s posing for one of those colonoscopy pamphlets they hand out at the proctologist’s office.

Just in time for the holidays, teen sensation Justin Bieber is getting his own toy and doll line that will feature “a variety of singing dolls, toys and plush teddy bears” perfect for the preteen or closeted pedophile in your life! The Daily Mail says:

Some of the dolls will include miniature instruments and a themed microphone that can also play 30 second clips of Bieber’s songs Baby or One Less Lonely Girl.

Prices for the dolls, which will be sold in Toys ‘R Us from December 4, will range from $8 for the bears to $28 for the singing figures.

They neglected to mention it in the PR release, but the doll is actually a life-size replica! Being leprechaun-sized to begin with really lends itself well to the doll-making industry.