Sarah Palin gave an interview to something called “Zap2it,” and it turns out she is very proud of Bristol for dancing with the gays on some teevee show. “This is so Bristol, challenging herself, getting out of her comfort zone,” Sarah said, referring to Bristol’s propensity to “try anything once,” even if she’s not using proper protection. Here’s another big revelation: Bristol “relates to” Florence Henderson “more than anybody else” because they are both 9,000 years old in terms of their outlook on life. But more importantly, Todd just wants everybody to know that, while he supports his daughter, Dancing with the Stars totally asked him to be on that show first. READ MORE »
Samuel Alito is never going to a State of the Union address ever again, because he found out people don’t like it when Supreme Court justices disagree outwardly with stuff the president says, like he did at the last one. Alito does not want to sit there “like the proverbial potted plant,” he said, because how fair is it when only the one guy delivering a speech is allowed to talk during the speech? Alito and Joe Wilson should get to shout out racial epithets at Obama or perform scenes from A Streetcar Named Desire during the State of the Union if they want to. They are just as important as that guy. READ MORE »
What’s the New World Order/Nobama got in store for the Teabaggers on Election Night? Nothing but pain, if these leaked Election 2010 results are to be trusted — and they are “not to be published or broadcast” until the Powers That Be are ready to announce Permanent Halloween for America’s tightly-wound white people. So many important Republican/Teabaggers are losing, with 40% reporting or whatever! Carly Fiorina, John McCain, Richard Shelby, Ken Buck, Christine O’Donnell, Mark Kirk, David Vitter, Sharron Angle, Tom Coburn, even Chuck Grassley … all losers! CONCEDE YOU IDIOT LOSERS, the Associated Press is calling it! And in the biggest upset of the election, Alvin Greene has soundly beaten Jim DeMint, 45%-40%. YES HE CAN! READ MORE »
America’s conscience, the Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen, has discovered a bright new light on his teevee screen! Let’s see, is there some vapid, invented political-media personality from 2008 that might impress this confused oldster as he navigates the complexities of a post-9/11 cable remote? Does she have literally nothing to do with politics and zero standing in the party she claims to be tangentially connected to? This is a … a … YOUTH TREND! READ MORE »
Jonah Goldberg gathered together his crew of conservative nerds on Book TV a couple weeks back to talk about his dumb new book, to which they all contributed. They are the next generation of conservatives, these hip 42-year-olds with elf voices. Everything was going just fine until one elf, Todd Seavey, started alluding to his lengthy bf-gf relationship with the elf sitting next to him, Helen Rittelmeyer. “It might come as a surprise to some of you that we dated for two years, not just because we have ideological differences, but because there are probably some people in this room who also dated Helen during those two years,” said Seavey in the only YouTube video featuring him other human beings will ever watch. This all made Jonah very uncomfortable/horny. READ MORE »
America’s epidemic of Satan-worshiping Republican witch-monsters is alarming our allies from Paris to Riyadh, according to this Google News alert. Why is Christine O’Donnell trying to bomb Paris with Meghan McCain? Can NATO air defenses hit a demon on a broomstick at 45,000 feet? Can the Eiffel Tower Mosque survive a direct hit by Meghan McCain from that distance? Why does David Cameron simply sit with his thumbs up his bum while our interests are threatened in such a hideous, occult manner?
Why would anyone put Sharron Angle before a group of Hispanic high-school students? Just so she would say something offensive? Yeah, probably. “So that’s what we want is a secure and sovereign nation and, you know, I don’t know that all of you are Latino. Some of you look a little more Asian to me. I don’t know that,” Sharron Angle said, like a smart person. She also said she was “not sure” whether the scary Mexican-looking men in her illegal-immigration ad were Hispanic. This is all okay, because Sharron Angle cannot see color, because she is basically a minority herself: “I’ve been called the first Asian legislator in our Nevada State Assembly.” READ MORE »
With the blue-dog days of summer finally behind us, it’s time for a look back: Remember those sun-drenched days of partying on the beach with Nancy Pelosi and her Bilderberg friends? Neither do we, as we were too busy getting high and drawing Ayn Rand cartoons. Graciously, some Pixar cartoon fetishist has recreated this forgotten fever dream: a music video for the original song, “Recovery Summer,” featuring big-headed nightmare-versions of all your favorite political hacks including Harry Reid, David Axelrod, and Robert Gibbs (topless!) Are you brave enough to witness such a spectacle? READ MORE »
There was a time, probably, when a New Yorker journalistic profile was a very interesting thing to read. Maybe the noted figures of politics or media or sport were just a lot more interesting themselves, in the vague “sometime in the past” era we vaguely recall? Maybe the New Yorker writers were better? Whatever the case, the modern day profile in the esteemed magazine is guaranteed to be dull and just make us sad about the banal horror of Modern American Life. Harry Reid, it would be fun to learn a lot about him, right? No? Well let’s do the profile anyway, something’s got to go between “Talk of the Town” and the cat/psychiatrist cartoons. READ MORE »
It used to be that every time you turned on the sports, President Obama would be there, talking about how much he likes the sports. It was all very confusing! Like, you would be watching a baseball game, and all of a sudden the president was in the booth talking about this baseball game, and all you could think was, “That’s nice, but don’t you have something more presidenty to do?” But the sports have kicked the president out of them, apparently, because Barack Obama is now forced to appear on shows even farther down the teevee dial. Yes, the leader of the free world is going to be on that MythBusters show you sometimes watch when you are stoned. READ MORE »
Besides Bride Wars, Junkyard Wars and Star Wars, my favorite military engagements are burger wars. Lucky for me, and unlucky for dignity, there are actual adults currently waging a burger war in the heart of Dupont Circle, a really sort of fine part of town that idiot teabaggers call a “gay area.” Lawyers are mad at some burger joint and the burger joint people are all, “Screw you, stupid lawyers” — meaning, they lost to the law firm. I am an unpatriotic vegetarian, so it is educational to watch people get angry about the ground-meat sandwiches! READ MORE »
Our sassy FLOTUS stirred up some controversy last week when she stopped on the South Side of Chicago to cast an early vote, and then whispered to a bunch of people that they better vote Democrat, or else. This made some people angry, because they thought maybe it violated an Illinois state law (or not),) and also because everyone knows that Michelle Obama can, with her words and her giant accessories, force Americans to do all sorts of things they would otherwise avoid, like voting a certain way, or exercising. She has super powers, our FLOTUS, and she used them just a few days prior to the voting non-incident to freak out a bunch of strangers. READ MORE »
Dear Liberal Alaska Media: Joe Miller was not flirting with you when he said “I will not answer anymore questions about myself or my campaign, get bent.” Sure, you might have been confused because isn’t Joe Miller running for United States Senate? Maybe. Or maybe you should mind your own business? Either way, Joe Miller will arrest you. Joe Miller is a lawyer, so he knows there is plentiful legal precedent for handcuffing people who ask you questions. “Questions” is actually one of the grievances in the Declaration of Independence. (“We’re tired of King George’s constant questions. Next time he opens his trap, Ben Franklin is gonna handcuff your dumb Limey king to a kite, and then let him float around in a lightning storm.”) Um, Joe Miller should probably stop arresting people and just say “no comment.” READ MORE »
- Legitimate heir to the rEVOLution Rand Paul exchanged heated words last night with Jack Conway, who has a big head and likes to read. Everyone was excited to hear these two men talk about the issues — whose father knows the most about gold/is the coolest? — but that’s not what Rand wanted to talk about, no sir. Instead, Rand spent half the debate yelling at Conway for making fun of his secretive religion, Aqua Buddhism. It is true that during his college years Rand Paul would occasionally attend Aqua Church at the bottom of the ocean, but everyone does that kind of stuff in college. Besides, Rand doesn’t even practice Aqua Buddhism anymore, although sometimes he does give up Medicare for Aqua Lent. Why does Jack Conway hate religious tolerance? [AP] READ MORE »
It’s your fun vice president, Joe Biden! Why won’t he get into the SUV-limousine thing like his security team keeps telling him? Because this is Wilmington, and Joe Biden knows every single person in town, so he keeps jabbering to everybody (endangering America). READ MORE »
Here’s America’s beloved first lady Michelle Obama, who is apparently so popular that she was slammed by both the Drudge Report and shameless convention-center clown Sarah Palin within the same 24 hour period. So what’s she telling this Army Man/”Naval lieutenant commander,” how to vote in November if he doesn’t want to be transferred to Siberia? READ MORE »
- If only we had done our job fighting the Soviets in the 1980s, like Christine O’Donnell wanted, we might not be in this Muslim-mess.
- The much-anticipated sequel to Who’s Nailin’ Palin, TLC’s Sarah Palin’s Alaska got a steamy new trailer.
- Carl Paladino did what all true and righteous men do in trying times: Blame the Jews.
- Christine O’Donnell made loud sex noises with her Christian rocker boyfriend, Mister Puddingcup.
- Thanks to an extended heartfelt feud with the Ayn Rand slash-zine “Hit & Run,” the stolen Jesus babe was returned to His motherland, by the government.
- The Washington Post editorial section continued its wet-and-wild slide into the hate-speech propaganda machine it has always longed to be.
- Nazi Halloween came a little too early for one Young Gun Conservative.
