Charles Krauthammer has known his share of neurologists, and he is certain this Obama fellow is not one of them. Obama thinks the country is not listening to reason in its brain right now, Krauthammer says, because the people are scared. But Krauthammer knows this is a bunch of crap. Who in America is scared? Have you seen the Teabaggers? They are certainly not afraid of anything. Krauthammer has a better explanation, he says, because apparently he is the licensed brain doctor. Americans are all conservative, even though Obama thinks some of them aren’t! And also this: “The peasants have seen the future — Greece and France — and concluded that it does not work.” Krauthammer will now lead us in singing some selections from Les Miserables. READ MORE »
This video was e-mailed to us by a frightened child calling herself “Halina Bennet.” She told us she and her siblings put this video together exposing the cruel child-labor practices Sen. Michael Bennet has forced upon them in his campaign. Shameful. READ MORE »
Some of you sheeple are probably voting for the candidates with the best “ideas” in November, which is embarrassing and ignorant. Real Americans vote for the political hack with the most money to spend on slanderous teevee ads and racist billboards. This is how proper Democracy works, so please stop with the sniveling. But if you are bored: Google “November 2010 Elections” and the first ten thousand results will be “Illuminati spends $100 trillion dollars on attack ads against Democrats, DNC sobs quietly in a corner.” (And then if you click on the Google Images button, you will see pictures of Karl Rove and the US Chamber of Commerce spanking each other wildly.) The Democrats know there is no way they will ever match all this probably illegal money, so what is the only other option? Inspire an army of illegal immigrants to do manual campaign labor! Yes. Democrats like Senator Patty Murray (WA) have brainwashed dozens of illegal immigrants, and now these illegals are going door-to-door, scaring the good people of Washington State. READ MORE »
“You must weigh in on this whole IPHONE BABY thing, as I know in my heart that you’ve read all this stuff, and have Concerns (or No Concerns),” wrote Editor Ken, which was completely untrue: Your former morning editor had not read this thing, because she was too busy looking after an actual baby. READ MORE »
Oh, fiddlesticks, what have the Democrats gotten themselves into this time? That’s okay, Bill Clinton will squiggle out of the seaweed cocoon he keeps himself in and come to save them. Did anyone ask him to do this? Well, no, apparently Bill Clinton will just call you up and let you know he is here to rescue you and will show up to have a huge rally with you. Bill Clinton, you see, has a lot of ideas about what the Democratic Party’s message should be, and he’s going to tell it to the people of this country because he is convinced they all want to have sex with him. It’s funny, though, that so many of his chosen candidates lose! Such as his wife, in his last major campaign push! Or, soon, Kendrick Meek, for whom Clinton has appeared “more than a half-dozen” times. Or, say, Gavin Newsom, who is pictured next to Clinton for this article as the old president does his best “I feel so good being your God!” pose. READ MORE »
Alaskan Senate hopeful and semi-bearded teabagger Joe Miller literally ran away from a question about his disabled-veteran status during last night’s “Meet and Greet” session in Anchorage. In a roomful of 50 people — most supporters and well wishers — Miller was asked to identify his service-connected disability and his official “percentage disabled.” Panic swept over Miller’s sweaty face. READ MORE »
Lillian McEwen used to date Clarence Thomas (EWW!), but according to the Washington Post, she didn’t get the chance to testify at his confirmation hearings even though he never raped her. She is now “breaking her silence,” however, because she is “shopping to publishers” a memoir heard about that weird thing his wife did to Anita Hill. Anyway, McEwen was a work colleague in addition to dating him, and she says he was “obsessed with porn” (did he have an early copy of the Internet?) and liked “large breasts.” Does Clarence Thomas also like ladies who write memoirs about him? Because this lady is siiiiiiingle! (EWW!) READ MORE »
Hello Wonkette readers! Your Comics Curmudgeon has had a good time also being your sometime morning editor, this year! But just as a “Realdoll” is not a substitute for human companionship, even the most personally fulfilling blogging gig is not a substitute for subsidized dental care. READ MORE »
Our former colonial masters, the British, used to be renowned for their terrifying navy, which would obliterate rival fleets and bombard barbarian cities from the sea in order to pave the way for colonial conquest. Unfortunately, the Brits are stone cold broke now, having spent all their Pounds Sterling on booze, and so their navy sucks. CASE IN POINT: the HMS Astute, a fancy new submarine that is supposed to be invisible to sonar because of fancy British technology, not-so-astutely got itself stuck in the mud off the coast of Scotland. Is there video? Oh, you bet there’s video. Was this video shot by someone who works for some kind of otter rescue group? BELIEVE IT. READ MORE »
For the last two years the Republicans have been a wee bit obstructionist in the legislative department! Fortunately they are a minority in both houses of Congress, so the only result of this obstructionism has been the blockage of most of the Democratic agenda and the permanent poisoning of the political culture in Washington. What will happen if they actually control Congress? Will the GOP legislators and the administration come together, figure out what they can both agree on, and compromise for the good of the nation? Or will it be a profound clusterfuck that will make the last two years look like a pleasant dinner party? Let’s ask Ken Buck! READ MORE »
When all the Racist Stasi Animal Pornographers put America on a meat hook and then butt-paddle us to death in November, smart teevee pundits like Juan Williams will ask rhetorically, “Why didn’t David Duke run for Senate, again? He totally would have won this time, and also America would feel a lot safer if it was on a plane with David Duke’s white heritage.” Well, there’s always Palin/Duke 2012! In the meantime, David Duke made a YouTube video for America, because he wants you to know that the Tea Party is white, but … Ha ha, there is no “but.” The Tea Party is white, hooray! Obviously it could be a bit more white — everything could be more white, in an ideal world — and also: “Jews, the Jewish media, Blacks, Mexicans, Thomas Jefferson, apes, Pakistani freaks, Jewish media freaks, Jews, Jews and Jews.” Visit DavidDuke.edu and check his sources! READ MORE »
So we don’t know if you heard but it sounds like the midterm elections might not go so well, for the Democrats! Naturally this is of some concern to Barack Obama, who barely was able to pass any good laws despite controlling an overwhelming congressional majority, so who knows how he’s going to deal with a Republican congress. He could try helping his party win by the traditional methods — “campaigning,” “being popular,” etc. — but remember, Barack Obama came to Washington to change the tone there, to really shake things up, so obviously he’s going to blaze a new path. What will the Democrats’ “October Surprise” be? Will Barack Obama extract a promise from Steve Jobs that every American voter will receive a free iPad? Maybe! READ MORE »
Oh, hello there, filthy Wonkette freaklings. I didn’t know today was the Skank Parade! Aren’t you cute, with your sallow whorefaces and your characteristic odor of rot? I suppose you’ve come to this space in search of your weekly dose of breathless celebrity reportage about a man who is greater in body, mind and spirit than you can even contemplate. Well, ye shall have it, though ye deserveth it not. It’s time for another edition of “Barry, Can You Hear Me?” As usual, we’ll rely on White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary’s Frederick Wiseman-esque groundbreaking documentary series, “West Wing Week,” to guide our journey. READ MORE »
Because all Republican rhetoric is about how the ELITE represses the PEOPLE and we should always side with the PEOPLE against the ELITE and their SINISTER GOVERNMENT, you might think that America’s actual economic elite would be opposed to Republican policies. You would be wrong, though! For instance, over the course of this cycle rich dude Bob Perry has spread a cool $11 million around among Karl Rove’s American Crossroads election cabal and the Republican Governors Association. Also, radical outsider Tea Party candidates are getting campaign money from rich Wall Street fat cats, via John Boehner! READ MORE »
HO HO HO, HEE HEE HEE, what is ZEES?! Zey are still rioting, in la FRANCE?! Sacre bleu and mon dieu, whatever is ze guillotineingest nation in all ze world to do? Shall zey take away ze baguettes? Shall zey deport all ze Jews? This nation of fucking pussies, which once slaughtered its finest bewigged elite and called this murderous rampage a victory for democracy, cannot handle that its unwashed masses are on strike. The best part, of course, is the reason they are rioting: proposed changes to retirement plans fueled by milk suckled from the government teat. These lazy fucks are incensed over a proposal to change the minimum retirement age from 60 to 62. Sixty nique-ta-mereing two! President Nicholas Sarkozy took a break from banging the shit out of a fabulous aging supermodel/chanteuse in order to say big-boy words to his seething country of sloths. READ MORE »
Sharron Angle’s not the only one who looks Asian. According to the DSCC, Pennsylvania Sleestak character’s opponent Pat Toomey is a no-good red Chinaman because he supports free trade practices. Was a country of 1.3 billion people just reduced to a gong sound effect, the color red, and a picture of a fortune cookie? Yes, it was. This is an ad from the “progressive” political party, by the way. READ MORE »
A very kind, smart, attractive young woman I know took grave exception with my denunciation of those medallion shoes all the District’s WASPy women seem to fancy. While willing to admit that perhaps they were, indeed, crap shoes, she was angry that I’d not leveled a similar attack on the preferred footwear of DC men. I’d never particularly noticed the footwear of DC men, but she was right! READ MORE »
