Ah yes, in the epic battle of Fearful Podunk Nevada White v. Scary Mexicans On Security Tape In Gang Clothing, Harry Reid has joined up with the latter. And yet, Harry Reid looks like a normal white person? And yet he has not defunded these important green security cameras that are keeping our borders safe? But he HAS ALSO funded voyeur cameras watching our children at school? This ad raises many questions that can only be answered by looking at certain frames of this video. READ MORE »
That guy who smashed some MoveOn lady’s head with his foot is “sorry that it came to that” and says he apologizes “if it appeared overly forceful.” Oh yes, it may have appeared that way, but this is actually the way Kentucky gentlemen greet members of the opposite sex. It’s a cultural thing you don’t understand, but this man was forced to get that girl on the ground and stomp on her, out of custom and out of his undying love for America’s most important uncertified ophthalmologist. “I was concerned about Rand’s safety,” Tim Profitt said. Awwww! Nobody puts Rand in a corner! How sweet! Also, it turns out this guy is actually Rand’s “Bourbon County coordinator” and now “is currently being served with a criminal summons ordering him to appear before a Fayette County District Court Judge.” So the two of them can chuckle about this over mint juleps. READ MORE »
Let’s check in with our California Bureau to see what’s going on with all the hawt governor races and Senate races and the Marijuana Legalize It law and other such concerns in the world’s fifth sixth seventh ninth tenth biggest failed economy. First, the Republican lady who destroyed so many lives in California, Carly Fiorina, is in the Hospital! She has some scary infection related to her cancer surgery. It would be a shame if this is what makes her lose to Barbara Boxer, because Fiorina is such a vapid mean-girl dolt that it’s basically unfair to Breast Cancer if her Poor Health trumps the many other reasons she is completely unqualified to serve in the Senate. Also, Meg Whitman accidentally and hilariously made a commercial endorsing Jerry Brown for governor! READ MORE »
What is it with this strange phenomenon of Teabagger candidates saying the separation of church and state is not covered in the First Amendment? According to Buck, the Constitution says the government cannot “sanction” a religion, but that doesn’t mean church and state have to be “separate.” Huh? Do you really want Kenyan King Obama installed as the official but “non-sanctioning” head of America’s Official Church of Ken Buck’s Particular Sect of Christianity? READ MORE »
Guess who’s tired and depressed? White House press secretary Robert Gibbs! But is it completely his fault that the Democrats may lose their congressional majority next week? Maybe! After all, he kind of looks like a gas station attendant, which is a job that does not exist, and also a hired assassin. This is according to Robert Draper, the journalist, who wrote this about Gibbs: “The smile, affable and empty, could be that of a small-town gas-station attendant or a hired assassin.” But are Gibbs and Obama gay with each other? READ MORE »
Richard Cohen has heard about all of this Clarence Thomas stuff in his newspaper and is absolutely “mortified.” How could they print something a powerless lady said about a powerful Supreme Court justice? “In elementary school, some kid must have plastered a ‘kick me!’ sign on Clarence Thomas’s back — and it has never been taken off. Every 20 years or so, some woman surfaces to accuse the now-Supreme Court justice of being a male chauvinist pig — to resurrect an old term from the tie-dyed era — but falls frustratingly short of making a case for true sexual harassment.” Cohen can objectively say that this is not evidence that Clarence Thomas maybe was a sexual harasser — it’s evidence that women are mean and like to tell stories about sexual harassment all the time, all of which are basically always false. Oh, but wait a second, didn’t a woman once accuse Cohen of sexual harassment? READ MORE »
Oh noes, perhaps you realize that the midterm elections are, oh, a week away and that the results aren’t looking so great for the Democrats. But this isn’t about America! This is about DC! America is full of fat slobs who like God and the missionary position, but DC is full of people whose eating and living habits are profiled in the New York Times. In the two years since Obama took office, the District has quadrupled the number of hamburger, pizza, and do-it-yourself frozen yogurt restaurants. But if Republicans win big next week, our liberal paradise of barbecued pig, gourmet cupcakes, Korean tacos, and lobster rolls is in grave danger. READ MORE »
As soon as we see a black person in a position of power, we all immediately turn to utter a racial slur about this person, right? You guys know what we’re talking about! Black people are scary! YET, RedState has apparently had to go years without saying such a thing towards the president of the United States, who is a black guy. That is a very impressive amount of willpower for people who hold racism so dear! RedState definitely deserves a Medal of Honor for this (as long as that black guy doesn’t get his grubby socialist fingers all over it). However, RedState blogger Dave Poff has determined that Obama recently said a racial slur himself, so now all the RedStaters are Free At Last to type racial slurs about Obama on the Internet. Hooray! READ MORE »
Why did your Wonkette attend the National Italian American Foundation’s 35th Pasta Gala last Saturday? Honestly, all we wanted was a photograph of Yogi Berra that we could give to our grandparents. Did Yogi Berra even show up, though? Of course not, so we had to hang out with Scalia and his saggy neck fat instead. It wasn’t all bad, though: We got to sing songs with him! Videographer Extraordinaire Liz Glover has put together a fun sing-along movie for you to watch. It’s mostly just Antonin Scalia singing his favorite tune from The Godfather: Part II soundtrack, but there is also a wonderful clip of your Riley Waggaman running up to Scalia and saying, “It’s very nice to meet you, Mr. Alito,” and then shaking his hand. Someone had been drinking that night! READ MORE »
Oh no, another Rand Paul scandal involving a lady and Aqua Buddha! This just seems careless: A woman from MoveOn approached Rand Paul before a debate and tried to give him a piece of paper, which symbolized Rand Paul’s cronyism or something. (Or maybe she wanted an autograph?) It doesn’t even matter, because Rand Paul’s loyal band of Aqua Buddhist monks surrounded this lady, threw her on the ground and stomped on her head. That’s not how you treat a lady! Aqua Buddha taught his disciples that ladies should always be tied up, dragged into the woods and then forced to smoke “the weed.” Aqua Buddha does not like it when his followers Square Dance on human heads. That is not what He teaches. Oh well. Let’s watch the video and then pretend to be surprised! READ MORE »
- The United States is experiencing a corruption renaissance, according to the Global Corruption Index! We are now ranked at 19th, which is the lowest score awarded to the United States in the index’s 15-year history. Apparently “lending practices in the subprime crisis, the disclosure of Bernard Madoff’s Ponzi scheme and rows over political funding had all rattled public faith about prevailing ethics in America.” And they said we couldn’t do it! (Well fuck them, whoever they are.) Are you blowing as hard as you can on your Vuvuzela as you read this? If not, why not? It’s party time, people. Responsible/lame people might say, “Party time? But we are all sad and worried.” That didn’t stop the rich people on the Titanic from drinking champagne and using poor people as lifeboats. Just sayin’. [Reuters] READ MORE »
Will you be “in town” this weekend, maybe on Friday night? Well then you are invited to Wonkette’s first annual Halloweenie Whore Benefit, which is actually just a bar night we’re throwing together — and there is a Costume Party, too, so all you ladies have another chance to wear that “Christine O’Donnell Witch on a Flying Vibrator” costume you just can’t seem to take off. And guys, you have another chance to wear some awkward thing nobody really gets, or just go in normal clothes and claim to be “the guy who used to be in Pavement.” (Haha, when did anybody ever think that was funny?) Anyway, 6 o’clock on Friday, at the “Big Hunt” in Dupont Circle. Wonkette will be in the “Devil’s Kitchen,” haha, for Satan. READ MORE »
Republican congressional candidate Sean Bielat has a simple logic problem for you here: If men shorter than 5’2″ can’t serve in military combat, why should gays get to? “I don’t see anybody protesting. Where are the people standing in front of the White House, the short guys standing in front of the White House? You don’t see it,” Bielat said, apparently unaware of the birther rally that was on the Mall this past weekend. This is the man who is running against Barney Frank. What ever happened to the LaRouchie who was running against Frank and called Obama a Nazi? That lady seems like a sober arbiter of political facts now. But never mind, some people are actually saying Bielat could win this. READ MORE »
Michelle was up to her usual hijinx last week, sending out e-mails reminding America to vote in that upcoming election thing, taking another busload of children around the White House vegetable garden, and wearing nice clothes. Apparently, that last thing is very important to some people at the Harvard Business Review, who decided to write some hoity-toity nerd-speak about our FLOTUS’ effect on stock prices and market variations and blah blah blah. At least they also drew pictures, to demonstrate how anything our FLOTUS wears instantly turns to gold. READ MORE »
We remember it like it was yesterday, but actually it was 9/12: Your part-time morning editor was walking dejectedly through a Tea Bagger field, and then Andrew Breitbart appeared from the mist in a gorgeous Victorian gown and drunkenly groped us for what seemed like “too long.” It was such a special, Charlotte Bronte moment. Obviously the entire world saw this embrace, on C-SPAN radio, and then the “when is the wedding?” emails started pouring in. But some liberals protesting last month’s Right Nation picnic were asking different questions, questions like “Andrew Breitbart’s gay!” Andrew Breitbart says this is hate speech, and adamantly denies his boy-touching tendencies. And after doing lots of serious journalism, Breitbart has finally identified his accuser! (Hint: She’s a Democrat.) Andrew Breitbart might not be gay, but he’s certainly something. In these modern times there are so many different genders and sexualities. Andrew’s gender is probably “Into Ladies, But When Drunk Likes Touching Boys.” Oh Breitbart, isn’t it time you contacted your local LGBTBBQ (sp?) Pride chapter? READ MORE »
What an inspiring speech! There’s birther Phil Berg, leader of this rally, hacking up phlegm and relaying the laundry list of “proof” we all know now by heart that the president was not born in the United States. As Dave Weigel notes, there were “dozens of people” at this thing! That is a really big rally! Actually, Weigel has been the only journalist to cover this event at all, which is a real shame, because pretty soon that fat guy in the back with the Captain America hoodie is going to discover the “smoking gun” of the field of Obama-birth-certificate science, and everyone in the media is going to be really embarrassed for stopping their breathless coverage of these cretins so early in the game. READ MORE »
Words of So Hateful Tone: ‘You Talking About Kill and Insults?’
by Ken Layne