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About five years ago this June a friend of mine basically drank himself to death. He was prone to drinking binges so bad he would be locked up in his house for several days at a time. During those periods he would claim he was catching up on his sleep and that he was going through his Orlando phase again. Many of us were fooled for many years by his clever deceits.

He wouldn’t or couldn’t stop those binges and one day he drank too much. Before that point several discrete groups of his friends and family had approached him at various times to try to help. Each time he would weave a story for the others about how they had gone crazy and how they were after him. He told us the same story about his family until we figured things out and tried to help him too. But then we became the crazy people out to get him.

By the end he had alienated almost everyone in his formerly rich social circles. He sacrificed nearly all of his relationships to maintain the illusion that he wasn’t drinking. At his funeral we all traded stories and filled in the gaps in his stories about us told to other people. Once all his different circles of friends were finally together in one place at his funeral, we were all finally able to add up what had confused us about each other over the years. At one point or another each of us had ceased to be fooled by his stories and cover-ups, and nearly all of us had tried to help in different ways and had failed, each ultimately painted as a villian in his stories.

When you try to intervene and the person with the addiction resists, the line between death by overindulging and suicide becomes hazy. Did he kill himself with alcohol on purpose? Couldn’t he have helped himself? Did I do enough to prevent him from dying?

Either way, a death like that leaves behind a tremendous wake of guilt. Every person who had tried to help wondered if they had done enough. Eventually I rationalized I had indeed tried as much as I could, and I hope others feel the same today for their sake. I believe it is up to the addict to make the final decision to stop. From what I saw I don’t think you can force a person to stop abusing whatever they’re using. They have to choose to stop themselves.

I suppose you could physically restrain a person but how long can you keep that up? You can watch them like a hawk but eventually you have to attend to your own business. And people are clever and will find a way to do what they have to do when you look away. Mourning for a proper period of time is good for you, but in a situation where an addict uses to death and you tried to intervene, you can’t beat yourself down with guilt forever.

Why yes Mr. James van der Douche, you had me with that little arc of your dark, full eyebrow and your DILFy good looks these days. I never was a fan when he was on Dawson’s Creek but it’s amazing what a good 5-10 years will do for a guy’s hot Daddyliciousness.

In other music video news: it’s time that I tap from your mana pool – cuz “Tonight I’m Frakkin’ You.” Interesting, there’s an actual Mana Pools National Park in Africa.

Happy news: Louie the pig who thinks he’s a dog qualifies for canine agility competitions (with cute photos).

What if Damien grew up in P.G. County? “Da Omen.”

I’m going to check out this travelogue, “Moby-Duck” about the long voyage of some bath toys in the Pacific. And possibly also read about the dude from rural Texas who did the artwork for many Robert E. Howard novels, which included the Conan series.

I wasn’t so keen on Christian Bale’s big auburn beard at the Oscars last night. Maybe your beard won’t get my attention when you’re a dick.

Yes, I’ve been remiss on beard updates here lately, so here’s a collection of several months’ worth of beardy and woofy news and links:

• The Australian psychological thriller Animal Kingdom didn’t get any Oscar nods but should have won like Best Facial Hair by actors Joel Edgerton and Sullivan Stapleton. (John corrects me: “One Oscar nod, but no win for Animal Kingdom – Jackie Weaver for actress in supporting role.”)
• Have I mentioned Scott Caan?
• Canadian singer/songwriter Dan Mangan, “Sold.”
• Awesome vintage beard.
• Convicted animal rights activist Darius Fullmer has a nice beard.
• Now just because they’re hairy doesn’t mean they’re moobs – gossip columnists are so mean. I say more power to Cougar Katie Couric: you go gurl with your younger monkey boy!
• So that dude Aidan Turner (NSFW) who plays the vampire in the U.K. version of Being Human is going to play one of the dwarves in The Hobbit. In this case he looks more like a werewoof than some smooth undead twink.
• Paul Rudd grew his beard back, while the Steelers’ Brett Keisel shaved his off for charity. Meanwhile, Jacob is documenting his beard growth

Actual chat transcript from the other day on Encountr, the ghetto Droid version of the iPhone’s Grindr application. Some closeted douchebag with no face pic is trying to chat with me:

Him: cute pic! plz excuse my pix. I’m not a skank just dont want everyone to know who I am
Me: …
Him: anyways what’s good with u
Me: …
Him: hey
Me: …
Him: sup, nice pic. where are u located*
Me: There’s nothing skanky about showing your face. Be a brave man and show your face.
Him: its about my work

*My location is stated on my profile. Again, please read beyond the first sentence of shit I write, thanks.

What about your work? You’re a hairdresser and DADT is repealed! I’m 40 now so I can officially say I’m too old for bullshit like this. My gay former roomate who served in the Army had a goddamn face pic for chrissake and that was before DADT was repealed. Yeah, there’s risk, but mostly it’s a case of you being a pansy-ass closet case.

I’ve noticed of all the gay guys’ online profiles in all the cities I’ve visited, DC boys often have the most faceless and least descriptive profiles. Bitch please, you run photocopies as a clerk in a law firm. Get over yourself and show your goddamn face on your profile.

Anyway, the Scruff app has been nice for fishing, but it’s also a huge cocktease. So many hot scruffy guys show up on the radomized opening page, but they are always so far away. Locally, Scruff seems to be very popular with partnered guys. I’m OK with that and have been known to go there, but you partnered guys gotta disclose that teensy little detail about your life. Yes I will still talk to you if I know you’re partnered but don’t be shady about your partnered status. I can tell when you’re being shady and it’s not attractive.

I can’t complain for lack of nice dates with attractive men lately, but a big problem with people in DC is everyone is so fucking busy. It’s a city comprised of former class presidents and overachievers who like to keep their schedules full. With one guy I actually had to schedule the date two weeks in advance. That didn’t last long. I’m not the most spontaneous guy myself, but two weeks? Really? Either that or they have to leave to go to practice, class, recital, training or whatever after their 45 minutes of free time is up. No time for making out. How sad.

People are cranky in DC because they’re too busy and aren’t taking enough time to get laid. That’s my observation.

BrettCajun went to see Robyn live in concert the other day at my advice, but sadly he spent the entire time staring into his Precious iPhone rather than dancing on his own. How sad. Here’s the text chat transcript:

Brett: “OMG JIMBO! SKWEEE! OMG I’M AT THE ROBYN CONCERT IN HOUSTON!!!”
Jimbo: “That’s great! Has it started yet?”
Brett: “OMG gurrrrl she just started, here’s a photo…”
Droid: Downloading Image. 1.2MB of 4.7MB.

Several minutes later I get a low-rez fuzzy photo of a lens flare (at right), and Brett texts again.

Brett: “OMG I AM SO DRUNK! SKWEEEE! Let me send you another video…”
Jimbo: “No. Please. That’s all right. You should be enjoying the show…”
Droid: Downloading Video. 3.3GB of 18.0GB. Please hold.
Brett: “OMG GURRRL she’s playing ‘Time Machine’!!! It’s my favorite!!!”
Jimbo: “I love Time Machine too. That’s great. Now put away your device and enjoy the show!”

Robyn was probably pissed off at Brett too. I’ll bet Robyn gets annoyed that nobody actually watches her anymore except through a lens or electronic device. Brett eventually sent me at least 8 gigantic files, most of which were indistinct moving images of something with a sound quality like VHF Channel 12 at 3am. Each of the files he sent was over 3GB in file size and my Droid eventually crashed and the battery melted.

I’ll bet Brett was on also on Grindr the whole time too.

TJ says it’s dangerous to check-in, tweet or blog about where you are going to travel, so I couldn’t mention beforehand that I was going to Portland, Oregon. Here on the east coast I always have to follow the word “Portland” with “Oregon” because people always assume “Maine.” But that’s TJs territory and I don’t go there. TJ is fine by the way, and has nearly completed pon farr with his cat. No one in DC sees him outside anymore. It’s his birthday today by the way and he’s celebrating in his secure basement compound with his cat. I think he’d enjoy a home security system gift certificate if you’re thinking of a present to get him.

Anyway, I went to Portland to visit my brother who lives up the Columbia Gorge in a small town near Hood River. He lives there so he can go snowboarding in the winter and windsurfing in the summer. It’s a great place for both activities, both of which are bad for your lower back – and his lower back is as feeble and creaky as mine. But we still managed many good runs at the Ski Bowl resort on the slopes of Mt. Hood. I’m going on another ski trip in March but I can’t say where because TJ says the burglars and terrorists who read my blog will break into my house and eat my goldfish crackers while I’m gone. I think TJ is afraid of people outside his house.

My oldest brother pushes my buttons like only a sibling can, so I’m only good for about 24 hours with him before my molars start to ache. So I headed into Portland to visit some friends who used to live in DC. One of them is the webmistress of this blog so go visit her site and tell her her art is cool. She reads the server logs for this blog so she knows who you are and has access to your bank accounts by the way. On the way into Portland I stopped at Bonneville Lock and Dam and saw some salmon running up the fish ladder, and even spotted the elusive water ouzel (American Dipper) bird doing his thing in the foamy rapids of the fish ladder. I also stopped by the spectacular Multnomah Falls and took the picture you see here on this here blog.

After a nice dinner at McMenamins Kennedy School we went out on the town. Portland is an incredible scene if you are a hypermasculine lesbian. We went to one club where I had more estrogen than anyone else in the room, but I was the only person in the room with a penis. Those grrrls in Portland were that incredibly butch. Then we went out to a supposed gay bar but it appeared to be completely filled with Jennifers and their straight boyfriends who were patiently waiting to get some from their Jennifer. C.C. Slaughters had a distinct douchey feel to it and I question whether or not it’s actually a gay bar anymore. I would contend that if you’re a gay man don’t expect the Portland nightlife to be satisfying, but if you’re a lesbian it’s a muff-diving oasis of buzzcuts and flannel ecstasy.

A reader recommended I visit Sauvie Island to see the migrating snow geese, tundra swans and sandhill cranes. I’m glad we took his advice as it was a neat place to visit, and apparently the largest river island in the United States. The island is managed for recreation, wildlife and agriculture and was a pleasant pastoral blend of all three. We also spotted a Northern Harrier, American kestrel, several bald eagles, and mergansers.

Despite the lack of gay male nightlife I’d love to live there as it’s an hour away from the Pacific coast, the mountains and lots of other recreational opportunities. I used to live there in ‘95-’96 and liked it a lot, but couldn’t find a decent paying job so I freaked out and joined the Peace Corps, which is ultimately how I ended up in DC (long, long story). Jobs remain competitive there as there is a surplus of hippies with Master’s and Ph.Ds who will take any low salary thrown at them. I’ve tried a couple of times to get back there and have my resume and federal applications ready in the case an opportunity comes up, but I haven’t seen many openings in my career track (public affairs specialist, series 1035) in that area lately. You gotta hand it to DC – it’s expensive and fucking hot in the summer but there are always jobs here.

So last night on the Grammys Lady Gaga arrived in an egg and hatched out of it onstage during her performance. I want to remind everyone that Mork from Ork and the San Diego Chicken did that schtick first. Her song is catchy but I wouldn’t say it’s a copy of “Express Yourself” as some jaded gays are saying. It’s almost a soul/R&B song to me. I think it’s in the same key as Madonna’s song so It might sound similar but I hear a different song. It’s not outstanding but it is fun.

I remember the San Diego Chicken thing was a big deal! I remember seeing it live on television and the stadium was sold out. I always thought it was funny when he ate people’s heads.

Cee Lo Green performed his hit with Gwyneth Paltrow and puppets. The performance was a shout-out to Elton John’s appearance on The Muppet Show. A lot of people didn’t understand why Gwyneth was doing the number but it’s because she covered it in an episode of Glee. I thought she was pretty good. I’m really glad Arcade Fire won album of the year because that will make the hipsters who used to rave about them nonstop now eschew them because they are now commercially popular. That’s good news for me because that means less talk about Arcade Fire. I’m sure they’re great but please hipsters STFU about Arcade Fire, thanks.

I think Easter is my favorite holiday because it’s not designed to make single people feel miserable like Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving or Christmas does. Plus I love Cadbury Creme Eggs, Marshmallow Peeps and hard-boiled eggs as well. And don’t forget the Washington Post Peeps diorama contest (“Peeps Show“) is coming up soon. Now that the weather is getting nicer perhaps I’ll take another bike trip to the Peeps & Company Retail Store at National Harbor.

There is some kind of large hawk or falcon I see frequently around Shaw and Ledroit. I’ve seen it resting on nearby rooftops, and spotted it soaring around again this morning on the way to work. I can’t tell what kind it is yet – it’s larger than a Cooper’s Hawk but too dull brown with not so much white. It’s bigger than a peregrine falcon too, but definitely in the hawk/falcon group of birds of prey. Not knowing what it is frustrates me as I’m usually very good with bird identification. It is not a peregrine, red-tailed, or a merlin either. It’s some kind of big uniformly dull brown hawk or falcon.

Hawks are in the same order as falcons (i.e. closely related) and they hunt in the same ways that sparrow hawks, merlins and peregrine falcons do. In fact, beginner faloners are encouraged to practice with larger red-tailed hawks rather than with a peregrine or saker falcon.

Spotting a bird of prey in the city (or at least one the size of DC) is actually quite easy. Keep an eye out on the pigeons, starlings and gulls around you. Don’t look for the falcon at first. If you see all the pigeons, starlings and gulls suddenly take flight at the same time and very erratically, then a falcon is near. Scan the rest of the sky and you will likely spot the falcon soaring around nearby. The pigeons instinctively fly a certain way when they spot a bird of prey in order to evade the falcon or hawk.

It’s no surpise wildlife is finding their way back into the city. The rats, pigeons, gulls and starlings have had it too good for too long and have grown fat and lazy. Easy pickings for a predator. The falcons and hawks have fit into a previously unoccupied niche. There are little critter skeletons on my rooftop – obviously the remains of bold scavengers turned juicy meal for the birds of prey. The birds of prey have been busy.

UPDATE: just the day after I wrote this, I got a morning visitor for breakfast. I think it’s the same bird I’ve been seeing around the neighborhood. It was in the back alley trying to munch on a rat it had nabbed. But the neighbors were hooting and hollering about it so the bird never got to eat its kill. The mangled rat is still there atop a trash can. Click any of the photos to embiggen:

I’m having a hard time identifying it. Is it a juvenile red-tail or rough-legged hawk? It does not have the thick bands on its tail to make it a Cooper’s. For now I’ll call it a Prince George’s Falcon.

UPDATE 2: The supreme council of birdwatchers believe it’s a juvenile red-tailed hawk. I spotted him again on Sunday morning too:

While I like the wildlife, I could do without the rats. Here’s more information on how to cover your trash in DC or to order a rat-proof Supercan.

I would grouse about how terrible it is that we have all these rats, gulls, starlings and pigeons but I will avoid using the term invasive or exotic. They’re neither anymore – they’ve been here for a long time and are here to stay. I prefer the term non-native.

And our scavenger friends are here for a reason: we’re total slobs. Particularly in the Shaw/Ledroit area. I’m not going out on a limb when I say there is plenty of food for scavengers that consists of a high proportion of chicken bones, discarded carryout trays and half-eaten meals from the 7-11. What if we didn’t have the scavengers to pick up after us? The only other organism that would work on the food would be bacteria. And then the neighborhood would smell even worse because it would smell like rotten meat and other foods. The rats, starlings pigeons and gulls make sure this doesn’t happen.

I’m not advocating for rats and pigeons, I’m just saying they have their role in our urban ecology that keeps a somewhat happy balance. I just wish there wasn’t so much for them to eat, but people keep littering and neighbors keep putting trash out on the curb in bags rather than in a garbage can. This city’s scavenger population is high because we are slobs. I’ve been to other cities where there are no pigeons, gulls, starlings or rats because in those cities there is no littering. It’s a regional cultural thing that I’d like to see change some day.

I don’t care if a politician is a philandering horndog unless he’s a socially conservative prick in his rhetoric and voting history. At that point he’s a hypocrite. And there are lots of them out there and they just keep coming, so to speak. So here’s a story about the latest socially conservative philandering hypocriticical prick:

It’s too bad because he’s kind of hot. I would totally go there for Daddy Chris as he’s in pretty good shape for 46 even though he said he’s 39 in his Craigslist ad.

However, while he’s a philandering hypocrite I don’t think he needs to step down from his office because of the scandal. Yeah, the situation isn’t very moral and it’s definitely embarrassing and he might not be taken seriously for a while, but we all make stupid mistakes. I didn’t think Bill Clinton needed to step down even though he totally came on that shrieking harridan’s dress. Besides, the public’s attention span is short and he can hopefully learn from it and get back to work in no time. And maybe not be such an anti-gay and anti-choice prick in the future.

The thing that keeps me laughing here in DC is when newcomer political people first move here they underestimate the smallness of the community here. It really is a small town and hot gossip burns through certain channels like wildfire. If you move here after being elected you might as well assume you’re back in a small town somewhere out on the steppes of North Dakota. Nothing here stays secret for long.

And people still think the Internets are a vast, uncharted sea where your actions will remain anonymous. Not so – even my mom can do a pretty thorough Google search for something, and if you’ve ever posted anything online just assume someone has either saved it or can find it. That’s probably why I’ll never become President because there’s too many incriminating photos of me online.
>; )
UPDATE via Joe.My.God: another blog has made some woofy photomanipulations of his online dating pics.

It rained much of the weekend at SNÖ Mountain so snowboarding conditions weren’t the best. But it was a fun trip and I’ll have the opportunity for some decent pow out west later this month and possibly in March as well.

However if I hear Rihanna’s “Only Girl (In The World)” one more time I’m going to icepick somebody in the rear and the ear. It was a big gay group trip and the song was played at every opportunity. Sometimes The Gay go overboard with gay things, but I think we can pull back on the Rhianna stuff lately mmmkay thanks!

Here are some pictures from my other big gay bus trip last week up to Baltimore to see Robyn. When they said it was a “short bus” I didn’t think too deeply about it and was expecting a motorcoach or tour bus, but it was basically the shell of a school bus turned party mobile. I was significantly older than the passenger demographic and felt very awkward for much of the trip but then the twinks started drinking and loosened up (it only takes one tablespoon of alcohol to get a twink drunk) and a few ventured over to speak to the creepy old hairy troll that I am. That gave me hope that the gaylings are in fact able to socialize without using handheld devices at all times.

However those twinks did not play Rihanna’s “Only Girl (In The World)” because they were hipster gays and hipsters eschew all things commercially popular. In fact they are so hip they even criticized the very Robyn show in the above linked article because they are hipsters and are incapable of enjoying anything. They must judge everything negatively and then seconds later discard that artist for the Next Best Thing That You’ve Never Heard About. And then sneer at you for not knowing about that next best thing. But if they find out that you also know about said big thing, then they immediately discard that thing because you know about it. And most importantly, don’t ever enjoy anything, ever.

Anyway, due to the 2nd gay bus trip I totally missed the Superbowl and the new episode of Glee. But I read that the Superbowl was an ostentatious steaming pile of shit this year in terms of commercialization. At least the quarterbacks were both hot, but I was sad that Rodgers shaved his beard before the game even though the Packers won.

Regarding the current Chick-Fil-A purported homophobia issue: what self respecting homo eats at Chick-Fil-A anyway? Let them be homophobic – it will match the flavor of their product. I mean jeez their sandwiches are a tasteless bun and a shitty overprocessed shoggy fried chicken patty. Gross. I can’t even eat there the idea of their sandwitch is so unappetizing.

Since it’s become easier to buy a gun in the District, it turns out DC residents in more affluent, low-crime regions of the city are more likely to own a gun than those in less affluent areas. There were some interesting discussions on NPR this morning and in the article about why this is so. Many of these residents have never experienced a robbery. Many agree that the most likely reason some are more likely to own guns in DC than others is that people in Upper NW can simply afford to own a gun. Guns are expensive, and you should also be putting down some money for gun cleaning equipment and for practice at a firing range (which also takes time, which poor people don’t have). I also suggest you try to drive away criminals by playing Rihanna’s “Only Girl (In The World)” nonstop 24/7.

My first thoughts on the subject were that people living in low-income, high-crime areas know that you probably won’t be home when your house gets broken into anyway – but not always! A lot of people have told me they’ve been robbed while they were in the house and their stuff was taken while they were upstairs or down in the basement and never saw the thief. You probably won’t get the opportunity to actually use the gun against a perpetrator, but owning a gun makes people feel better.

But at least now we know that if you buy a gun in Washington, DC you’re not the only gurl (in the world) with a gun.