As the world knows, one of those stations on the teevee reserved some of the green areas of the National Mall on which to have a comedy concert thing, and this is happening right now. If you decided you did not want to go to this thing and be forced to stand among the unwashed liberal teevee-watching elites, your Wonkette is now here with LIVE TEAM COVERAGE to accompany you watching this on teevee or your computer or whatever. (And if you are at the rally and somehow reading this, go ahead and tip us at the usual e-mail with whatever odd photos you have taken or with descriptions of whatever weird stuff is going on in the crowd that we don’t see in our Media Bubble.) Currently famed Jimmy Fallon house band The Roots are performing the “pre-show” with John Legend, just as they did at Glenn Beck’s rally, so we guess we should start this liveblog thing. READ MORE »
The Wonkette copy desk alerts us that rumors on the Twitter suggest the Wonkette Halloween Nightwhore Party is going about as you’d expect. READ MORE »
- Journalism jumped the shark (again!) when our ex-godmother Gawker posted a mean thing about our beloved sybil Christine O’Donnell — despite holding back the juiciest details.
- Coincidentally(?), Christine also developed a taste for human flesh.
- Top-secret plans confirm that a gulag of communists (Sheryl Crow) will descend upon DC to slander Glenn Beck.
- Alaska’s Joe Miller cannot answer a simple question without running away like a common Frenchman.
- America’s most worthless class of humans, graduate students, continue to delay adulthood, forever, because they will never be employed.
- David Vitter finally wiped his bottom clean of his nasty hooker sins — before soiling himself once again.
Are you headed to Washington for the big comedy rally we are having in lieu of possessing any grand ambition, moral beliefs or personal dignity? Hooray, hope you like Sheryl Crow a lot! Also: Hope you don’t get shot by the armed & dangerous lunatic firing on anything he thinks is a U.S. Marine or U.S. Marine-affiliated facility. Oh yeah, and this weekend’s the big “Marine Homecoming,” meaning some 30,000 Marines and Marine-affiliated persons will be everywhere in and around DC. And law enforcement officials would like you to know there’s a chance this current or former Crazy Marine might want to shoot all the other Marines, in Washington, this week. READ MORE »
If you haven’t heard, Comedy Central is going to have a comedy event this weekend on the National Mall, because some of their shows are primarily rooted in political humor. This has very much confused the media, because people who hold “rallies” on this spot of dirt and grass are usually very political! (Except for musicians, like at the July 4 fireworks show or, say, this “rally.”) They generally DO NOT care for some people coming into THEIR BLAND CITY OF BULLSHIT and performing comedy and stuff on a stage. And thus this week has been made up of endless, inane editorials about how this rally is bad for politics or whatever, and the only way this can be bad for politics, of course, is if they cover it like it is the most important event in politics when in fact there is a pretty important election a week away. So will they have time to break away from their huge presence at this comedy concert thing to devote their full, necessary effort to covering the glut of highly important elections that are currently coming down to the wire? READ MORE »
Sure, but when your afternoon editor needed help moving last week, Bobby Jindal was nowhere to be found. He can die in that stuffed-animal crane machine he’s stuck in for all we care.
For decades, the nation’s dogs have known something was up with those UPS and FedEx deliveries — and now the frightened, collapsing empires of the West are realizing our canine friends might have had the right idea all along. Perhaps it wasn’t so “crazy” after all when they hurled themselves against the chain link or front door every time they saw the United Parcel delivery truck with its suspiciously Arabic logo, or the ominous “Ex” after “Fed” — a code only our brave and humble four-legged friends could decode as “Ex-United States.” But enough about shit-eating dogs being 100× smarter than any American human. Now that we’re in crisis mode, it’s time to announce the U.S. Plan of Action. READ MORE »
David Vitter’s Democratic opponent is going to lose to him on Tuesday, so at this point, the only thing he can really do is say, “C’mon Louisiana, you’re going to vote for the guy who buys hookers to dress him up in diapers? Really?” David Vitter is still going to debates with this man, so he has to hear questions from the moderators like, “So, buying hookers: Illegal, right?” And David Vitter will not respond. But we ask you this: If David Vitter broke the law, which law did he break? Did he break the law against loving Louisiana and its nurturing bayous too much? GUILTY AS CHARGED! Did he break the law of cosines? Perhaps, depending on the angle of his Huggies. Did he break natural law? No, because that thing he did is how humans make babies and also how they keep babies from making a mess. Well, then, did he break the law of babies? Yes. READ MORE »
RACE WAR EVERYBODY! RACE WAR! STEP AWAY FROM YOUR COMPUTERS, GO OUTSIDE, AND SORT YOURSELF OUT BY RACE, because Charles Krauthammer says that’s what’s going on. Krauthammer has been in his cave monitoring the transmissions of the brown people very closely, and that’s how he heard “a radio interview that aired Monday on Univision” in which Barack Obama sent a secret message to the Mexicans: “We’re gonna punish our enemies and we’re gonna reward our friends who stand with us on issues that are important to us.” Krauthammer, who spends day and night trying to uncover new human beings who are his enemies, does not like it when a president calls people “enemies.” And that’s why, in the interests of liberty, we must finally repeal this whole “equality” thing. READ MORE »
In the closing days, it’s time for Joe Miller to warm up the voters with his compassionate beard hairs, so in a local teevee interview, he reveals that he was teased incessantly in school because he stupidly fell face-first onto the floor one time and busted up his lip. “It had a pretty significant impact on me for the first several years of my life, so much so that I ended up mowing lawns in order to make enough money to have a little surgical operation to cut that off — you can still see part of it on my lip,” he said. Once this child bought himself full and beautiful Hollywood plastic-surgery lips, he was ready for the Senate or something. But getting bullied in school has a lasting effect on people. And especially Joe Miller, because he once tried to board a flight with a loaded gun. READ MORE »
By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hooray, Tuesday will be the election, for real! Then we won’t ever have to worry about politics ever again, at least until mid-January, when Speaker Boehner orders us all to be rounded up and put in camps for “security purposes.” But until then, here is a fun cutting-edge political observation for you: did you ever notice that Election Day and Halloween are close together? It’s funny because for one of these celebrations we encourage our children to participate in pagan rites and worship demons, and for the other we elect John Boehner speaker, apparently. Also, both events feature monstrous human-animal hybrids, that people sometimes have sex with! Let’s take a look. READ MORE »
Look out your window: Is there a stampede of wretched liberals flailing their arms and making wild animal sounds? Those liberals are running as fast as they can to the “local municipal court house,” so that they can pick up a copy of the “death roll” and then vote bazillions of times using False Dead People Identities. This is manipulative and wrong on so many levels, because most dead people write in their obituaries that they hate Democrats. You awful liberals couldn’t really care less though, huh? Well, the Tea Party Paranormal Society isn’t going to let you get away with this bullshit. Not this time. They made a video that will stop you. READ MORE »
Everyone knows that Al Franken and his lawyers stole Norm Coleman’s landslide victory. Never Again, says the GOP (they are never going to let Norm Coleman run again). But also they are never going to let another comedian from Minnesota become senator. Introducing: No More Frankens dot com! “The only way to prevent more Al Frankens is to win and win big … There is no margin for error. Will you help us?” Yes, okay. Will this be the usual “get out the GOP vote” deal? You know, telling minorities that election day is November 4? Obviously, yes. But also, a small five thousand dollar donation can buy four thousand votes for the GOP! Your Wonkette just donated “Norm Coleman.” READ MORE »
- Meg Whitman has finally realized that she can’t buy the Governorship of California on eBay — which really sucks for her, because she has already spent hundreds of millions of her own dollars trying to do exactly that! So on to Plan B: Deport her former housekeeper, the Illegal Mexican Nicky Diaz Santillan! It “breaks her heart,” but Meg Whitman knows that this will solve California’s deficit. Oh and then Meg started barfing about how she wants a “stronger electronic verification system for employers,” because that evil Nicky Diaz Santillan had “a valid California driver’s license” and a “Social Security card,” both of which were probably birthday presents from Jerry Brown. Or maybe they were forged? Is Nicky Diaz Santillan a harmless housekeeper, or a member of the Mexican CIA? Doesn’t matter, deport her! (Jerry Brown supporters should also probably be deported.) It breaks Meg Whitman’s heart, but she really really wants to be elected. [LAT] READ MORE »
Up in New York City, the gay bars are called things like “The Cock,” and the go-go boys start going full-nude at about 4 PM. In Los Angeles, all of West Hollywood is gay — especially your favorite action movie heroes. But in DC, “go-go” is a junkyard music I’m still trying to like, and the most popular gay bar is a fratty (but fun!) sports club full of straight people. READ MORE »
As we all know, some bro’s account of what Christine O’Donnell’s pubic hair looks like shows she is hypocritical on the most important political issues, and that is why Gawker, according to them, posted that gross account of her naked body on the Internet, for which they paid thousands of dollars. (Haha, you have already clicked on the jump to this story because we put up that picture of her and are talking about her sex life. WE GET IT, THIS IS OUR THING TOO A LOT. Thank you, Gawker.) So yes, the “hypocritical” thing is one way Gawker has been defending this. Another: “We did have to make some judgements,” editor Remy Stern said. “There was some salacious stuff that we didn’t put in.” Really? We have some guesses as to what that stuff is! READ MORE »
‘Worthly Wokette Skum’ Will Not Stop St. Christine From Cleansing DC’s Sins
by Ken Layne