Sure, we’ve already caught up with Basil Marceaux to get his election predictions, but what about America’s second-best pundit, The Daily Beast’s Senior Political Analyst Meghan McCain? It turns out she also knows how things will turn out tonight. So who will win? Republicans mostly, and also mostly moderate, so-called (by nobody) “Meghan McCain Republicans,” like Charlie Crist and Lisa Murkowski. Oh, and that latter upset will finally let Meg wrest away the title she deserves: “Alaska is fascinating because it will either confirm or deny Sarah Palin’s reign as kingmaker.” The queen is dead! Long live Queen Meghan! Meghan also admits she has a “perverse side” that makes her do gross stuff like decide Christine O’Donnell will win. Eww! READ MORE »
There is some sort of election thing happening today, but that’s pretty boring because it’s not a presidential election and it doesn’t involve Sarah Palin. So today is really as good a day as any for the National Review to begin picking Discovery Channel teevee host Sarah Palin’s presidential cabinet, because her election to that job is pretty much a foregone conclusion or whatever, but they say Palin should announce this cabinet like right away just in case anyone worries she would hire any fellow dumb people on her staff. “A conservative Republican unity ticket dedicated to restoring fiscal and economic sanity in Washington could, if played right, change history.” It could! A dog sniffing a machine gun covered in bacon in front of a crowd of people could also change history, but a President Palin is slightly more likely to happen, and it’s fun to play dollhouse with her impending cabinet selections, so the National Review has done this for all of the positions. READ MORE »
For the fifth time since October, an innocent military facility in Virginia has been savagely shot by some armed weirdo. The shooter is probably a former Marine and current nutcase, according to FBI agent Clarice Starling. And this time, the victim was a Coast Guard recruiting office in Woodbridge, Va. The same gunman probably shot at the Pentagon’s exterior walls and some Marines museum and a couple of other military buildings in Northern Virginia. But is the American Military really the target? READ MORE »
When you’re looking for a solid prediction of today’s results, who do you really want to turn to? Nate Silver? Mark Halperin? The Cook Political Report? No. You turn to this campaign’s best candidate, Basil Marceaux. Marceaux told us the Republicans will win three seats, which is enough to control the House. (To be fair, before he said this he was discussing about the FEC, which he says controls the whole system, making our country a democracy, even though the Pledge of Allegiance says it’s a republic.) After the jump, Basil makes his prediction in the Nevada Senate race. READ MORE »
Wasn’t that fun, two years ago when everyone flooded the streets in sheer happiness after Obama won? Haha, we don’t think that’s going to happen this year! Oh no, this year’s results are too devastating for Washingtonian libruls, who are probably just going to lock themselves in their homes, pout, and watch reruns of the 2008 election results in attempt to go back to happier times. Why don’t libruls want to watch the results in public this year? Isn’t it better to be with friends in a public location that serves alcohol on a night like this? READ MORE »
The Republicans are “taking back Washington” today, and let’s hope these strong fiscal conservatives keep their promises and privatize the Smithsonian. But how did this grand takeover come about? Oh, you know, because John Boehner has been traveling about the globe, invoking fond memories of dead entertainers and country singers: “We had Bob Hope. We had Johnny Cash. Think about where we are today. We have got President Obama. But we have no hope and we have no cash.” Rosanne Cash, Johnny’s daughter, did not find this “punchline” amusing or clever. So she logged on to her Twitter machine and called John Boehner an orange butt-shaped hat. READ MORE »
Hey, David Vitter sent us a “tip.” If you are trapped in the New Orleans Airport you should totally go! Or if you live in DC, just take the Metro (Red Line)!
- Hooray, it’s Election Day! America finally gets to vote out the Democrats, even though voters have a more favorable opinion of Democrats than of Republicans. (Wait, what?) Erick Erickson is already gloating and offering to help you with your resume, because tomorrow John Boehner is going to fire everyone. (Unless you roll cigarettes/work at the orange spray paint factory. Your job is safe and sound. Actually, you get a raise.) Meanwhile, Tea Baggers all over America are already moshing hard, so if you can you should go party/wave Made in China flags with them. Anyway, you should also probably go vote? Share your traumatic voter fraud stories in the comments and/or send hawt polling station pix to tips at wonkette dot com! [NYT/WaPo/Go Vote] READ MORE »
Bill Maher wants to know if it’s okay that he is afraid of Muslim babies. Why won’t they get off his lawn, these Muslim babies? They are trying to take over his lawn (“England”) and his old-man garden gnomes (atheists) with their adorable baby Sharia. Oh, you want this man to back down from his hatred of people who believe in something? He shall not, because he is Bill Maher. Groan. READ MORE »
On the eve of the most important midterm election of the year, the combined cultural powers of teevee’s 60 Minutes and the movie-star magazine Vanity Fair have again delivered a poll that tells us not only what Americans think, but what they are. READ MORE »
Hooray for this person, in her stylish “Don’t Teabag On Me” tea-shirt. For some reason this is on the Huffington Post. Also, which Wonkette readers did this elaborate routine? [HuffPo]
Sarah Palin has had it with the irresponsible media, especially when they’re not fulfilling their constitutional duty of writing fluff pieces about her wayward pregnant teen-aged children dancing like harlots on the teevee. No longer will Sarah just sit there typing hieroglyphics on Twitter while the anti-American monsters of The Politico quote her fellow Republicans saying the entire GOP is gearing up to have her disappeared. She knows about hella reporting and such, we bet! After all, she spent most of a decade pursuing her community college degree in journalism. READ MORE »
Seeing as it was just days away from the midterms, people who do polling seriously and for a living decided it was high time they collect some numbers on the most important election happening this campaign season. And that election, of course, is a U.S. presidential election pitting Comedy Central characters Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert against one another. Major news businesses the Washington Post and ABC News put all their profits together to commission this very significant poll, and surely the respondents were eager to have ten minutes stolen from their lives to consider which of these two individuals they would vote for in this teevee comedian presidential election that will be happening any day. “With one in three still up for grabs (mainly undecided), both Comedy Central funnymen may have a great chance to pick up support at their dueling rallies on the National Mall,” a Post journalist wrote, PROPHETICALLY and IN FULL UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT A COMEDIAN IS. READ MORE »
Who is this mysterious man next to the guy with the shoe-polish face? No, it is not a “good Carl Paladino costume,” it is the man himself, doing what every candidate should do mere hours before his gubernatorial election: get drunk at the local bar and grope some young women in “sexy Mrs. Buttersworth” costumes. So if you live in the Buffalo area, Paladino likely photobombed all of your Facebook pics from last night. But that’s okay, because it turns out he has some very good drunk faces that will enliven any Halloween photo. READ MORE »
Christine O’Donnell is still lagging in the polls (REALLY?) one day out, so the obvious game-changer this woman needs is to create a half-hour infomercial about herself and buy time to air it on the Hallmark Channel or whatever. Actually, she could only manage to say the same trite thing about taxes for twenty-four minutes, so that’s how long it is. And it is all very touching. Listen to the small-business owner wail about how he suddenly has to pay something called “taxes” on the money his store makes. Watch Christine hard at “work” chatting with 20 voters next to a fake tree in a rundown hotel conference room. Then we spend time with a doctor who will be forced to work at a hospital because of this health care thing, and a farm family who will be forced to sell their land because, again, this whole new “taxes” thing, and who will presumably also be forced to work at this sweatshop hospital that doctor is going to. And then back to Christine, who is yelling at some old people in slow motion. Entertainment! READ MORE »
Today, most of America’s children are happily sedated from an all-night candy binge conditioning exercise. They are taking their giant pillowcases of winnings to school and bragging about who scored more free Snickers bars, because that is the meaning of Freedom. But this is not the case for the children who were subjected to a fruity Halloween at the world’s most terrifying haunted house — a big, white mansion inhabited by a socialist Kenyan, his power-hungry wife, and their vicious zombie watchdog, Bo Obama. The Halloween catastrophe gave Michelle a brilliant idea, and now our FLOTUS is spending the next 24 hours weeding out the nation’s fatties, so they can’t make it to the polls. READ MORE »
