About 35 years ago, a mentally challenged man named Sylvester Stallone somehow typed a movie screenplay and sold it. The movie was pretty good, and the role was also written for Stallone’s “acting,” as the story told of a retarded man beaten to death by a handsome black American, while people cheered to disco music. Now, this same actor is writing a new screenplay (a Twitter post) about how Barack Obama is a “Manchurian Candidate.” Let’s hope this Obama didn’t get elected yesterday! READ MORE »
Tennessee Republican Terri Lynn Weaver has SOMEHOW gotten into controversy by posting a photo of herself with her fat pastor dressed as a blackface Aunt Jemima, which you can see at left. What you can’t see at left is the comment Weaver wrote on this photo, “Aunt Jemima, you is so sweet.” WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT? Surely this nice white lady just meant that she loves that particular pancake-dust brand and would like it to be her friend on Facebook! And doesn’t everyone have a pastor who dresses up as offensive caricatures of minorities? That’s like the most important part of the Bible. Jesus was always wearing hilarious costumes like this. In response to furor over this offensive stereotype, the woman is now defending herself in the most stereotypical way possible. READ MORE »
President Obama made his big post-election press conference this afternoon, and it turns out he heard about that election thing that happened last night too. He said his party received “a shellacking,” but that wasn’t merely a quoted pun from a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon he had seen; the president’s tone and face were dire, and he doesn’t seem to see too much room for this whole “bipartisanship” thing. Sure, maybe the Republicans will stop hating gays for a moment and let them serve openly in the military, but that’s about it. Cap and trade? Yeah, any chance of that happening is pretty much over, the emo president mumbled. He’s probably just going to lay on the couch in his sweatpants eating arugula chips for the next couple years, because he also said he’s not going to just suddenly become a Teabagger. READ MORE »
Hmm, so right now everyone is just devastated because that which we knew was going to happen actually happened, except somehow for Harry Reid. Progress is now in peril, everything is ruined, et cetera and so forth, but maybe not all is lost? Can things that seem terrible/horrible/very orange be okay in the end? If America takes its cues from two seemingly strange things that are in fact great — the leftover parts of dead animals turned into bite-sized happy hour treats, and macaroni and cheese served out of an 18 foot truck that’s decorated with large orange and yellow macaroni noodles — then everything should be just fine in the end. READ MORE »
What is going on with Bachmann in this video? Her face is just unnatural, for one, but God, is her whole point of going on with those cackling MSNBC bitters just so there will be a clip of her making fun of that evil librul channel to pass around in fundraising e-mails? She has no idea that Chris Matthews is making her look bad, and if Chris Matthews is making you look bad, you’re doing something terribly wrong. Other great clips we’ve collected from last night: Christine O’Donnell’s victory speech, Carl Paladino suddenly appearing with a baseball bat at his podium, and Joe Manchin being undermined by a small child in a fedora. READ MORE »
- America’s new national anthem serves as a delightful accompaniment to some hawt elephant p0rno. [YouTube]
- Little Lord Fauntleroy would like to remind the filthy American colonists that this tea-shed election is really a victory for the Magna Carta. [Telegraph]
- The Democratic Party is the aborted dumpster-fetus of America, which is OK because they were whiny and deserved to get flushed. [CanadaFreePress]
- Rick Perry IS NOT running for President, according to Rick Perry. So start decorating your Hoveround with Perry/Bachmann stickers, like yesterday. [Fox]
- Not even the evil trillionaire George Soros could stop the tea-brown tidal wave that splashed all over America’s face last night. [AmericanVision]
Even though Bristol Palin was dancing in California on the television last night, she still should have sent in her ballot absentee, because voting is just what white rural folks do, and that’s how their candidates win elections. But this morning, as the sun continues to hover over Alaska, Joe Miller is crying because Bristol gave his Senate seat to “Total Write-In” by not voting. “I did not send in my absentee ballots to Alaska,” she apparently told Bill O’Reilly’s Inside Edition. Wait, absentee ballots? How many ballots did Sarah collect for her daughter? Maybe she really did cost Joe Miller that election, by neglecting her duties when her mother wasn’t there to whip her into filling out 10,000 absentee ballots. READ MORE »
When the war is over, in the wee small hours, when your tie is loosened and you just want to have a cigarette and bullshit on the phone with another brother who likes his smokes, that’s when you open the last bottle and put Kind of Blue on the stereo and accidentally call John Boehner, because your dumb intern put him in the Rolodex under “colored guys.” [White House Flickr/Pete Souza]
Colorado’s amiable, reasonable fellow Michael Bennet has won himself a full term in the Senate, according to The Denver Post, denying the Teabagger Caucus yet another member in the Senate. Ken Buck obviously gave his state a lot of great reasons to vote for him, from not knowing the First Amendment to not prosecuting rape to saying he will never compromise in the U.S. Senate, which is a campaign promise he will now keep. Oh, and boy ranching. The Democratic count in the Senate has now hit 52 with only Washington and Alaska remaining to be called. Buck was not the Teabaggers’ craziest candidate, but they do have to be mournful today that their “best” elected candidate was Rand Paul. READ MORE »
“Total Write-In” has defeated Joe Miller in Alaska, 41%-34%, with 98.6% reporting. So are we ready to declare facial hair dead in the Senate once again? Of course not. We have no idea how many of those 81,876 voters counted so far in the write-in column are actually for “Lisa Murkowski” precisely. If even 8,000 people wrote down “Liza Minnelli” or “MUR + (K)OW + SKIS” or “Mike Gravel,” she may lose. According to the Anchorage Daily News, “Minor misspellings are probably OK but simply writing ‘Lisa M,’; for example, could be a problem.” It’ll be up to the courts to decide what spellings count for Murkowski, and it will probably also be up to them to decide what that semicolon is doing in that sentence we quoted. And this will drag on for approximately forever. READ MORE »
- All Hail John Boehner, America’s newly crowned Orange Mikado! Blessings and peace be upon him, and may he bestow upon us a plentiful cigarette harvest, so that we may have cancer of the lungs and/or mouth, whatever. Yes, November really was the Teabaggers’ “N word.” But c’mon people, it’s not like the Republicans eloped with your girlfriend and then tongue punched her fart box. (Some of us don’t even have girlfriends to tongue punch.) Anyway, which Democrats/Marijuana Initiatives lost last night? Basically all of them, except for Harry Reid! At least Meg Whitman lost, so maybe Baby Jesus doesn’t hate Freedom. (Maybe.) Also: No verdict yet on Murray or Bennet, but it looks like they both will squeak by with a Win. So it’s not all vomit-inducing news! Here is a helpful map that lets you stay updated on Barack Obama’s Massive Loss last evening. [CSM] READ MORE »
What’s up, cancer man? You ready to bring dignity or whatever back to the House of Representatives, where you’ve been for two entire decades? Let’s do a mop-up liveblog and think about chasing the American Dream, with a gun. READ MORE »
With polls closed in the bankrupt republic of California, ABC 7 in Los Angeles is bravely sticking to Dancing With the Stars. Everything about tonight is fantastic. But what about the “Year of the Billionaire Woman,” that thing we had in 2010? Did Meg Whitman manage to buy a very expensive thing almost nobody else on Earth actually wanted? Did Carly Fiorina use her dumb meanness to defeat not-that-popular Senator Barbara Boxer? When will the Chinese show up and take whatever’s worth money and ship it to Asia, to recycle? UPDATE: Brown and Boxer defeat the Year of the Womens. READ MORE »
Oh sheesh, did they have to take Feingold? We aren’t upset because the man was a great senator; we are upset because that was Pagels’ seat. It still seems like the Democrats will hold onto the Senate at this, the fifth hour of our long crash into forever-gridlock. Sure, the complete sell-out half of the old McCain-Feingold duo was the one that got elected, but where we seem to be going, that sort of ancient “bipartisanship” thing just seems quaint. The results are still trickling in. We don’t know about Nevada or Illinois or Alaska, which will end in a bloody fistfight on the tundra between all of those candidates tomorrow afternoon, most likely. So what is going on in the final hour before we reach the Teabaggers’ fabled “November 3″? READ MORE »
Is this still happening? Has Rand Paul bankrupted America and outlawed blogging yet? We’re entering HOUR FOUR of this teabagstravaganza, and we’re still weeping for the loss of Our Christine (“You”) because comedy is going to be in short supply, forever, and she was our queen! Well whatever. At least John McCain won his easy-ass had-it-forever Senate seat, so ol’ Walnuts will still be around to yell at clouds. READ MORE »
We have now almost reached the 9 o’clock hour, when you can start to watch these returns on the network teevee channels, so this election is finally official even though we have reached our pivotal THIRD HOUR of this liveblog. Yes, Christine O’Donnell’s Campaign of Pubes has come to an end, for now, though the way she died left things open for a sequel. (And more gross Gawker posts.) Marco Rubio is your new Florida Elian Gonzalez, and all it cost was every shred of Charlie Crist’s humanity. In West Virginia, Joe Manchin has shot his lasers PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW at his opponent and will now shoot Barack Obama from his seat in the Senate, with his trusty shotgun, making things closer to impossible for the GOP to win a majority. So if that makes you a bit relieved for democracy, it’s one less shot of tequila to do tonight. READ MORE »
It’s 8 p.m. on the East Coast and probably midnight tomorrow on the Alaskan West Coast, so let’s begin the second awful installment of America’s favorite liberal moan temple, the Wonkette Midterms 2010 Liveblogging Challenge! So far, Republicans have won important Senate seats such as the Rand Paul seat and the Rob Portman seat. Will Barack Obama be removed from office, along with his so-called “health care” scheme? And why did the Economy gang up on Democrats, anyway? Is the Great Recession simply racist? (Yes.) But Chris Coons is the WINNER against Witchcraft and Patriotism! No, please Wiccan goddess in the Sky, do not take Christine O’Donnell from us, for goddess’ sake, we NEED COMEDY now more than ever. READ MORE »
