Earlier this morning, Washington Post tribute site Politico reported that teevee’s Keith Olbermann, who works for news channel MSNBC, donated money to three Democratic candidates just four days before the elections on Tuesday. This is something many Americans do, but it is not something MSNBC Americans can do, because it appeared to be a violation of NBC’s news ethics policies. And it seems it is a violation, because the network has suspended Olbermann without pay today. Olbermann will now curse out MSNBC for being evil, mug exasperatedly for a non-existent camera, leave his office, and call up Joe Buck for some therapeutic World Series broadcast criticism. Meanwhile, Fox News and its personalities probably didn’t donate enough to Republicans. READ MORE »
The engrossing drama of Sarah Palin’s Twitter servant “favoriting” an Ann Coulter “retweet” of a “yfrog” photo of a church sign complaining that Jesus’ blood no-likey Obama is now over, as Palin has removed this thing from her account. Americans can now rest easy and get back to their daily lives. We will use Palin’s quote as it appears on the Telegraph‘s website, because it makes her spell things like a posh British aristocrat: “I’ve never purposefully ‘favourited’ any Tweet,” she wrote in an e-mail. “I had to go back to my BlackBerry to even see if such a function was possible. I was travelling to Alaska that day … it was an obvious accidental ‘favouriting’.” WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TEA WITH YOUR MOSK CRUMPETS, SARAH? READ MORE »
One graphics intern or another at CBS’ news website decided it would be a good idea to create an image, for a story about upcoming law-making gridlock, of Obama’s face split in two, featuring a weird scar and a new, whiter half-face. This white face, however, happens to be on the “Republican” half of the image. (Though they did forget to give John Boehner’s face an orange shine. We had to add that.) CBS must have been making some kind of “Star Trek” reference, of course, which is what the KKK always used to say. Newsbusters and other conservative sites picked this up and said it was VERY RACIST. Not against black people, for lightening Obama’s skin, mind you. It was racist because CBS had the gall to imply that Republicans are more white than Democrats. READ MORE »
Oh, did the Democratic Party lose some sort of little voting game on Tuesday? Nancy Pelosi didn’t notice, because she was too busy being more powerful than ever. Sure, some people would expect her to step aside after losing the House Speaker job to an orange alien humanoid. But that’s not her style. Her style is, “This election loss just means that half of those annoying Blue Dogs are gone now, so I’ll be an even better leader now.” And according to ABC News, most House Democrats are going to go along with this because she raises a lot of money for them, and because what exactly is their other option? Steny Hoyer? That guy looks like the crusty old bachelor who idles for hours at your local gas station every night for no apparent reason, except now the man is wearing a suit for the first time in seven years. NO. READ MORE »
- Barack Obama is fleeing the country for a ten-day “please stop taking our jobs?” tour of India, Indonesia, South Korea and Japan. And there have been many accurate news reports suggesting that Obama is spending two hundred million dollars a day on this Gluttonous Asian Vacation: Our president does not pack lightly! According to Matt Drudge, the White House has been lifted from its foundation and placed on a flatbed truck made entirely out of diamonds, and this diamond-encrusted flatbed truck was placed on the most expensive aircraft carrier — and then this aircraft carrier was put in the cargo hold of a different and way more expensive aircraft carrier. And this aircraft carrier is just one of the thirty-four warships that Obama is taking with him. (The rest of these ships are carrying delicious snacks, like popcorn shrimp.) Talk about splurging! READ MORE »
Oh God, why did They have to do all the news yesterday and Tuesday? There’s nothing going on today. Okay, fine, we will post this thing that Sarah Palin’s Twitter account “favorited” last week. Everyone else who it was sent to is writing about this, right? And this way we won’t have to address all the inane speculation today about her presidential run? Good. Here. Enjoy this dumb sign. READ MORE »
The most important thing you can do for your country at this moment is buy a “WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE?” billboard, but you probably don’t know where to start. “How do I make a sign that big?” you’re asking yourself, “And how do I get the money? Small businesses are hurting everywhere, including my own meth lab.” WorldNetDaily has made it easy for you. WorldNetDaily has always made it easy for you. And they are proud to announce a charitable fund to which you can donate to save this nation from having a black man as its leader. “What I need Americans to understand is that this billboard campaign is working,” said head WND intellectual Joseph Farah, according to this press release thing. “There is no shortage of billboards available to us. The only thing there’s a shortage of is the money to erect them. We need to raise tens of thousands of dollars a month just to keep them in place.” READ MORE »
Our favorite American Family Association blogger, Bryan Fischer, took to the organization’s blog on Election Day to write about the issue that was on every voter’s mind: “tax-payer funded contraception.” For too long America has had a method to have sex without having babies, and we have to work quickly to end this right now because, as Fischer says, the “utter disaster I call MussoliniCare may soon make contraception free (which means everybody else pays for it) to women in the U.S.” This country is barely making enough babies as it is. But even worse, it’s making the wrong kind of babies, ones that aren’t born into white two-parent opposite-sex households who buy the AFA’s $50 porn filter. And Fischer has a solution: The government needs to make married couples have three kids AT LEAST. READ MORE »
Friday, November 5: By December, hopefully, the country will have healed and Emo Obama will be willing to get up off the White House couch and go eat hamburgers somewhere so Washingtonians can gawk at him. Who knows. Either way, he and his family should be at the National Christmas Tree Lighting ceremony on December 9, and the lottery for tickets opens this Friday. Good news: you do not need to have a small child to quality for tickets. [The National Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony] READ MORE »
The greatest joy of our election-night liveblogging was the moment, in the wee hours of the morning, that we realized every prediction Meghan McCain had made in her little column about the midterms was incorrect. Then this came into our inbox: “MEGHAN MCCAIN BREAKS DOWN THE MID-TERM ELECTION RESULTS ON NBC’S ‘THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO’ TONIGHT (NOVEMBER 3).” Oh God, were there ever two greater talentless, pandering dolts to grace their respective “careers”? Too bad Meg’s sexual-harassing suitor Richard Cohen wasn’t invited to this Algonquin Round Table of stupidity. READ MORE »
Down in the dumps about the election? Looking for an escape from our National Jobs & Politics Sadness via the wonder of books? Do you crave Teabagger erotica about a small-town Texan sheriff who leads a dramatic insurrection against the degenerate rulers of Amerika, leaving a trail of dead and maimed illegal immigrants in his wake, while having weepy sexytime with his wife? If you answered “Oh hell yes!” to all these questions, Till the Eagle Screams by Paul Rawlings will be your only pleasure in these dark times. READ MORE »
The Republican Party has taken a step back from their sweeping victory in America’s ultimate, #1, super repudiation of big government to wonder why, in fact, they didn’t take control of BOTH halves of our two-headed legislative branch; the answer to this conundrum can only be that Jim DeMint is a stupid face. Jim DeMint, you see, gave out all his money (you cannot beat a Daoist by spending money) to Teabagger candidates who went on to win primaries, and then a whole bunch of these people lost in the general election despite being loveably insane. If the party hadn’t nominated complete crazies in Nevada, Delaware, and Colorado, the thinking goes, they could at least have split the Senate. Of course, the natural response to this argument is that Republican candidates were not crazy enough. READ MORE »
- Every media personality and hologram agrees: Barack Obama was not reelected. He lost the election, sorry, goodbye! But who won? The easy answer is “America,” but don’t be rude: give credit where credit’s due! Scary Horror Stories won this election, and you could easily argue that Karl Rove’s piggy bank was also a big winner. Another unsung 9/11 hero: The US Chamber of Commerce, which funneled many millions of dollars into totally factual political ads targeting Democrats as anti-business baby snatchers. And these ads worked extremely well, so congratulations to the friendly mom-and-pop apple pie corner store lobbyists at the Chamber! What is that Winston Churchill quote? “Democracy is the worst form of government, except all the others that have been tried. Ha ha, but really folks, American Democracy is the worst.” And then a V-2 rocket hit his house, or something. [Business Week] READ MORE »
About 35 years ago, a mentally challenged man named Sylvester Stallone somehow typed a movie screenplay and sold it. The movie was pretty good, and the role was also written for Stallone’s “acting,” as the story told of a retarded man beaten to death by a handsome black American, while people cheered to disco music. Now, this same actor is writing a new screenplay (a Twitter post) about how Barack Obama is a “Manchurian Candidate.” Let’s hope this Obama didn’t get elected yesterday! READ MORE »
Tennessee Republican Terri Lynn Weaver has SOMEHOW gotten into controversy by posting a photo of herself with her fat pastor dressed as a blackface Aunt Jemima, which you can see at left. What you can’t see at left is the comment Weaver wrote on this photo: “Aunt Jemima, you is so sweet.” WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT? Surely this nice white lady just meant that she loves that particular pancake-dust brand and would like it to be her friend on Facebook! And doesn’t everyone have a pastor who dresses up as offensive caricatures of minorities? That’s, like, the most important part of the Bible. Jesus was always wearing hilarious costumes like this. And in response to the furor over this offensive stereotype, the woman is now defending herself in the most stereotypical way possible. READ MORE »
President Obama made his big post-election press conference this afternoon, and it turns out he heard about that election thing that happened last night too. He said his party received “a shellacking,” but that wasn’t merely a quoted pun from a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon he had seen; the president’s tone and face were dire, and he doesn’t seem to see too much room for this whole “bipartisanship” thing. Sure, maybe the Republicans will stop hating gays for a moment and let them serve openly in the military, but that’s about it. Cap and trade? Yeah, any chance of that happening is pretty much over, the emo president mumbled. He’s probably just going to lay on the couch in his sweatpants eating arugula chips for the next couple years, because he also said he’s not going to just suddenly become a Teabagger. READ MORE »
Hmm, so right now everyone is just devastated because that which we knew was going to happen actually happened, except somehow for Harry Reid. Progress is now in peril, everything is ruined, et cetera and so forth, but maybe not all is lost? Can things that seem terrible/horrible/very orange be okay in the end? If America takes its cues from two seemingly strange things that are in fact great — the leftover parts of dead animals turned into bite-sized happy hour treats, and macaroni and cheese served out of an 18 foot truck that’s decorated with large orange and yellow macaroni noodles — then everything should be just fine in the end. READ MORE »
