Fear of Being Lost.

13 10 2009

lost

I have this gut wrenching, can’t breath, I’m sweating my Dominican Blow out out,  oh my god I’m gonna die panic attack every time I get lost.  Or feel like I’m going to get lost.  It started when I was a wee one.  I was so gun ho about joining the Girl Scouts in elementary school until the night before our first troop meeting.  That’s when I told my mother “I don’t wanna do it. I’m scared I might get lost and never come back”.  Instead of her encouraging me to be bold and adventurous she just sighed and said ” Fine don’t do it”.  Ahhh sweet relief! Or most recently the time I was looking for apartments in Stamford and got off on the wrong exit with my unpredictable GPS.  Talk about hair pulling.  I totally lost my shit until I managed to get the realtor on the phone to guide me street by street.

This  from a woman who has traveled the world.  Navigating Paris. No problem.  Riding the subways and gallivanting around London. Easy peasy.  Running around like a kid in Monte Carlo with their amazingly maze like streets. Totally simple!  But let me have to drive to the airport  in NYC and I’m almost in tears.  I don’t get it.  The things that are supposed to be simple have me breaking out in cold sweats.   And I’m about to go through it again.  This weekend I’m heading to La Guardia to catch a flight.  I’m panicked beyond belief!  What if I miss my exit and pass the airport? Will I find my terminal on time? What if I park in the wrong lot? What if I can’t find my car when I come back?  Crazy right?  These are the thoughts that run rampant through this head of mine and leave me paralyzed with travel fear.

Does anyone else have a fear of being lost or am I the only one suffering from Mazeophobia?

Don’t judge me lol.


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Categories : Europe, Health, Travel, Writing

Ex Lovers Always Come Back

15 08 2009

ex lover

Ever had an ex-lover try to come back?  Sometimes the break up was mutual because you both needed time & space to figure things out.  Or you gave that person an ultimatum and they finally realized how awesome you are and  came running back.  But those examples are not my situation.  Oh no!  My ex is the verbally abusive, put people down, I’ve paid my dues so I’ll say and do what I want wack job that is trying so desperately to lure me back into his dungeon.

This month makes a year since I left him (Check out my earlier posts to get the scoop for all you new lovely readers).  It’s been a year of family, friends, work & peace.  I haven’t been dating nor did I feel like it while allowing my heart to mend.  Then three weeks ago my phone rings.  I’m sitting in my room putting clothes away.   As I grab  my cell phone I cringe as the ex-fiance’s name & number pop up on the screen.  I press ignore and send him to voice mail.  He calls back.  This happens about four times but I know him.  He’s a relentless little fucker and will not leave word.  No, he want something.  I let out a long breathy sigh, roll my eyes to the ceiling and answer:

Me: Hello

Ex: Hey, wow didn’t think you were gonna pick up

Dead silence as I grow more & more irritated by the sound of his voice.

Ex: Anywho I was just wondering if you were as miserable without me as I am without you?

Cue screeching halt sound

Me: The fuck?  No. Actually I’m the happiest I’ve been in years.  My life fucking rocks!  So no I’m not miserable.  Please don’t call me anymore.

Ex: Hey so I finally bought that new house we always talk about. I just sent you an email with about 20 pictures.  Wish you were here babe.  I really miss you.  I even have your wedding dress hanging in the closet.

Me: Why would you do that?  Listen, congrats on the new house.  Lovely I’m sure.  But why are you calling me?  I’ve had nothing but peace of mind since leaving you and I intend on keeping it that way.

Ex: I want you back.  I think we could really make this work.  We just need to fine tune some things and we could really have the great life we both wanted.

Me: Does this great life include you cheating when you can’t get your way again?

Silence…

Ex: I’ve dated a few women since you left(totally not answering my cheating question) and none of them gave a shit about me.  They just wanted my money.  But you really loved me.  Did I ever tell you thank you for my first birthday we had together?  You went all out babe.

Me: Yeah it set me back $2000.00 but I thought you were worth it at the time.

Ex: Well, thank you for that.  It was my best birthday ever.  Listen…

Me: No you listen…I gotta go.  I feel nothing for you anymore and I’ve happily moved on.  So please just leave me alone.

Silence….I hang up.

But he hasn’t left me alone.  He calls at least 3 times a week!  Each time leaving messages on how much he wants me back.   Or he’ll call from a unknown number and I’ll pick up not knowing it’s him.  Sometimes I’ll talk to him briefly just to rub it in his face how great I’m doing without him.  But he won’t give up! I’m applying to schools for my medical program. He’ll pay for it if I move back to California and try to make things work.  He’s coming to New York in 2 weeks for business and is begging to see me.

Now him paying $40,000 for my schooling is very tempting lol, but a bank loan will cost me less in the end if you know what I mean.  Him coming to NY is a little strange because he’s never had business on the east coast before.  I’m afraid that if I agree to do lunch or whatever he’d hurt me.  He’s never physically hurt me but I  know how vengeful he can be and it wouldn’t surprise me.  I keep thinking he’ll hire a hit man to take me out right before my first sip of wine at lunch.  I dunno maybe I’m over thinking this.  He just….still scares me.

Don’t really know how to handle this situation anymore.

Ever went back to an ex and wish you hadn’t?  Does your ex still call you asking you to take him/her back?

Till next time…


Comments : 6 Comments »

Categories : Health, Love, Relationships, School, Sex, The Ex Files, Writing, money

Engaged After 6 Months

9 06 2009

engaged3

No not me! Not by a long shot.  I’m not even dating.  I just got news that a guy friend from L.A. has proposed to his girlfriend of 6 months.  They went to high school together like 10 years ago but were never friends.  Is it just me or is this shit weird?  I don’t know.  6 months is NOT a sufficient amount of time to get to know someone.  Shit the ex-fiance and I were together for more than 2 years and turns out I still didn’t know him well enough.  I want to be happy for my friend yet I want to tell him to be a fucking realist.  OK that’s harsh.  I know.  Maybe I’m a little bitter…maybe.

It just does not make sense.  No matter how many times I try to wrap my big head around the concept of proposing after 6 months I can’t. Just. Does. Not. Compute.  Strangely enough one of my best friends thinks I’ll be married by next year.  He just has that feeling.  Ummm I’m not even seeing anybody and as much as I have been hurt I doubt I’ll be married by next year. Though I secretly hope I’ll have a great relationship with someone amazing.

Then this scary thought creeps into my head.  We’re getting older and I know for myself day by day the things I want and need become clearer.  I no longer accept nor reward bad behavior.  I’m more comfortable in my skin.  I’m more comfortable all around really.  So maybe that’s the key.  Being comfortable with yourself and the other person.  Maybe that’s what they have.  Comfort. I always thought love had to be this grand, passionate, emotional…thing.  Now I just want to be happy, loved, needed and respect by the person I’m with.  No need for trips around the world, or expensive jewelry, shopping sprees etc..these were what made up my last relationship and I was damn near miserable because he didn’t respect me.   Nope no more grandiose shit for me.  Just be real and cool and lovely. I hope my friend has that and everything else he wishes for :)

Have you been engaged after a short time dating?  Did you marry that person?  Has it lasted?

Till next time…


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Categories : Uncategorized

Home, Work & Fun

8 06 2009

new town

I know that I have been missing in action but I really wanted these past few weeks to settle myself.  I wanted to feel the joy of finally living in my new place and keep it to myself  for a while.  I love coming home, throwing down my purse, kicking off my shoes, pouring a nice glass of wine and getting mentally lost watching HGTV.  My new place is beyond fabulous!  Not just physically but how I feel when I walk in.  I love just sitting at home and taking in the peace and quiet. I haven’t had that in almost a year and I cherish this time tremendously.  My friend/roommate and I have varying schedules.  I work ALOT of overtime so I’m usually gone by 7am and home by 7pm and he works long hours and is on call at the hospital several days a week.  It works out perfectly.

Work. Oh work has gotten 80% better. I took my vacation 2 weeks ago and when I got back I was informed that I was still in the same department but I would be answering to a different supervisor.  Apparently they held a meeting while I was away and my new supervisor demanded I be on his team.  You see my old supervisor was dealing with alot of personal issues ( her father just passed away, she’s divorcing etc…) and alot of her negative energy was targeted at me and others.  They knew I was at my breaking point and I was “thisclose” to calling it quits.  I really think they feared I wouldn’t return from my vacation lol.  But as I sat at my desk that Monday morning new supervisor ran in with the biggest smile on his face and said ” Your with me now.  No more CR.  I wanted you.  You do great work. I really wanted you”.  I cannot even put into words the amount of stress that was lifted from this little body of mine.  Now when I go into work I feel confident, I haven’t fucked up once and I leave with a smile EVERYDAY.  It’s amazing how other people’s negativity can impact your sense of self so deeply.

And fun.  These past two weeks have been the most fun I’ve had in a long time.  I’m enjoying walking around my new city.  Hitting the beach with my roomie and catching up with old friends.  Once a month a few girlfriends and I have a ladies night.  Since everyone is a little strapped for cash we decided to hold it at my new place.  We had a ball!  I haven’t laughed, eaten and drank so much in a long time.  Everyone brought a dish or drinks and we just talked, danced, took pics and down right acted a god damned fool until 2am.

With all I’ve been through in the past year I would tend to forget how pleasurable life can be.  That it’s OK to come off of survival mode and allow yourself to just live in the what-ifs.  These two weeks have been such a joy and I’m really hoping it lasts.

Till next time…


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Categories : Career, Finances, Love, Networking, Relationships, money

Moving To A New Town Baby!

12 05 2009

living alone

I am finally moving out of my family’s home.  A great friend from L.A. and I have been searching for the perfect place for months. Last sunday we finally found it.  A sweet oversized 2bed. 2 bath condo in dowtown Stamford, C.T.  It’s walking distance to all the wonderful night life but situated on a tree lined quiet street.  We have the top floor so there will be no clack clack clacking above our heads. Oh the joy.  The pure, giggly, can’t stop breaking out in random dance moves ( my co-workers think it’s funny) joy I’m feeling about finally living like an adult again lol.

So my friend/roommate and I have this new saying.

“When I move to Stamford”…

We have all these fun to do things like visit all the art galleries, hit the beach since it’s about 2 miles away, head out to NYC more, seeing if we can drunk walk home  as we are only 4 blocks from the main strip etc…  Oh and the absolute best is he is giving me free reign to decorate our new digs.  He knows how important it is to me since I feel like I haven’t had a place to call “my own” in years. 

So we move in on the 22nd of this month which happens to be the first day of my vacation.  Talk about great timing.  Now I won’t feel rushed or anxious to clean the place and get it in order.  I can take my time and introduce myself to our new space.  Let it know that I will take good care of it and in return hope it takes good care of us.  Home should be a place of fun, laughter, joy, peace and rest. 

Very much looking forward to living that way again :)

Till next time…


Comments : 1 Comment »

Categories : Finances, Health, Love, Relationships, Travel, money

Work…It Just Keeps Getting Worse.

28 04 2009

failure1

I’m tired.  I feel defeated.  Today had to be one of the worst days at work.  Every day I walk in I feel like a failure.  Granted what I do now is a very small part of what I have done in my field for almost 10 years.  But somehow things at work are just not clicking.  I’ve always excelled and been promoted quickly at previous jobs.  Even when I had my own business I was successful doing it on my own.  

But at this company:

I make little mistakes.

I feel clusmy & am constantly second guessing myself.

I hate it.  Simply hate it.

From day one it was instilled in me from my supervisor to fear the “higher ups”.  When they bark you come running.  No seriously you better run! Never have them explain anything just try to figure it out.  My supervisor lives in this constant state of flighty fear and it makes the office so uneasy.  Making fear based decisions is something that I am working on overcoming and this job damn sure isn’t helping that.  I feel like I’m living inthe movie  ”The Devil Wears Prada” EVERYDAY.

It sucks because everyday I go in with my game face on, a good attitude and positive thoughts that I will not fuck up today.  But somehow I fuck up.  I’m balancing over $150k and I’ll be off by 20 cents!  It can take hours to find that damn 20 cents.  Or I’ll refer something to my supervisor and it mysteriously goes missing.  This job  has me so depressed and beat by 5pm.  So by the encouragement of my family, friends, head & heart I will be sending out my resume again. 

Until something better comes along I’ll continue giving it my best.  As long as the checks clear.


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Categories : Career, Finances, Health, Relationships, money

Sometimes All You Have Is A Mattress

23 04 2009

mattress

I have just spent the past 20 minutes looking at Los Angeles apartments on craigslist.  Even though I’m back in New York it’s just something I do as a reminder that I have to finish what I started here to get back there.  I look at the old neighborhoods I’ve lived in and frown as I look at the spike in rentals.  I lived in a gorgeous pre-war 1 bedroom in the Miracle Mile area in 2006-2007 for $1050/month.  Something like that now goes for well over $1800! It’s a reminder to get my butt in gear so I can at least afford to live in my old stopping grounds.

 

While looking at these listings it reminded me of a man I had met when I first moved to Southern California.  He was actually the mover that moved me from Santa Monica to Miracle Mile.  He was beautiful.  Just handsome. Blond hair, blue eyes, tall with a swimmers body.  He was just an all around nice guy who liked me a lot.  I remember the first time I went to his place.  It was a run down little building on the east side where he rented a room for $400/month.  I remember how proud he was to show it to me.  You see before he had this room he was homeless.  Living in his van or on the beach.  He even confessed to agreeing to be some rich mans boyfriend just to have a roof over his head, even though he wasn’t gay.  His life in L.A. had been rocky but he was so grateful for his little room.  I eyed that room.  The mattress on the floor.  The dingy carpet. The bathroom where he washed himself and the dishes since he had no kitchen.  I tried not to judge him.  I didn’t know his story.  But I couldn’t help thinking “who’d be proud to live in this”? 

 

But I get it now.  I am literally starting over since leaving L.A.  I’m far from homeless since I live with my family again but I don’t have my own space.  There is constant noise and just way too many adults & a two year old living in a small space.  I am however in the process of moving out on my own again.  But in the meantime I’ll keep looking at these rentals reminding myself that I’ll be there again someday…soon.

 

 

Ohhhh what I wouldn’t do for a $400 a month room lol.

 

Till next time…


Comments : 1 Comment »

Categories : Career, Finances, Health, Love, Relationships, Writing, money

90 Day Sex Fast **Update**

21 04 2009

closed-legs41

Today is day 90 of my 90 day sex fast!  I am so overjoyed that I did it.  I’ve proven alot of things to myself throught this experience.  I’ve proven that I can complete something. Especially because I feel like I haven’t had a good foundation for the past few months.  It has also proven that the men worthy of me will stick around even when they know they are not getting any.  And they have stuck around.  Of course there was the occasional “I’m gonna try to change your mind”. But after they knew I was unmoved in my decision I had their 100% support.

The past 90 days haven’t been as tough as I thought they would be.  I was still allowed to get myself off ;) so I wasn’t missing sex too much.  Now that my 90 days are up I’m actually in no rush to hit the sheets again.  It would take a SUPER HOT guy to get me to give up the goods on a whim lol.  Like  ”this may never happen again” HOT. 

I just feel really good everyone.  I feel whole. Clean. Accomplished.  Just down right lovely. 

So I’m not putting a time limit on continuing this fast.  I’ve already proven that I can do it. I’m really enjoying keeping these long luscious legs closed. I’m  just going to take it day by day. 

Till next time…


Comments : 4 Comments »

Categories : Health, Love, Relationships, Sex, Writing

Career Fear

15 03 2009

interior-design4

So I’m scared. There are a few moments in my life where I’ve acted out of fear. I dropped an honors English class because I was the only student of color and felt uncomfortable. Even though I scored an 11 out of 12 on my placement test and was personally asked by the head of the English department to enroll in the honors program.  Or the time I wanted to get my bachelors in theatre and had the dean of one of the best theatre schools in New York call me for an admissions interview because he saw me in a play and was highly impressed. I didn’t call him back. Out of fear that I’d wouldn’t be as good as he remembered.  I’ve blocked my blessings out of fear.  Stunted my growth out of fear.  I find myself doing it again. 

 

When I moved back to New York 6 months ago I had and still have every intention on moving back to Southern California within the next 3 years.  I’m giving myself this 3 year timeline because I’m changing careers. This career change requires me to go back to school which I am completely ok with.  But I’m picking a career that I’m not in love with. Once I’m done with schooling and my residency I’ll be sitting pretty financially but I have no passion for it.  I think that being just around the corner from turning 30 and this country’s financial meltdown has me picking money and stability over loving what I do.

 

I desperately want to be in a creative field.  I love acting, art (oh how I miss my African art business) architecture, interior design.  Those things are like second nature to me. I wake up every morning and the first sites I’m on are  http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/or http://www.hgtv.com/   My dream job is hosting an interior design show.  Or designing for hotels and homes. I want to paint things and build things with my hands! I day dream about it while sitting at my desk at work and catch myself smiling at those thoughts when I should be concentrating on our patient accounts. But I fear for my financial well being if I choose a creative field.  I look in the mirror and could still pass for 21 but I KNOW I’m not a spring chicken anymore.  I feel like my days of being ambivalent about how I want my life to be are over. It’s a bit terrifying really. 

 

How I wish I could stop doing things out of fear L

 

Are you doing what you love?  Are you happy or regretful in it?

 

Love & Light


Comments : 9 Comments »

Categories : Art, Career, Finances, Love, School, Writing, money

On A Sex Fast

16 02 2009

couple-in-bed

Today is day 25 of my sex fast.  I had decided weeks ago that this is something I needed to do for myself.  I’m no longer interested in casual sex.  Never really was.  I always felt empty afterwards.  Not like in a “I feel used” empty but rather a “I wish he’d get up and leave so I can go on about my business empty”.   Unless I’m in love I am quite detached when it comes to sex.  It’s basically just a release to me.  Sometimes I feel like a dude when it comes to sex.  Like I just wanna get my nut off and homeboy can bounce before I get out of the shower.  I don’t know why I’m like this.  Most women want to cuddle and chat afterwards.  Not me.  It is very rare that I’m in the afterglow after reaching orgasm. 

So, I thought a sex fast would do me some good.  Partly because I’m bored with feeling nothing afterwards.  I like sex ALOT.  But I miss having a connection with a partner.  I’m also holding out for the real thing as far as relationships.  My life is progressing nicely and though I’m not quite ready for committment I’d like to take baby steps towards it.  When I think of my next relationship I’d really like to be with someone who wasn’t whoring it out right before he got to me and I want to be the same way for him.  Whoever he may be. 

Two weeks ago I spent the weekend with a friend/lover.  We did nothing sexual. Not even a kiss.  He understands where I’m coming from and is just enjoying my company.  After a fun filled friday I was pooped and went to bed before him. When I woke up in the middle of the night he was nuzzled behind me spooning me tightly.  That’s how we slept the whole weekend.  There was something so clean and beautiful about it.  He’s with me because he wants to be.  Not because he’s expecting to get the goodies everytime he sees me.  Unfortunatley that seemed to be the case with alot of men I’ve dated.  And I’m over it. 

What amazes me is now that I’m fasting for a minimum of 90 days old lovers seem to be coming out of the woodwork.  Like they are trying extra hard to get the goodies.  It’s damn near comical! But I know what I want  and it doesn’t include randome hook ups and empty emotions.  Wish me luck :)

Have you gone through a sex fast?  Are you holding out for the real thing?

Till next time…


Comments : 5 Comments »

Categories : Health, Love, Relationships, Sex, Uncategorized

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