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StephenAtHome

  1. I'm getting the iPad II because I'm an early adopter - in that I couldn't have one naturally.
  2. Charlie Sheen just set record for "fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers." Not his only speed record.
  3. In my last brain-freeze induced hallucination, I learned the hard way that there are a lot of things I won't do for a Klondike Bar.
  4. Now Jimmy Fallon is entering the ice cream market?! It was bad enough when I had to fight to keep my flavor from becoming AmeriConan Dream
  5. If Gingrich and Huckabee are off Fox News, how will they offer the full spectrum of opinion from far right to center right?
  6. Watch my show tonight if you want to see "Slightly Earlier Night with Jimmy Fallon!" I can say no more.
  7. Scientists say nuclear war could stop global warming. I don't know about that, but things will definitely cool off without all that skin.
  8. The iPad 2 will be released on March 11th. Of course, as a celebrity, I'm already using my complimentary iPad 7. The screen touches ME!
  9. I've always thought the obituaries could use more product placement. They can be "in loving memory foam."
  10. Step one for economic recovery is probably negotiating with the raccoons who've taken over our abandoned factories.
  11. @WisconsinResidents This is a courtesy tweet checking on the status of your refrigerator. I hope it is functioning properly.
  12. Sometimes a picture can say it all. Especially if it's a picture of the words you're trying to say.
  13. That guy from the New Yorker has been sitting on my coffee table for weeks, I kept meaning to get around to interviewing him.
  14. "I've Fallen and I Can't Get Off" is your typical geriatric porn. The action starts with the arrival of the pudding delivery boy.
  15. If more seniors get into porn, it may get more difficult to slow down sexual excitement by thinking of grandma.
  16. If poor people want more money, why didn't they have their parents work harder?
  17. An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive.
  18. Remember, art collectors: when you buy my portrait, I throw in the breast autograph for free.
  19. I’m sorry if you can’t make it to NYC to bid on my portrait. I hope in the future technology will allow us to hold auctions online.
  20. The Koch brothers don't want to be dragged into the light of day. That's why they work so hard to blot out the sun.