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StephenAtHome

  1. I'm getting the iPad II because I'm an early adopter - in that I couldn't have one naturally. 1:13 PM Mar 4th via SocialOomph
  2. Charlie Sheen just set record for "fastest time to reach a million Twitter followers." Not his only speed record. 8:59 PM Mar 3rd via SocialOomph
  3. In my last brain-freeze induced hallucination, I learned the hard way that there are a lot of things I won't do for a Klondike Bar. 8:47 PM Mar 3rd via SocialOomph
  4. Now Jimmy Fallon is entering the ice cream market?! It was bad enough when I had to fight to keep my flavor from becoming AmeriConan Dream 8:44 PM Mar 3rd via SocialOomph
  5. If Gingrich and Huckabee are off Fox News, how will they offer the full spectrum of opinion from far right to center right? 8:37 PM Mar 3rd via SocialOomph
  6. Watch my show tonight if you want to see "Slightly Earlier Night with Jimmy Fallon!" I can say no more. 6:34 PM Mar 3rd via SocialOomph
  7. Scientists say nuclear war could stop global warming. I don't know about that, but things will definitely cool off without all that skin. 10:02 AM Mar 3rd via SocialOomph
  8. The iPad 2 will be released on March 11th. Of course, as a celebrity, I'm already using my complimentary iPad 7. The screen touches ME! 7:47 AM Mar 3rd via SocialOomph
  9. I've always thought the obituaries could use more product placement. They can be "in loving memory foam." 8:47 PM Mar 2nd via SocialOomph
  10. Step one for economic recovery is probably negotiating with the raccoons who've taken over our abandoned factories. 8:39 PM Mar 2nd via SocialOomph
  11. @WisconsinResidents This is a courtesy tweet checking on the status of your refrigerator. I hope it is functioning properly. 8:35 PM Mar 2nd via Futuretweets V2
  12. Sometimes a picture can say it all. Especially if it's a picture of the words you're trying to say. 12:12 PM Mar 2nd via SocialOomph
  13. That guy from the New Yorker has been sitting on my coffee table for weeks, I kept meaning to get around to interviewing him. 8:56 PM Mar 1st via SocialOomph
  14. "I've Fallen and I Can't Get Off" is your typical geriatric porn. The action starts with the arrival of the pudding delivery boy. 8:46 PM Mar 1st via SocialOomph
  15. If more seniors get into porn, it may get more difficult to slow down sexual excitement by thinking of grandma. 8:42 PM Mar 1st via SocialOomph
  16. If poor people want more money, why didn't they have their parents work harder? 8:36 PM Mar 1st via SocialOomph
  17. An apple a day may keep the doctor away - but all these Macbooks are getting expensive. 7:07 AM Mar 1st via SocialOomph
  18. Remember, art collectors: when you buy my portrait, I throw in the breast autograph for free. 8:51 PM Feb 28th via SocialOomph
  19. I’m sorry if you can’t make it to NYC to bid on my portrait. I hope in the future technology will allow us to hold auctions online. 8:46 PM Feb 28th via SocialOomph
  20. The Koch brothers don't want to be dragged into the light of day. That's why they work so hard to blot out the sun. 8:42 PM Feb 28th via SocialOomph