Doug was on vacation during the second week of September, so that’s why you got no Doug last week. But he was back this week, so here ya go.

By the way, there seems to be a few Herman Cain fans around here, so I’ll start you off with a couple on that topic.

From the audio files:

1) “…Cain takes aim at the Environmental Protection Agency, and he explains the reality. The left will say you’re crazy for saying something like this, [but] this is one of the signs of sanity when you describe the EPA the way Herman Cain has described it…”

2) “…[Herman Cain] was the only one who really outlined what he would do with the tax code. And I don’t know why the tax code conversation isn’t central to the whole debate…”

3) “…So if someone is really a narcissist… what does that mean? It means someone must control everything, including all interactions with others. The reason they have to do this is to feed their own sense of domination. Now Obama uses… 3 tactics [of control] that we see a lot: misinformation, emotional manipulation, and accusations…”

4) “…What she’s saying is what the left always says, which is that there is not enough redistributed wealth…”

More audio clips here.

And for those who would rather read than listen, gems-a-plenty:

1) “Herman Cain is my guy. I’ve finally said it in plain English. He’s my favorite. But the mainstream media will turn him into the second coming of Clarence Thomas.”

2) “Mitt Romney refused to call Obama a socialist. Something that is factually and demonstrably true. Does he, himself, fear being called a socialist because of certain policies that he likes?”

3) “The sooner Barack Obama is out on the lecture circuit, and the sooner he’s out there ghost-writing with a ghost-writer his new memoir, the better for all of us.”

4) “At some point, you start to say, ‘well, maybe Obama is completely incapable of self-reflection; incapable of considering the idea that he might be wrong about anything – whether it’s what to have for lunch or nuclear war.’”

5) “Obama spends time kow-towing to the Islamic extremists in the world, under the delusional idea that his words would somehow make them swoon into submission.”

6) “In his speech, Ahmadinejad was mad about the US history of slavery, America causing 2 world wars, using the nuclear bomb, imposing military dictatorships in Asia, Africa, and Latin America. Sounds exactly like Obama’s point of view.”

7) “Michelle is out there wearing $42,000 diamond cuffs. The Obamas should take my advice and think about firing their ‘personal shopper.’ There is a severe lack of taste going on here, along with a severe lack of in-touchness with ordinary people.”

8) “There is one consistent pattern we have seen with Obama’s policies in the Middle East: he always, 100% of the time, does the wrong thing, at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons.”

9) “These liberals won’t recede of their own accord. They only recede because we’re pushing them back.”

10) “None of Obama’s proposals are serious. He doesn’t mean any of it. All he means to do by any of these proposals is to use them as a device aimed at making Republicans look bad.”

See, it’s that last one that really gets me. The liberal media spends all this time talking about what Obama says in his speeches, and they quote the reasonable, inoffensive parts about “working together” and “putting party before country” and maybe some table-scrap tax cut, but he doesn’t mean those words any more than my cat means “imjsetfrkoewr” when she walks across my keyboard.

Barack Obama and communists don’t like college football. Just sayin’.

So, if you are Barack Obama, a communist, or just don’t care about college football, there’s nothing to see here.

I know. You don’t want to read anything else about the Troy Davis execution. But bear with me.

Everybody’s favorite filmmaker — if by “everybody’s” you mean “every idiot’s” — Michael Moore is so upset about the execution that he’s calling for a boycott of the state of Georgia.

My first thought was, “Promise?”

But the roly-polier-than-thou holier-than-thou director went one step further. Or two steps. Sort of.

He called for his publisher to pull his book, “Here Comes Trouble,” from Georgia bookstores. Then he said he would “donate every dime of every royalty my book makes in Georgia to help defeat the racists and killers who run that state.”

Yes, he said that he doesn’t want his book sold in Georgia, meaning no royalties from Georgia, and that he would donate those non-existent royalties to campaign against Georgia political leaders.

Governor Deal’s spokesman Brian Robinson issued a response:

“We think it’s cute that he thinks anyone in Georgia would buy his book, but if any Georgian does, I’m happy to double the royalties and buy a pack of gum for a charity of Michael Moore’s choice.”

I was never a fan of Nathan Deal. I might have to rethink that.

* The big news right now — CERN MAY HAVE OBSERVED A PARTICLE MOVING FASTER THAN LIGHT!

I can’t believe anyone is talking about politics or the stupid economy when this is hanging over our head. This would completely destroy our understanding of physics. Do you know how many equations in relativity completely break down when you have a velocity greater than the speed of light. This changes everything!

Well, nothing actually changes. Physics is still the same; it would just change what we thought it was. And since most of you aren’t scientists and don’t really care about physics or understood relativity in the first place, it doesn’t change anything for you.

On second thought, forget this; it’s inconsequential.

* So, did everyone watch the FOX News/Google debate last night? It’s starting to look like we’re going to be stuck with that slimy weasel Romney. Intrade has him rocketing ahead now. He has so many vulnerabilities, but no one seems to be able to land a blow on that slippery little rodent. Perry tried an attack on Romney’s flip flopping, and he stumbled over himself so much it was absolutely painful to watch. It made me feel better about my radio appearances it was so bad. Oh, and then there was Perry saying people didn’t have a heart if they didn’t want to subsidize college tuition for illegal immigrants.

I just can’t stand Romney talking about what a “success” Social Security is — the absolute bloated mess that I’m forced to pay into and will receive nothing (and even if I did, it would be a pittance compared to if I were actually able to invest that money). It’s the worst example of the failures of relying on government, and he’s flying its flag. He’s worse than any Democrat on the issue, and I hate the idea he’s going to be the Republican standard bearer for four to eight years. How in the world is he going to do the entitlement reform we need with that attitude?

Of course, he’s probably lying about what he thinks about Social Security — same as everything else. Oh well; he’s electable and should bat around Obama easily.

I’m so dissatisfied with the current crop, I kind of want Palin to enter the race. I think she can win against Obama at this point, and she doesn’t suck as much as anyone else.

Or we could work on elevating Cain. He’s not a politician… which is great but also means he’s a little rough around the edges. But he’s smart; we can work on that if we all get together.

Maybe we could have a Palin/Cain ticket — PAIN!

* Amadinadoddledoodle — the Iran president guy (I’m tried of googling and cutting and pasting his name) — went in front of the U.N. and spouted crazy because that’s what it’s there for. Along with conspiracy theories, he talked about the twelfth imam (the one with three beards, two of them magical and one of them normal) coming to take over the world or something. The twelfth imam is also known as the hidden imam, because I guess he’s like hiding under a box or camouflaged or something. We should probably keep an eye out for him. Check your attics to make sure no imams are hiding there.

Anyway, the U.S. and a bunch of other countries walked out during Amadiddledoober’s speech, probably to look for that hidden imam. It’s like an Easter egg hunt!

* Wisdom of the Day: “Governor Perry losing debate with his own tongue.” -Ann Coulter

* Apparently chimpanzees don’t like to cooperate with each other. They’ll only work together if they get more benefit than working alone; otherwise, they like to be mysterious, loner chimpanzees. This is good news for us because it means there is little chance that monkeys will organize together to rise up against us. Also, since they don’t like to cooperate, we can probably put in seeds of doubt and cause them to fight each other, destroying themselves. So put that under our plans to eliminate monkeys. I hope the government has plans how to make every individual species extinct in case they become nuisances.

“When the sun is at its highest, we shall gather for THE LUNCHEONING!”

Now they’re doing a physics reboot. In the new version, faster than light particles are allowed. It will also be darker, grittier.

Facebook has always been weird and annoying to me, so I haven’t really noticed these changes people are complaining about.

A particle may have moved faster than light – why are we wasting time talking about the economy and politics?

Ad for new Transformers movies had critic quote calling it the “best action movie ever”. Is this a widely held opinion?

I think they were reaching too much with that quote. If they had a critic call it “passable”, I might have bought that.

So what’s a Google debate? They’re allowed to Google during it? About time.

SHUT UP BACHMANN YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ALL OF US!!! …Oh, guess I soured on her.

Ugh. I hate seeing normal people. They’re all so weird looking.

If I could just magically make one of the GOP contenders president, it would be Cain.

I’ll be willing to pay into Social Security and get nothing if my daughter can be spared from paying into it at all.

What’s Race to the Top? Is that on CBS?

Don’t force Romney to answer the question; it just confuses him.

Come on; let’s just give the nomination to Cain. He’s a diamond in the rough, but the others just suck.

Do we really need a president? How about after Bush and Obama we just give the whole thing a break.

Stupid Bachman believe magnets work on Mexicans. SHE’S SO STUPID!!!

Here’s how tired I am of all these people: I kind of want to Palin to run now.

Really; look how awful Obama is doing. 2012 is going to be a gimme to whoever we nominate. Can’t we find someone?

If I were president, I would come up with my own creative way to pronounce every country’s name.

If I wanted someone to defend Social Security, I’d watch a Democrat debate and hang myself.

No smart politician can defend Social Security as a success without being a creepy liar.

Perry’s attack on Romney made me feel a lot better about my radio appearances.

I really like Newt and would vote for him except for the fact that I hate him.

Gary Johnson killed his neighbor’s dog with a shovel?

I agree with Bachmann that probably anyone we nominate will win so let’s nominate the biggest right-wing nut we can find. I’ll have to remind you that I’m still not old enough to be president.

Wait… How much does the presidency pay and what’s the health care plan? And if things don’t work out, is there a severance package? I already know you gets lots of vacation time.

Okay. Enough politics. Time to beat the fifth temple in Legend of Zelda II.

Can’t we all just get together and tell ourselves Cain is electable and make him frontrunner?

Legend of Zelda II is very hard by the way.

Romney is such a dishonest weasel. I guess I should just be happy he’s on our side…ish.

* The nice thing about Obama is how he doesn’t embarrass us in front of other world leaders:

"I'm Barack Obama!"

Here’s a challenge for the left: Try find a photo of Bush in which he looks dumber than this.

* Troy Davis was executed yesterday for murdering a police officer who tried to stop him beating up a homeless man. This is a problem to some because lots of people who read news articles about him thought there was lots of doubt to his guilt (while those who actually sat through and ruled in his many many court trials apparently didn’t).

One problem of capital punishment is that it causes an odd segment of the population to laud and praise murderers while the victim is forgotten. You had people acting like Troy Davis was some spiritual guru, while even if you believe their story it just meant that Davis maybe didn’t murder Mark MacPhail and instead just stood around while his friend beat up and homeless man and killed the police officer (but of course, the multiple court reviews — including the Supreme Court — didn’t believe that).

These capital punishment controversies are always such tangled messes. Wish we didn’t have them. I guess easiest way to achieve that is for people to stop murdering so much.

* A white supremacist who murdered a black man by dragging him to death was also executed yesterday. Not a record protest turnout.

* Polls finally show a majority blame Obama for the U.S. economy. After a couple years and a few trillion, you do have to take a little ownership. But the good news for Obama is that if the economy takes off like a rocket, people will now praise him for it instead of just saying how great Bush was. And I’m sure his new proposal of $1.5 trillion in taxes will really get things moving.

* Rick Perry has been running on his job record, but a new report says that 80% percent of Texas’s new jobs went to immigrants — 40% to illegal immigrants. Well, that’s not great; our goal isn’t to help Mexico’s unemployment. Our goal is only to help Mexico’s drug cartels get guns.

* Ron Paul says he would consider putting Dennis Kucinich on his cabinet, so if you’re wondering what Ron Paul’s cabinet looks like in the alternate universe where he’s president and we all wear pants on our head, there you go.

Since this president thing isn’t going to work out in this universe where we wear pants on our legs, Ron Paul and Kucinich should consider getting together and forming a traveling roadshow where they sing and dance and do vaudeville and denounce overseas occupations. Sounds pretty entertaining. And I have a great tagline for it: “RON PAUL!”

* For some reason, Al Gore has announced that he knows the new iPhones are coming out in October. Is that what Gore is reduced to now? Trying to attach himself to the popularity of the iPhone? Poor Al Gore; I don’t think he has any friends.

* A study says that spoilers don’t ruin a story but actually enhance enjoyment. So I’ll help you with enjoying some movies:

Citizen Kane: Rosebud was his pet dog.
Planet of the Apes: The main character was dreaming the whole thing.
The Sixth Sense: Bruce Willis’s character was the one who murdered all those people.
The Usual Suspects: The police officer questioning everyone is Kaiser Soze.
The Empire Strikes Back: Darth Vader reveals it was Obi Wan who killed Luke’s father.
Soylent Green: Soylent Green contained corn syrup which just isn’t healthy.

* Wisdom of the Day: “Paraphrasing Mencken, liberalism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, is making more than a tenured professor.” -Jim Geraghty

* A bouncer was hired for an IHOP in East Villiage. You can look at the many flavors of syrup available, but NO TOUCHING!

Ah, hipsters.

Did Obama really say that “freedom from want” is a basic human right? What a dummy. I mock and deride him.

The Boise library should be one of the libraries doing Kindle ebook lending or they should take down their exclamation point. (For those who don’t live in Boise, the downtown library has a big exclamation point after its name. Everyone should know that.)

It’s useful to think of a growing economy as the Roadrunner and Obama as Wile E. Coyote.

So this Troy Davis case is different from other executions because the guy says he’s not guilty?

I’d be for outlawing the death penalty if we legalized torture.

I always shudder when I hear of someone being executed. But don’t worry; I’ll be fine.

I get the doubt on Troy Davis; I don’t get the people acting like he was the guy who heals people from The Green Mile.

If you were hoping for protests at your execution, yesterday was not the day to be a white supremacist getting executed.

Don’t you hate it when all is said and done, someone says something or does something anyway?

The Troy Davis case is like that. And it’s my turn. Again.

But, honestly, I think Frank has had his fill of this case, unless I read his Twitter posts incorrectly.

And maybe you have too. But, if not, I did post at my little blog.

I think Frank wants more teh funneh here. Let me see if I have anything from 1960s television to entertain you. More about that in a day or two.

* Those wacky Palestinians are still trying to appeal to the U.N. for statehood. Now even the French are like, “Cut it out you doofs!” Whether the U.N. sides with the Palestinians or not, this is all likely to end in violence… as does everything in the Middle East. Including the kite festivals.

Anyway, the official U.S. position should be we want fewer Muslim countries. Frankly, they just haven’t been working out well enough to warrant more of them.

* Eric Holder is talking about closing Gitmo — this time for real! It’s totally going to happen; it’s not just talk to rile up the really gullible left-wing base.

Come to think of it, Obama can still run on pretty much all the platforms he ran on in 2008: Close Gitmo. End the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan (and now also Libya). Turn around this horrible economy. End the incompetent, divisive leadership of the current president. Sucks to be the incumbent, huh?

* Have you been wondering where all that stimulus money went that did absolutely nothing to help the economy? OBAMA’S PEOPLE ATED IT! Yes, the Department of Justice spent $16 per muffin at one conference and had many other moron expenses people actually accountable for how they spend money would never have.

Hey, I know! Let’s take more money away from job creators and give it to these people! That’s an awesome idea! I should get a muffin for it!

* So Solyndra executives are going to plead the fifth. Great spending of half a billion on them, Obama! I wonder how much of that money went to muffins.

Of course, that’s not the worst of Obama’s scandals; that would be “Fast and Furious” where the Department of Justice (the expensive muffin eaters) allowed guns to go to Mexican drug cartels. Those guns have now been linked to at least 200 murders.

Now, all we need to do is find out that Solyndra spent all its money on guns for Mexican drug cartels while the Department of Justice watched and did nothing (other than eat muffins). That would combine this all into one super scandal so big even the New York Times would mention it… on page 16.

* It looks like Perry is slipping in the polls as Romney is only three points behind him in South Carolina. Man, I hate Romney. He’ll probably easily win against Obama, but he’s just such a weasely politician… especially on Social Security and entitlements. I only expect “meh” out of him… though “meh” would be a huge improvement from current conditions.

* In other polling news, Palin is polling within five points of Obama. I think Palin is a risky bet and I’m just not sure about her anymore, but man would that be hilarious to have Obama beaten by her. I would probably stop blogging as I’d just be too busy laughing for the next four years. Well, if Obama is so vulnerable anyone can beat him, I say go for it. Let’s have some entertainment.

* Got an e-mail with this subject: “Santorum is an idiot or a liar—doesn’t seem to grasp that the Founding Fathers put the natural born clause into the Constitution for a reason”. Yes the birthers are going after Rick Santorum and demanding he drop out of the presidential race because he said about Obama’s birth certificate, “My understanding is that issue was solved. If there’s evidence to the contrary [showing Obama is not eligible], they should bring it forth.”

Wow, those birthers sure are smart at picking important battles. It really seems like a great idea to spend a lot of time going after a presidential candidate no one is paying attention to. Are birthers part of some high-stakes irrelevancy contest I don’t know about? I assume their biggest competition is Obama himself.

So Leonard DiCaprio is playing J. Edgar Hoover… ‘s twelve year old son?