Jesus Wields a Nasty Spatula

I joined Sister Leah Kelley's Christian Domestic Discipline Forum awhile back, and I have to tell you, it's been a great blessing to me and OfJoshua.

Well, OK, not OfJoshua, she's been too darned busy witnessing to Mr. Garcia untill all hours of the morning. But Sheila the Milita Morale Sheep stepped up to take her place. I even made her a liitle spatula holder we can attach to her hoof.

We've learned a heck of a lot from the Head of Households and their property who post there. Sister Trude, for instance, discussed a problem I think all Head of Households encounter:

My dh and I added CDD to our long and happy marriage earlier this year. We had a couple of bumps along the way, mostly due to our lack of experience combining CDD and my dh's arousal during spankings. [Golly, I bet that hurt like hell] Some of the HOH in the Yahoo! group helped him understand that this is normal/natural and suggested that he try to separate that from the spankings. Mostly successful, so far.

Sister Audra finds Christian Domestic Disciple to be a great diagnostic tool:

The day that changed it was the first time he really punished me with a spanking and left a bruise.. actually many.. he was horrified and we had to really wrestle with our decision... but we decided in the end that this was the life we wanted to continue living. We later discovered that I was low in iron which is what caused the bruising, so now days I rarely ever have bruises! He realized, that I needed this in my life.. and he enjoyed the benefits.. :-)

Sister Gwen found the joy of submission in an unlikely place:

I was married for 40 years and one day it was just over and everyone thinks it was my fault, though I tried as hard as I could. It has been over 5 years, and just now starting to feel like I will live.

Recently I had an experience where I was mad at this guy I had been working with and maybe being somewhat bitchy? The argument got mean and I got mean and I started to walk off in a huff! Suddenly, he hit me right on my bottom and it really stung! I can't understand it but all my anger was gone, just like that.

Brother Nursetim wonders about pre-marital spanking and aftercare:

We have been looking a bit now for a place to discover the CDD lifestyle (her suggestion, my excited follow-up). It seems that only a small bit of a problem remains. The Spanking and the Aftercare? How do we incorporate that part while still dating?

Brother DDMS responds with a sermon on the sanctity of the paddle:

I would suggest....and I think most here would agree....that you would be better to wait to start the spankings and after-care until after the marriage. (Not saying a smack to a clothed posterior would be totally taboo.) But in my opinion, that's something that should be saved for married couples. For one reason, it is our husbands that God has instructed us to be submissive to. Plus, it has physical contact that I don't think the Lord would find pleasing until after marriage. And who needs another excuse to "stumble" in that regard?

Godfearing Heterosexual Supremacist Needs a Right Good Hetero Rogering

Peter J. LaBarbera
Americans for Truth

Dear Mr. LaBarbera,

I don't know if you've had the chance to meet the Anti Sodomy Association's Keith @GodsWordIsLaw, yet. He's pretty new to the Heterosexual Supremacist Movement, but I think he shows a bit of promise.

In his latest action, he protested what he believed to be public homosexualist sex at the Folsom Street Fair, by posting video of the act on his blog. Here's what he had to say about it:

SHOCKING! Homosexuals film depraved pornographic film in clear view of children!!

Then, he linked to the "pornographic film" which he had embedded on his website. The video was from something called Xtube.com. He removed it sometime yesterday. I don't know why. But, thankfully, he still links to it.

After watching the video, I think Mr. @GodsWordIsLaw made a mistake. There's nothing homosexual about it. It's just a bunch of naked bikers giving a nice blond fellow a right good heterosexual rogering.

It was probably a biker initiation ritual--or maybe it was just some kind of game where you try to push a naked guy out of a window using nothing more than your "Hard, Fleshy Staff of Righteous Domination". I don't know. You're the one with the large collection of leather biker chaps. You know more about these things than I do. In any event, it was the kind of clean, heterosexual fun in which we all engage.

I'm hoping you'll consider mentoring Mr. @GodsWordIsLaw, so he doesn't embarrass us by making the same mistake again. Heck, maybe the three of us could get together at the compound and show him what a right good heterosexual rogering is all about.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere:

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Time to Dig Up the Gipper

It's official. All our pleading and begging was for naught. Chris Christie is out. That leaves us Republicans with the most embarrassing slate of presidential candidates since 2008. I mean my God, we may hang tea bags from our tricorn hats, but, Jesus, do we have to pretend we support Gingrich, Perry, Romney, and the rest? It's damned demeaning.

I've been looking for another presidential savior all day. I had a good line on a big, mean, mangy dog, but his owner wouldn't agree to let him run. She worried Rep. Bachmann might bite him, or even worse, use her crazy eyeball emissions to shatter his psyche like she did with Rick Santorum.

Then, I remembered a Facebook campaign I launched during the last presidential cycle. I called it "Dig Up Dutch '08." My plan was to dig up our greatest leader, Ronald Wilson Reagan, and run his corpse for president.

The plan to dig up Dutch was very popular. People flocked to it. We quickly raised enough money for a shovel, but no one had a gunnysack. For lack of burlap, the OBAMUNIST USURPER is our president.

It's time to try again. I've renamed the Facebook group. It's called, "Dig up Dutch's Digits '12." Yeah, I said "digits". I'm setting my sights lower this time, so we won't need a gunnysack--a lunch pail will be enough. We'll dig up the Gipper's hand and sew it onto Fred Thompson' forehead.

Think about that for a moment--It combines the charisma of our greatest president's desiccated hand with the former senator's pure natural animal sexuality. We can't lose.

Here's the group's description:

A group dedicated to digging up our sainted Ronald Reagan's desiccated hand, attaching it to Fred Thompson's forehead and running it for president in '12. Face it, with our current candidates, the GOP will be lucky to pull more than 22% of the vote. Hand-Headed Thompson will make a great president. The Gipper's hand is just as alert as it was in 1980. Combined with Thompson's natural animal sexuality, the Dutch's Didgets are a sure winner.

So sign up for "Dig up Dutch's Digits '12," and if you think you can score a lunch pail, please send me a note.

Duct Taping Superman

"Waiting for Superman" hero Michelle Rhee is best known for such innovative education programs as "Booting Experienced Teachers for Fun and Profit" and "Test Scores: They're What You Make Them." But few people know about an earlier project she pioneered, "Ripped Lips: The Sound of Silence."

The Post's Bill Turque tells the story:

On one particularly rowdy day, she [Rhee] said she decided to place little pieces of masking tape on their lips for the trip to the school cafeteria for lunch.

"OK kids, we're going to do something special today!" she said she told them.

Rhee said it worked well until they actually arrived at the cafeteria. "I was like, 'OK, take the tape off. I realized I had not told the kids to lick their lips beforehand...The skin is coming off their lips and they're bleeding. Thirty-five kids were crying."

Ten Excuses from Brother Rick

The politically correct hippyoshpere is exploding in condemnation of Rick Perry simply because his hunting camp is named "Niggerhead." They say it exposes his racism, a hatred for the unheartlandishly hued he learned growing up in Jim Crow's favorite piece of Texas.

But Perry has hundreds of less sinister excuses for using that name. Here are just a few:

• "I was just trying to up my secessionist cred."
• "It's where I go to make execution decisions. It's a sacred place. You shouldn't sully it by attacking its name."
• "It was a typo, I meant to write "Nigrahead."
• "The name sounds "folksy." You like folksy, don't you? Or are you some kind of socialist?"
• "God told me He'd provide rain for Texas as long as there's a "Niggerhead" in Throckmorton County--it's gone now and so's the rain. You can blame tolerance for that."
• "We named it after that country in Africa."
• "As soon as I learned it was offensive, I changed it to "Jewboy's Nose."
• "Rappers say it. Why can't a good ol' boy who's executed nearly two hundred black men say it without being called a racist?"
• "God damned Herman Cain!"
• "I felt bad about owning a 'honky' tonk and wanted to balance my slurs."

Which Side Are You On?

Poet Nation- Terrorism is not a Religion - Hersi

Keeping Order

Department of Book Reports: The Art of Racing in the Rain in Hoquiam

I've got big news for Hoquiam! Next Wednesday evening, Garth Stein will be in town & will read and sign his books at the 7th Street Theatre at 7pm along with many other events around the county. Timberland Library is hosting Garth for their annual Timberland Reads Together program. Local folks can come meet Garth and get a book from us, and those of you reading along at home can order one & we'll get Garth to personalize it for you! The Holidays will be on us before you know it, and this would be a perfect gift! Just tell us how you'd like it inscribed in the "ask a question of the bookseller" box when you order, or drop us an email. In the 3 years this book has been out, it has become my all-purpose recommend, I have never met anyone who didn't absolutely love it, and I really cannot tel you how many people have come back and made a point to let me know it is now their all time favorite too!

The Art of Racing in the Rain, by Garth Stein (Harper, $24.95) Narrated by the big hearted Enzo, this story reminds us of the grace of everyday, the preciousness of each moment. “In Mongolia, when a dog dies, he is buried high in the hills so people cannot walk on his grave. The dog's master whispers into the dog's ear his wishes that the dog will return as a man in his next life." Enzo, watches everything, the untimely death of Denny's wife and the 3 year battle with his inlaws for custody of their daughter, doing all he can to keep this family intact. Heartbreaking and achingly perfect this book is really impossible to describe. Enzo is a dog who can explain what it is to be human.

This is a book I'm going to be evangelical about! Really. You must read this one. Yes, it's about car racing. Yes, it's narrated by the dog. Trust me here. There is plenty of heart in this novel, and a compelling story with characters that will stay with you long after the read. Don't forget the Kleenex™.

The Northwest Booksellers gave Garth the annual book award for his last novel, How Evan Broke his Head. That's another recommended read.

Garth has been busy since I last talked about his books, this past summer he got 36 authors to co-write a novel over a 4 day period at Hugo House, a Writer's Resource in Seattle. The Novel: LIVE! has some videos you can watch here and was given the finished title Hotel Evangeline.

In case you are wondering what the book with the puppy is about, this is a Young Adult version of the story, so that Garth could address some of the issues for younger readers.
These fine books are available at (Jackson Street) Books On 7th which has been open in Hoquiam for a whole year now!