PJ News Break for Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Rick Perry flush with cash, but flushing voters?
Herman Cain catches Romney.
Apple releases magically disappointing iphone 4S.
Plus Kobe Bryant and Marge Simpson have something in common, and
Johnny Depp suffers an embarrassment of riches.
It’s Wednesday October 5th, 2011, and this is news.

(2011-10-03) — PJ News Break with Scott Ott gives you a quick roundup of the day’s news with a generous helping of ScrappleFace on the side.

Scott Ott, editor in chief of ScrappleFace.com, now writes and anchors a satirical newscast on PJTV.com called ‘PJ News Break’. The pilot episode is now online. The show is slated to appear three times weekly.

Washington Post writer Ezra Klein says people can’t understand the Constitution because it was written more than 100 years ago. [YouTube Link]

(2010-09-10) — Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today repeated his frequent declaration that Iran’s nuclear program is for energy only, and promised the international community that he would reveal any future secret Iranian nuclear site plans as soon as he became aware of them.

“If the Islamic Republic were building a secret nuclear facility, I would tell you,” the Iranian leader said at a news conference. “If, instead of merely providing for our own electricity needs, we were actually secretly building nuclear missiles to wipe Israel from the face of the map, do you think I would not openly confess this before Allah and the world?”

Mr. Ahmadinejad also said he would give 60-days notice “before unleashing any surprise attacks on Israel using the missiles that we almost certainly do not have, to the best of my recollection.”

“We always tell the truth about our clandestine military activities to everyone,” the president said, adding that his government plans to launch a website next week to make public all of Iran’s nuclear secrets and covert military research projects.

(2010-09-06) — Buoyed by the success of his other stimulus programs in turning around the once-moribund U.S. economy, President Barack Obama announced today a $50 billion plan to fix up 150,000 miles of highway in order to save jobs and the environment.

The man destined to go down in history as the first ‘green’ president said today he would increase taxes on oil companies to pay for the road construction.

“This stimulus initiative,” the president said, “will put hundreds of collective-bargaining units back on the public payroll, while taking thousands of cars off of the road, due to construction road closings and the higher price of fuel. The end result: more jobs, less global warming. It’s a win-win.”

Due to the anticipated public reception of the Obama roads stimulus, the White House will reportedly announce next week a plan to increase taxes on airline tickets to fund a massive project to ‘re-fluff the clouds’, employing tens of thousands of unionized fluffers.

(2010-08-31) — Even though a new Gallup poll shows a generic Republican Congressional candidate up 10 points over a generic Democrat rival, the non-specific GOP hopeful today cautioned against overconfidence, and urged his ambiguous team of supporters to work hard all the way through election day.

“There are still a lot of voters out there who have not made up their minds,” the generic Republican said. “We need to reach them with my vague, yet hopeful, message that makes them feel good about themselves and their country for no particular reason. Most importantly, they need to know that electing me would be a smaller mistake than electing the other guy.”

The candidate, a former businessman, attorney or blue-collar worker, who overcame a hardscrabble childhood to graduate in the middle of his class from a state university, said his strategy of tying his opponent to Obama, Pelosi and Reid, has forced the generic Democrat to distance himself from his own party.

“He’s running away from their record,” the Republican said. “And we’re running on our record of pointing out the failed policies of Obama, Pelosi and Reid…and on our proven approach of repeating the names Obama, Pelosi and Reid every time we talk about my opponent, who is just like Obama, Pelosi and Reid.”

Explaining his plain-speaking, principled approach to campaigning, the generic Republican noted: “I just say what I mean, and mean what I say. People want to know what you stand for, because if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. And I stand for something. You know what I mean? That’s what I’m saying.”
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