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Layoffs Are Necessary If We Want To Keep The Lights On,' Says CEO Halfway Through Tasting Menu

PHILADELPHIA—As the fifth plate of his 10-course, $150 prix fixe tasting menu dinner was carefully placed on the manicured table in front of him, Kohl-Strauss Media Group CEO Tom Byatt reportedly told a colleague Tuesday that in order for the compan... more »
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No Matter How Much You Protect Your Kids, Sooner Or Later One Of Them's Going To Drown In A Swimming Pool

ISSUE 47•40 | 10.04.11 | Commentary

The truth is, there's only so much even the best mommies and daddies can do for their kids. Like it or not, it's only a matter of time before one of your children drowns in a swimming pool. more»
Sports Fan Digs Deep, Finds Something To Complain About

ISSUE 47•40 | 10.04.11 | Sports News in Brief

FRANKLIN, WI—Though the Green Bay Packers solidly defeated the Chicago Bears by 10 points Sunday, Packers fan Randy LaBelle reached into the depths of his being after the victory to bitch about the team's inconsistency when converting third downs and missed red-zone opportunities. more»
'Onion News Network' Season 2 Premieres Tonight Just In Time For The End Of The World

ISSUE 47•40 | 10.04.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

Brooke Alvarez is back in the FactZone bringing you the hardest-hitting new stories of the day, including live coverage of the Earth's destruction by a gigantic asteroid. Tonight at 10/9c on IFC. more»
Pep Talk Laced With Personal Threats

ISSUE 47•40 | 10.04.11 | Radio News
New Low-Calorie Sheep Bred To Combat Wolf Obesity

ISSUE 47•40 | 10.03.11 | Radio News
Smart Phones

ISSUE 47•40 | 10.03.11 | Editorial Cartoon
Occupy Wall Street Growing

ISSUE 47•40 | 10.03.11 | American Voices

Last week, Occupy Wall Street, the movement attempting to shine a light on corporate excess and greed, was joined by United Airlines pilots, Metropolitan Transit Authority workers, and Michael Moore. What do you think? more»
NHL Not Quite Sure Why It Has A Preseason

ISSUE 47•40 | 10.03.11 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—With the NHL preseason heading toward its conclusion, players, coaches, and managers wondered aloud Monday why they were even bothering with exhibition games. more»
Civilization To Hold Off On Having Any More Kids For A While

ISSUE 47•40 | 10.03.11 | News

PLANET EARTH—Facing what it called "a lot of uncertainty" on all six inhabited continents, the global civilization of the species Homo sapiens released a statement Monday announcing it would be "just sort of holding off on the idea of having any more kids for the time being." more»
Ryan Fitzpatrick

ISSUE 47•40 | 10.02.11 | Strongside/Weakside

After leading the Bills to a 3-0 record, this journeyman quarterback from a small, unheralded school has everyone's attention. Is he any good? more»
Longtime Coffee Shop Employee Thought Customers Would Care More About His Last Day

ISSUE 47•39 | 10.01.11 | News

DENVER—Barista Andrew Fulton was reportedly underwhelmed Friday by the customer response to his final day at St. Mark's Coffeehouse, saying that after his four years of service, he had thought patrons would be more emotionally invested in his departure. more»
Tim Wakefield Admits Knuckleball Just Fastball He Throws Very Slowly

ISSUE 47•40 | 09.30.11 | OSN GOOMF

It's time for the MLB playoffs at the GOOMF. Baseball reporter Jim Ridgeway joins the guys to get yelled at and explain that Tim Wakefield's knuckleball is just a hoax. more»
Father Who Messed Up Visitation Schedule Consumes Entire Dora The Explorer Birthday Cake

ISSUE 47•40 | 09.30.11 | Onion Review

Congress takes a group of schoolchildren hostage, Vice President Biden invites a visiting ambassador to check out the White House roof, and the 2011 newborns are the ugliest babies in thirty years. It's the week of September 26th, 2011. more»
Vick To Miss 4 Weeks With Hand Concussion

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.30.11 | Sports News in Brief

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the persistent feelings of fatigue, dizziness, and nausea in Michael Vick's non-throwing hand indicate the appendage is concussed, Eagles team physicians announced the quarterback will miss the next four weeks of footbal... more»
What Are We Putting Away For The Fall?

ISSUE 47•40 | 09.30.11 | Statshot
Top Rainy Days Ever

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.30.11 | Sunday Magazine
Great Players' Worst Games

ISSUE 47•40 | 09.30.11 | Sportsgraphic

Even the great ones have off days, as Tom Brady found out against the Bills. Onion Sports lists the worst games of the very best. more»
Triathlete’s Favorite Part Is All The Splashing As You Run Into Water

ISSUE 47•40 | 09.30.11 | Photo Finish
Burger King Introduces New Healthy Deep-Steamed French Fries

ISSUE 47•40 | 09.30.11 | News in Photos
Report: Diamondbacks Are Definitely In The Playoffs

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.30.11 | Sports News in Brief

PHOENIX—According to a new report released by the Elias Sports Bureau on Friday, the Arizona Diamondbacks are without a doubt in the 2011 MLB playoffs. more»
Bill Belichick Forgets About Loss By Relaxing In Bathtub Filled With Warm Entrails

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.30.11 | Sports News

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to relieve the stress of the Patriots’ disappointing 31-34 loss to the Buffalo Bills, New England head coach Bill Belichick reportedly relaxed at home Sunday night by soaking in a bathtub filled with warm entrails. more»
Insurance Costs Outstrip Wage Increases

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.29.11 | American Voices

The cost of health insurance premiums in the United States rose 9 percent this year, nearly three times the rate of increase seen in 2010. more»
Hostage Negotiation Talks Stall In Congress

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.29.11 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON— A congressional spokesperson informed the FBI that talks have stalled on the Senate floor and lawmakers will need more time to debate the proposed deal to release the group of schoolchildren they took hostage earlier today. more»
Asteroid To Destroy Earth

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.29.11 | Blog

Onion News Network To Broadcast Planet's Final Moments NEW YORK, NY (September 29, 2011) - With a giant asteroid expected to hit Earth on October 4th, the Onion News Network has announced it will continue broadcasting until the moment the planet is... more»
R.E.M. Breaks Up

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.29.11 | Infographic

After 31 years together, the Athens, GA–based band R.E.M. has announced it is breaking up. more»
Congress Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.29.11 | News

WASHINGTON—Brandishing shotguns and semiautomatic pistols, members of the 112th U.S. Congress took a class of visiting schoolchildren hostage today, barricading themselves inside the Capitol rotunda and demanding $12 trillion dollars in cash. more»
Red Sox Sell Out Of Commemorative "Collapse 2011" Hats, T-Shirts

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.30.11 | OSN GOOMF

Boston fans are reacting to the monumental collapse of the Red Sox in typical fashion: buying commemorative merchandise, flooding the streets and generally acting like awful assholes. more»
Brooke Alvarez Decides Who's the Worst Liar in Washington

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.28.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

Brooke gives her opinion on different lying techniques in Washington after a viewer asks her whether it's worse when Republicans lie or when President Obama lies. more»
Syracuse Leaves Big East For Woman Named 'Misti'

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.28.11 | Sports News in Brief

SYRACUSE, NY—In a hastily delivered statement from the passenger side of the young woman’s lime-green Hyundai Tiburon, Syracuse University announced Sunday it was leaving the Big East, the conference it helped create more than 30 years ago, for a 23-year-old exotic dancer and vodka brand ambassador named “Misti.” more»
Historians Politely Remind Nation To Check What's Happened In Past Before Making Any Big Decisions

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.28.11 | News

WASHINGTON—With the United States facing a daunting array of problems at home and abroad, leading historians courteously reminded the nation Thursday that when making tough choices, it never hurts to stop a moment, take a look at similar situations from the past, and then think about whether the decisions people made back then were good or bad. more»
Pediatricians Announce 2011 Newborns Are Ugliest Babies In 30 Years

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.27.11 | News in Brief

ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—According to a statement released Tuesday by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the babies born in 2011 have thus far been the ugliest on record since 1981. more»
Putin Moves To Return To Presidency

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.27.11 | American Voices

Former president and current prime minister Vladimir Putin of Russia announced at a meeting of his party that he would run for president again in 2012. more»
Your Horoscopes - Week of September 27, 2011

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.27.11 | Horoscope

Taurus There aren't many people who get as angry at a poorly made Manhattan cocktail as you do, making it very easy for investigators to figure out what happened. more»
Brutal Spouse-Fighting Ring Discovered in Miami Basement (Preview of Season 2 on IFC)

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.27.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

Beyond the Fact's Jean Anne Whorton uncovers the illegal blood sport of spouse-fighting, where shady gamblers bait disgruntled wives and husbands to viciously tear each other to pieces over their petty issues. more»
Twins Continue Clawing Their Way Down To Bottom Of Standings

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.27.11 | Sports News in Brief

MINNEAPOLIS—The scrappy Minnesota Twins continued to claw and fight their way down to the bottom of the standings last Wednesday, stringing together the league’s longest losing streak with their 11th-straight defeat. more»
New Viacom Ad Tells Employees To Go Back To Work

ISSUE 47•37 | 09.27.11 | Radio News
Brooke Explains Why She Has No Problem with Drunk Texting

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.26.11 | Onion News Network On IFC

Brooke discusses the value of drunk texting when trying to intimidate or freak out an old flame, but says that there are definitely instances when it should not be used. more»
Mauled At The Mall

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.26.11 | Editorial Cartoon
Gamers Succeed Where Scientists Couldn't

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.26.11 | American Voices

After trying for more than a decade to create a computer model for a protein key to the reproduction of HIV, scientists turned to online gamers, who completed the task in three weeks. What do you think? more»
Al Michaels Asks Cris Collinsworth If They Can Talk About Something Other Than Football

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.26.11 | Sports News in Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—NBC play-by-play announcer Al Michaels interrupted the broadcast of the Steelers-Colts game Sunday to ask color commentator Cris Collinsworth if they could talk about something other than football for once. more»
Biden Asks White House Visitor If He Wants To Check Out Roof

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.26.11 | News

WASHINGTON—Claiming it was "pretty fucking cool up there" and not to be missed, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly asked Estonian ambassador Väino Reinart on several occasions Sunday if he wanted to check out the White House roof. more»
Study: Most Self-Abuse Goes Unreported

ISSUE 47•37 | 09.26.11 | Radio News
What's In Our Go Bags?

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.25.11 | Statshot
Cam Newton Proving He Can Throw Football A Lot

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.24.11 | Sports News in Brief

CHARLOTTE, NC—With 83 total throwing attempts in the first two games of the season, Panthers rookie quarterback Cam Newton has proven to critics that he can not only throw a football, but can throw it a lot. more»
God: Human Body Not Designed To Play Football

ISSUE 47•38 | 09.24.11 | Sports News

THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH—The Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, made a statement Thursday in which He condemned the practice of human beings playing football, proclaiming He had never intended the body to suffer such punishment. more»
Public Bathroom's Condition Encapsulates Why World's Problems Are Unfixable

ISSUE 47•38 | 09.23.11 | Onion Review

The nation turns to our poet laureate for solace, General Mills releases a new line of Lucky Charms with 15% less leprechaun meat, and the first gay "Dear John" letters begin arriving overseas. It's the week of September 19th, 2011. more»
Buffalo Bills Don't Know What The Hell To Do With 2 Wins

ISSUE 47•38 | 09.23.11 | Sports News in Brief

BUFFALO, NY—Following their thrilling 38-35 week-two victory over the Oakland Raiders Sunday, the Buffalo Bills expressed confusion over what the hell they were supposed to do with their two wins now that they have them. more»
General Mills Releases New Lucky Charms With 15 Percent Less Leprechaun Meat

ISSUE 47•38 | 09.23.11 | News in Brief

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying that Lucky Charms is "as magically delicious as ever but now lower in magically saturated fats," General Mills announced Friday it would begin making the cereal with 15 percent less leprechaun meat. more»
Unemployed David Garrard Spends Afternoon In Local Coffee Shop Working On Passing Play

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.23.11 | Photo Finish
Being A Better Neighbor

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.23.11 | Tips

In the suburban environment, tensions can build over something as simple as an unraked lawn. Here are some ways you can keep the peace with your neighbors. more»
Indianapolis Announces Really Embarrassing Bid For 2020 Summer Olympics

ISSUE 47•38 | 09.23.11 | News

INDIANAPOLIS—At a press event held Wednesday in the main conference room of the downtown Hyatt Regency, Indianapolis mayor Greg Ballard publicly announced his city's thoroughly embarrassing bid to host the 2020 Summer Olympics. more»
Undefeated NFL Teams, So Far

ISSUE 47•39 | 09.16.11 | Sportsgraphic

There are still seven undefeated teams in the NFL, and as usual, they're not the ones you might expect. more»
Is Serena Williams Sexy Or Not? 'Get Out Of My Face' Takes On The Burning Question

ISSUE 47•38 | 09.22.11 | OSN GOOMF

This GOOMF is a mouthful of Sour Fish for Doc Brooks, who regurgitates a big hunk of Notre Dame and opines on the sexiness of Serena Williams. more»
Bill Gates Spends $56 Million On Amazon In One Night

ISSUE 47•38 | 09.22.11 | News in Brief

SEATTLE—With his wife away on a research trip for the Gates Foundation, Microsoft founder Bill Gates spent $56 million on Amazon in a single marathon session late Wednesday night. more»
Satellite To Hit Earth This Week

ISSUE 47•38 | 09.22.11 | American Voices

A defunct 6-and-a-half-ton climate satellite is scheduled to crash into Earth on Friday, though scientists can't tell exactly when or where just yet. more»
Obama Stumping Jobs Bill

ISSUE 47•38 | 09.22.11 | Infographic

Since announcing his American Jobs Act in a speech before Congress this month, President Obama has been traveling the country to promote the plan. more»

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