Oct
10
Posted at 23:08 by Sadly, No!
1. Unfrozen Caveman Columnist, The legacy of Steve Jobs:
Take it from a guy who just abandoned his typewriter: Steve Jobs was nothing special.
2. The backlash against the rich
Let’s not bicker over who caused what financial crisis.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Oct
10
Posted at 17:31 by Tintin
ABOVE: Robert Meyer Goes Galt With Jesus
Robert Meyer, Ruhnoo Muhrka:
Marginalizing Christianity by quoting Jesus
In fact, liberals, Atlas Shrugged was Jesus’s favorite book of all time.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Oct
8
Posted at 15:38 by Tintin
Shorter Stephanie Gutmann, America’s Shittiest Website™:
There’s Hope for These Occupy Wall Streeters!
Actually OWS is a good thing because it may encourage parents to send their kids to trade schools instead of college, which will, of course, eliminate unemployment among the young.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Oct
6
Posted at 22:22 by Tintin
ABOVE: Michael Medved
Shorter Michael “Mr. Pornstache” Medved, Clown Hall
Contrasting Executions
The only reason the media provided all that coverage of the execution of Troy Davis in Georgia and not the execution of Lawrence Brewer in Texas is that Davis was a member of the privileged Negro race and Brewer was a member of the oppressed white race.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Oct
5
Posted at 15:57 by Tintin
[Caption]
Shorter David Paulin, The American Genius:
Rick Perry’s ‘N-Head’ Problem and the Fourth Estate’s Hypocrisy
I don’t understand all the fuss in the press over “Niggerhead.” Nigger is just a word that can mean many things just like “venetian blinds” can mean many things.
Alternate Shorter David Paulin, The American Genius:
Rick Perry’s ‘N-Head’ Problem and the Fourth Estate’s Hypocrisy
The entire press is being hypocritical about this “Niggerhead” business because in the 1970s at a white conservative paper in Boston one person left a note for a black reporter saying “Nigger Go Home.”
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Sep
30
Posted at 19:37 by Tintin
ABOVE: Audrey Hudson (left, right)
Shorter Audrey Hudson, Subhuman Events:
Democrats Seek Deportation Relief for Gay Couples
If we don’t deport foreign gay partners of U.S. citizens, all the Mexicans will try to stay in the country by claiming to be gay-married and the burden that this will place on immigration officials will cause the entire system to collapse and we will be overrun by brown people, all thanks to the gays and their Democrat friends.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Sep
28
Posted at 19:38 by Tintin
Shorter Victorophon Davidoros Hyanseninthosocles, America’s Shittiest Website™
Obama’s Racial Crisis
- Obama speaks Negroese to black audiences to ooga-booga-ooo-eee-ah all these dim-witted monkeys into overlooking the fact that socialism hurts them most of all and that their real friends are in the Tea Party.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Sep
27
Posted at 22:16 by Tintin
ABOVE: Jason Mattera’s Most Productive Moment of the Day
Shorter Jason Mattera, Human Events:
Angry, Stoned, Clueless Leftist Mobs ‘Occupy Wall Street’
People who smoke weed, eat granola, wear Birkenstocks and have b.o. deserve to get pepper-sprayed and should stop all the effing whining about it.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Sep
25
Posted at 16:48 by Tintin
Shorter Jeremy Egerer, The American Genius:
How the Dual Income Destroys the Lower Classes
If women would just stop working, there would be no poverty.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Sep
24
Posted at 16:07 by Tintin
ABOVE: Hunk of Burning Love Scott “Hubba Hubba” Whitlock (right)
Shorter Scott Whitlock, Imam Muomar Al-Bozell’s News Blusters:
The Boobs at Nightline Investigate Breast Enlargement Epidemic in Venezuela
ABC News squandered the perfect opportunity to call Hugo Chavez a “cancer-ridden, brown devil” when they opted to call him a just a socialist instead. And what was up with all the shots of those huge Venezuelan lady tits?
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Sep
23
Posted at 21:17 by Sadly, No!
Ah, CNN photo caption writers:
Permalink
Sep
22
Posted at 20:54 by Tintin
Shorter Rich Noyes, Imam Muomar Al-Bozell’s Newsblusters
No Obama Softballs: MRC Study Finds Morning TV Hits GOP Candidates With Hostile Liberal Agenda
- What is this Fox News that you talk about? It is something on morning TV?
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Sep
20
Posted at 20:49 by Tintin
ABOVE: Dennis Prager
Shorter Dennis Prager, America’s Shittiest Website™
Why Young Americans Can’t Think Morally
- We need to start teaching religion in schools so that kids will learn that God wants their dogs to drown.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Sep
20
Posted at 1:22 by Tintin
Shorter Jeannie DeAngelis, Ruhnoomurka:
Can the bagpipes and catch the terrorists?
- The appropriate way to commemorate 9/11 is not having a bunch of weepy memorials; instead, we should commemorate 9/11 by invading a few countries and killing more Muslims.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Sep
16
Posted at 15:34 by Tintin
Shorter David Brooks, New York Times:
The Planning Fallacy
- Because it took the Israeli government eight years to change the high school curriculum in Israel, there is no way that the federal government can fix the U.S. economy.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*Cf.
Permalink
Sep
15
Posted at 22:28 by Tintin
ABOVE: Clay Waters
Shorter Clay Waters, Imam Muomar al-Bozell’s Newsblusters:
NYT’s Nagourney Disappointed in Lack of Reagan Criticism at Reagan Library
- Silly liberal! The Reagan Library is a shrine, not a museum.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Sep
15
Posted at 0:58 by Tintin
ABOVE: Ken Shepherd, Managing Editor, Newsbusters (left)
You would think that if your entire raison d’être is to criticize newspapers and other news media, even if (or especially if) that criticism was to demonstrate that every newspaper other than Rupert Murdoch’s White Street Journal was a nest of gay-loving, terrorist supporting, baby killing, gun-banning liberal feminazis, then you would want to have some grasp of elemental journalistic techniques such as how to write a headline. A working knowledge of grammar and syntax might also be helpful to stave off sarcastic and caustic retorts from elitist liberal nitpickers. Sadly, no!
Ken Shepherd, the Managing Editor no less, of Newsblusterers, came up with this headline, which doesn’t quite mean what he thinks it means:
Now while we might all agree that many conservatives, particular those of the persuasion that rapists have the right to father babies by the women of their choice, are woman-hating, we are not so sure Tina Brown is a conservative or hates women.
Managing Editor Shepherd fell asleep during Hyphenation 101 and meant to say “conservative-woman hating” Tina Brown, a large difference which is as unsupported as the idea that she is conservative or hates women. Apparently she hates conservative women because she has launched a foundation call Women in the World which apparently seeks to force conservative women to bear unwanted children — oh wait, it’s the conservative women who want to force that on other women. Shepherd also says Brown “hates” conservative women because she tied a conservative woman to that back of her car and dragged her for three miles said that the election of certain conservative women was a blow to feminism. Over at Newsbusters, disagreeing with a conservative is hate; suggesting that gays shouldn’t even appear on TV unless they are portrayed as dismal, dispirited, suicidal homos who can only save themselves by finding religion and the opposite sex is, of course, an act of love.
Permalink
Sep
13
Posted at 18:09 by Tintin
ABOVE: Selwyn Duke
Shorter Selwyn Duke, Ruhnoomerka:
When love was a warm toy gun
- The world would be a better place if boys could play with realistic* toy guns (but only with other boys).
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*Selywyn’s bout of la nostalgie de la boue is prompted by a video of a 1960s toy commercial showing boys playing with toy guns, toy mess kits and the like. Selwyn says:
Every toy gun in the commercial looks (gasp!) realistic; there are no sissified colors, no orange plastic piece at the end of the barrel.
The reason for this, however, has nothing to do with the actual toy guns but probably with the fact that the commercial is in black and white.
Permalink
Sep
12
Posted at 21:59 by Tintin
ABOVE: A speculative rendering of Robin of Berkeley based on a forensic analysis
of her blog posts.
Shorter Robin of Bezerkley, A Licensed Psychotherapist, The American Genius
What the World Needs Now
- I am sick to death of people — gays and blacks particularly — demanding their “rights.” Instead of talking about their rights, they should be required to spend one entire year calling their grandmothers and leaving small change on the ground.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
Permalink
Sep
11
Posted at 16:03 by Tintin
ABOVE: State Rep. Sally Kern (R – OK)
Shorter Sally Kern, Americans for Troof Against Fagosexuality:
Interview with Peter “I Was Just Researching Leather Daddies When I Found A Dick In My Mouth” LaBarbera*
- The gays have killed way more people than all Mooslim tehrists combined, and they will kill even more because they are making your three-year-olds gay.
‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies and perfected by Elton Beard. We are aware of all Internet traditions.™
*Cf.
Permalink
