OH FINALLY: here is this thing we briefly forgot about but will now post “for comedy” announcing that Samuel “Joe the Grifter Tax-Delinquent Fake Plumber” Wurzelbacher decided he is running as a Republican for a seat in the crappier chamber of Congress even though God begged him not to and Joe hates Republicans. Such a promising start! There are probably many other hundreds of delusional Americans out there running for Congress who have a frosty chance in hell of winning, but this particular washed-up Pajamas Media wingnut sleepover party sex columnist is still fun to mock because he is an actual worse fraud than a Nigerian prince scam email plus Santa Claus put together. READ MORE »
The fringe end of the Jesus people spectrum is still sore about the unholy existence of patron witch-saint Christine O’Donnell’s annual demonic pagan sex party “Halloween,” so they are heroically promoting a hilarious/doomed Internet campaign to put the “Jesus” back in “Ween” this October 31st. Everyone celebrate “Jesus Ween,” for the kids! Oh sure, it may sound like a creepy Ted Haggard joke, but no: Jesus Ween celebrants are called upon to surprise the costumed child-heathens’ outstretched candy pails with miniature Bibles, which we are guessing will rank right along with the travel-size floss the neighborhood dentist is always giving out. How about a fun “Jesus Ween” commercial, after the jump! READ MORE »
American Spectator assistant editor Patrick Howley is busy making himself famous on the Internet today as the kind of right-wing village idiot who shows up to “do a jernalizm” on one of these Washington, D.C. protest thingamaboobers and inadvertently ends up getting himself pepper sprayed by a security guard while running an improvised one-man mission to storm the Air and Space Museum, because he is inept. But this simply will not do, for his super-scoop conservative news break about how lefty protesters are awful, so Howley’s version of the antiwar march organized by the group October 11 instead claims that he “infiltrated” the protesters (by showing up), who are by the way a bunch of tools who don’t know how to act like violent idiots unless Patrick Howley is there To Show How It’s Done. READ MORE »
Our FLOTUS had her fun last week, when she went for a casual walk through a Target store even though she wasn’t fooling anyone. Now she is back to her normal business, which means she is hanging out with her BFF Rahm Emanuel, shouting curse words at the fat children of Chicago’s food deserts. But between that and settling violent disputes between Sasha and Malia over who gets “Scott,” the Secret Service guy who probably most resembles Justin Bieber, our Michelle still finds time for the little things, like trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records. READ MORE »
The goons of the Iowa State Patrol of Des Moines spent last night arresting 32 peacenik “men, women, young people, senior citizens and a 14-year-old” after the Ocupados refused to leave the State Capitol grounds after the 11 p.m. closing time, for freedom. The Des Moines Register report mentions only that one protester was pepper sprayed, but a Facebook wall post on the Occupy Iowa page adds that “someone with his hands tied behind his back was pepper sprayed in the eyes and an ambulance came for him,” also for freedom (and good police fun). More details from this “not-reported by any of the news sources we can find” mace-to-the-face hilariousness after the jump! READ MORE »
Pizza shill vanity campaigner Herman Cain has inexplicably not yet exhausted his six seconds of GOP presidential field relevancy, so we must listen to him doing this thing… speaking in tongues here, in an interview, in a dark cave? “UBEKI BEKI BEKI BEKI BAH BAH STAN O BAN STAN SO WHUT WHUT,” he says. Hm, maybe it’s a sex magick spell, against Mitt Romney’s Moon Jesus? No, it’s some kind of teatard gibberish about how the country formerly called “Uzbekistan” is lame, because Herman Cain is a proudly illiterate fop when it comes to foreign policy issues and from now on anyone asking him Gotcha Questions™ (please make your twenty-three cent royalty check payable to Sarah Palin) about “the other countries on earth” will be harangued with a series of nonsense syllables for their trouble. READ MORE »
Nothing like joining your local Revolutionary Council of Neighbors and seeing what’s going on this nice autumn day. Things are going nuts (in a good way) from Washington Square to Wall Street, and in the growing Occupy DC party, and in a surprisingly huge Los Angeles campout/concert/protest/march on the banks. And there are hundreds of other local occupations around the country, many getting started on this very day. It’s a great way to not see anybody connected with Washington media or the White House or Wall Street, as they’re all hiding like rats from the sunlight. READ MORE »
It’s Yom Kippur, everybody! Happy solemn Day of Atonement! And in the “anti-day of atonement,” it’s also the 10th Anniversary of the Endless Fucked-up Failed Loser War In Afghanistan Against Who-the-Fuck-Even-Knows. Hooray for that?! Of course, the utterly random Afghanistan Occupation has been a huge success for the military contractors from Blackwater to Pepsi, and a massive WIN for the death-machine & drone industry. And we guess it has given otherwise unemployable youth something to do with their time, and also it’s been good for the global slavery business and opium trade. So, uh, bright side? READ MORE »
Watch out, American Jesus fans! According to a couple of wingnuts somewhere, the poop-snausage pizza you’re eating from the Papa John’s might’ve been sacrificed to the wrong Demon-God! W-w-whut? It’s apparently true! Jews and Muslims, besides both being Semitic people of the Hebraic traditions, also like to have their factory-farmed animals killed in the industrial slaughterhouse by undocumented Mexicans in special ways. It makes it taste better, we guess? But did you know there is a scary problem for American Jesus Christians when meat is “lawful” for the various foreign religions? Some random anti-Muslim evangelical and a noted crazy person on the Internet are both concerned about this problem! For example, the Costco is doing “backdoor Sharia” by, uh, selling slaughtered animals that have been blessed by the Ayatollah or something? Not Costco, jesus christ! READ MORE »
Weasel-faced corporate knobgobbler Scott Walker does not have enough hours in the day to strip the fillings from the teeth of Wisconsin public teachers and pensioners under his sanctimonious Kochsucker banner of “austerity measures,” but he still somehow managed to dig out $60,000 from the taxpayer piggy bank to buy scores of iPads for all the employees of the Scott Walker-created state economic development agency. Pay attention kids, this is how the new Walker corporate-puppet-dictator Loyalty Rewards Program works! READ MORE »
A new Pew Research poll shows that just less than half (46%) of Americans still stare off into space like drugged goats when asked to name even one, just one, awful Republican candidate for President, hooray! Despite the combined record-level 104 hours Americans spend each month at home consuming media/trolling Ebay auctions on the Intarwebs and melting their brains in front of the teevee sets, this according to the poll report is a fairly “normal” level of widespread ignorance/apathy compared to previous campaign cycles, with the important (?) caveat that this slim majority win for basic news literacy was cobbled together by adding up the pathetic recognition rates for individual GOP candidates that nobody likes enough to even remember by name. Sad hair clown Rick Perry “won” this contest out of the entire field with only 28% of Americans having any idea who the hell he is. READ MORE »
Mincing little twit Eric Cantor was all for a bunch of heavily-armed old white sociopaths showing up at Obama speeches and Town Hall meetings about, uh, denying health care to children and working people. But if a crowd of polite unemployed people camps out in a park to politely blog about income inequality, then watch out, it’s MOBS. The thing is, the mobs will come for Eric Cantor, sooner or later, but we’re still a long way from that point — and every shred of available evidence suggests that Eric Cantor’s own constituency will be the ones who pry him out of his Lexus or townhouse and coat his pasty nerd flesh with Tar and Feathers, like the real Tea Party did to that naked guy in the HBO adaptation of the John Adams biography. Anyway, Eric is all a-scared! READ MORE »
