Louisiana's Prostitution Populism

Gene Mills
President
Louisiana Family Forum

Dear Mr. Mills,

I know you're a big fan of both Sen. David Vitter and Plaquemines Parish President Billy Nungesser. And I bet you're proud that with Pres. Nungesser now in the race for lieutenant governor, Louisiana may be the first state in the nation to have two notorious whore hounds holding statewide elective office at the same time.

But one has to wonder, is this the beginning of a new tradition, or, like the Tea Party, is it simply a momentary expression of prostitution populism?

It's a good bet that the former is the case, given that the Republican Party of Louisiana, with Vitter and Nungesser, has already made patronizing prostitutes a requirement for candidacy.

But what are you doing to ensure that tomorrow's family values warriors are expressing their heterosexuality in an appropriate, free-market-based manner? Are you doing anything to identify and mentor the next generation of good, Christian prostitution populists?

Perhaps you could add a few new questions to your candidate questionnaire to help you spot potential up and comers. I'm thinking of questions along these lines:

• Q: Have you ever rented a hot and saucy helpmeet?
• Q: Do you enjoy having a hired woman, with a name like Mistress X, ram a burning alter candle deep into your secret parts?
• Q: Does marital sex for reasons other than procreation constitute a dangerous assault on the free market principles that made this nation great?
• Q: Can you effectively argue that yes, it is indeed possible to acquire anal warts from a toilet seat?

I think that's enough to get you a good start. Please drop me a note if you need further help.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Jesus Christ, Gymrat

Paul's chair-based "wave praise" proves, once again, that there isn't a Christian aerobics instructor in America who is more committed to the heterosexual lifestyle.



Jesus is almost as effective as meth.



John avoids the temptations of dating by spending all his free time pumping iron in his mother's basement.



Paul returns, bringing it home with some "Funky Praise."



As Paul says, "That's it, Mary."

"It's Scientific!" Communion Host is Body of Christ

I was conducting an intelligence analysis of the French news magazine, Talking Points Memo when I came across this photo of our brooch and sash wearing friends, The American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family and Property. You may remember them as the group who persuaded the Virgin Mary to disrupt a presentation of Jerry Springer: The Opera by sending a storm to cause a power outage.

I was blessed with a miracle as I looked at the photo. Suddenly, the holy mother appeared on my keyboard. She was tiny and semi-transparent, looking a lot like R2D2's holographic projection of the Princess Leah in the first Star Wars movie.

It was weird. She was doing this little YMCA dance on my "PrtScrn/SysRq" key--I always wondered what that was for--but she was spelling out "American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family and Property." Well as you can imagine, her dance took a long time to spell that out even once, and even longer before I figured out what Mrs. Christ was trying to tell me. You could tell she was frustrated. She'd stop every now and then, shake her head, and do that upward thrust of the fist while grabbing her elbow gesture.

Anyway, I finally made out what she wanted. She was telling me to go to the American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family and Property's web site. I followed her instructions, and, man, I am glad I did. She led me to a video that was prefaced with these words:

Please watch the entire video.
It shows that the Eucharist is Our Lord. It's scientific!

I watched the video, and I have to say, it is incredible. Apparently, someone had dropped the host, or communion wafer, onto the floor. A priest picked it up and then placed it in water hoping it would dissolve. It didn't. Instead, it began to bleed.

The wafer was sent to a scientific lab where it was found to be composed of heart tissue. Then it was sent to a medical examiner who determined that the heart tissue belonged to someone who had been beaten and tortured. But even more miraculously, the medical examiner said the heart tissue was still beating!

Imagine that. We have Jesus Christ's heart tissue. Personally, I think we should clone it. I know a human has never been created through cloning, but it's Jesus, dammit, we have to try.

At the very least, we should grow it on the back of a mouse or something. Think of the boost it'd give to the wine industry if we could replace grapes with pools filled with swimming mice.

Here's the video. See the science for yourself.

GOP Fights for Jobs for the Little Guy

While godless Obamunists continue their efforts to destroy the American worker by proposing infrastructure rebuilding projects, conservative state lawmakers are rolling up their sleeves and creating jobs by repealing inconvenient regulations.

Florida's Ritch Workman is one such legislator. Here's how he describes his bill to repeal a job-killing regulatory law:

It’s an archaic kind of Big Brother law that says, ‘We don’t like that activity.’ There is nothing immoral or illegal about that activity. All we really did by passing that law was take away some employment from some little people.

The "activity' to which he refers is called "dwarf tossing." It's a friendly tavern-based contest in which drunks compete to see who can throw a dwarf the farthest. The current world record holder is Guinness enthusiast, Jimmy Leonard, who threw "Lenny the Giant" 11 feet and 5 inches to win the 2002 British Dwarf Tossing Championship.

Although, Rep. Workman's bill is expected to create as many as a dozen new jobs for Florida citizens, there is some concern that Dwarf Tossing's return may reduce NASCAR, truck pull, and cage fighting attendance. But then, I guess that's the marketplace's invisible hand at work.

Eclectic Sunday: Jesus Punches a Hippy

Eclectic Sunday is a continually updated post about whatever strikes my or my Inner Frenchman's fancy.

Jesus Punches a Hippy

Pepper Spray Artist, Deputy Inspector Anthony Bologna, turns his back as Our Lord and Savior prepares to punch a handcuffed hippy (via BagNewsNotes).



My Inner Frenchman dedicates this great cover to the people at Occupy Wall Street.



With Adidas's help, Iran prepares to kick our ass (via BagNewsNotes)



Remember when Nashville gave a damn about social justice?

Department of Book Reports: Autobiographies

We've had a busy week here in our little town. Garth Stein's visit & reading was a lovely evening, enjoyed by all attendees. Many thanks to our wonderful Timberland Regional Library for sponsoring this event.
I finally got the big old Neon sign going Thursday afternoon. I had 2 people in who said I saw the sign! I didn't know there was a bookstore here! On Friday, 4 people came in because they saw those shiny red letters. I want to get some shelving set up so that it is at the top of the window, but it's kinda tricky in such an old building.

Lately, I've been reading memoirs. What I had thought would be a bit of popcorn reading has turned out to actually have timely lessons.
Cecil Beaton was given his first camera at age 11, and preferred to use it the rest of his life. Son of a lumber and coal family fortune, this book could have been way too twee in anyone else's hands. Lavishly illustrated with his iconic photographs, this volume centers on his longtime love of Greta Garbo. His devotion is evident in every sentence.
Charlie Chaplin provides quite a contrast, being born into abject poverty and spent much of his childhood in and out of London's Workhouses before his stage work became popular. He remains acutely aware of class struggles and bristles when introduced to someone with the assurance "he comes from a very good family." Chaplin had no patience for the romanticizing of poverty and resented what he called Somerset Maugham's annoying nonsense. This is a great read, which much insight into old Hollywood. I'm going to track down more of his writings, especially the unexpurgated volumes that were published posthumously. It was his great desire that Hitler be laughed at which gives us this most timeless speech:

Jesus Wields a Nasty Spatula

I joined Sister Leah Kelley's Christian Domestic Discipline Forum awhile back, and I have to tell you, it's been a great blessing to me and OfJoshua.

Well, OK, not OfJoshua, she's been too darned busy witnessing to Mr. Garcia until all hours of the morning. But Sheila the Milita Morale Sheep stepped up to take her place. I even made her a little spatula holder we can attach to her hoof.

We've learned a heck of a lot from the Head of Households and their property who post there. Sister Trude, for instance, discussed a problem I think all Head of Households encounter:

My dh and I added CDD to our long and happy marriage earlier this year. We had a couple of bumps along the way, mostly due to our lack of experience combining CDD and my dh's arousal during spankings. [Golly, I bet that hurt like hell] Some of the HOH in the Yahoo! group helped him understand that this is normal/natural and suggested that he try to separate that from the spankings. Mostly successful, so far.

Sister Audra finds Christian Domestic Disciple to be a great diagnostic tool:

The day that changed it was the first time he really punished me with a spanking and left a bruise.. actually many.. he was horrified and we had to really wrestle with our decision... but we decided in the end that this was the life we wanted to continue living. We later discovered that I was low in iron which is what caused the bruising, so now days I rarely ever have bruises! He realized, that I needed this in my life.. and he enjoyed the benefits.. :-)

Sister Gwen found the joy of submission in an unlikely place:

I was married for 40 years and one day it was just over and everyone thinks it was my fault, though I tried as hard as I could. It has been over 5 years, and just now starting to feel like I will live.

Recently I had an experience where I was mad at this guy I had been working with and maybe being somewhat bitchy? The argument got mean and I got mean and I started to walk off in a huff! Suddenly, he hit me right on my bottom and it really stung! I can't understand it but all my anger was gone, just like that.

Brother Nursetim wonders about pre-marital spanking and aftercare:

We have been looking a bit now for a place to discover the CDD lifestyle (her suggestion, my excited follow-up). It seems that only a small bit of a problem remains. The Spanking and the Aftercare? How do we incorporate that part while still dating?

Brother DDMS responds with a sermon on the sanctity of the paddle:

I would suggest....and I think most here would agree....that you would be better to wait to start the spankings and after-care until after the marriage. (Not saying a smack to a clothed posterior would be totally taboo.) But in my opinion, that's something that should be saved for married couples. For one reason, it is our husbands that God has instructed us to be submissive to. Plus, it has physical contact that I don't think the Lord would find pleasing until after marriage. And who needs another excuse to "stumble" in that regard?