Funny/Sad Fred Karger Also Has Funny/Sad Campaign Merchandise

Oh, Fred.

See, last week I meanly referred to the bizarre presidential candidate as Fred "Fred Who?" Karger. Little did I know that "Fred Who?" is literally his campaign slogan! This is funny! And sad! And again, it leads us the wonder what the hell is Fred Karger doing?**

Remember how jealous we all got on Thursday when we saw that lucky, puzzled couple in New Hampshire receiving a special Fred Karger Frisbee™ from the man himself? Hooray for us, we can pretend it happened to us, too, by cheating and purchasing one ($20!) from his fantastic campaign shop. There you will also find Fred Karger notepads (WHY?), stickers, t-shirts and bumper stickers, all with the funny/sad "Fred Who?" logo, and all modeled by gay-republicany-looking young men. These items are the makings for a clever Halloween costume, except that nobody would get it. Just imagine:

YOUR FRIEND: What are you?
YOU: I'm a Fred Karger fan!
YOUR FRIEND: Fred who?
YOU: Ha ha! That's what it says!
YOUR FRIEND: No, really, who the fuck is Fred Karger?
YOU: [20-minute description of Karger's baffling and pointless run for president ensues]
YOUR FRIEND: Isn't that [OTHER, LESS BORING FRIEND] over there? I need to go talk to him.

OK, maybe not, then. The shop site does, however, contain one hilarious joke. They offer an ugly American/rainbow flag combo pin, and look who they chose to model it:

Now that is for real funny. Still kinda sad, though.

Oh, Fred.

**Here's my official guess: Fred is trying to become the "go-to Republican Gay™" for media appearances, etc. The problem with this, obviously, is that nobody wants or needs a go-to Republican Gay™.

Real Food: Meat

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Random Nancy Panel

(1970)

Herman Cain Has No Idea What A Neoconservative Is

 

This is the face of a very, very stupid man.

I haven't paid much attention to Herman Cain beyond being vaguely aware that he's a blowhard and obviously from the "know nothing" wing of the GOP. His appearance on Meet the Nation (or Face the Press or whatever) yesterday was a real eye-opener, though, because until watching it, I had no idea just how out-of-it he is.

It was bad enough that he trotted out lame concepts like "Liberals want to destroy America" and "I was joking when I said I'd erect a lethal electric fence on the Mexican border" or, hilariously, "I admire Clarence Thomas", but where David Gregory really unleashed a geyser of ignorance was when he asked Cain about the Neocons:

"I'm not sure what you mean by neoconservative," said Cain. "I am a conservative, yes. Neoconservative -- labels sometimes will put you in a box. I'm very conservative."

"But you're familiar with the neoconservative movement?" asked Gregory.

"I'm not familiar with the neoconservative movement," admitted Cain. "I'm familiar with the conservative movement. Let me define what I mean by the conservative movement -- less government, less taxes, more individual responsibility."

And he said this right after praising John Bolton! This, Pony Pals, is a complete disqualifier. This means, basically, that Cain has absolutely no idea what Goerge Bush's foreign policy philosophy was, and no idea why we declared war on Iraq. No clue!

But that's OK, because when pressed on his foreign policy, Cain simply said he'd hire people to figure it out for him. People like John Bolton.

It will be interesting to see how the Neocons react to this. Will they be offended at his ignorance, or, like Sarah Palin, will they salivate at the prospects of a new, unwitting convert (I'm guessing the latter)? Stay tuned to the Weekly Standard and Jennifer Rubin's blog at the Washington Post to find out!

UPDATE: Jennifer Rubin is confused, doesn't know what to think: "[He needs to] reject isolationism." The rallying cry of the Neocon!

UPDATE: Jennifer Rubin is no longer confused, knows what to think. She ended up posting three items in a row bashing Cain.

Quixotic Gay Republican Still Thinks He's A "Presidential Candidate," Makes Obscure 70s Homo-Culture References Just Like Any Old Queen

Oh, gosh, Fred Karger. Lonely ol' Fred. I shouldn't be so mean about him, but let's face it: he is the saddest sad-sack in the whole GOP field. Here is a guy who has been utterly shunned by the vast majority of his own party, systematically excluded from every debate, and worse than being spoken ill of, he's not spoken of at all, and yet still he comes back for more. So is he Pollyanna, eternally optimistic that "they'll come around"? Is he Edina from Absolutely Fabulous, totally oblivious to all the hostility surrounding him? Is he Howard the Duck, trapped in a world he never made? Or is he simply a masochist?

Maybe he's totally weird. Or stupid, possibly? Both? Soooo hard to tell. For instance, now he's upset with Florida for all their primary date shenanigans, so he threatened –threatened!– the state with an orange juice boycott if they didn't cut it out. For real! OMG, how seventies. But... what is Fred Karger doing? Seriously, a Florida orange juice boycott? Is this an incoherent attempt to blow a gay dog whistle? If so, what does the Anita Bryant boycott of 1977 have to do with a wonky primary scheduling issue? It doesn't make any sense. Or, maybe Fred Karger is totally unaware of the strength of the gay cultural memory of the original orange juice boycott, in which case: WTF? Either way, I just totally can't make any sense of Fred Karger.  

There's strong evidence that he's just plain odd. Here he is last Saturday wandering around New Hampshire giving his gay Republican Frisbees™ to skeptical-looking suburbanites: 

(Photo: Grant Morris, Nashua Telegraph)

From the Telegraph's article:

“Hi, I’m Fred Karger, and I’m running for president,” Karger said, introducing himself with a handshake, a business card and a blue frisbee with his name etched on it.

Meanwhile, residents began spilling out of their homes, lured by the sound of bagpipes and the parade of campaign workers carrying blue frisbees and business cards.

Later in the article, Karger actually utters the words "I've hustled," and that's when you realize that this guy is totally, hilariously great, and we should enjoy this piece of inadvertent performance art while we can.

Quickie: Forms Stiff Peaks

Callista Gingrich's hairdo at last night's debate (AP Photo detail)

I know I've already compared Callista Gingrich's mighty hair helmet to celestial objects, but the more and more I look at it, the more I'm convinced that the hairdo itself is of extraterrestrial origin.

National Coming Out Day Special: Aaron Schock Has A Bit Of A "Gay Aaron Schock" Google Problem™

You may recall that back in May I posted a totally irresponsible, anonymously-sourced, and yet perfectly plausible item about how everybody knows that Aaron Schock is as gay as pink ink (as my father used to say), or, I suppose more appropriately, as gay as a teal blue cloth belt. We hold these truths to be self-evident, as the saying goes.

The item got a little bit of attention, and then Wonkette reblogged it, humorously referring to me as a "trusted DC source" (hey, I've had my moments), and that got the "news" quite a bit more attention.  And then people in the blogosphere moved along to other important topics, the end.

Well, not quite the end! Just in the last couple of days, I've noticed a considerable uptick in the number of people clicking over to the PSP Gay Aaron Schock story from the Wonkette version. Why now? It seems that Schock was recently on Meet the Press, and whenever somebody most people have never heard of is on Meet the Press, it results in a lot of Googling, and when you Google "Aaron Schock", you-know-who shows up right at the bottom of the first page:

And it doesn't get much better (ha ha) when you do a Google image search:

And say you're watching Aaron Schock on Meet the Press and you think, "Gosh, that guy looks like he was separated at birth from Neil Patrick Harris," (doesn't he?), and you decide to throw the word "gay" into your Google search:

This all adds up to Aaron Shock having what the tech-savvy reporters call a Google Problem™. Poor Aaron! But Schock has an absolutely immaculately right-wing voting history, including voting against anything which could be perceived as hairdresser-friendly, such as the repeal of "Don't Ask/Don't Tell", so why doesn't he just go ahead and step out of the closet and be a Gay Republican™ like those cool GOProud guys?

The answer, of course, is that there are no successful openly-gay GOP politicians (just ask Fred "Fred who?" Karger),  and the concept might not (ha, make that "probably wouldn't") go over like gangbusters in Schock's rural/small town Illinois district. It would literally not play well in Peoria.

As a result, Schock has to obfuscate. Take a look at his rudimentary home page (all that is missing is the "under construction" gifs) and his congressional webpage, and you'll notice that so-called "social issues" are nowhere to be found... like, anywhere. He simply acts like these issues don't exist, despite his "clean" voting record on them.

This must be soooo awkward for Aaron! Think of all the time and energy he has to put into all this! Think of how careful he has to be!

So that's why I'm nominating Gay Aaron Schock as the official poster boy for National Coming Out Day. Well, that and because he'd look so totally cute on the posters.

CNN Posts Brilliant, Brutal, Hilarious Parody Of Sally Quinn

 

Sally Quinn contains multitudes.

Did you know that Sally Quinn's brain is like a labyrinth? It's true! I know I mock CNN all the time, but this incredible parody of an insane Sally Quinn experiencing enlightenment on the lush grounds of a California spa is too, too funny. Two sparkly hooves way up to whomever wrote it, although the "I lie down in a spread eagle position or in a corpse pose" bit was a little over the top. Kudos to CNN for having the nerve to run it as if it were really written by Sally Quinn, which of course it isn't. It can't be, because Sally Quinn is ridiculous, but not that ridiculous. Right?

Next: Sally Quinn locates Nirvana within the lining of a Judith Leiber purse.

Book Shelf: THE ROGUE By Joe McGinniss

Unlike some people, I thought it would be a good idea to actually read The Rogue before commenting upon it. It's unfortunate that a lot of coverage of the book merely trots out bullet points OF NEW FUNNY/OUTRAGEOUS REVELATIONS!! rather than taking a look at it as an organic whole, because there's a lot more to McGinniss' excellent volume than a simple laundry list of Sarahisms. Indeed, it's the overall structure of the book which makes it such an entertaining and fascinating read. The author skillfully interweaves two stories: the tale of Sarah Palin's life and career, and the personal narrative of his own journey to Alaska to research her alarming rise to prominence, his encounters with those who know/knew her, with the land itself, and, of course, the trumped-up media circus which surrounded his renting of the house next-door to the Palin's lakeside compound. One of the most delicious ironies in The Rogue is that the hysterical reaction to McGinniss' journey to Alaska from the Palins themselves, their deranged fans, and even the well-meaning locals who defy Palin to assist the author (in a hilarious running gag, they keep offering him guns: "Take all you want; I've got plenty!"), provided him with just the structure he needed to tie the whole thing together seamlessly. Perhaps a better subtitle for the volume would have been "Beneath the Valley of the Assembly of God," because it's not just a portrait of a person, but of a place, a place which Sarah Palin succeeded in single-handedly dividing and conquering.

I guess my main point is that Joe McGinniss is an outstanding writer, so if you think you "already know all about Sarah Palin"  due to all the spoilers and laundry lists of funny stories from the book here and there on the web, you're missing out on an absorbing and entertaining book. But beyond that, the author really succeeds in answering the question what makes Sarah Palin? in a fully-rounded way, taking a sharp look at how the state, the landscape (both physical and political), her family and friends, religion, and a fairly shocking case of arrested development all worked together to produce her, a quintessentially American story if there ever was one. Highly recommended!