Okay, The Walking Dead. I’ve been giving you a lot of passes. The horrible, awful accents. The fact that they were right there at the CDC and nobody thought, Hey, maybe we should stop off for some firearms and SUVs before we leave town, seeing as how Decatur has the greatest number of early-model Broncos with mud tires and a gun rack per capita of any municipality in Georgia. The fact that a show called The Walking Dead hasn’t had more than about three actual walking dead an episode since the beginning of the season. The fact that Daryl, basically the only character on the show with any sense, hasn’t been elected boss, general, and emperor-for-life of their little band. The fact that the entire crew could be in Fort Benning by now if they’d just lay off waiting for–and risking their lives over and over again to track down–one kid who, while cute, didn’t follow instructions and has been nothing but a liability. The solid half-hour of taaaalk talktalktalktalktalktalk every. Single. Episode. The awful, horrible accents. You’ve gotten a lot of leeway from me, show.

But we’re halfway through the second season now, and my patience, my willingness to suspend disbelief, and the handle of Popov I keep just for drinking games are all getting low. I got some stuff to say to you, show, and you’re going to hear about it after the jump, wherein there will be spoilers for S02, E06 (Secrets).

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We’ve been discussing gaslighting as an abuse tactic in two previous posts in response to this article by Yashar Ali who reassures us that we ladies are not crazy (thanks). In the first, Caperton dissects Ali’s message directly and the problems with male allies presenting problems analyzed by feminists as new and novel issues. In the second, I tried to clarify the definition of gaslighting and invited the readership to share their own personal experiences with this form of emotional abuse, for one because it’s a tool commonly used by abusers in abusive relationships, and two because it’s so often used against women. What bothered me was that Ali’s explanation of gaslighting chalked it up to what we commonly experience as everday sexism, when in reality gaslighting is a particularly insidious form of emotional abuse that primes abuse victims to accept increasing levels of abuse.

I discussed this briefly with Captain Awkward for her insight, in part because she so extensively discusses the importance of boundaries at her blog, and as she wisely put it in our correspondence, “You need a power differential (patriarchy, for example) for true gaslighting – it relies on power and stereotypes.” In a typical heteronormative abuse model, for example, this form of emotional abuse is often levied against women by men, and it works precisely because of prejudices about femininity and masculinity — that women are nervous, hysterical, less prone to intelligent reasoning, and need protected and corrected by a rational man who is not swayed by his emotions. Of course this isn’t true across the board — it happens frequently in abusive same-sex relationships and parent-child relationships (which exploits the child’s dependent status) as well.

Because gaslighting is part and parcel of a larger system of abuse, it can be difficult to tease out exact incidents and outcomes and differentiate them from the larger experience of the abusive relationship. Some commenters expressed confusion over lying versus gaslighting, and whether this is something that is always conscious or whether it can be subconscious as well. “Gaslighting” is a colloquial term and not a clinical one (Practitioners, is there an official recognition of this behavior?), so there is some disagreement on how it’s applied. For our discussion, I consider gaslighting to be a repeat, systematic series of lies that are designed to make the victim doubt her reality. It’s not one lie or two lies, it’s part of a pattern of abuse meant to make the victim more compliant to minimize the effects of abuse, accept blame, and accept the abuser’s version of events that are contrary to her own. In other words, it’s death by a thousand cuts.

Gaslighting can be intentional, such as with the example from the play and its movie adaptations, or the example I use here, where a partner purposely moves or hides your stuff to make you feel forgetful and untethered to your memory.

Gaslighting can also be an unintentional side-effect, as a classic outcome of living with a narcissist, or with a partner who is trying to cover up their pattern of abuse, or with the addict trying to cover up their addiction. It is done in order to preserve the … [gaslighter's] vision of himself” as an honest and upstanding person without actually doing the things that would make it so.

Gaslighting can be physical or emotional. An example of physical gaslighting is the example from the movie or from my example in comments. An anonymous reader emailed me with this horrifying example of physical gaslighting:

I knew someone who lived in his mother-in-law’s house and would do things like reorder the kitchen cabinets (switching the plates to the opposite side of the room) to make her think she was going crazy in the hopes that he could have her committed to a home and he could get the house.

For a sidebar discussion, I’ve heard a practitioner say that this kind of gaslighting is so vindictive and insidious that if someone is pulling a physical gaslight on you and you’re able to identify it, drop everything and run the other way and never stop running from this person.

An example of emotional gaslighting is evident in the recollection of CurrerBell in comments, where the denial of abuse was encouraged in her childhood home in order to preserve peace with a trigger-prone mother.

It’s not limited to interpersonal relationships either. As smash points out in the comments, an example was highlighted recently in Ask Prudie where a guy is bullied by his coworkers, who tell him he has bad breath and harangue him about it at work, while his dentist and doctor tell him there is no issue at all.

Overall, gaslighting has the gradual effect of making the victim anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception, which makes you less likely to fight back or feel confident accusing the abuser of bad faith later when he’s siphoning money off of you, for example, or isolating you from your friends and family. And later, when your work and school performance suffers because of the nagging dread you have at home, your abuser blames it on the shortcomings he’s defined you by, so it’s your fault that you’re stupid and unreliable, which is why no one likes you and you’re ugly and you can’t even pick up the cat right. The pattern of lying and denial is meant to make you more susceptible to validating their version of events, and it’s almost always a version where the abuser is the sympathetic party and the victim is a dumb, petty asshole for concentrating on who did what when. It’s meant to tear you down and it’s often effective because you are trying to fight fair with someone who is intentionally slippery. As part of a larger system of abuse, it makes you vulnerable to accept escalations of abuse AND attribute them to your OWN failure and not the ill will of the abuser.

About a dozen women wrote me privately and anonymously to share their experiences, and they had so much insight and wisdom and humor that I hope I do them justice and crystallize their experiences here. Because I think it’s tempting for us survivors to focus on the abuser, which can be detrimental for our recovery, I also asked them to recollect how they put the pieces back together after leaving the relationship. What follows below are bits and pieces of these anonymous conversations, both about gaslighting and abusive relationships in general. While I originally intended to focus on gaslighting alone, there were too many invaluable insights to pare them down.

This is a giant beast of a discussion on emotional and physical abuse and its affects on our mental health, and as such this is your neon, flashing trigger warning. [click to continue…]

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Hell yeah, she can look just as pretty as her less generously proportioned friends.

1957 ad for Chubbette clothing with the headline, "Your chubby lass can be the belle of her class"

Chubbette - clothes for the chunky lass in your life

She can also be as happy as a hit with a rollicking beat, and she can have a tummy and still look yummy. And those dresses are really cute. But, um, Chubbette? What, was “Fatshionista” already taken?

And yes, they are “fashions to make girls 6 to 16 look slimmer,” rather than “fashions to make girls feel cute,” but it could be worse. She could be Tracy Harper, bless her flower-clutching heart.

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M0nk3y cr0tch

by Caperton on 11.20.2011 · 14 comments

in Silliness

Embarrassing story (though not for me): When my brother* was about seven years old, he and his best friend would run around the house yelling out bad words and feeling terribly naughty about it. The problem was, being seven, they didn’t actually know any really bad words, and “pantyhose” was the absolute naughtiest one they knew, so they ran around the house yelling “pantyhose.”

Thank God they hadn’t come across “monkey crotch.”

With a creativity and dedication to the task unusual for local officialdom, [Pakistan's] telecoms regulator has issued a list of more than 1000 words and phrases which will be banned.

After serious deliberation and consultation, officials from the Pakistan Telecommunication Authority (PTA) have come up with more than 50 phrases using the word “fuck” and 17 involving “butt.”

The bans, the agency says, is intended to control spam, and the texts themselves are not to be monitored or recorded.

A few samplings to pass along to your seven-year-old brothers to provide a little variety:

- athlete’s foot
- breast
- condom
- deposit
- fairy
- fingerfood
- flatulence
- fondle
- harder
- headlights
- herpes
- hostage
- intercourse
- Jesus Christ
- love pistol
- premature
- tampon
- tongue
- quickie
- Wuutang

Everybody now: “Tampon! Tampon! Tampon! Tampon! Tampon!”

*Dude, you’re welcome.

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The International Transgender Day of Remembrance was set aside to memorialize those who were killed due to anti-transgender hatred or prejudice.

Some of the memorial events have already happened, but there are still events coming up in some areas. Here’s a list of TDOR events.

Please do feel free to link your relevant posts or events in the comments. If you already linked yourself in the Shameless Self-Promotion Sunday thread, you can still link yourself again on this thread — we won’t be mad.

Another useful resource is the 2011 document Injustice at Every Turn: A Report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey:

Transgender and gender non-conforming people face rampant discrimination in every area of life: education, employment, family life, public accommodations, housing, health, police and jails, and ID documents. This data is so shocking that it will change the way you think about transgender people and it should change the way you advocate. The National Transgender Discrimination Survey was conducted by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force and the National Center for Transgender Equality.

Download the report here.

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Go for it.

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In the years leading up to the birth of “Ms. Magazine”, women had trouble getting a credit card without a man’s signature, had few legal rights when it came to divorce or reproduction, and were expected to aspire solely to marriage and motherhood. Job listings were segregated (“Help wanted, male”). There was no Title IX (banning sex discrimination in federally funded athletic programs); no battered-women’s shelters, rape-crisis centers, and no terms such as sexual harassment and domestic violence.

Thus begins a completely awesome article in “New York Magazine” about the history of “Ms. Magazine”, which forms an amazing lens for the history of feminism. I think a lot about the history of feminism as a movement, because it makes me so incredibly mad when people air idiotic anti-feminist grievances that show zero understanding of how effective and important the movement has been.

My personal favorite feminist history quote ever came from an older rape survivor I know, who was assaulted in 1970. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Rape Trauma Syndrome had not yet been defined, and rape itself was often not acknowledged or slipped under the rug. The survivor had an absolutely horrible experience in the hospital, but the especially shocking quote from her history came in 1974, when she finally went to a therapist and asked for help. They had a friendly session; towards the end, she pulled together the courage to tell him she’d been brutally assaulted in her home four years before, that she had trouble sleeping, that she froze up sometimes, that she had flashbacks, etc.

The therapist took off his glasses and looked at her skeptically. “Do you really think that’s important?” he asked.

Thanks, feminism.

Some more great quotations from the “New York Magazine” article. Most of the article takes the form of a dialogue among various feminists, as well as some snips from letters or memos or other related communications:

Newhouse: Clay [Felker, a "New York Magazine" editor who helped start "Ms."] and Gloria [Steinem] had knockdown arguments about the first cover. Clay wanted a photograph of a man and woman, back-to-back, tied to a big pole. The idea was that they’re tied together, struggling.

Steinem: His cover was negative … limited. It was focused on marriage, not on all women.

Pogrebin: Gloria preferred a drawing of a female figure with many hands, juggling the tasks of a woman’s life.

Steinem: It had a universality because it’s harking back to a mythic image—the many-armed Indian God image. And it solved our problem of being racially “multibiguous” because she’s blue: not any one race.

Also:

Mary Peacock (co-founding editor, 1971–77): When Ms. started, you couldn’t pick up the phone and say, “Ms. Magazine,” because what people heard was “Mmzzz” and they’d ask, “What are you saying?” This would happen 25 times a day. So when we picked up the phone, we said each letter separately: “M-S magazine.” But gradually something changed—I could shoot myself that I can’t remember when it changed, because it was a huge watershed: Suddenly you could say “Ms.,” and everybody knew what you were talking about.

Also, let’s talk about sexual freedom and its correlations with feminism:

Steinem: Clay and many magazine people told me not to include a lesbian article in the first issue — and so, of course, we did.

Of course there are bits that I have, um, something of a problem with:

Mary Kay Blakely (contributor, 1982–2002): Even debates among editors who were close friends became defensive, judgmental, and hostile. You were either a vanilla-sex feminist or a bad-ass feminist.

Pogrebin: I threatened to leave over a manuscript by a woman who was a former editor of ours who was writing about why she was a masochist and trying to make it an okay choice. I would rather leave than work for a magazine that published that. And we didn’t publish it.

God forbid we accept female masochism! I do wonder what some of these accomplished feminists, women who I so admire, think of little ole me. Oh, well.

Anyway, behold how very, very similar the things are that historical detractors said about “Ms.” — compared to the things that people say about feminists now:

Syndicated Columnist James Kilpatrick, December 1971: “[Ms. is a] C-sharp on an un-tuned piano,” a note “of petulance, of bitchiness, or nervous fingernails screeching across a blackboard.”

Harry Reasoner on ABC’s Nightly News, 1972: “I’ll give it six months before they run out of things to say.”

President Nixon to Henry Kissinger on White House Audiotapes, 1972
Nixon: [Dan Rather] asked a silly goddamn question about Ms.—you know what I mean?
Kissinger: Yeah.
Nixon: For shit’s sake, how many people really have read Gloria Steinem and give one shit about that?

New York Times Headline, March 22, 1972:
“In Small Town U.S.A., Women’s Liberation Is Either a Joke or a Bore.”

Syndicated Gossip Columnist Earl Wilson on the Ms. Launch Party at the New York Public Library, June 30, 1972
“Speaking of libraries, some Women’s Libbers were well stacked and some ain’t never been stacked and never will be.”

Carbine: We learned that “Ms.” was being removed from public libraries as unsuitable reading material.

Steinem: Abe Rosenthal at the “New York Times” told me that no one would ever hire me again as a journalist; I’d thrown away my career.

Aaaand also:

Bernikow: I still meet women who say they had to hide their “Ms.” magazines from their husbands. It woke women up and spurred them to go out and do something.

Levine: I can’t understand where we got the chutzpah to turn people’s lives upside down.

This article is so full of brilliance and historical inspiration — it’s so touching for me. I’m serious, I’m almost in tears while I write this. Read it, please.

(Relatedly on the feminist history topic, a while back I wrote a post called “Grassroots Organizing for Feminism, S&M, HIV and Everything Else” that talked a bit about mid-1900s feminist organizations such as those that advocate for rape survivors, or “Jane”, the women’s collective that provided illegal abortions for those in need.)

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I heart Breakthrough — “a global human rights organization that uses the power of media, pop culture, and community mobilization to inspire people to take bold action for dignity, equality, and justice.” Previously I’ve posted about their awesome Facebook game “America 2049″, and now they’ve got another sweet initiative: “#Rewrite The Ending“. Snip:

Show of hands: How many of you wish that Andy (“Pretty in Pink”) had ended up with Ducky? That after Willy dies (“Death of a Salesman”), his wife gets a great sales job without having to play the “poor widow” card? That when Simran’s father finally releases her hand (“Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge”), she runs for the train to Goa and finds happiness on her own?

In other words: How often have you been enjoying a book, movie, play, or TV episode … when all of a sudden things take a turn for the sexist, misogynist, needlessly violent, or worse? Have you ever wished you could jump into a story, shout at the characters, grab the pen (or keyboard) of the writer, and make it turn out the way you think it should?

Now you can! Breakthrough presents “#Rewrite the Ending”, our Bell Bajao campaign’s first-ever fiction (re)writing competition. Your job: take a work of fiction — a novel, movie, epic myth, opera, poem, TV episode, short story, play, or anything else that inspires you (or makes you nuts) — and rewrite the ending to erase the sexism, highlight human rights, and win yourself some great prizes.

Deadline: November 21st. And you don’t have to be on Twitter to enter, although the contest does have a hashtag in the name! More information here.

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I have a real distaste for bad debate. It’s such a good and enjoyable pastime, debate, and an opponent who chooses to fall back on tired, flaccid arguments really tarnishes the joy of the sport.

Like the story of Natalie Hegedus, the woman who was dressed down in front of a courtroom for breastfeeding. There’s so much to talk about! Was the bailiff or the judge worse behaved? How much authority does a judge have over the running of his/her courtroom, and does it at any point overtake a woman’s right to breastfeed publicly? And shouldn’t a courtroom built for taxpayers using taxpayer funds be more taxpayer-friendly?

Alas, no. All we get are the same old arguments: Not in public! She should have pumped! She should have gone to the bathroom! Why did she have her kid there in the first place? Boobies are disruptive! Et cetera, ad infinitum. Come on, people! Where’s your spark? Where’s your creativity? Argue it like you mean it!

Feministas, you’re all reasonable and informed-like: What arguments could be made against public breastfeeding that haven’t been made a bazillion times before? Give the good people some new material to work with. Here are the tired, stretched-out, armpit-stained arguments that won’t fly:

1. Breastfeeding is comparable to pooping. One is food at the beginning, the other is food at the end. One has everything the body needs, the other is everything the body has decided it doesn’t need. Changing a diaper != breastfeeding. (Also, public sex != breastfeeding.)

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This is a guest post by Rebecca Katherine Hirsch. Rebecca Katherine Hirsch is an acclaimed art model, cat-lover and solo psychoanalytic discussant amongst herself and no one else. In the past she was an NFT editor, UCB comedy person, NYU graduate, Freud apologist, Minnesotan and so much more, like that one time she was THIS CLOSE to being a Babeland sex educator. She is presently hard at work on her first novel to be completed in the summer of 2085, in honor of her centenary! She is a proud member of the gender-blending, sex-positive, self-determination-respecting Barbarism collective, found here. Barbarism also makes exciting experimental videos. She is a Scorpio.

Hello! Have I a disclosure for YOU (and you and you and you):

I am attracted to men who do not hew unbendingly to unrealistic–that is to say, “traditional”–templates for male behavior. I am similarly heartened by all gendered people who work to find the courage to map out their own internal and presented identities in the face of omnipotent, implicit and explicit gender stereotypes!

I love this picture.* And I would like to return to its significance momentarily.

But first! Masculinity as defined by our lovably open-minded, calmly acceptive, live-and-let-live culture is one of—oh wait, let me rephrase: Masculinity as defined by our anal-retentive patriarchy is one of EXTREME STOLIDITY and INTENSE NOTHINGNESS, big braggadocio and mind-numbing manipulativeness born of fear of emotions we demote to “women’s roles.” I do not appreciate these male stereotypes any more than I appreciate the female stereotypical mandates to be passive, sexy-not-sexual, stupid and performatory.

This is frustrating because I am attracted to men. Yet we’ve all have been taught so well to adhere to gender stereotypes. I’m constantly kicking myself for my shyness or my more socially-sanctioned sexual attitudes, only to then kick myself again for kicking myself in the first place because, after all, I’m doing my best! Now thoroughly bruised by my own kicking (what am I, some kind of archetypal female masochist?!), I must remind myself that we’ve all been manipulated by a corrupt patriarchal system. At least I’m trying to reclaim myself and unlearn the old lies. My shyness exists and my sexual attitudes are constantly in flux, so it’s cool! I’m trying.

But it’s also frustrating that so many men buy into the gender myths. Because I am attracted to men and I like male bodies. A lot. I’d intellectually like to be attracted to female bodies. After all, I am attracted to myself. Who would’t be? Look at this body. Yeah. That’s what I said. When I saw myself in the mirror. But alas, I appear to be more moved by the appearance of male-bodied creatures than female. Sexually. My loins are into it. My mind approves. All this leads me to believe I am straight. Now what?
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Gaslighting is a particular kind of emotional abuse, whether intentional or not, that over time makes the abused feel that her perception of reality or of herself is false. The gaslighter manipulates the victim’s sense of self in order “to be right [and] preserve his own sense of self.” From wikipedia:

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term “gaslighting” comes from the play Gas Light and its film adaptations. In those works a character uses a variety of tricks, including turning the gas lamps lower than normal, to convince his spouse that she is crazy.

In the post on gaslighting below, there are several people sharing stories about how they were gaslighted (gaslit?) in romantic and in parent-child relationships in the comments. Although Yassar Ali, the author of the article that Caperton deftly dissects below, doesn’t have his understanding of gaslighting quite right, he is correct that it’s a form of emotional abuse that is often levied against women, and it works precisely because of prejudices about femininity, that women are nervous, hysterical, and less prone to intelligent reasoning. Probably the most common form of gaslighting reported is in a domestic violence situation where the abuser flatly denies that any abuse happened at all — leaving the abused to “prove” that the abuse happened not only to bystanders and authorities, but eventually to herself. Gaslighting also happens frequently in parent-child relationships, in which the parent denies abuse or neglect to continue to appear to be a good parent, and the child eventually accepts that their own perceptions of reality and memory are suspect because of the parents’ systematic denial of abuse. Another form of gaslighting is when a person tries to make you believe you are something (usually negative) that you are not, clumsy, slutty, dumb. A gaslighter, in other words, is trying to rewire the narrative to preserve a positive self-image, even at the expense of the people around him.

In the interest of information-sharing and catharsis, I want to solicit your gaslighting experience stories and I will arrange and publish them here. If you’d like to share them in your own space, please feel free to send me a link. Please let me know whether you wish to remain anonymous, and email me before the end of the day on Friday, 11/18/11. Send emails to fauxrealtho at gmail with the title “Gaslight” or leave them in the comments. Forgive my pronoun usage, as I am using heteronormative language to describe this dynamic, but it happens to everyone. My thought is that by sharing en masse we can represent this experience as women better than Ali was able.

____________
This is a guest post by Lauren Bruce, founder of and former resident blogger at Feministe, who has, shall we say, an intense personal interest in this subject.

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Ladies, for all those times you’ve sat through an argument thinking, “Wow, there’s something wrong with me” instead of, “Wow, what an asshole,” you have official confirmation: Those accusations that you’re just overreacting aren’t real. There’s even a term for it that you’ve never heard before!

You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!

Sound familiar?

When someone says these things to you, it’s not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling — that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation, pure and simple.

I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term often used by mental health professionals (I am not one) to describe manipulative behavior used to confused people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.

Okay, I actually feel kind of bad for reacting to Yashar Ali this way, because he is, by his own admission, fairly new to this form of participation in this form of feminism. I certainly don’t want to imply that he can’t be a feminist, that men shouldn’t try to speak about feminism, or even that men shouldn’t be allowed prominent voices in feminist discussions–I don’t want to discourage any man from getting involved, particularly someone as serious and sincere as Ali appears to be. And judging from some of the comments on his piece at HuffPo and at Ali’s own site, there are women who weren’t familiar with that kind of manipulation or were just grateful to hear it acknowledged, not to mention men who not only didn’t get it but flat refused to get it. The piece is obviously not without merit.

It’s just kind of frustrating to see issues that women have been struggling with and fighting against–and trying to draw attention to–since time immemorial presented as novel, revolutionary discoveries by the newest members of the club.

It’s hard to pin down precisely what it is about the article that bothers me. Maybe it’s the tone (tone!) of voice–Don’t worry, ladies. You’re not crazy; you’re just being manipulated. No, no need to thank me–I’m glad to help. Maybe it’s the helpful introduction to new vocabulary. Maybe I’d be more comfortable about it if it were a message to women from another woman, from someone who’d been on the receiving end of such manipulation. Maybe it’s that that message is one that women have been pouring their blood into–yes, accusations of hysteria, histrionics, and oversensitivity are a frequent and much-beloved weapon against women–and yet again, it takes a man’s voice to draw attention to it. Maybe I’m just jealous.

Maybe it would have been better as a message to men from a man. Please don’t tell me about my sanity (which is its own story), tell me I’m being manipulated (trust me, I know), teach me new words (I knew it already), or let me know that in many areas, women are dismissed and disregarded as a matter of course (it’s actually come up once or twice). Since you have both a voice and an audience, use it to tell men that they do that, if they aren’t already aware. Help them understand the implications. You really do have insight there; share it with men who don’t. As an ally, recruit other allies.

Seriously, you have good things to say, and you have access to a valuable platform to say them from. Just make sure you’re saying them to the people who most need to hear them.

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