1/02/2012
Haiku Review of 2011, Part 3: The End:
The Rude Pundit read so many haiku this past weekend he thought he would turn Japanese. Here's the last ones for the look back at 2011, one year closer to our doom at the hands of bankers and Republicans, all to be televised with gleeful approval by Rupert Murdoch. There's no accounting for why your haiku didn't get chosen. Nothing personal, Vince G. and everyone else. Perhaps there's only so many Rick Santorum jokes that one can take (yes, yes, ha, ha, frothy shit, cum, and lube, that's great). Perhaps it's just the Rude Pundit's mood. But, hey, thanks to all who took the time to write.
Other than the election, what was most on everyone's mind was jobs, money, and occupation. 2011 is done. Let's toss the corpse in an acid bath and move on:
From R.H.:
My Target Shopping
Saved the economy.
Where's MY lobbyist?
From Tim L.:
The only "union
thugs" I saw at Occupy?
Cops using chem bombs.
From Tom G.:
Where did the coin go?
Rich got richer - poor got screwed
History repeats.
From Robert J.:
History's proven
that the greatest leeches are
Ayn Rand's devotees
From Gavin B.:
I will bring the torch
you will bring the gasoline
The bankers go first
From Bernie J. in NYC:
Song of the American People
Rights? Rights? Who needs rights?
We’ve got American Idol
And internet porn
From Steve L.:
Osama is dead
America does its best
Killing in the night
From dear, longtime reader Iris K. in Germany:
Fukushima what?
Some people ask, and they say
I only watch Fox.
From Doug S.:
Arab Spring, then what?
Just because Qaddafi's gone?!
Spring leads to Winter.
From Cheeseflap (really?):
Drill Baby Drill
Pests jump to new spot
Untapped pools of treasured blood;
Earth needs flea collar
Okay, one last Santorum one:
From Rev. Ron:
He Deserves It
Poor Rick Santorum
Google gleefully fucked him
Right up his tight ass
And shameless shilling done by Jack H. of Illinois:
One Rude Almanack
My pre-order placed and paid
Do the same, fuckers.
The Rude Pundit read so many haiku this past weekend he thought he would turn Japanese. Here's the last ones for the look back at 2011, one year closer to our doom at the hands of bankers and Republicans, all to be televised with gleeful approval by Rupert Murdoch. There's no accounting for why your haiku didn't get chosen. Nothing personal, Vince G. and everyone else. Perhaps there's only so many Rick Santorum jokes that one can take (yes, yes, ha, ha, frothy shit, cum, and lube, that's great). Perhaps it's just the Rude Pundit's mood. But, hey, thanks to all who took the time to write.
Other than the election, what was most on everyone's mind was jobs, money, and occupation. 2011 is done. Let's toss the corpse in an acid bath and move on:
From R.H.:
My Target Shopping
Saved the economy.
Where's MY lobbyist?
From Tim L.:
The only "union
thugs" I saw at Occupy?
Cops using chem bombs.
From Tom G.:
Where did the coin go?
Rich got richer - poor got screwed
History repeats.
From Robert J.:
History's proven
that the greatest leeches are
Ayn Rand's devotees
From Gavin B.:
I will bring the torch
you will bring the gasoline
The bankers go first
From Bernie J. in NYC:
Song of the American People
Rights? Rights? Who needs rights?
We’ve got American Idol
And internet porn
From Steve L.:
Osama is dead
America does its best
Killing in the night
From dear, longtime reader Iris K. in Germany:
Fukushima what?
Some people ask, and they say
I only watch Fox.
From Doug S.:
Arab Spring, then what?
Just because Qaddafi's gone?!
Spring leads to Winter.
From Cheeseflap (really?):
Drill Baby Drill
Pests jump to new spot
Untapped pools of treasured blood;
Earth needs flea collar
Okay, one last Santorum one:
From Rev. Ron:
He Deserves It
Poor Rick Santorum
Google gleefully fucked him
Right up his tight ass
And shameless shilling done by Jack H. of Illinois:
One Rude Almanack
My pre-order placed and paid
Do the same, fuckers.
12/30/2011
Haiku Review of 2011, Part 2: The Readers Have a Haiku Orgy:
The Rude Pundit asked you to contribute year-end haiku, and, sweet Japanese Jesus, you responded, with over 100 little poems, with more flowing in. Keep 'em coming. Here's today's first dose of ten rude reader takes on what 2011 events got their juices flowing:
From BAB in Los Angeles:
Maybe Newt Is Onto Something!
A recall would work,
But Scott Walker should also
Wipe down school toilets.
From Rabbitearz in the San Fernando Valley:
Coach Sandusky asked
Santa for soap-on-a-rope.
Lives swirl down the drain.
From John P.:
The Job Creators
Rugged, creative
pillars of capitalism
whine when uncertain!
From Vixen Strangely:
The 99%
Millions fill the streets,
while billions fill their coffers,
still we will be heard.
From Hector R. :
Geithner and cronies
Gambling With Peoples' Money
Piggies In A Trough
From Shelley M.:
Fat, angry white men
make Rush Limbaugh a hero
yet mock gay soldiers
From Mark D.:
Traveling now blows
Chertoff hawks porno scanners
Theater for the dumb
From Carl S.:
Postponing the Inevitable
The debates go on.
Each candidate has his day.
Howdy Doody waits.
From Jim L:
Mission Accomplished!
Osama sleeps with fishes
Somewhere Dubya cries
From Deanna F.:
Rick Perry's jacket,
Fleecy, rough and deeply queer.
Go repression, go.
From Sue M.:
Eleven is done
Twelve can’t get here soon enough
Bye, motherfuckers!
The Rude Pundit asked you to contribute year-end haiku, and, sweet Japanese Jesus, you responded, with over 100 little poems, with more flowing in. Keep 'em coming. Here's today's first dose of ten rude reader takes on what 2011 events got their juices flowing:
From BAB in Los Angeles:
Maybe Newt Is Onto Something!
A recall would work,
But Scott Walker should also
Wipe down school toilets.
From Rabbitearz in the San Fernando Valley:
Coach Sandusky asked
Santa for soap-on-a-rope.
Lives swirl down the drain.
From John P.:
The Job Creators
Rugged, creative
pillars of capitalism
whine when uncertain!
From Vixen Strangely:
The 99%
Millions fill the streets,
while billions fill their coffers,
still we will be heard.
From Hector R. :
Geithner and cronies
Gambling With Peoples' Money
Piggies In A Trough
From Shelley M.:
Fat, angry white men
make Rush Limbaugh a hero
yet mock gay soldiers
From Mark D.:
Traveling now blows
Chertoff hawks porno scanners
Theater for the dumb
From Carl S.:
Postponing the Inevitable
The debates go on.
Each candidate has his day.
Howdy Doody waits.
From Jim L:
Mission Accomplished!
Osama sleeps with fishes
Somewhere Dubya cries
From Deanna F.:
Rick Perry's jacket,
Fleecy, rough and deeply queer.
Go repression, go.
From Sue M.:
Eleven is done
Twelve can’t get here soon enough
Bye, motherfuckers!
12/29/2011
A Haiku Review of 2011, Part 1: The Candidates:
One Slimy Beast Too Many
More ethics can be
Found in the eye of a newt
Than in all of Newt
A Very Bachmann Moment
Michele ate a fair
Corn dog wide-mouthed. Envious
Marcus wept loudly.
Don't Work Yourself Into a Froth
Santorum rising
Is just inevitable.
Physics works that way.
Flop
Do not tell Romney
That he’s changed his mind. He has
A dog cage for you.
The Third Person
Herman Cain said that
Herman Cain was different.
Cain’s penis was not.
Counting
If Rick Perry was
Lawrence Welk, the poor band would
Never have started.
Front Runner
Oh, woe to Ron Paul,
Crazy as a shithouse rat,
But, man, I love pot.
(Submit your own 2011-lovin' haiku to "rudepundit@yahoo.com". Best to be published starting tomorrow.)
One Slimy Beast Too Many
More ethics can be
Found in the eye of a newt
Than in all of Newt
A Very Bachmann Moment
Michele ate a fair
Corn dog wide-mouthed. Envious
Marcus wept loudly.
Don't Work Yourself Into a Froth
Santorum rising
Is just inevitable.
Physics works that way.
Flop
Do not tell Romney
That he’s changed his mind. He has
A dog cage for you.
The Third Person
Herman Cain said that
Herman Cain was different.
Cain’s penis was not.
Counting
If Rick Perry was
Lawrence Welk, the poor band would
Never have started.
Front Runner
Oh, woe to Ron Paul,
Crazy as a shithouse rat,
But, man, I love pot.
(Submit your own 2011-lovin' haiku to "rudepundit@yahoo.com". Best to be published starting tomorrow.)
Later Today: The Rude Pundit Will Haiku You:
And, holy shit, you're a bunch of haiku writing motherfuckers. Over fifty received so far. Keep 'em coming.
And, holy shit, you're a bunch of haiku writing motherfuckers. Over fifty received so far. Keep 'em coming.
12/28/2011
An Invitation to Haiku Yourself and a Bit o' Joy:
Oh, it's that time, it's that time, it's that time again. The Rude Pundit rings out the old on a few words. Starting tomorrow, he'll be posting his annual end o' the year haiku retrospective. And he invites readers to send in their own trio of lines (5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables - the Rude Pundit likes his forms, motherfuckers). For instance, longtime rude reader and haiku contributor Mona P. got a jump on the festivities by sending in this one (even if she cheated on the last line):
2011 Countdown To Oblivion
Blackbirds plummeting
Arab spring when tyrants fell
Occupators fill streets
Send your own to "rudepundit@yahoo.com." Titles are not required. Neither are pants. The Rude Pundit will publish the best ones or the ones that tickle him in bad places on Friday and, if there's a-plenty, Monday.
And because life is not politics alone...
A Few Things That Brought the Rude Pundit Joy in This Wearying Year in This Ragged Nation:
1. Two musical moments: Elvis Costello tearing the Wellmont Theater in Montclair, New Jersey apart with a savage version of "I Want You." Over ten minutes of snarling singing and face-melting guitar work that was exhausting and exhilarating. And, at the Bonnaroo Music Festival in Tennessee in the intense heat of Sunday at noon, hearing The Head and the Heart perform their song "Rivers and Roads" was pure, unbathed hippie bliss.
2. Two museum moments: The Experience Music Project in Seattle is the museum that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame would be if it stopped trying to be a grown-up. And the Nirvana exhibit was actually, really interesting. At the Brooklyn Museum, the Norman Rockwell show was revelatory in an unexpected way: it showed how artificial his works were, in a way that you always knew, but really wanted them not to be. Just like America.
3. Two movies: Martin Scorsese's Hugo, which the Rude Pundit despised until, about two-thirds of the way through, during the George Melies sequence he realized he loved it. And the animated flick Rango, which was a deeply-weird, subversive drug dream masked as a kid's movie.
4. Two theatre moments (both on Broadway): The mythic end of the viscerally exciting play Jerusalem, where you realize that, sometimes, even liars are telling the truth. And, even though you're sick of hearing about it, The Book of Mormon, which was so funny and so twisted and so stupefyingly sweet (even with jokes about baby-fucking and having AIDS) that it actually helped the Rude Pundit feel better in the wake of a personal tragedy.
5. One TV moment: Yeah, yeah, The Walking Dead was too fucking talky and not enough zombie-killy this season so far. But when zombie Sophie walked out of that barn, it was a nut-kick that you rarely get on television. Hope, it seems, was for suckers.
Oh, it's that time, it's that time, it's that time again. The Rude Pundit rings out the old on a few words. Starting tomorrow, he'll be posting his annual end o' the year haiku retrospective. And he invites readers to send in their own trio of lines (5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables - the Rude Pundit likes his forms, motherfuckers). For instance, longtime rude reader and haiku contributor Mona P. got a jump on the festivities by sending in this one (even if she cheated on the last line):
2011 Countdown To Oblivion
Blackbirds plummeting
Arab spring when tyrants fell
Occupators fill streets
Send your own to "rudepundit@yahoo.com." Titles are not required. Neither are pants. The Rude Pundit will publish the best ones or the ones that tickle him in bad places on Friday and, if there's a-plenty, Monday.
And because life is not politics alone...
A Few Things That Brought the Rude Pundit Joy in This Wearying Year in This Ragged Nation:
1. Two musical moments: Elvis Costello tearing the Wellmont Theater in Montclair, New Jersey apart with a savage version of "I Want You." Over ten minutes of snarling singing and face-melting guitar work that was exhausting and exhilarating. And, at the Bonnaroo Music Festival in Tennessee in the intense heat of Sunday at noon, hearing The Head and the Heart perform their song "Rivers and Roads" was pure, unbathed hippie bliss.
2. Two museum moments: The Experience Music Project in Seattle is the museum that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame would be if it stopped trying to be a grown-up. And the Nirvana exhibit was actually, really interesting. At the Brooklyn Museum, the Norman Rockwell show was revelatory in an unexpected way: it showed how artificial his works were, in a way that you always knew, but really wanted them not to be. Just like America.
3. Two movies: Martin Scorsese's Hugo, which the Rude Pundit despised until, about two-thirds of the way through, during the George Melies sequence he realized he loved it. And the animated flick Rango, which was a deeply-weird, subversive drug dream masked as a kid's movie.
4. Two theatre moments (both on Broadway): The mythic end of the viscerally exciting play Jerusalem, where you realize that, sometimes, even liars are telling the truth. And, even though you're sick of hearing about it, The Book of Mormon, which was so funny and so twisted and so stupefyingly sweet (even with jokes about baby-fucking and having AIDS) that it actually helped the Rude Pundit feel better in the wake of a personal tragedy.
5. One TV moment: Yeah, yeah, The Walking Dead was too fucking talky and not enough zombie-killy this season so far. But when zombie Sophie walked out of that barn, it was a nut-kick that you rarely get on television. Hope, it seems, was for suckers.
12/27/2011
In Brief: A Few Lazy Observations on Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, and Barack Obama:
1. In a quote that got a bit lost last week in the orgy of various and sundry holiday celebrations, Barack Obama said, when asked by Barbara Walters about mistakes he's made as president, "When it comes to dealing with Congress, you know, of late, I've said, I'm not going to wait for Congress. I'm going to go ahead and just do whatever I have in my executive power. I think that there were times in my first couple a years where I kept on sitting there trying to see if we can negotiate some sort of compromise, and there just was a lot of refusal on the other side's part to compromise. And, I'd just stay at it...but as a consequence, I think a lot of time was lost that frustrated a lot of people around the country. They want to see action on behalf of some of these issues."
Whoa, whoa, there. You mean that Obama is realizing that motherfuckers actually do fuck their mothers? And that from here on out he's going to behave accordingly? Well, dude, put up or shut up.
2. Hey, poor, deluded Ron Paul supporters, how does it feel now that your racist, homophobic, anti-Semitic, paranoid candidate is getting all the attention you've felt he deserved? And to the Rude Pundit's friends who have tried to convince him since 2008 about the awesomeness that is Ron Paul, is drug legalization really worth that much of your self-esteem? And even if by some miracle he is nominated, remember what Paul himself said: he can't catch up to a running black man.
3. But, really, at the end of the day, fer fuck's sake, Republicans, just accept that Mitt Romney is your nominee. In a whiny-ass editorial in the Weekly Standard, William Kristol offers blow jobs and crystal meth to any savior candidate who jumps into the Republican race. "[I]t is no time for leaders to duck responsibility," he says before going into great detail about how he can't go another minute without getting Christie or Jeb or Rubio spooge on his face. It's kind of embarrassing to see what a shameless knob-gobbler Kristol admits to being.
It's Romney. It was always gonna be Romney. Just like it was always gonna be McCain. Just like it was always gonna be Dole. Sometimes things are just inevitable. Embrace it. Because any candidate that has any smarts at all ain't getting in this race just so that Michele Bachmann can get nasal and nasty on them or that they have to endure the degrading spectacle of being on a stage with Newt Gingrich. Ask Rick Perry how that savior gig worked out.
(Fun fact: In 1994, Kristol predicted in Campaigns and Election magazine that Bill Clinton would start and win "a large-scale land war" to shore up his popularity, that he'd have a primary challenger in 1996, and lose the election with less than 40% of the vote. Pay that man for advice.)
1. In a quote that got a bit lost last week in the orgy of various and sundry holiday celebrations, Barack Obama said, when asked by Barbara Walters about mistakes he's made as president, "When it comes to dealing with Congress, you know, of late, I've said, I'm not going to wait for Congress. I'm going to go ahead and just do whatever I have in my executive power. I think that there were times in my first couple a years where I kept on sitting there trying to see if we can negotiate some sort of compromise, and there just was a lot of refusal on the other side's part to compromise. And, I'd just stay at it...but as a consequence, I think a lot of time was lost that frustrated a lot of people around the country. They want to see action on behalf of some of these issues."
Whoa, whoa, there. You mean that Obama is realizing that motherfuckers actually do fuck their mothers? And that from here on out he's going to behave accordingly? Well, dude, put up or shut up.
2. Hey, poor, deluded Ron Paul supporters, how does it feel now that your racist, homophobic, anti-Semitic, paranoid candidate is getting all the attention you've felt he deserved? And to the Rude Pundit's friends who have tried to convince him since 2008 about the awesomeness that is Ron Paul, is drug legalization really worth that much of your self-esteem? And even if by some miracle he is nominated, remember what Paul himself said: he can't catch up to a running black man.
3. But, really, at the end of the day, fer fuck's sake, Republicans, just accept that Mitt Romney is your nominee. In a whiny-ass editorial in the Weekly Standard, William Kristol offers blow jobs and crystal meth to any savior candidate who jumps into the Republican race. "[I]t is no time for leaders to duck responsibility," he says before going into great detail about how he can't go another minute without getting Christie or Jeb or Rubio spooge on his face. It's kind of embarrassing to see what a shameless knob-gobbler Kristol admits to being.
It's Romney. It was always gonna be Romney. Just like it was always gonna be McCain. Just like it was always gonna be Dole. Sometimes things are just inevitable. Embrace it. Because any candidate that has any smarts at all ain't getting in this race just so that Michele Bachmann can get nasal and nasty on them or that they have to endure the degrading spectacle of being on a stage with Newt Gingrich. Ask Rick Perry how that savior gig worked out.
(Fun fact: In 1994, Kristol predicted in Campaigns and Election magazine that Bill Clinton would start and win "a large-scale land war" to shore up his popularity, that he'd have a primary challenger in 1996, and lose the election with less than 40% of the vote. Pay that man for advice.)
12/26/2011
Buy the Book, Listen to the Podcast, End Your Christmas Rudely:
1. You know how you got that new Kindle and are wondering what book you should purchase for future reading? Well, for Chrissake, invest in the 2012 edition of The Rude Pundit's Alamanack because unless you (in combination with everyone else in the world) purchase 500 copies, for Kindle, Nook, iPad, other thingamajigs, or hands, it won't be published and the country will collapse.
2. The Rude Pundit is pretty sure he's gotten to the point where he's pissing spiked egg nog. So while he cleans vomit off the stockings and...aw, who left a condom in the manger? Right on Joseph? That's just cruel ...you can enjoy last week's episode of Cheater and the Rude. The Rude Pundit doesn't remember much of what he said because of a visit to a fine pub beforehand, but he think he said some nasty, mean things about Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, and co-host Jeff Kreisler:
The book costs 10 bucks for the e-version. The podcast is always on the Rude Pundit.
1. You know how you got that new Kindle and are wondering what book you should purchase for future reading? Well, for Chrissake, invest in the 2012 edition of The Rude Pundit's Alamanack because unless you (in combination with everyone else in the world) purchase 500 copies, for Kindle, Nook, iPad, other thingamajigs, or hands, it won't be published and the country will collapse.
2. The Rude Pundit is pretty sure he's gotten to the point where he's pissing spiked egg nog. So while he cleans vomit off the stockings and...aw, who left a condom in the manger? Right on Joseph? That's just cruel ...you can enjoy last week's episode of Cheater and the Rude. The Rude Pundit doesn't remember much of what he said because of a visit to a fine pub beforehand, but he think he said some nasty, mean things about Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, and co-host Jeff Kreisler:
The book costs 10 bucks for the e-version. The podcast is always on the Rude Pundit.
12/23/2011
Continuing a Christmas Tradition (Now with Rubber Duckies):
Like movies about Bedford Falls suicides and the first and last time most of us ever heard of Gimbels, some things are a tradition around the rude house. Reruns are good for the soul. Like this blast from 2004, updated with a new and horrifying photo:
Xmas - And, lo, a small teddy bear will lead them:
In the days before Christmas, the Rude Pundit roamed his neighborhood, looking at the displays in the charming stores and corner markets. There he saw the agony of so many dichotomous feelings about this holiday. One window had a kneeling, praying Santa next to a baby Jesus in the manger. Santa's hat was off. He was balding. Another display had the jolly old fat man landing his sleigh and reindeer on the roof of the manger. Surprisingly, neither Mary nor Joseph seemed rattled by the noise, although a camel was looking upward, as if asking, "What the fuck?" The Rude Pundit loved that camel.
Ah, sweet camel, what the fuck, indeed. Christ and commerce, Alleluia. The Savior has been born and he thanks you for your presents. Santa showing that he'll even honor the king of the Jews in the land of Islam. There's no telling what it means (and don't get all up in the Rude Pundit's face about St. Nicholas). Except this: we want to embrace both things, good deconstructionists that we are: Santa, who soothes our greed,and Jesus, who promises us peace. Either way, we want them both to tell us we're good people, nice people. And, of course, guilt-ridden Christians want to make sure that Santa toes the party line, you know.
For the holiday, here's a few of the Rude Pundit's favorite Nativity sets:
That right there is the Veggie Tales Nativity. In case you don't know, Veggie Tales are cute vegetables who love Christ and salad tossing. The newborn savior up there is a carrot. Get it? A baby carrot? What a delight.
Holy shit, that bear nativity is one of the creepiest fucking things the Rude Pundit's ever seen. Staring straight ahead with their dead eyes, it looks like a satanic cult sacrifice to some horrible bear-demon. Although, the three wise bears have provided snacks for the blood rite: salmon, honey, and berries. All go well with cub entrails.
The Boyds Bears Nativity is way better and cuter, even if, in that picture, they all seem to be looking at you and saying, "We can see you masturbate."
And who can take a bath without your rubber duckie nativity? You can use one of your nipples as the Star of Bethlehem.
This is not to mention the Chickentivity, the Moosetivity, the Barntivity, the Native American Nativity, and the various Beartivities, all available unironically for your Christmas consumption.
(Note: Previous editions of the nativity post have included the Dogtivity, but Mitt Romney put Dog Mary, Dog Joseph, and Puppy Jesus in a cage on top of his car and drove around until he killed them.)
Like movies about Bedford Falls suicides and the first and last time most of us ever heard of Gimbels, some things are a tradition around the rude house. Reruns are good for the soul. Like this blast from 2004, updated with a new and horrifying photo:
Xmas - And, lo, a small teddy bear will lead them:
In the days before Christmas, the Rude Pundit roamed his neighborhood, looking at the displays in the charming stores and corner markets. There he saw the agony of so many dichotomous feelings about this holiday. One window had a kneeling, praying Santa next to a baby Jesus in the manger. Santa's hat was off. He was balding. Another display had the jolly old fat man landing his sleigh and reindeer on the roof of the manger. Surprisingly, neither Mary nor Joseph seemed rattled by the noise, although a camel was looking upward, as if asking, "What the fuck?" The Rude Pundit loved that camel.
Ah, sweet camel, what the fuck, indeed. Christ and commerce, Alleluia. The Savior has been born and he thanks you for your presents. Santa showing that he'll even honor the king of the Jews in the land of Islam. There's no telling what it means (and don't get all up in the Rude Pundit's face about St. Nicholas). Except this: we want to embrace both things, good deconstructionists that we are: Santa, who soothes our greed,and Jesus, who promises us peace. Either way, we want them both to tell us we're good people, nice people. And, of course, guilt-ridden Christians want to make sure that Santa toes the party line, you know.
For the holiday, here's a few of the Rude Pundit's favorite Nativity sets:
That right there is the Veggie Tales Nativity. In case you don't know, Veggie Tales are cute vegetables who love Christ and salad tossing. The newborn savior up there is a carrot. Get it? A baby carrot? What a delight.
Holy shit, that bear nativity is one of the creepiest fucking things the Rude Pundit's ever seen. Staring straight ahead with their dead eyes, it looks like a satanic cult sacrifice to some horrible bear-demon. Although, the three wise bears have provided snacks for the blood rite: salmon, honey, and berries. All go well with cub entrails.
The Boyds Bears Nativity is way better and cuter, even if, in that picture, they all seem to be looking at you and saying, "We can see you masturbate."
And who can take a bath without your rubber duckie nativity? You can use one of your nipples as the Star of Bethlehem.
This is not to mention the Chickentivity, the Moosetivity, the Barntivity, the Native American Nativity, and the various Beartivities, all available unironically for your Christmas consumption.
(Note: Previous editions of the nativity post have included the Dogtivity, but Mitt Romney put Dog Mary, Dog Joseph, and Puppy Jesus in a cage on top of his car and drove around until he killed them.)
