Posted by Emperor Misha I on January 2, 2012
From PCWorld (h/t Bill Quick).
Which differs from the usual “bold” predictions of future tech in that it actually talks about stuff we don’t already have, whereas most of the clowns predicting tech stuff are just “predicting” that our current tech will become faster, prettier and cheaper. Which is like “boldly” predicting that the next big Apple phone will be called iPhone 5 or that we’ll one day see PetaByte SS drives.
The article is marred a bit by the author, as so many other idiots before him, predicting that the desktop PC will be replaced by smartphones. Which must be the 769th time that the desktop PC has been declared dead, yet here we are, still typing away on one.
Obviously, the author has never used a desktop PC for anything other than playing solitaire or browsing for pr0n (NTTAWT), or perhaps he’d like to explain how desktop users like yours truly will happily throw their current desktops away so they can play Fallout: New Vegas on a 2.5″ smartphone screen? Or how about the guys at Pixar making their next movie on a screen the size of a slice of toast with the immense graphic processing powers of an Android phone?
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Posted by Emperor Misha I on January 1, 2012
(Via American Power):
And there you have it. Anti-Semites, check. Socialists, check. Violent, check. Mildly to severely retarded, check.
Here’s a hint, twinkletoes: You’re not the 99%. You’re the 1% on the other end of the bell curve. The 1% who, quite frankly, makes His Imperial Majesty wonder if eugenics really is such a bad idea after all.
Briefly. Because we believe that everybody can be redeemed. Besides, you’re just the result of a couple of decades of intense, liberal brainwashing, something that was only allowed to occur because too many good people sat on their bloody arses and did nothing to stop it. We can’t really blame you for that.
So welcome to the Imperial Recovery Program. You’ll only have to roll up your sleeves and understand a few, basic concepts about how the real world outside of your parents’ basement works and then you, too, can become useful to humanity.
1) You’re not owed a damn thing by anybody until you’ve earned it. Just as you never found yourself owing the local Apple Store $5,000 until after you greedily grabbed every bloody gizmo in there and swept daddy’s credit card through the Magic Money Machine on the counter.
2) You don’t work, you don’t eat. A corollary to the above. Yes, we know that mom and dad served you food all day long as you were growing up and yes, we know that they had this wonderful magic pantry and ice box that kept themselves full at all times. Here’s a hint: It wasn’t fairy dust that filled them up.
Remember all those hours mom and dad spent away from home while you were sitting around moping about how they didn’t spend enough time appreciating the wonder that is you? You know what they were doing? They were working so that your ungrateful little arse could wander into the kitchen at all hours and find something to eat. Welcome to the real world. Now it’s your turn to keep the pantry and ice box full. You don’t have to like it, just as long as you understand that none of the rest of us have an obligation to feed you.
3) So you really want to work or, as the case might be, “work”, but you can’t find anybody wanting to employ somebody with the Master’s in Gender Studies that you wasted $100,000 acquiring because all of the other useful degrees had Math or something equally difficult in them? Time to recalibrate your expectations, then, because it isn’t anybody else’s job to feed your useless butt while you sit around waiting for a $200,000/year sinecure in Gender Studies to fall into your lap.
If you have no useful skills, now would be a good time to start acquiring them. Start out small. Those potatoes aren’t going to peel themselves, nor does the trash in the streets get eaten by trash fairies while you’re sleeping. No, it’s not “beneath you.” At this point, nothing is “beneath you” since you’re currently as useful to society as teats on a bull. So get started. Make yourself useful. It’ll pay the bills until your fantasy job comes along and, more importantly, it will keep the rest of us from wondering if it wouldn’t be better to just turn you into Soylent Green.
4) You’re young, so you think you know it all. That’s normal. Here’s what’s also normal: You don’t know shit and the rest of us who do don’t give a simmering, slimy shit about what you think you know, so just shut the fuck up and get back to work, m’kay? If you have a complaint or a suggestion, write it on a piece of paper and slip it into the Complaint Box. We promise never to read it and, we assure you, in 20 or so more years when you do know something, you’ll be grateful that we never did.
Just embrace these simple rules and we’ll all get along fine.
If you don’t, then… We won’t. A capisce?
Thatisall.
Categories: Occutards | Tags: | 25 Comments »
Posted by Emperor Misha I on January 1, 2012
His Imperial Majesty is always deeply skeptical when it comes to thing Aegyptian, much like we always beware Thracians bearing gifts, and so it was with the “wonderful news” of the “Arab Spring” getting rid of that vile dictator Mubarak and ushering in a golden age of freedom, democracy and perhaps even sexy and whiskey in the land of Cleopatra (that shameless hussy).
But nah, who were we to be nay-saying the obvious advantages of getting rid of a dictator (provided, of course, that said dictator isn’t ourself) when the downtrodden masses of Aegyptus obviously were just yearning to be free, open and tolerant? Not to mention that, as we were told numerous times by the OgabeMedia, this encouraging development was quite clearly a direct consequence of their Beloved Black Jesus’ soaring Cairo speech which, along with waters receding, cooler summers and milder winters, permanent tailwinds on bicycle paths all around the world and making paraplegics walk, had also brought about this miraculous turn of events deep in the belly of Arabian totalitarianism.
They may want to walk back their messiah’s direct responsibility a bit.
Relations between Egypt’s military rulers and the United States threatened to hit a new low after Egyptian security forces launched unprecedented armed raids on a series of high profile human rights and pro-democracy organisations.
The raids included targeting the US-government funded National Democratic Institute – founded by former secretary of state Madeleine Albright – and the International Republican Institute, whose chairman is Republican senator John McCain. Both organisations are affiliated with the two major US political parties.
The orchestrated move by Egypt’s generals, apparently keen to play up to anti-US and nationalist feelings in the country, will be seen as highly provocative in Washington, which underwrites military aid to Egypt to the sum of $1.3bn (£843m) annually.
As “thank you” cards go, this one leaves a bit to be desired, if you ask us. Maybe if we hand them another billion, they’ll rape our female journalists too? Oh wait… Can’t make omelet without breaking a few eggs, right? Although Ms Logan might disagree, but that would just go to show that she, unlike Ear Leader, doesn’t see the Big Picture.
At least the new, democratic, Arab Spring Aegyptus will guarantee peace on Earth and goodwill towards men in the Middle East, right?
Erm, about that (h/t Bill Quick)…
When asked whether it is a requirement for the government in Egypt to recognize Israel, Bayoumi responded by saying: “This is not an option, whatever the circumstances, we do not recognize Israel at all. Its [Israel] an occupying criminal enemy.”
The deputy leader stressed during the interview that no Muslim Brotherhood members would ever meet with Israelis for negotiations. “I will not allow myself to sit down with criminals.”
Bayoumi went on to say that The Muslim Brotherhood would take legal procedures towards cancelling the peace treaty between Egypt and Israel that was signed in 1979. “The Brotherhood respects international conventions, but we will take legal action against the peace treaty with the Zionist entity,” he told the paper.
How positively adorable! So it looks like yet another country embraces pisslamic fundamentalist Jooo-hatred.
You know, it’s funny when you think about it. Depending on your definition of “funny”, that is.
For all of his life, Osama bin Laden tried everything he could to unite the Ummah under the banner of pisslamic fundamentalism, but to say that he didn’t have much luck with his project would be a British Understatement.
But along comes B. Hussein Obama, and in three short years… Egypt, Syria, Libya and, we’re sure, soon Iraq… (UPDATE: and you can add Afghanistan too, as the Ogabe administration is currently engaged in surrender talks with the Taliban).
Makes you wonder if his order to take out bin Laden was more of a palace coup than anything else.
Heckuva job, Barry!
Thatisall.
Categories: Religion of Piss, Stuttering Clusterfuck Of A Miserable Failure, The Long War | Tags: | 4 Comments »
Posted by Emperor Misha I on December 31, 2011
The Imperial Consigiliere sums up 2011 depressingly perfectly and resolves to not go quietly. We join him in that resolution. As we join in Jerry Philipson’s resolution to use every legal means available to us to stop president Downgrade McFoodstamp from being re-elected next year (h/t the Botnet), because if that happens, then the next
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Categories: Public Announcements, Stuttering Clusterfuck Of A Miserable Failure | Tags: | 30 Comments »
Posted by Emperor Misha I on December 31, 2011
Because we just found out that we won the Debra Morgan Award™ for Best Use of Cursewords! Tied, to be sure, with the excellent Cold Fury and Doubleplusundead, but being tied with those two in that category is an honor in and of itself. So have a Happy New Year, LCs and GLORs, and may
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Categories: Public Announcements | Tags: | 21 Comments »
Posted by Emperor Misha I on December 30, 2011
What a can of whoop-ass looks like inside? Wonder no more:
Categories: The Long War | Tags: | 16 Comments »
I would be remiss if I were to not acknowledge the...
Brave New Tech Predictions
December 30th, 2011
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