Denver Happily Concedes Police Duties to Vigilante In Tights

'The fifteen hundred men and women in uniform we have protecting our streets in Denver are enormously pleased that the city has such a fantastic crime-fighting asset,' said Denver Police Captain Thomas Bradford. 'We may have professional training, years of experience, and a tightly integrated network of logistical support, but there's just no substitute for a guy in tights.'

Iraq Vet Dies Trying to Protect Buffet Ice Cream Machine from Obese Woman

According to official reports, Rodriguez, a non-US citizen who served eighteen months in Iraq before being discharged after sustaining the ill-effects of a concussive blast in July, died almost immediately from trauma he received from Jessica Clark of nearby Glenhaven when he attempted to repel the morbidly obese woman's seventh trip back to the all-you-can-eat restaurant's dessert bar.

Bin Laden Thanks Christian Extremists For Their Support

'Every time Americans do something stupid like the Abu Ghraib scandal, the reaction against a New York Islamic center or this man in Florida threatening to burn the Koran it makes my job so much easier. We’re going to exceed our recruitment goals for the month thanks to you guys.'

Obama Glad Pastor Didn't Burn 'My Beloved Quran'

When reporters noted the Bible was still sealed in its plastic wrapper, Obama abruptly stopped taking questions, knelt on his hands and knees on the small rug in front of his desk to 'find a lost contact lens,' muttered what some believe sounded like 'Glory to my Lord Allah, the Most High Most Praiseworthy,' and left the room hurriedly.

Catholic Church Finds Innocent Priest, Excommunicates Him

Father Quentin O'Daily, 42, originally of Fargo, North Dakota, was paraded in front of the news media as the quintessential new model priest of the 21st Century. His background was verified by Funk and Wagnals as well as Price Waterhouse.

'Have You Found Jesus?' Question Baffles Local Resident

The good preacher was not prepared for the conversation that took place after his query. The inquiry brought about concern and confusion, rather than the intended discussion about spirituality and evangelism. This was apparent almost immediately, when McKeever asked Devaney, 'Is he missing? When did you last see him?' and then began frantically searching the New Church Street sidewalk.

How to Pick a New Favorite Team When You Know Nothing About Football

We've eliminated all but seven teams! I'm about ready to buy some face paint but I have to make some final cuts. There's a special, elite group of losers which has never been to a Superbowl. These are my true underdogs: Jaguars, the Houston Texans, the Lions and the Browns. Animal teams have already been culled, so that leaves Cleveland and Houston.

Headlines - 01/03/2012

CAP News

Five-Second Rule Extended To Eight Seconds

The National Institute of Standards and Technology finally agreed to expand the age-old rule after a lobby effort by very busy parents dating back three years.

The Uncoveror

Just Make Some Cheese and Pepperoni

There were two desert pizzas, one with a suspicious white sauce, and even one with potatoes on it. I kid you not, potatoes on a pizza!

News Mutiny

Peyton Manning Expects to Make Full Return to Commercials in 2012

Peyton Manning said Friday he expects to make a full return to commercials in 2012.

The Satirical Political Report

Dan Savage Recoils at Notion of Surging Santorum as 'Flavor of the Month'

Sometimes politics makes for disgusting bedfellows.

TheSkunk.org

Dog Travels 1400 Miles Back to Its Old Cage at Animal Shelter

A female cocker spaniel traveresed a thousand miles of unfamiliar terrain for six weeks to make her way back to her old cage at the Etowah County Animal Shelter.

The World's Voice of Reason

January 2012 - Funny Horoscopes

AWARDS

British Dentists Association - Most Discussed Horoscope When A Suction Pipe Is In A Patient's Mouth, Taurus, March 2011

The Embraceable Topless Funny Horoscope Erotica Review, November 2011, Best Erotic Funny Horoscope

You'll Never Get Away With That Magazine, Capricorn excuse of the year 2010

Multimillionaire Celebrity Magazine: How to get Ryan Gosling's physique by just eating cakes and sitting watching the television, New Year Funny Horoscope workout January 2011

A Great American Hero

Award-winning humor writer Greg Robillard has hit the bookshelves with his first full-length novel, and takes no prisoners in a story that is part political satire, part comic-book parody, and part celebrity tell-all.

Get the article!

Misheard Lyrics

Personally, I never understood lyrics properly when I was actually young, never mind now. Apparently, I wasn't alone. Misheard Lyrics offers a delightful array of user-submitted videos illustrating just what people REALLY hear when they listen to popular songs.

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