Fred Note: I’m answering Jaclyn’s call to post something meaningful for the first time in more than a month. My apologies for not writing sooner. I’ve been quite busy, which is a good thing because that means more money.
As many of you know, I’m an Iraq veteran—a title I’m very proud of. You may also know that I’ve had a tough time—and still do—readjusting. To understand the depths, read some of my old posts at In Iraq for 365.
Jaclyn has been the reason why I didn’t drink myself to death or sell my hot body to random Russian women at an African farmer’s market.
When we started dating, she listened to all my stories and over the phone, I read her my book, Camera Boy. At the time, I hated my job. (I went back to work way too early.) I even hated this country for how nobody seemed to know about what’s going on in Iraq. I drank constantly and didn’t look forward to anything… except talking to Jaclyn.
Sometimes, I’d call her and not remember. The next day, I’d start the conversation with “did I say anything stupid last night?” which I tend to do sober.
It’s not like Jaclyn came into my life and the nightmares, anxiety, frustrations and jumpyness went away. I still jump at loud noises and wake up fearing for my life, but instead of emptying every beer can in the fridge, I hold Jaclyn…and she talks in her “sweet voice” and I feel better. But she sets limits, too, making sure that I don’t become dependent. (She is a mental health professional after all.)
I do have PTSD, a disorder that makes me feel and think things I cannot control, and it is caused by the trauma I experienced. Some people see combat and are able to resume a normal life. I couldn’t. Why is beyond me. I’m not ashamed and hate that a stigma is attached to it.
Nonetheless, Jaclyn has helped me become more stable and less focused on the troubling memories. She thwarts my deep anger—often triggered by Iraq War talks or random noises—with her undying emotional support and tender heart. They say for every great man is a great woman. Well, I don’t know if I’ll ever be great, but I know with Jaclyn by my side, I’ve got a shot.
I was reminded of how much I loved Jaclyn just a few seconds ago, when a former Iraq interpreter emailed me. He just received asylum in the United States and now resides in Washington. He kindly writes:
“How are you, I miss you, I am so happy to know about your wedding `congratulation`, I wished I can come to the party, but unfortunately my wife had a very bad time when we flew last time from Jordan to Seattle, she became very sick and it tooks long time till she became better. …Congratulation again and we wish you a happy new life.”
Thank you my friend. And welcome to America. We’ll send you our wedding pictures.
p.s. Enshallah