Well folks, it’s that time of year. Time for the B&P round up of everything that was awesome and everything that was G-dawful in the state of Kentucky in the year that was.
Suffice to say, it’s good we’ve put this one behind us.
But! Before we try to just forget it, let’s walk down a hellish memory lane and revisit the highs and lows (spoiler alert: there are a lot of lows).
Because there are so many awards — and because we procrastinated again — we’ll be doing this in parts. We’ll get to MOMENTS & ACHIEVEMENTS (featuring 2011′s Best Moment!) and PEOPLE (who was Kentucky’s person of the year?) in the next couple days. First…
THE 2011 ROOTIES for SIGHTS & SOUNDS!
***BEST FASHION***
RUNNERS UP:
Mitch McConnell spent July 4th in Campbellsville in these attractive red pants. So don’t you dare say he’s not patriotic. (Also, they make his butt look cute.)
Not to be outdone, our other Senator set the fashion world a-buzz with this DC Metro ensemble. Here you see Rand Paul not only bringing back that color of blue jean but matching it with a almost clashing blue picnic-table shirt, some un-American trainers and what appears to be either a shoulder bag. No good lady can go out in the big city without a handbag full of make-up and perhaps a change of clothes. Also fashionable? Collectivist transportation.
Hal Rogers get’s a Runner Up award for this outstanding crotch shot. The House Appropriations Chief spent the year pretending to be a vegetarian, eschwing pork while attacking the President and Democrats for spending federal money to better America. Here the budget slashing Congressman sports a rigid incisor at the opening of an Obama-funded business incubator in Eastern Kentucky, proof that even the drabbest outfit can be transformed by a well-placed accessory:
For the second year in a row, the Lexington July 4th festivities brought out the best in the Lexington Tea Party. Last year it was their “YUP, I’M A RACIST!” t-shirts that caught the national fancy and this year they were back with this attractive earth tone (or here):
Obviously America’s last cowboy, Rick Perry, left his indelible print upon our year:
Richie Farmer started a national sensation with this haircut (or here) which was eventually adopted by teen idol Justin Bieber.
WINNER:
“He’s sitting down there with his legs crossed, participating in Hindu prayers with a dot on his forehead with incense burning around him. I don’t know what the man was thinking.” – David Williams
Thanks to David Williams, everyone in the world continues to think of Kentucky as a backward, ignorant land full of idiots. As far as we’re concerned, Steve Beshear‘s fashion statement gave the governor a brief reprieve as the chief panderer in the State. (And maybe this is why Steve failed to beat Dave by 30 points.)
***BEST IMAGE***
RUNNERS UP:
Bankruptcy or no bankruptcy, failed candidate for auditor John Kemper looks good in leather and his campaign knew how to deliver a message. Or at least an image.
Rand Paul rode a liberty bicycle (VIDEO):
Jim Newberry‘s New Digital Media Empire put a smile on the faces of their tens of readers for months on end:
With both Lexington and Louisville enjoying new Mayors as 2011 got under way, Jim Gray and Greg Fischer made a bet over the the Kentucky/Louisville game and — do you remember? — Jorts and Co. destroyed the Cards. While Louisville may no longer exist, this shot of Lexington’s dear Wildcat on the Looeyville Mayoral desk still does:
On the 3rd Anniversary of B&P last March, Joe and his 8-year-old niece had a brainstorming session. They set forth a course for the future which apparently the rest of us didn’t read closely enough because there’s a hidden message about Sonka selling out and repatriating to Pitinoville.
For a brief period of time, people kind of tried to like the Webbs:
Stephen Shepard captured this spirit of the Occupy Lexington action:
For the first year of my life I was
HOMELESS
I am the 99%
After a magazine no one actually reads named Lexington the Laziest City in America, Lexington got together and celebrated with a sedentary parade, complete with the Mayor riding a couch, making headlines out of lemons.
WINNER:
After an extended sit-in at the Governor’s office, Steve Beshear promised to come look at poisoned water of Eastern Kentucky. The Governor appeared puzzled, as if none of his King Coal friends had ever mentioned such a thing and, pretty much speechless, Beshear returned to Frankfort a changed man, no longer shilling to the Coal companies while the state’s poorest and most vulnerable citizens continue to suffer.
J/k! He totally didn’t give a sh*t about the poison water. But we’ll get to that later. For now, congrats to Steve, KFTC and all the Sit-In folks for making these amazing images happen. More on them all to come.
***BEST QUOTE***
RUNNERS UP:
“He’s about as dumb as a brick.”
– Don Dugi, Transylvania professor explaining Lt. Governor candidate Richie Farmer to the Washington Post.
“Empower Grandma on the private market.”
– Mitch McConnell, explaining how your grandmother who may or may not understand how to use a DVR is going to trade complex derivatives so that Social Security can be destroyed.
“I wasn’t there.”
–David Williams explains how Steve Beshear’s Dinosaur Ark Park will never be built because the feasibility study makes no sense, when asked if he ascribes to the Beshear-endorsed notion of man co-habitating with T-Rexes.
“Heritage Action is a self-interested fundraising organization … a worthless organization to the conservative movement.”
4th District Congressman Geofferson Davis, attacking the far right Heritage Institute. He would go on to call out the wider population of opportunists who are manipulating already disturbed voters, saying: “A lot of people who may be conservative are also profiting off the anger they are creating outside.”
WINNER:
“Oh my god. That’s just crazy… Really that is wacko.”
–Isabel Sawhill, economist at the Brookings Institute, reacting to Rand Paul‘s fantasy budget that would have stripped funding from eduction, research, infrastructure, food and drug testing, consumer safety, food stamps, housing, Big Bird and Terry Gross, among other things.
***WORST/MOST DISGUSTING QUOTE***
RUNNERS UP:
“Secession is an option.”
–Jim Gooch, the Commonwealth’s most embarrassing legislator (and in whose honor we long ago named the “Worst Kentucky Democrat” Rootie), explaining how the state might respond to EPA rules on mountaintop removal.
Q: What is a word that starts with a “N” and ends with an “R” that you never, ever, ever, want to call a black person?
A: Neighbor.
–Morgan Hancock, fellow-traveller of local conservative “personality” Leland Conway, tells a joke on facebook. Do you get it? Do you?
“I think it’s not whether we need to cut it; it’s whether we need to quadruple it.”
–Doug Martin, Lexington’s foul-mouthed city councilmember, responding to calls for slashing Commerce Lexington’s taxpayer financing after they submitted a fabricated “economic analysis” of the city.
“I apologize if it offends anyone.”
–Bob Farmer, the Democrats nominee for Commissioner of Agriculture, not apologizing for basically calling Kentuckians a bunch of toothless, inbred hicks.
“I didn’t say that… It doesn’t even make sense.”
–Steve Beshear, after calling KY GOP Senators “fat guys” on tape.
“We just found with the Caylee Anthony case how difficult it is to get a conviction in a U.S. Court.”
–Mitch McConnell, mongering fear and stupidity about the Bowling Green terror case.
“We want to keep passing things on the House side that would reverse things EPA is doing simply because we’d like to see those 22 Democratic senators up for re-election next year vote on some of this.”
–Ed Whitfield, 1st District Congressman in a moment of honesty, explaining how the House GOP has no interest in creating jobs or helping (or even protecting) everyday Americans and are focused solely on debasing the debate in hopes of controlling both houses of Congress. Just like Mitch and his “top priority,” Ed and friends just want to destroy the President, and they don’t care how much you get hurt in the process.
“I don’t know the love that this fellow over here has for the Big Orange (TN). I tell you, I don’t like their football, I don’t like their basketball, and that Jack Daniels is not a bourbon, it doesn’t qualify.”
–Steve Beshear, insulting the intelligence of pretty much everyone.
“I’m for more profit. I’m for creating more rich people. Everybody succeed, that’s what’s great about capitalism.“
–Rand Paul, fundamentally misunderstanding the entire concept of capitalism.
“Keep trading!”
–Trader on Wall Street, during the earthquake.
“We need to not look enviously at the fellow next to us who has three cars and we have one car…. We need to get out there and work hard. We need to be educated. We need our kids to thrive. We can do it again, but you’re never getting there by envy. You’re not getting there by class warfare. You have to get there by producing things again and thriving as a country.”
–Rand Paul, Class Warrior, because the income inequality in America isn’t the result of class warfare at all.
“It’s not Roo-ee-ville, it’s Roo-uh-ville.”
–Hal Rogers, racist Congressman, mocking the Chinese ambassador.
“There are people now who hesitate to tell a joke to a woman in the workplace, any kind of joke, because it could be interpreted incorrectly. I don’t. I’m very cautious.”
–Rand Paul, whose mother is so stupid she thinks gold is not just another imaginary currency. In context though, Rand was defending sexual harassment in the workplace, in particular as regards Herman Cain.
“There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”
–Newt Gingrich, serial womanizer and bad husband, explaining how patriotism soiled his vows.
Some Christians today are like the hippies of 50 years ago who used the word “love” to justify their fornications and sins against the word of God. The hippie culture is often pictured as a group of drug-addicted, fornicating drunks whose catchphrase “make love, not war” gave their movement a false sense of piety.
–Nathan Ham, son of Dinosaur Ark Park genius Ken Ham, keeping it real. Where can we find all these dope smoking fornicating Christians? Is there a directory?
“Welfare has destroyed the African-American family by telling young black women that husbands and fathers are unnecessary and obsolete. Welfare has subsidized illegitimacy by offering financial rewards to women who have more children out of wedlock. We have incentivized fornication rather than marriage, and it’s no wonder we are now awash in the disastrous social consequences of people who rut like rabbits.”
–The American Family Association, a hate group that — for some reason — still gets taken seriously by Kentucky politicians and some members of the media.
WINNER:
All those quotes above were pretty good… or pretty bad, since this is the WORST QUOTE category, but to them we say:
Much respect goes out to Gov. Steve Beshear for sweeping the Quote category. Dude knows how to win.
***BEST VIDEO***
RUNNERS UP:
Rep. Jackie Speier‘s takes on the “Jobs Jobs Jobs” Republican House as they waste America’s time over Planned Parenthood:
Joe Sonka chats with fetus fetishists on the University of Kentucky campus. They discuss how many years in prison women should receive… but it turns out women are really stupid and murderous doctors are confusing the simple-minded women. Silly women.
Bernie Sanders humiliates Rand Paul over the “enslavement” of our nation’s health care workers. Are they human, are they dancer or are they slaves!?
Rachel Maddow roasts Mitch McConnell, rodeo queen:
Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy
WINNER:
This has nothing to do with Kentucky, except that it probably explains part of Steve Beshear’s thinking about the dinosaur boat, but Kentucky or not, there is no denying this is the best video of 2011.
How’d it here? Can you explain it to me? How did this little video get here? C’mon.
Bill O’Reilly — Tide Goes In, Tide Goes Out, Never a Miscommunication.
***WORST VIDEO***
RUNNERS UP:
Can you get through the full 10:00 minutes of Rand Paul trying to make jokes? It’s terrible. Terrible. He does make fun of Newt Gingrich for leaving all his wives on their… vows. But seriously, this is terrible.
Jack Conway skateboards and tells kids to eat well:
Morgan Hancock‘s hilarious joke about neighbors and black people was just a preview of her larger comedic talents. The studio audience LOVES LOVES LOVES this video… will you?
WINNER:
Bob Farmer’s stand-up routine. More or less funny than Rand Paul and Morgan Hancock? Hard to say. What you can say, though, is this guy lost his election and the Dems failed to sweep the state.
***BEST MUSICAL PERFORMANCE***
RUNNERS UP:
The Phil Moffett Doo Doo Doody Song. Doody? Doody.
The Battle Hymn of Sarah Palin. She’s heading South to hunt some skunk, dontcha know.
Herman Cain is America, and you can too.
Sharon Angle sings I’m Proud to be an American. Her voice is more powerful and dangerous than her Second Amendment remedies.
WINNER:
Rivoli Revue’s “Phil Moffett Song”. This is the second year in a row that this talented and dashing pair of white people have taken the Rootie in this category. Phil Moffett couldn’t afford to put up a single television ad, but they did manage to pay this red-blooded immigrant-hating duo to make this stirring song, accompanied by gripping stock photos in the accompanying YouTube video. What will they do next?! (*Thomas Massie for Congress, cough*)
