With big announcement of the2011 Dumbass of the Yearand the big threefer Dumbass of the Day post from yesterday, we have begun the new year with both barrels ablazin'. Kind of like our dumbass today, except that I am using "both barrels ablazin'" as a metaphor for getting off to a rousing start. Our Dumbass of the Day uses "bothbarrels ablazin'" in a very literal sense. Allow me to elucidate.
The Elucidation
There's a young lady, a teenager in fact, in Cheyenne, Wyomingwho was visiting her local Starbucks so she could waste $5 on a cup of coffee that she could buy somewhere else for $1.29, when a very strange thing happened. Her purse went off. Not went off like it grew legs and ran away. Went off as in POW! Like a gun! Wanna know why it sounded like a gun? Because it was a gun! As much as I hate to say this about teenagers, this chick is a dumbass. She had an over and under (one barrel on top of another barrel) derringer in her purse and somehow the damn thing discharged. The bullet went through a chair and embedded itself in a wall on the other side of the coffee shop. This young lady is lucky that the bullet didn't go through another customer and embed itself in yet another bystander. The cops were summoned to the scene and were not exactly what one would call "amused". "Pissed" is more like it. They cited the dumbass with possession of a firearm by ajuvenile which carries a $750 bond and an automatic (no gun pun intended) court appearance.
The 2nd Amendment
If you've been stoopid enough to have read this blog for any length of time, you know that I am big Constitutionalist. If it's in the Constitution of the United States, leave it the hell alone! This is especially true of the Second Amendment, the one that gives Americans the right to keep and bear arms. There are many good reasons for this amendment being the second one right behind the Freedom of Speech thing, but those are for discussion on another day.
Anyway, the right to bear arms in the state of Wyoming is not afforded to those not yet of the majority age. For those of you in San Francisco that means a person must be at least 18 in order to legally have a gun in Wyoming. Commie Dumbasses. (in SF, not Wyoming)
Having said all that, with gun ownership comes great responsibility and this girl obviously left responsibility at home when she was packing heat in the first place, much less in a public establishment like Starbucks.As was done, she received the punishment due to her and still faces other charges. Maybe. It's up to the DA in Cheyenne.
The Right to Be a Dumbass
I don't normally cover subjects that are so serious, but even dumbasses, myself included, need a reminder of what it takes to be a good American Dumbass. This country has allowed us to be the finest dumbasses on the planet, so let's do our due diligence in showing our gratitude for such an opportunity. Remember, there are places on this Big Blue Marble that punish and demean dumbasses and gun owners but celebrate sissies and perverts. Like San Francisco. Pussies.
As for our little Annie Oakley at Starbucks...quit packing a rod and tote some feminine hygiene products instead. You never know when you'll be in San Fran and one of the pussies there will need one.
And start drinking decaf. You'll be much better off.
Fresh off the crowning of the 1st Annual Fred G. Sanford "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awardwinner, we jump right into the search for the 2012 "You Big Dummy" recipient. And, brother, are we jumpin' in!
Running a post like this one following an epic event like the FGSYBDDOTYA is at best a risky proposition. How does one come up with something that comes even closeto such a monster? The monster that I, myself, created? What have I become? Dr. Dumbass-enstein? Lord, save me from my own genius!
What do you think? Will the Shakespearian quality of the preceding paragraph enhance my chances for winning a Pulitzer? I mean, the drama, the internal conflict within my soul, the inspiration from Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein!What more could the dumbassesthe fine members of the Pulitzer Committee want? But, I digress.
The Subject at Hand Sorry, I lost my mind just for a moment. Anyway, today's first story of 2012 features something that I don't know whether to applaud or be appalled by. Let me splain.
El Splain-o
Police in Fort Myers, Florida were conducting a sting operation hoping to find some guys committing acts of lewdness in public. The site of this clandestine operation was Bunche Beach. The law put some undercover male detectiveson the beach where the lewd-idity occurred hoping to bust these naughty dumbasses. It didn't take longbefore the cops got their men. Yes, I said male cops and men. Old men. A couple of them very old men.Old and very old as in 62, 73 and 82 years old. One is from New York, another from Illinois and the other guy is from Florida. So, what we have here is a national sample of some perverted old guys who have, in their Golden Years, have discovered how to be a homo, not that there's anything wrong with that.
The reason these three senior citizen dumbasses were busted is because they approached the fuzz and showed them (the cops) their "concha shells" and "sand dollars", ifykwimaityd. As I mentioned above, I don't know whether to cheer these dirty old bastards on or wish them to rot in Hell. But the laws of the State of the F.L.A. say that the old fuckers are criminals and so it is.
Questions
As always, a few questions come to mind.These threedipshits are in The Sunshine State, right? Beaches, warm weather, half nekkid young women running around all over the place and so forth. In other words, there were plenty of chances for the old farts to flash their "manatees" at some good lookin' babes. Why in God's name would they want to exhibit their "buried treasures" to men? Are they just now discovering their inner homo? Or are they just "curious"?
Another thing, ain't there any eligible, horny old rich women for these dumbassesto hit on? I'm fairly sure that many of the rich, old horny women in Fort Myers haven't seen "conchas" and "sand dollars" in quite sometime and would be willing to play "hidden treasure" or "let me walk your plank, Sailor" at the drop of a hat.
I guess we'll never know since our "wanna see my sand castle?" trio have probably gone incognito. Or to the pastel part of Miami.
Attention Dumbasses around the World!The moment you both have been waiting for is here! Despite the public outcry and against the advice of the Dumbass News legal staff, Dewey, Cheatum and Howe (Home Office, Tijuana, Baja Califonia, Mexico), It is now time to announce the "winner" of the very first Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award! What an occasion! What an extravaganza! What a steaming pile!
This was one of the most difficult projects that I have ever undertaken while sober. The mere volume of posts featuring some of the most mentally challenged people on Earth in and of itself was a bit overwhelming. Having to decide which dumbass is worthy of such a prestigious honor as the Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award was a responsibility I did not take lightly. How could I take it lightly? I was fucking sober for Gawd's sake! I was that serious about this thing. Of course if I had been blasted it would have been much more enjoyable, but I am reformed Professional Drinker, so that was out of the question. A little "Latin Lettuce" on the other hand....:)
The Final Four Once I got through the over 400 dumbasses to choose from, the following four stood on their own merits as head and shoulders above the rest. Not so coincidently, each of the four were among the most-read posts of 2011. If you folks weren't dumbasses I'd swear you knew what you doing in making them so popular. But you are and I won't. Dumbasses.
The Last Dumbasses Standing are...
Courtney Love - For snorting Kurt Cobain's cremated remains when a good line of cocaine would have been much more rewarding. Stoopid bitch.
Dwarf Tossers -Dwarf tossers are the backbone of American Dumbassery. They are living proof that this country is all about having the right to not only become filthy rich and a dumbass, but also the right to be as big a dumbass as you can possibly make yourself. This is what separates us from European Pussy Dumbasses, Muslim Extremists and Commies. God bless America!
Five Day Cell Phone Guy -This guy spent five days"stranded" on an island off the California coastwith his cell phone and a strong connection to a near-by cell tower without oncetrying to use his phone to call for help.Until the fifth day!
And finally...
Assault With Deer Antlers - A touching romantic story about a couple of dumbasses that get into a fight and the dumbass lady ends up trying to gore the guy with a mounted deer head. I think they are from my wife's side of the family. Yankees are weird like that. I'm just sayin'.
The Big Moment!
Can I have a drum roll please?!! It is with great pleasure , reverence for the late Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) and deep humility, not to mention a couple of shots of Nyquil because my wife gave me the flu, I am happy to announce the winner of the Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award for 2011!!! The winner iiiiissssssssss.......
....Five Day Cell Phone Guy!!!! (wild applause and the sound of tops being screwed off of cheap wine bottles everywhere) Was there ever any doubt that the outcome would be anything but what it is? Hell no!! Any dumbass that is on an island with a cell phone and a good, strong signal and doesn't think to try the phone to call for help for five daysis the Dumbass of the Year every year in my book.
So congratulations Five Day Cell Phone Guy, and find a special spot on your fireplace mantlefor the "You Big Dummy" trophy and soak up all the glory you so richly deserve as the winner of such a life changing honor. You have truly shown the world what being a dumbass is all about. And believe me my friend, you are a Dumbass with a capital "D".
I look forward to hearing from you soon, Five day Cell Phone Guy. Call me when you have the time between network TV and national radio show interviews. I am sure you have a good signal on your iPhone. I just thought I'd save you a few days by telling you that.
The prelim Dummies have been named! See the whole list here. The 1st Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dummy of the Year will be announced tomorrow!
Long time readers of Dumbass News know thatnekkididity has been a staple subject of the blog since the beginning. Having said that, nekkidness is not gratuitously used for cheap thrills or anything like that. It is, however, as an excuse to put a photo of a nubile young woman on the same page as the accompanying post. Like this: I refuseto objectify women or put them in a negative light on this blog! Unless it is necessary to the plot. And what could be more necessary to the plot than a hot babe using band aids as a swim suit? Nothing! That's what! When I see the photo to the right, I, for some odd reason other than being a pig, do not see a school librarian. Unless she has been in one of those movies.Having watched those movies (for blog research purposes only), I can assure you that she is not in any of them. Much to my dismay.
Also much to my dismay, it is time for the crowning of the "winner" of the Dummy Award for the Best Use of Nekkididity While Being a Dumbass. The nekkid dumbass nominees are...
Almost Nekkid Guy Who Breaks into a Cafe - This dumbass broke into the cafe in question and according to the Police, “He definitely had a shirt, a fleece vest and socks on,” but no pants, underwear or shoes — despite the subzero temperatures". I think I've said enough.
Dinky the Dumbass; Nekkid Marathoner - This is part of what I wrote regarding Dinky last May: "... the nude dumbass, in all his glory was ordered by the heat to stop running and get into a squad car or he would be tased. He did not comply with this lawful order, so the local fuzz (pun intended) tasered the numb nuts (pun intended again). "Dinky", as the crowd called him, (OK, I made that part up), immediately fell flat on his gazebos and the attendant appendage that accompanies a man's gazebos. FYI, Dinky the Nekkid Dumbass was not a registered participant in the race. Not only did he expose his gazebos to all those in attendance, but he failed to pay the required entry fee for the marathon! This is unacceptable!". What a dickweed.
There really is no winner in this line up of dumbasses, so let me put things this way..the recipient of the Dummyfor the Best Use of Nekkididity While Being a Dumbass is...
The nekkid homos* of San Francissy! They win a Dummy Award from an obscure but growing by leaps and bounds dumbass blog. I hope you Godless Liberals and Folsom Street homos (SEE LINK WARNING BELOW) in the City by the Bay are proud of yourselves. This is about the best anyone could say about you.
Dumbasses.
*I have nothing against homos. Except the perverted bastards who are homos in S.F. ****This link contains EXTREMELY Graphic Homo Material! CLICK AT YOUR OWN RISK!****
I would be remissif I didn't post some Dumbassery that happened, it pains me to say, during the recent Christmas holiday season. I know it's difficult to believe, but some people do not adhere to behavior that society would expect of them during a Holy Time of Year. Or during an unholy time of year for that matter. Dumbasses will be dumbasses. Our next round of nominees for a Dummy Award are cases in points.
Our finalists in the Most Disgusting Example of the Christmas Spirit Exhibited by a Dumbassare:
Leon, Adopted Felon of "Dumbass News" -Leon is such an integral part of the Dumbass News Family, that it would be almost criminal on our part not to include him in the Dummies in some small way. We love Leon. Why, I even went door-to-door taking donations so the Dumbass Horde could send Leon a carton of New-potesfor Christmas. I had to bribe a guard at the Texas Department of Corrections to allow Leon to get the smokes. It was easy, though. The guard's a fat guy. A little gift card to the local Krispy Kreme took care of it.
Pimpin' Out Christmas- I get mad at the way some people treat Christmasmore like "Bling Day" than an actual, you know, Holy Day!It was a pretty good rant.
And the winner of the Dummy for theMost Disgusting Example of the Christmas Spirit Exhibited by a Dumbass is....
The guy who stole the Christmas tree! Only a total loser, dickweed, asshole, piece of camel shit would steal during the Christmas Season. Then brag about it on Facebook! Please do not pro-create. Your spawn will further drain the gene pool.
Happy New Year, Dumbasses!2012 is here and 2011 is a distant memory in the time/space continuum of life. Except for the Dumbasses. We still have more Fred G. Sanford Memorial You Big Dummy Awards to hand out! So let's get started!
Yesterday we presented Dummies to some very worthy Dumbasses and today we have even moredeserving Dumbasses waiting in the wings, or as we at DumbassNews call them, Port-o-Potties, to see which one of them will be the next Big Dummy!
Our first category today is Outstanding Performance by a Dumbass While Texting! Yes, friends, even dumbasses have access to the latest technology, which should scare the hell outta all of us. A dumbass with a cell phone is not to be taken lightly. Unless you teach them to text. A texting dumbass will be behind bars (or dead) in the blink of an eye. That's where this Dummy category comes in. You'll understand more as I reveal the list of nominees for Outstanding Performance by a Dumbass While Texting.
Texting Dope Deals - The difference between a "regular" person text and a dumbass text is easy to understand. A "regular" person text will read something like: "Dinner at 6. Come by about 5:30" and this text ends up on the right cell phone. Simple enough, huh? Not a for a dumbass it ain't. A dumbass text goes like this: 'We got some good coke. Come by 123 Main St. to get a few kilos". This text ends up on the phone of ten year old boy! You know the kid. His Grandpa is a State Trooper! True story. Read it here.
Texts from Last Night - This is a Group Dummy Award, the first of its kind. The nominees are those whose texts have ended up on the website,Texts From Last Night. There are some real dozzies over there and most of them are NSFW or safe for young kids. A sample text from TFLN? "I seriously found a rose petal in my vagina." I ain't makin' this up. Oh! And that's one of the more tame ones. Now I think you understand the nomination.
D. A. is for Dumbass - You'd think a man in a position of Public Trust, such as a District Attorney, would know better than to use a cell phone (whose records can be traced in a matter of seconds!) for nefarious means. You'd be wrong if your DA was the DA for the Green Bay, Wisconsin area. Dude was caught sexting a woman who was the victim in a domestic violence case he was prosecuting! This is bad joo joo.
Our winner for Outstanding Performance by a Dumbass While Texting is...
The Dumbass D.A.!!! This man is a college educated, albeit he prolly got lawyered up at the U of Wisc-Madison- Commie-Pinko-Dipshit, man! The guy resigned right quick like. My question is this: Are these "sexts" a matter of public record? I'm just askin'.
