Profgrrrrl

3. 02.

The subject line pretty much sums it all up.

My inability to focus on anything (and I mean anything) today is truly astounding.

27. 01.

I have been invited — based on my expertise in Forensics — to give a talk on Accident Investigation at a conference in China.

Yes!!!! Yes!!!!!!

(Hrm. Wonder what would happen if I made up a paper on Accident Investigation and I really did go.)

27. 01.

I have been in a bit of a funk lately. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m entirely overwhelmed or if it’s because I’m in recovery from last semester still, during which time I was entirely overwhelmed, and living in fear of the landslide coming back again.

Either way, it doesn’t feel great.

Somehow I’m managing to power through it all this morning and write.* Go, me! Writing will be, I think, the key to pulling out of the funk. That and getting a clean/organized house and office and keeping the annoying shit beat back. Ha. It sounds so easy, doesn’t it?

*I say this as if I haven’t been writing at all lately, which simply isn’t true. I’m actually writing productively most days, EXCEPT for on one particular project. Of course, I also have this feeling like I’m spinning my wheels and perhaps choosing the wrong projects to work on.

10. 01.

I’m making plans to (hopefully, maybe) go to an international conference later this semester. Alone.

That means 402 and B will be on their own and I’ll be largely out of touch. Up to this point, I’ve been gone three times — 1 night, 2 nights, and 3 nights. And my lovelies have traveled to a conference with me, too. This trip will probably be 5 nights (and that’s making it a super-quick trip), and it will be a month after a 4-night conference trip. Ah, lucky 402!

I feel some guilt when I think about leaving 402 and B alone for that length of time during the semester, especially knowing I can’t just call home (or, not all that easily) and talk to B or whatever. And I know I’m going to miss them a lot. But at the same time I’m really craving the trip.

My last solo international trip was about a month or two before I was pregnant. Of course, I had no idea I was about to get pregnant. I wasn’t even trying. I don’t think I sufficiently appreciated that trip, or the conference to which it was attached. This trip, however, I will savor. It is a special treat. I am running away for a few days. No family. No one from work. And abroad, which gives me permission to just be out of touch (even if I do manage to get online, which I almost always do).

I will enjoy the conference, absorbing all it has to offer, and the tourism. I will enjoy travel without 5 million pieces of luggage and a toddler who wants gummies. right. now. I will miss home, but I will be so very happy.

I can’t wait.

7. 01.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Few things frustrate me as much as asking for a volunteer, watching people shift in their chairs, and hearing the crickets. In the past, such behavior often led me to say, “Fine, I’ll do it.”

But no more. I simply refused. When the silence grew, I stated that I was not volunteering myself because I was already doing way too much. And I was even semi-chastised by someone for having taken on a particular new task (one that I took on with good reason).

Today’s experience with the non-volunteering phenomenon was quite uncomfortable. Who gives in and breaks the silence first? At what point do you just give up on finding a volunteer for the task?

What frustrates me most is when people who refuse to volunteer and who turn things down when asked directly have really low loads (comparatively). And then when they finally do volunteer for a piddly task they act like it’s a huge thing.

The solutions raised by my non-volunteers were to outsource (not appropriate) or shit-can the various initiatives that needed someone at the helm, since it was clear that no one would volunteer even to man a task that would take perhaps one afternoon and a few one-hour blocks for purely reactive (but very important reactive) face-time each year. And did I mention that the task comes with free food?

Frankly, I’m pretty much at the point of giving up the position that requires me to get people to volunteer for these tasks (and no, I have no power to appoint people which is part of the problem). The only problem: who will volunteer to take over when I give it up?

I actually have a scenario in mind which will require me to give it up, and if it all works out things could get quite interesting.

6. 01.

From http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/06/garden/06books.html:

Even a modernist builder like Steve Hermann in Los Angeles, who makes sleek multimillion-dollar houses for buyers like Christina Aguilera, includes acres of shelves in his high-end spec houses. Mr. Hermann designed a glassy Neutra-like house with a 60-by-14-foot shelving system, which has room for 4,000 books, he said.

“But who has 4,000 books?” he said. “I always stage my houses, so it was up to me to fill the shelves.” He ordered 2,000 white-wrapped books from Mr. Wine and deployed them in tidy, horizontal stacks (watch for the white-wrapped book to become this year’s version of the deer head).

We could totally use (and fill) those shelves. No problem! Although we would prefer the regular, informative spines to a white wrap.

And white-wrapped books? Deer head? Ugh!

6. 01.

No #1: A request for a committee meeting on my research day. The meeting is not really a necessary one (I know this as an old-timer to the committee).  I think I was the one person who couldn’t make a particular time, but I knew other committee members were holding tight to their preferred schedules. I didn’t want to give up my research day. Not so early in the semester. And so I said no. The result? They’re going to meet without me. I don’t mind in the least.

No #2: A professional service task, not clearly explained the first time, coming back for a revision. A ridiculous deadline was given (24 hrs) to do at least a few hours of work. I am a volunteer on this task. The world will not fall apart if they wait another week. Indeed, it took them months to figure out that it wasn’t done the way they wanted it the first time.  I have other things in the queue right now that need to be taken care of first. INCLUDING my own writing.

In the past, I’d have tried to accommodate both. But not this semester.

I’m also not answering my email all that quickly right now. Because it eats up my time, too.

4. 01.

That pretty much sums up the day (although I’m addressing it with focus and grace).

Hello, new semester! Here you are, only a few ding marks in you so far (those grumpy grouchy complainy emails start hitting the inbox before the semester even begins).

I need this semester to be about me. Me. MEEEEEE!!!! My research. My writing. My productivity. The last year has been all about serving others, and I can’t do it anymore. And so I’m excited to focus on me, but I dread having to tell people no or reprioritize them.

2. 01.

Yippee!! 2011! Happy New Year!

I rang in the new year in the midst of a tired conversation with 402 in our living room amongst the holiday preparations. We heard fireworks and ignored them. Shortly after that je pulled out his cell phone and said “Hey, it’s 12:01.” And so it was.

I’ve thought long and hard about a theme for this year. Again (if you’re new ’round these parts), I tend to chose themes for the year rather than resolutions. Past years have been completion, becoming, mindfulness, and (last year) renaissance. I thought I sort of fell down on the job last year given that it was the year of survival in many ways, but today I’m thinking about it differently. I just envisioned things differently — which is OK. I was impatient. I thought renaissance could mean emerging from the crazy, duckling into swan. Not quite. However, the hard work of re-emerging was underway all year. A lot of career-related soul searching went on. A lot of self-discovery (who am I as a mom? as a wife? as a prof? as a person in general?) went on, too. I struggled to push myself off the comfort or default spot, which typically didn’t represent where I wanted to be. I learned a lot. And Elvis Costello lyric comes to mind: I was moving very fast, but in one place. That lyric represents where the year began. And by the end, I figured out how to move beyond that place. I may not have fully done it yet, but just knowing the how and why is pretty valuable.

And that leads me to this year’s themes. Yes, plural, themes. Because I couldn’t settle on one.

Focus. And grace.

Focus, because I need to keep myself focused on the things that are important to me in all parts of my life. I’ve learned that when I don’t focus on what’s important to me I stand still, helping everyone else from the spot where I stand but not helping myself. Step one is believing (once again) that I deserve to focus on myself and my own needs. I am mommy to one little girl, and even then it is not my only role in life. I need not act like I’m mommy to any number of people, groups, programs or organizations, and I need not be mommy all of the time. And so I will work on identifying and then focusing my energy on the important stuff. Some of which *is* about being mommy to an almost-2-year-old girl. But not all. I want to

And grace, because there are better ways to handle my frustrations when I feel like I’m failing at focus. I fear that during Oct-Dec I let the frustration grow too great. It became visible to all who interacted with me, I’m sure, even though it was directed at only a select few (and I don’t think I lashed out at anyone, at least not out of turn). And thus focus will lead to grace: when I have focus I make time to be with my own thoughts, when I exercise or meditate. The end result is far more graceful behavior when I interact with the world.

2011. ABCDE … FG. Focus. Grace.