Forget it, Ayn. It's Chinatown

There's a deep secret hidden somewhere behind the inscrutable facade of Chinatown. It's a dirty, grimy secret. It's a secret with unfathomable mass. It's a secret with infinite weight.

Those who deal in the trading of secrets won't find this one easily. It's housed in a building behind a blue sign lettered with gold Chinese characters and a napkin taped on a door upon which the words "phone bank" were hastily scratched by some long-forgotten wretch.

Once through the door, secret seekers must run a gauntlet: six flights of metal stairs, bulging trash bags, and broken pieces of furniture. At its end is the secret's sanctum, a "wide-open cavern of Chinatown despair: walls stripped of fixtures and decor, two dozen cheap, unmatched chairs thrown together for some long-forgotten meeting or class, and a soulless excuse for a bar with a BartendingLicense.com sign posted on its front."

And a cube framed with grimy plastic sheeting. From a distance, it looks like a klavern of ghostly klansman seeking warmth from a sooty fire. That's fitting, because it's the home of Ron Paul's NYC phone operation.

They call it "LibertyHQ."

It's guarded by a phalanx of gray pudgy young men armed with cellphones and the latest pocket protector technology. They are the guardians of the secret. No one gets past them. No one violates the holy of holies.

Not even a business journalist.

A helmet tip to Casac.

Heterosupremacist Birfologist Patriot or Crazy, Paranoid Lunatic?

Stephen Pidgeon is a brave man. On Monday, he stood up to WA Governor Christine Gregoire and other radical egalitarians by submitting an initiative to end their efforts to desegregate love.

It was an heroic act, one that exposes him to the full wrath of armies of secret homosexualist operatives. They'll call him a bigot. They'll search his closet. They'll oppose his will.

He understands what he's risking. He's been there before.

You see, Mr. Pidgeon is not only a valiant defender of love segregation, he's also one of our nation's most preeminent birfologists. A close, personal friend of Orly Taitz, law dentist, Mr. Pidgeon is the man who discovered that Obama traveled to a foreign Euro-South American country, British Columbia, to change his name.

Of course, communists, Islamomexicans, Hittites, and their fellow travellers immediately rose to Obama's defense, unreasonably demanding that Mr. Pidgeon do the impossible: that is provide evidence.

Still, he was not deterred. Rather than fleeing when faced with demands for proof, he risked arrest by writing a book, "The Obama Error." Here's how Amazon describes it:

Here are the facts, and here is the law. The national fabric is forever torn, and the experiment in God-breathed freedom we call America is finished. When we look back to the causes of our demise, we will most certainly find the Obama error.

Yes, he risked arrest for writing that book. According to an email published by the Free Republic, camo-clad stormtroopers from Homeland Security secured his neighborhood in March 2009 and are in the process of arresting him:

From: [email address of Stephen Pidgeon] Sent: Wednesday, March 25, 2009 1:00 PM To: Carmen [last name withheld] Cc: [numerous recipients] Subject: Stephen Pidgeon in imminent danger of arrest by Homeland Security

I am writing this now as three black suburbans with HS personnel in camo are moving in to my neighborhood. I suspect arrest here shortly. In the event that you do not hear from me by tomorrow morning, please continue to contact by me email, as we will try to monitor. If not, contact Cesar Velasquez in Bellevue, WA (a Washington lawyer) for status.

Stephen Pidgeon

I imagine some people would look at such an email and describe the author as a crazy, paranoid, right wing lunatic, but I, like many of my readers, see the author in a different light. The man is a true patriot. He should be awarded this nation's highest commendation, the Tricorner Hat with Teabag Dangles.

Rick Perry: American Pie

Brother Rick reminds me a movie star, like one of those guys in "American Pie" or "The Hangover." That's the kind of glamour he'll bring to the White House.



A helmet tip to reader Joe.

Jesus' Commando to Target Murderous Nurses

Pastor Jonathan A. David
Glorious Praise Ministries
Houston, Texas

Dear Pastor David,

In a recent blog post, you alerted us to a great evil arising out of the nursing industry. Here's what you had to say about it:

Statistics reveal that there has been an upward spike in the incidents of depression, marital disruptions, family breakdown, parental neglect, emotional instability, increased stress, murders and other violent crimes traceable to the homes that are directly related to professionals in this [nursing] industry.

The satanic nature of nursing should not be a surprise to anyone. Throughout history, the nursing profession has been a hotbed of witchcraft. Obviously you understand that. I suspect that's why you invited famed Nigerian child-witch pricker Pastor Helen Ukpabio to speak at your church in March.

Have you considered asking Pastor Ukpabio to lead a spiritual warfare campaign against Houston's nurses while she's there? You know she'd bring down God's full wrath on the city's healers. She's Jesus' Witchcraft Commando. The wicked of Nigeria tremble when they hear her name, and those who defend child witches are quickly instructed on the redemptive qualities of the heavy steel-toed boot.

Heterosexually your,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Department of Book Reports: Occult America

Occult America, The Secret History of How Mysticism Shaped Our Nation by Mitch Horowitz (Bantam, $16) Mitch Horowitz is an editor and author of occult and esoteric topics and here he places out a fine history of their influences in America's history. Starting with the German philosopher Johannes Kelpius' pilgrims arrival in Philadelphia in 1694 and the "Burned-over District" of upstate New York he shows how these early thinkers promoted social progress and individual betterment.Albany and the Hudson Valley became known as The Burned-over District because it was once home to so many prophets and ideologies that burned bright and launched religions across the country. Mother Ann Lee's Shakers settled here and Joesph Smith found his Seeing Stones here. Millerites, or Seventh-day Adventists, the Universal Publick Friend, Masons, Mesmerism, and Transcendentalism all had homes here. Horowitz moves his history through Spiritualism, Seances, Madame Blavatsky's secrets of the Eastern Masters; how these secret or hidden histories influenced the beginnings of the New Age Movement and also William Dudley Pelley's Silver Shirts and White Supremacy movement. Hoodoo influenced Frederick Douglas, Professor Black Herman, and Marcus Garvey, Ghandi credited Theosophy for his principle of equality of universal brotherhood of man and his non-violent ethics that would later touch Martin Luther King, Jr. Astrology, The Age of Aquarius, and Creative Visualization were the beginnings of Prosperity Philosophies from Dale Carnegie and Napoleon Hill most recently seen in the popularity of "The Secret". I haven't even managed to mention Rosicrucians, Ouija, Edgar Cayce, Tarot, Wicca or Voodoo. Trust me, it's all covered in this engaging volume. This is a great book for anyone interested in the spiritual evolution of our country. In this day when politicians are compelled to tell us of their personal mission from God, it's good to remember this has always been a nation with a wide spectrum of religious experience. Occult America is available at Jackson Street Books , as well as fine independent bookstores everywhere. ps: sorry about the formatting, Blogger hates me today. Really, I did put spaces between the paragraphs.

"Outrageously Fired...For His Conservative Writings on Race"

The Thinking Housewife writes (emphasis mine):

FRANK BORZELLIERI, outrageously fired as principal of a Catholic school in the Bronx last summer because of his conservative writings on race...

Yes, you read that right. Mr. Borzelleri was fired for expressing such tried and true conservative sentiments as this:

On average, blacks score lower on every conceivable aptitude test than whites and Asians...These results have not changed despite decades of heroic efforts to uplift blacks to [sic] and to tinker with the tests.

But rather than acknowledge what every (yes, every) study and informed scientist has put forth, the government's official position is that blacks fall short because of white wickedness. Oppression and discrimination by whites are responsible, not inherent shortcomings. (Asians, who outperform whites, have a significant history of discrimination in America, but that's an inconvenient fact.)

That's what this country's come too. A principle of a school where most of the students are unheartlandishly hued can't say black people are intellectually inferior to white people without risking his job. No wonder God has cursed us all with anal warts. We deserve it for sitting in silence when faced with such injustice.

Thankfully, the firing did not deter Mr. Borzelleri from continuing his fight for what is right. Now he's taking on one of the most liberal institutions in the world, the Catholic Church. Here's what he has to say:

Liberalism has always defined compassion in the most odd manner—usually as taking other people’s money through force and coercion to use for the benefit of those who did not earn it. Thus, the Church’s outlandish support of every government-sponsored social program which taxpayers are forced to subsidize whether they like it or not.

God damned socialists.

Santorum Proposes Exec Order to Remove Uncertainty in Regard to Sexual Acts

Someone who identifies himself as an "influential staffer within the Santorum campaign" sent me the following internal memo:

From: Rick Santorum
To: Santorum for President State Coordinators
Date: January 3, 2011

Although it's clear that I oppose same-sex relationships, contraception, divorce, and sex for non-procreational purposes, many of you have expressed concern that I haven't issued a statement on what kind of sex meets my approval.

I suspect these expressions of concern may be why so few of you filled out the "Describe your sexual practices in detail" section of your "Personal Campaign Dossier;" well, everyone but that degenerate coordinator from Kansas who resigned to spend more time with that tongue-loving harlot of a second wife and their bastard children.

I suspect many other Americans share your concern. Some may be fearful of supporting me, afraid that they'll be seen as sexual lawbreakers after I win the election. It's important that I act now to allay such concerns.

On Monday, January 9, I will announce my plan to issue my first executive order on the day I am inaugurated. The order will define the official sex act of the United states (OSAUS) as:

An act between a husband and a wife (huband and ofhusband) which is comprised of the following elements:

• Ofhusband on hands and knees.
• Husband behind her in the dominant position favored by alpha hounds.
• Husband putting his Hard Staff of Procreative Righteousness (HSPR) inside his ofhusbands's Vile Nook of Eve's Great Sin (VNEGS).
• Husband should take great care that under no circumstances should the HSPR slip into the wife's Filthy Cave of Eternal Shame (FCES).

All institutions that receive federal funding will be required to certify that their employees, patrons, and clients are in compliance with OSAUS.

Releasing this a full year before the inauguration should give people plenty of time to initiate compliance and resolve any concerns they may have.

Onward to New Hampshire,

Rick Santorum

I like it. I've always felt that the method OfJoshua demands feel a bit too unnatural--I likethe wresting magazines and dixie cups, but it always seemed a little wrong to use a turkey baster.

I'm sure folks like Ben Shapiro will also be relieved that Sen. Santorum is removing the uncertainty that surrounds what constitutes a proper sexual act. After three years, it'll provide him with a justification to finally consummate his marriage.