We listen to a lot of Christmas carols here in the Venomous Household, starting Thanksgiving night. They play while we haul out and decorate the Christmas tree. They’re on throughout the hours I spend in the kitchen baking Christmas cookies and giftable goodies. I listen to them every evening as I sit in front of the fire, reading, while VH watches yet another football game or rerun of the X-Files.

But, despite the abundance of stations in our area that insist on playing nothing but Christmas music throughout the month of December, I refuse to listen to them on the car radio. Why? Because, as a person who actually pays attention to lyrics rather than just humming along, there are so very many crappy Christmas tunes that irritate the hell out of me. In fact, I’ve been known to leap over cats and small items of furniture in my dash across the room to stop these tunes from playing, they irritate me that much.

1. Baby it’s Cold Outside

Her: “I simply must go.” Him: “Baby, it’s cold outside.”
Her: “The answer is no.” Him: “Ooh baby, it’s cold outside.”
Her: “This welcome has been…. (Him: “I’m lucky that you dropped in!) …so nice and warm.
Him: “Look out the window at that storm.”
Her: “My sister will be suspicious.” Him:”Man, your lips look so delicious.”
Her: “My brother will be there at the door.” Him:”Waves upon a tropical shore.”
Her: “My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious.” Him: “Gosh your lips are delicious.”
Her: “Well maybe just a half a drink more….”

Seriously, Bub, she said the answer was NO and the conversation should’ve ended there. But what happens instead? Guy starts creepin’ on girl and, already possessing slutty inclinations (notice how she dropped in at his place, uninvited) she starts changing her mind then asks for booze to justify giving in to him. It’s the theme song for horny frat boys and the slutty college girls who can’t handle their liquor! Not surprisingly, it was written by Dean Martin who pretty much embodied a horny, drunken frat boy all the way until his death at 78,

2. It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

It’s the most wonderful time of the year,
With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you “Be of good cheer”.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
It’s the hap-happiest season of all,
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call —
It’s the hap- happiest season of all!

Kids ringing bells all over the place? That is NOT my idea of a wonderful time of the year. In fact, it’s pretty much my idea of hell. Oh, and being instructed to “be of good cheer” regardless of what someone might be going through? Last I checked, having one’s feelings and experiences negated and dismissed by others is one of the causes of low self-esteem and, ultimately, severe clinical depression. If that’s how the songwriters, Eddie Pola and George Wyle, treated their loved ones this time of year, I can only assume they were horribly toxic, superficial people.

3. Walking In A Winter Wonderland

In the meadow we can build a snowman
Then pretend he is Parson Brown.
He’ll say are you married? We’ll say, “No, man.
But you can do the job when you’re in town.”

Apparently, nothing says “I love you” around this time of year quite like deciding to hold a mock marriage ceremony officiated by a golem made out of ice. Unless, perhaps, it’s later pretending after the ceremony that the snowman is now a circus clown but who cares if you’ve already consummated your marriage with a roll in the snow, right?

4. Santa Baby

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing: a ring.
I don’t mean a phone,
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight!

Oh, the ways this song annoys me!* The woman demands a fur coat, a convertible, a yacht, the deed to a platinum mine, all because she hasn’t been as much of a whore this year as she could have been? Who the hell would want to put a ring on that finger?!

*(Yes, yes, I know Eartha Kitt was iconic, her life a true rags-to-riches (back to rags) story, a unique talent, blah blah blah. Sorry, but I can’t stand her voice. And Madonna’s cover of it is no better…plus it requires listening to Madonna.)

5. Frosty The Snowman

He was made of snow,
But the children know
How he came to life one day:
There must’ve been some magic in that old silk hat they found.
For, when they placed it on his head,
he began to dance around…

You probably figured I’d mention “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (“He sees you when you’re sleeping… *insert heavy breathing here*). Sorry, but that song gave me great parenting leverage to get my Big-Eyed Boy to behave himself from Thanksgiving to Christmas, leverage that I lost as soon as some snot-nosed kid at school told him the facts about Santa.

Nope, if there’s a creepy Christmas song that is guaranteed to freak me out, it’s this tune about an mob of unsupervised children who fashion a man out of snow and bring him to life, undoubtedly through some dark magic using that hat as its focusing object, and then they proceed to follow their snowy idol down to the town square where they cause all sorts of mayhem until the traffic cop tries to catch Frosty, who quickly makes a run for it. Think I’m exaggerating the creepiness? Then check this out, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!