Dear Chiangmai Diary - our Capitalist Elitist politically-correct edition

Chiangmai's iBerry mega-mutt has acquired sunnies.

    
Dear Reader, this post is a just a rag-tag collection of Updates and Oddities from our home-base in Chiang Mai for your visual delectation and delight. After this, I'll moth-ball FunkyPix2 until we get back from our forthcoming trip to southern India. Yep, Marie feels the urge to sample some Ganesh Chaturthi, Churmi Laddu, Puli Keerai and other dishes so familiar to you all.
spacer
While we're on the topic of large animals, here's a nauseating sight from the local department store in Chiangmai:

Better than the Chiangmai Night Safari, actually...

...less smelly, and free.

spacer

...and now for the Chiangmai Weather Report. Here's another scattered storm, seen from our balcony. This one missed us...

That's our kitchen window on the right.

spacer

All you weird foreigners, like those Strayans in the remote colony Deown Under can marvel at the following disaster msg I got on my iPhone a few weeks ago. Melbournites should maybe consider asking Ms Gillard for disaster relief funds, come July, based on the Thai precedent:

Thaivisa.com is a useful news source for expats in or out of Thailand.

spacer

...and while we're in the political Twittershere, here's an iPhone screenshot of a "say-it-all" tweet from wlfriends.org:

spacer
"It is the absolute responsibility
of everybody in uniform to
disobey an order that is

either illegal or immoral".

(US General Peter Pace, Feb 17, 2006).

Therefore, all charges against Bradley Manning
and Julian Assange have to be dropped.
They deserve a Nobel Peace Prize, not that
disappointing drone-monger Berreck Obomber.

spacer

---

I just cannot let the racist Australian Liberal Party MP Theresa Gambaro get off scott free for accusing migrants of having body odour and needing to be trained to stand in queues. She's the party's Citizenship Spokesperson, for goodness sake! For such hatespeak, may her political career go rapidly south, despite her belated attempt at an apology. It showcases her fundamental lack of understanding of her job. May I politely remind Ms Gambaro that Australia welcomed new European arrivals, some of whom were probably named Gambaro, to Australia in the post-WW2 decade. As a child, I recall the taunts and name-calling ('dagos', and later, 'wogs' etc) along with cruel accusations of garlic-breath from then-new strange foods like pizza, lasagne and spaghetti, without which Australians of 2012 would all but starve to death. Back in the fifties and sixties, Italians were also unfairly singled-out for their body-odour. One generation on, and nothing has changed. Racist John Howard re-ignited it. Racist mud sticks. FAIL.
spacer
This mini-poem (by Leonard Robbins) succinctly makes the point:

How a minority

Reaching majority

Seizing authority

Hates a minority.

spacer
 I also remind the good readers of Funkypix2 that Australia is the only country in the world where the word 'Liberal' means 'Conservative'. In fact, the very name "Liberal Party" is a Big. Fat. Lie. But one might expect no less from a corporate suck like Tony Rabbit. I only wish I could un-see that disgusting image of Mr Rabbit in his Speedos. Never again, please... just don't.
spacer

OK, politics finished! On with matters more domestic. Thailand's economic recovery is being led by secondhand dress/bag/shoes sales:

Marie volunteered to assist at a Thai friend's market stall. It all rapidly outgrew the umbrella, but mâi bpen rai, it was a fine day anyway, chok-dee ca. The ghost of the Funky Bitz North Queensland Marketing Empire lives on. And yeah, thanks, my back's recovered now.
spacer
Speaking of commerce, a new dress shop opened on the ground floor of our condominium last week. Every good Thai shop needs to be consecrated by Buddhist monks, and we attended the ceremony:

Lots of chanting, food, prayers, food, incense, drinks, food, prayers, then we finished with a big Thai meal in case any passers-by felt hungry. An elderly Japanese couple had turned up for the proceedings in their little white jalopy:

spacer

Undoubtedly, having a big Mitsuoka Sports parked immediately outside might well help to attract promising financial karma to the shop. The owners weren't reticent about telling everyone how much their car cost, either. A paltry 3.5 million Baht... or was it Yen? Hell, who cares? [pout]. We're now members of the OCCUPY HUAYKAEW ROAD MOVEMENT.  Please donate to our cause... we wanna join the Nouveau One-Percenters. Yeah, sure, our other car is a Honda Jazz, fully equipped with steering wheel and cigarette lighter that works, so there... even though we [ahem] don't even smoke. Ain't Capitalism grand?
spacer
Nic and Joe, still proudly in the 99%, are here for a few months to work. Here they are at Chiang Dao in a staff meeting, being photographed incognito with their iced mango juices by the FunkyPix staff photographer:

spacer
...and here's the view of Chiang Dao mountain from their breakfast table - yes, I agree, it was a rather smoggy day. Farmers, as usual at this time of year, had been burning off old stubble in rice paddies:

spacer
Of course, when at Chiang Dao, do visit the limestone caves:

spacer
South of Maesai there is a temple cave with the usual de rigeur covered staircase leading up the mountain to the cave. But what particularly caught our eye was the unexpected crowd of people grimly hanging on by their fingernails from the Buddha statue on top of the pillar.
My oh my, Enlightenment sure is hard-earned if you're a 99-percenter:

(You can embiggen any photo by clicking on it)

spacer
Ta-daaa !!!
Episode Two of the Redshirt Army Propaganda Chronicles:

spacer
(Sound FX: threateningly low-pitched sub-tone to play during this paragraph)
It was previously spotted outside Thaksin Shinawatra's Silk Shop near our condo. This time the dreaded Redshirt rickshaw, still festooned with pictures of the new (Redblouse?) prime minister Yingluck Shinawatra, made a cameo appearance at Chiangmai's "Three Kings" monument, perhaps in an attempt to score good historical karma. Ah, but serendipity had cunningly conspired to park it next to a politically loaded NO LEFT TURN sign. Not only that, but also in a NO PARKING zone, as designated by the red/white kerb. Curiously, as suggested by Thai legal precedent, it's OK to break the law if you are a bonafide member of the Shinawatra clan ...or on its defacto payroll (aka "perhaps-to-be-rewarded-later-after-the-boss-gets-back" list).
(Sound FX fade out)
spacer
Meanwhile, back at home on our balcony, our marble statue of the Quan Yin [goddess of mercy] has finally got its act together and started giving the thirsty naga-dragon its long-awaited drink:

spacer
Finally, for your eternal amusement, we present some odd sights spotted around Chiangmai:

"...and your final destination today, sir?"

spacer

spacer

"Ground differs level" (code for 'ramp')

spacer

"Partridge eggs". Possibly Quail? Any other bids?

spacer

spacer

...and welcome to Nature In Motions, the logical sequel to Poo Mobile:

Coin-in-the-slot "Santa Crore" stays there all year,

but the Muzak continues to crank out carols only until about June.

spacer

spacer

Seize you later, after we gets back from outback India.

Bangkok, the 2011 floods, and premonitions of a watery Armageddon

    
 This recent photo is a sadly humorous hint of the looming threat to Bangkok's very existence. Bangkok's Watery Doom may well creep up silently in the next 10 years, perhaps 15 (if luck holds). The city is only one metre above sea level (on average), and has been sinking by about 10cm per year. Oh bittersweet Arithmetic! thy name spells Truth.
spacer
If you click on this link, you will get an interactive flood map (flood.firetree.net) which will look something like this:

(You can biggen any photo by clicking on it)

spacer
Your family can have hours of fun mercilessly flooding the entire city of Bangkok with whatever depth of water you choose. Whee! It's just as if you're playing some silly computer game, except that, like, this is for real, dude...  The map represents average Sea Level under normal conditions at present. But with a mere click of your mouse, you can raise Sea Level by any depth you dictate - simply click the drop-down menu at the top left of your screen. Watch what happens to the entire Bangkok river delta. Ouch.
spacer
Note, though, that some areas on the coast near Bangkok, notably Samut Sakhon and Samut Prakan, are already regularly under seawater at high tides. They're an omen of things to come.
spacer
 Or you can zoom in to visit whichever specific part of Bangkok you want to inundate. To zoom in to the glitzy shopping tourist area around Pathumwan, Silom and Siam Square, for instance, click the + (the slider at the top left corner of the map) about 4 or 5 times.  You'll arrive at a screen which looks like this:

spacer
 You may notice, however, that the deeper you click your desired flood-depths, the more the central area of Bangkok (around Pathumwan, Silom, Siam Square, etc) appears to remain stubbornly and reassuringly dry. But no, it's not perched on a hill, nor protected by dyke walls à la Holland. Even if you increase flooding to, say, as much as TWENTY metres deep, there are still apparently some spots which remain dry! 
So... can the technology be so wrong??
spacer
 Simple explanation: the central city area is extremely highly built-up, with large trees frequently filling gaps between buildings. The mapping satellite necessarily understands the tops of these buildings and treetops as representing ground-level, thereby considerably under-estimating realistic flood depths. Only in larger open flat areas - such as Benjakiti Park (just to the east of Lumphini Park) - is the terrible and soggy truth more accurately revealed. Some twenty million environmental refugees may need to re-locate - quite soon. That's a monumentally more massive evacuation than George Dubya Bush's tiny dress rehearsal at New Orleans.
George? Remember George?

spacer

 Many people - initially those with means - are already choosing to abandon Bangkok in search of drier areas. Prices for nearby elevated land - what there is of it - are truly skyrocketing out of reach of all but the One-Percenters. One of the logical and eligible new places to colonize, at first glance, might appear to be Kanchanaburi, to Bangkok's north-west. But that may well be a case of "out-of-the-frying-pan-into-the-fire". Kanchanaburi is on a known earthquake fault-line, yet boasts a huge dam whose wall is already visibly damaged. A major breach could wipe out no fewer than 13 provinces, including Bangkok. The wall is rated as "safe" only for quakes up to 7.5 on the Richter Scale.  Er, now what were those principles we were supposed to have learned from Fukushima?

spacer

But do I note (with some surprise, I must confess) that the Thai parliament has (as I suggested back in 2007) cautiously raised the sensitive possibility of re-locating Bangkok in its entirety - wow. At last, someone's waking up! A move like this, as it happens, would actually be a continuation of an ancient Thai tradition. The Thai capital has been shifted several times over its history (eg Sukhothai, Ayuthaya, etc), but that was well before the era before concrete skyscrapers, Skytrains and other recent idiosyncracies such as "permanency". Traditional Thai teak houses were once designed without nails to be dimantle-able and easily relocated. I suspect this latest timid hint about shifting Bangkok will promptly get shunted sideways - these are fragile political/economic times. Sure, the proposal seems to have submerged into political oblivion already - it's all too hard - but there can be no doubt that the 2011 Big Flood will change the Thai national conversation forever.
Besides, there will soon be precious little choice.

 Ironically, a traditional symbol threading itself through the silken fabric of Thai

society is that of the Boat. Bangkok in particular used to be very much a water-

based culture ('Venice of the East'), with food-vendors paddling canoes from house

to house along endless networks of canals. These days, antique "noodle-vendor

canoes" are frequently featured in restaurants, even way up on dry land, as

prestigious historical evidence of the establishment's 'food pedigree'.

spacer
spacer
OK... let's talk Causes.  Why does Bangkok flood?
spacer
Firstly, filling in Bangkok's networks of canals to create roads was a bad call - FAIL - and has contributed in no small part to the city's current flood woes.  These days, floodwater now has nowhere to spread out when a monsoon flood does come down the river delta - as it always has - from the north. Bangkok was built on a huge swampy drain, let's face it (another bad call: FAIL). Suvarnaphumi Airport, for example, was built on an area formerly known as 'Cobra Swamp' (nŏng nguu hao). It is still one of the lowest areas in all Bangkok, but now has a 3.5 metre dyke wall all round to keep floods out (and the cobras in??).
spacer
Secondly, unregulated massive pumping up of groundwater (for both commercial and domestic use) is contributing to the entire cityscape sagging loosely downwards under its hugely heavy load of concrete and steel... FAIL. (Get a load of this pic of the Skytrain near Siam Square, or here at Ratchaprasong intersection. Imagine the foundations). Bangkok literally floats on a giant waterbed - Thai people are quite blasé about fresh cracks appearing in walls or floors... mâi bpen rai.
spacer
And thirdly (but hardly least), do I need to mention those pesky rising sea-levels due to Global Warming?  Note also that Bangkok's Chao Phrya river is tidal for quite some distance inland, therefore can virtually stop flowing at times of very high tides, thereby severely increasing the back-flow into the few remaining canals. Even back in 1992, while I was staying at a friend's house in Bangkok, he warned me that the downstairs toilet only flushed properly at low tide... and yep, you bet, that failed too :-(
spacer
So - how much longer can Thai people continue to look away, citing Severe Chronic Cognitive Dissonance Syndrome? Bangkok, which is slowly succumbing under this gigantic environmental pincer effect, is even now being unwillingly forced to revert to its traditional boating habits:

What will this Bangkok street look like by 2020?
Hey, but at least canoes don't emit CO₂   ;-)

spacer

After you're done flooding Bangkok, why not navigate the map

to check the flood status of your own country/town/street?

Good luck (in Thai: chok-dee).

spacer

Site sponsored by https://funkypix2-real-estate-bargains-4u.com
 a warm & fuzzy subsidiary of Halliburton Corporation Canoe-Sales Division.
Proudly supporting Vulture Capitalism, World Bank Bailouts,
& Compassionate Rendition to countries of your choice. 

Dear Diary: Who's a grandpa now? Loykratong 2011. China trip. SO much to catch you up on.

Dennekka Rae Wilde Symes will break hearts in time to come. 

Yep, we're quite the dotty grandparents.

 
 FINALLY - we got to visit our grand-daughter Dennekka in Straya. And wouldn't you know it... as soon as we left, out popped another - Sonny John Wilde Symes - weighing in at a hefty 9lb 8oz, thereby automatically qualifying for the Mount Isa Under 4 football team. Now we're dotty all over again, and will just have to go back asap to be introduced to Sonny :)
spacer
Also visited my ageing mother again ('great-granny' Noreen Stokes) in Adelaide, and Nicolette in Sydney... hi, Nic & Fadi. Yep, it was a full-blown "catch-up-with-the-rellies" trip, and we're not down from the high yet.

Granny and Grandpa get to know Dennekka.

spacer

Being a family is tiring work.
Sonny relaxes on an internally-heated orthopaedic mattress called "Dad".

spacer

 Fa-aantastic to see my son Dale again after 7 years here in Thailand, and to finally meet Jasmine, Dennekka's mum (who was 8 months at the time ...hi Jasmine, hope you're feeling more sprightly now :) Well done to the pair of you, and we certainly admire your Big Joint Project.
spacer
Since our last post, Marie went from Chiangmai to Shanghai & Yiwu with 2 friends for 10 days of retail therapy, rides in Very Fast Trains, and politely refusing Fido Burgers. Here are some of her funky pix:

spacer

spacer

spacer

The 'Bund', from the British colonial occupation of Shanghai.

Modernity peeps out from behind... and below:

spacer

You can biggen any photo by clicking on it.

spacer

OK, the floods. In the meantime, Bangkok, as you may have noticed, has had a few floods. Take a look at this Youtube film taken from a helicopter. Try to imagine living like this and maintaining your patience for weeks on end - and this was when the floods had not yet reached their peak during high tide times. Here's the Weather Underground website for more detail, maps.
spacer
You can decide whether these pics are serious or funny:

See more flood pix here, including cats with life-jackets, a sky-scraper
tricycle, a tuk-tuk on stilts, and a motorcycle with a snorkel.
 spacer

spacer

As I've said before in FunkyPix2, building an ever-heavier city on a spongy river delta with a high water table (read: "drain") was never going to be a winner. Poor choice. FAIL. And now there's global warming to add to the problems of a city sinking by about 10cm per year. Per year!  Bangkok, on average, sits only one metre above sea level - ONE metre! Do the sums. Future swamp, man. Parts of Samut Sakhon are already permanently under sea-water. Hey, Chiangmai's lookin' even better, folks :)

BREAKIN' NOOZE... Thai parliament is currently considering the possibility of relocating the entire city of Bangkok! Over the centuries, the capital has been shifted to various locations such as Sukhothai, Ayuthaya, etc, so another move would be a continuation of an age-old Thai tradition. But that was in the days before skyscrapers, concrete and permanence. I'm trying to imagine what the abandonned ruins of Bangkok's Skytrain might look like to tourists 700 years from now ("Hey check this out, Marrvin, ah think there merst hayav bin two perrallel medal rails alahng herre... ah jess cain't imeergine what thayat mardev bin used forr... and Oh My Guard, thar's a jargantic ledder 'M' in red'n'yella"... weirrd"). In an eerie parallel development next-door in Burma, the military regime has literally abandonned Rangoon and built a whole new capital at Naypyidaw. Stay tooned to funkypix2.com/realestatebargains4u.

The Bangkok floods have played a big role in Thailand's ongoing "red vs yellow" political circus, too. Roll up! Roll up! The main reason the newly-elected Redshirt prime minister Yingluck Shinawatra was pushed into power was to legislate to get her criminal fugitive brother Thaksin Shinawatra back into the country without having to serve his (fully deserved) 2-year jail sentence for corruption. Any unilterally legislated amnesty like that would make a total ass of the Law... and (Buddha bless us all) that is exactly what is happening. And hey, when better to do it than during a flood disaster which might help to dampen down enthusiasm for street protests!

spacer

So PM Yingluck, flustered and keen to avoid any political blame for her brother's dodgy amnesty, found herself "unfortunately" stranded [sob] out in the flooded provinces at the time of the cabinet meeting. Her army helicopter had no night navigation equipment, she plaintively bleated (it did, actually, and there was a backup 'copter as well). Hmm. Zero cred... FAIL. Meanwhile, the deputy PM (Chalerm) went ahead with a highly secretive Cabinet meeting with a sign on the door 'INNER CIRCLE CRONIES ONLY'. After the meeting, the public wasn't permitted to know the outcome. Ain't Thai democracy grand? Well, er, "flexible", let's say.

spacer

x Yingluck: What amnesty? I'm stranded out here. Ask Chalerm.
x Chalerm:  Shh, it's our secret. Parliamentary privilege, y'know.
x Govt (redshirted) spokesman: Dunno, nobody told me nuffink.
spacer
In fact, plans for Yellowshirt protests against Big Brother Thaksin's proposed amnesty (and/or return of confiscated passport) are already underway, floods or no floods.  This next pic could well be foretaste of another uprising in the weeks to come. Perhaps Bangkokians should brace for the OCCUPY SANSAEB CANAL Movement, the revolution which may be known to Historians as "The Thai Autumn", designed to discourage tourists from ever setting foot in the country again...

The Million Man Paddle? Well, it might flush the water out to sea if they

paddled hard enough. You think I'm kidding? No less an authority than

Yingluck's hand-picked Science Minister ordered 1000 boats to rev their

engines on the Chao Phrya River to speed water out to sea (here's the pic).

Yup, any Grade 10 science student could pick the flaws in that bright plan,

but nevertheless, the government trumpeted the exercise as a huge success.
(I also predict the publication of an electronic game called "Angry Boats")

spacer
By contrast, it's sunny and dry up here in beautiful Chiangmai. The living's good, and still as tasty as ever :)  Here's a recent view from our apartment balcony...

spacer

...but here's what things might look like if we were in Bangkok at the moment...

spacer

 As you might have guessed from our paper lanterns, it was the time of the Loy Kratong festival in Thailand - although Bangkok sadly had to cancel theirs due to the floods. As a consequence, lots of tourists bypassed Bangkok in favour of Chiangmai. During Loy Krathong, one dispatches one's previous year's bad luck and accumulated evil-ness off down the river in little candle-boats, or away into the sky in hot-air paper lanterns. Really it's just an excuse to be kids again... especially when it comes to the fireworks which are freely available in shops everywhere. Dennekka, where are you?
spacer
So - here are a few of our 2011 Loy Kratong pix, among which the eagle-eyed observer may spot some cameo appearances by Anna. Last year's festival is reported here.  But we start with me having an altercation with a passing lion even before evening fell:

spacer
A restaurant regaled with typical Loykrathong decorations:

spacer

Kratongs float off, taking with them all your ill fortune, offering you a fresh start.
They comprise a plate-sized banana-leaf boat, a candle, 3 sticks of incense, flowers,
a small coin and hopes for the future. Many people add a fingernail clipping or some
of their hair to personalize it.

spacer

spacer

Kratongs on sale near the Ping River

spacer

The royal sacred white elephant. Legend has it that the king who established

Chiangmai more than 700 years ago decided that it was auspicious to do so after

a white elephant was seen walking three times clockwise around the summit
of Mount Doi Suthep (that mountain visible from our balcony).
After the third circuit the critter, like, dropped dead.

spacer

  Yet another noodle vendor canoe...

spacer

spacer

Marie gives hi-fours to a new friend

spacer

spacer

spacer

In this brief Youtube video clip of Chiangmai's Loykratong street parade, you get to see the legendary Buddhist ascetic hermit Phra Reusii getting his annual gong. After all these years, Phra Reusii still hasn't got a Facebook page, yet he makes damn sure that his float is followed by the customary 50,000 decibel speaker-stack playing the ubiquitous Loy Krathong song. Probably spent years on his mountain-top composing it. Towards the end of the video, you'll see a few of the thousands of hot-air paper lanterns as they continuously rise into the night sky (the video will open in its own window for your convenience - after viewing, just close it and you'll be right back here again).

Quite a bit of technology to catch up on, old fruit . . .

spacer
Anna, en route from the UK to Asutralia, stopped by to say g'day to a 3-week old tiger cub and feed a few other assorted mini-beasties:

 (Anna's the one lacking stripes)

spacer

spacer

spacer

The gorilla her dreams

(See what happens when you forget to feed one?)

spacer

The train driver is reaching for the button called "Squirt Venom Now".
Water, actually. We assume.
The red sign reads: HEAD, HANDS, FEET DO NOT APPLY OUTSIDE OF CAR

spacer
...and Marie, our DNA (Designated Neandertal Authority), narrowly escaped being roasted alive by a volcanic eruption (just visible behind the tree) at Chiangmai Zoo's Adventure Park. Boiling lava oozes up threateningly between cracks in the foreground:

 Lean close to your screen and you might hear faint but scary roaring.

spacer
Later, we saddled up the Honda Jazz and rode up to the pretty and lush region north of Chiang Rai, close to the Burmese border. Visited the village of Mae Salong, which is Thailand's "Little Beijing". The population is distinctly of a Chinese persuasion, being decendants of the Kuomintang who were given Thai settlement rights in exchange for (allegedly) ceasing opium production in the years of the Golden Triangle warlord Khun Sa. Although not spectacular, here is one of the old Chinese-style houses which hadn't been excessively chintzed up for the tourist industry:

spacer
...and going to the opposite extreme, the so-called White Temple (Wat Rong Kuhn) near Chiang Rai is as glitzy/touristy as they come. Here is a dramatic little cautionary tale about the down sides of drinking alcohol (hey, you should see the one about smoking):

Yeah, OK, but there's a string of bars just down the road.

spacer
Anna's gone back to Straya now, but en route we saw some of Bangkok. As we only went to the central city and the airport, it was all dry - the rich folks had enough spare dosh to bribe officials to devert floodwater around the city in the east and western 'burbs. We noticed, however, that Capitalism was taking its natural course, and opportunistic 'flood-gear' fashion shops were popping up on every corner:

 A whole new meaning to the term 'Venture Capital Float'. And after returning to

Chiangmai, we noticed sudden increases in land values in more elevated regions.

spacer
 Water in the Chao Phrya River was fast, turbulent, brown as anything, and carrying all sorts of suspicious objects along in its frothy wake:

Bangkok: old & new.

spacer
When in Bangkok, what to do? Here's your answer:

spacer

Waiting for Anna's plane at the airport, we unearthed further evidence that Thailand's economic recovery is being spear-headed by exports of flatscreen TVs. During our trip to India, we had seen a constant stream of flat-screens arriving in Kolkata and Delhi. This, however, was the first time we had seen them at the start of their trip, in the departure queues at Bangkok airport. So funny... mm, well, I guess you had to be there...

 spacer
We'll miss Anna, and wish her the best of luck finding work etc, but we worry because the down-and-under recession in Straya has hit everybody really hard…
spacer
* People are getting pre-declined credit cards in the mail;
* Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries;
* CEO’s are now playing miniature golf;
* A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of 5-cent coins while she danced;
* If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them;
* McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer;
* Angelina Jolie adopted a child from Melbourne;
* Parents in North Shore are firing their nannies and learning their children’s names;
* A boatload of Australian refugees was arrested near Indonesia (my blogs always come true);
* Casinos in Queensland are now owned by Somali pirates.
spacer
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, savings, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.  I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

---