Lowering the Bar

News Team Not Allowed to Film in Courtroom; Turns to Puppetry Instead

I guess if they aren't going to allow cameras in the courtroom -- and sketches are just too boring -- the only alternative is to reenact the day's testimony using hand puppets.

That's what Channel 19 in Akron, Ohio, is doing, in connection with the corruption trial of a former county commissioner. Here's an example from the second day of trial, featuring puppets talking about subjects like bribery and prostitution:

 

I think that all court proceedings should be reported in this way, but would settle for either puppet coverage of arguments in the U.S. Supreme Court or a full reenactment of the Rod Blagojevich trial.

Via Neatorama.

I'll See Your Zoppitybop-Bop-Bop and Raise You One Peace Baba Aquarius

Stories about people who legally change their names to something unusual are not new, but they don't really get old, either.

One exception might be stories about people who change their names to "Jesus Christ," something that is relatively common. Those only get mentioned here if there is something extra, like if the Jesus in question has a spokesperson ("Christ is not speaking to the press at this time") or was excused from jury service for being disruptive ("instead of answering questions, [Jesus] was asking them"). But other tales stand on their own, like if somebody chooses to honor his favorite band ("Since I became Led Zeppelin, my life has improved a thousand-fold") or wants to add punctuation like Darren QX Bean! did (the "QX" was pronounced "Lloyd").

Today's examples are in the second category.

As you've probably heard, police in Madison, Wisconsin, arrested Beezow Doo-Doo Zopitty-bop-Bop-Bop on several charges after they confronted him in a local park on January 5. Residents nearby had reported "excessive drinking and drug use" in the park, and according to a police spokesman the responding officers recognized someone there as "a subject they had previous dealings with, identified as Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop."

Zopittybop-Bop-Bop

Zopittybop-Bop-Bop, likely the subject of a future biopic starring Johnny Depp, was arrested back in April 2011 under his previous name after officers said they found a loaded handgun in his backpack. (The report doesn't say why they searched his backpack.) He changed his name in October. He was searched again during the January 5 incident, this time because "he apparently put his hands into his pockets, which put officers on alert because of his past arrest."

This is a little sketchy. It's not impossible that these were the same officers, or that they had just looked up his record and so knew that he had previously been carrying a concealed weapon. Still, I don't think that having done so then makes you forever subject to search whenever you put your hands in your pockets (especially if the gun wasn't even in your pockets before). Nor does it appear this was a search incident to arrest, because he was arrested only after being searched, because of what they found. So, at least based on this report, it seems to me that the search was questionable and the evidence it turned up (marijuana, drug paraphernalia, and a knife - no gun) may be suppressed on Fourth Amendment grounds.

It might have happened differently, of course, and maybe it's different because he was on probation (though the earlier search may also have been illegal). Mainly I just want there to be a Supreme Court case one day called Zopittybop-Bop-Bop v. Wisconsin.

Probably no constitutional issue in the second case, which involved a traffic stop in San Rafael, California, one week later. There, the highway patrol stopped a car for speeding, and when the patrolman approached the car he smelled marijuana. As you should know by now, that isn't enough by itself to justify a search, but allegedly he also saw some loose marjiuana on the seat between the driver's legs. That might justify the thorough search of the car that followed, one so thorough that they tore apart the back seat, where they found several pounds of marjiuana. Anyway, the real point is that they ended up arresting one of the passengers, a 38-year-old man named Peace Baba Aquarius.

As far as I can tell, this one has not been widely reported, even in California, although that could be because this happened in Marin County, a place that may be teeming with Peaces, Babas, and Aquarii and so forth. The report linked above did not even bother to comment on the name. I guess it's also true that I have no evidence this guy wasn't born "Peace Baba Aquarius," and that's at least possible if he was born in Marin about 1974. Maybe nobody notices up there unless you don't have an astrological sign in your name.

Anyway, bail for Peace Baba Aquarius was set at $20,000.

Please Report Me If I Am Missing. Thank You.

Via Popehat, here's a notice that is required to appear on all vending machines in Florida under a law that took effect in 2010:

As you can see, the notice tells the reader that the notice the reader is reading is legally required to appear on all vending machines. That includes the machine on which the notice is posted, which is fine, because there it is. But if, the notice continues, it does not appear on that machine, then the person not reading it should report it not being there, using the phone number it would otherwise be providing. In fact, the notice emphatically states that the number provided is not to be used for any purpose other than reporting its own absence.

I guess the good news is that, if you manage to comply with this, you might get a reward.

This is the result of HB 7157, a general tax bill that included just this one provision on vending machines. An existing law required vending-machine operators to register with the state department of revenue and to attach a notice to each machine stating the operator's name, address, and federal employer ID number. Fla. Stat. § 212.0515(3)(a). According to this article in Vending Times, an item I somehow missed although Vending Times is the first thing I turn to every morning, this was mostly helpful to identity thieves who could just go around writing down this handy information. The bill was apparently intended to put a stop to that by requiring new labels that included only the language shown above. But with only the "please report me missing" language remaining, the notice looks especially pointless.

My guess is that the notice is supposed to serve as evidence that a particular machine has been registered; if it's missing, competitors could easily see that and report the unregistered competing machine. Presumably, they would know the number to call even if the notice is not there to tell them. But that still doesn't explain why the notice reads the way it does - the state could just provide a smaller license sticker, like it does with cars, and then just give the reporting information to operators or whoever they think is likely to call this in. So it's still hard to see why we have this notice getting all uppity about it being legally required, and giving out instructions that you either (1) don't need or (2) do need but can't follow because it's not there to tell you what to do.

I think I'll make myself a T-shirt that reads, "IF I AM MISSING PLEASE CALL ________," giving my own phone number. And then call myself to see if I disappear.

Have You Been Offered a Tortoise in Unusual Circumstances?

If so, please contact the British Transport Police, who are looking for two hibernating tortoises that were in the trunk of a green Mazda 325 that was stolen on Saturday. "As well as being valuable," said Constable Kristene Mikkonen, "the owner and I are concerned for the safety and well-being of  the reptiles." (I assume she meant the tortoises are valuable, no offense to either human.)

The reptiles in question were described as two nine-year-old tortoises being kept in a blue plastic box. According to the report, "One was a male of the Greek variety and the other was a female Marginated tortoise." "Of the Greek variety" presumably refers to the "Greek tortoise" (Testudo graeca), although as you probably know there are many different subspecies in that category. Despite the name, the species ranges from Morocco to Armenia, with at least two having gotten as far as the trunk of a green Mazda in Lincolnshire, England. The marginated tortoise (Testudo marginata) is a closely related species that, confusingly, is mostly found in Greece. Indeed, the predominant subspecies is often referred to as the "Greek marginated tortoise," and so the report may simply have gotten these confused. Basically, it's a couple of tortoises in a blue plastic box, okay? Jesus.

Constable Mikkonen (a female of the Finnish variety) appealed to the public for help locating these (apparently) valuable animals. "I would appeal to anyone who has knowledge of their whereabouts," she said, "or any information for those responsible for stealing the car to get in touch with BTP as a matter of urgency."

"Also," she continued, "anyone who is offered tortoises in unusual circumstances should report it." I'd think that those who are routinely offered tortoises could be even more helpful, so they should please be on the lookout as well.

"Junior TSA Officer" Badge Is Creepy, Fraudulent

"Remember when we used to give them little pilots' wings?" asks author Neal Stephenson, who took this picture of a "Junior TSA Officer" sticker he saw recently, presumably at the Denver airport. He didn't say whether this had been given out by TSA employees, but there are other reports of TSA employees giving similar stickers out to children at airports, and it's hard to see who else would have much interest in doing this kind of thing.

I say "employees" because, despite the badges and uniforms, TSA screeners are not "officers"; they have no law enforcement authority except for a relative few who have gone through a separate training program. Screeners cannot make arrests (though they'd sure like to), and have to call in the police to do this. Even air marshals have no law enforcement authority except to stop hijackings. Nor can screeners legally stop you from filming them - which they know you have the right to do - although they do this all the time.

Despite this, the TSA has steadily tried to policify these people. Originally, they were officially called "screeners" and wore white shirts, but have gradually been upgraded to "Transportation Security Officers," blue shirts, and metal badges. The agency is quite proud of this:

They have always had some sort of "badge," but this was changed in 2008 from a patch to a more cop-like metal badge. According to the TSA itself, this change was made "to represent the continuing evolution of the officers' roles and responsibilities," which seems like a concession that the agency deliberately made this change in order to make its fake officers seem more like real ones. (Have these "officers" ever abused this apparent authority? Why, yes, they have.) Handing out "TSA Officer" stickers to kids, even if it's meant well in a particular case, is a facet of this same propaganda.

There's a bill currently pending that would roll this back, introduced by Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) in December. H.R. 3608, the "Stop TSA's Reach in Policy Act" (yes, the "STRIP Act") would prohibit any TSA employee who has not received the federal law enforcement training from being called an "officer" or wearing a badge or uniform that resembles what a real officer would wear. That is currently sitting in committee, so we'll see what happens.

Personally, I'd rather we abolished the whole thing, for many reasons, but getting rid of the fake badges would be a good start.