Our old comrade Punte posted a fun slideshow over at his new home. David Frei, a former NFL PR man and current god of the Westminster Dog Show, compared several of this weekend’s championship game participants to breeds that will be on display the week after the Super Bowl. Some, like Victor Cruz as a Whippet (lithe and athletic) and Wes Welker as a Brittany spaniel (white-bread), were dead on, while some miss the mark entirely. The most questionable comparison was easily Eli Manning as a Border Collie. Come on, Mr. Frei. You just compared this guy to one of the smartest and most reliable breeds to ever exist. That’s bullsh*t. We could get better analysis than that from Buck Laughlin.

If Elisha is anything he’s a Cocker spaniel. I once knew a Cocker who would piss all over the floor every time somebody walked in the front door. That’s the quarterback I know. He looks pretty good from a distance, he’s not likely to bite your hand off, and he’s the product of questionable breeding practices. Just look at that dopey bastard. You can hardly even tell Flubby manipulated the image.

Speaking of dogs, the Unnecessary Purchase of the Week is this £250,000 canine condo fit for a Super Bowl champion. It’s probably nicer than your apartment, and it even has a retina scanner to keep your poor dog on the outside looking in. Ugh.

Last week: 3-1
Playoffs: 5-3

On to the picks…

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It’s January 19th, and as your internet-dwelling life coach, I’m inclined to remind those of you in a relationship that there is less than one month until Valentines Day. Now, you and I and everyone else knows that Valentines Day is a load of crap, but that doesn’t give any of us a free pass. You still have to do something romantic or buy her a gift or some shit because OTHER women are being treated to dinner and chocolates and jewelry. That’s the crux of Valentines Day, really. It’s not about a woman having a healthy, happy relationship — it’s about showing those other bitches how fantastic her love life is.

That’s why I recommend sending flowers to your lady’s place of employment. Everybody ends up happy: she gets flowers (BITCHES LOVE FLOWERS), I don’t have to show up wearing a tie anywhere, and all her co-workers get jealous and wish they had thoughtful men in their lives. Well, I guess not everybody ends up happy. But close enough.

Let’s get to your emails.

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INEVITABLE BUT MILDLY ENTERTAINING: NMA offers its take on the Colts firing Jim Caldwell and Rob Lowe tweeting about Peyton Manning’s retirement. Little-known fact: Manning’s neck injury was the result of a lightning strike.

FLIPPING OUT. Dust off your five-year-old “Bengals are criminals jokes”: Jerome Simpson has reportedly been indicted for trafficking marijuana. That’s a Class D felony, 1-5 years in the clink, and the sternest possible frown from Roger Goodell.

LOL BIDEN: Joe Biden told a bunch of 49ers fans that the Giants were going to the Super Bowl, because the San Francisco Giants are a team that exists. Let Obama handle the sports stuff, big guy.

AND MEDIOCRE SKATEBOARD RIDER, TOO. A Ravens fan complained to the organization that Joe Flacco was riding a skateboard. You’re doing it wrong, Joe. Champions ride scooters.

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I’ll be hosting a reading tonight in DC at the Dodge City Bar. The last time I had a reading at a bar, it was in Austin, TX, and some of the bar’s regulars were really pissed that some uppity Yankee blogger was in the back reading out loud. One of them yelled out THIS AIN’T NO DAMN LIBRARY while he was playing pool. It was AWESOME. So come on over, get drunk, ask me if my old lady reads KSK (everyone asks this, and the answer is “not if I can help it”), and stand around awkwardly with other people. AND IT’S LADIES’ NIGHT AT THE DODGE CITY BAR*

(* – no idea if this is true)

This is literally the worst day of Jay Glazer and Adam Schefter’s respective careers.

Image via Indy Star.

Eli Manning gastrointestinal update: Coughlin says Manning has a “stomach bug”.

— Andrew Siciliano (@AndrewSiciliano) January 18, 2012

Doctor: We need 1000 cc’s of Pedialyte, STAT!

Nurse: Here you go, doctor.

Elisha: [moans] and a lollipop.

Doctor: Get this boy a lollipop before we lose him to acute crankiness.

Nurse: Right away, doctor.

Eli: [sucks peacefully]