NEW YORK—It’s a rare thing in the business of 24-hour political pontificating, but every so often the relentless onslaught of inane prattle issuing forth from somewhere in the vicinity of that horrifically manicured hair growth attached to Chuck Todd’s face actually manages to congeal into something sensible. Moments like this are quite rare! And so it’s an occasion worth noting when what amounts to the Halley’s Comet of professional punditry comes circling around the beltway in one of its trademark 76-year appearances. Here’s what Chuck Todd said: ”Books about this campaign will have chapters simply titled: ‘January 19th.’” Which is a fine way to summarize everything that happened yesterday! (Even if you’re not the sort of person who thinks Mark Halperin has any business whatsoever writing books about presidential campaigns.) Because really: where even to begin? READ MORE »
Was there a highlight to tonight’s GOP debate? No. There is a GOP debate every four or five hours, constantly, forever, and there cannot be a highlight to something that is ongoing and eternal, like CNN Headline News or the Lake of Fire, in Hell. But CNN number-reader John King did manage to really get the amoral jewelry-debt piglet Newt Gingrich in full squeaking rage because, boo hoo, somebody asked Newt about his endless adultery and divorcing and banging other ladies while he’s married, etc. READ MORE »
Here is Rick Santorum’s latest campaign ad “Rebellion,” a modern bigoted man’s knockoff of Apple’s famous “1984″ ad, except that the girl who is supposed to be wearing hot pants is wearing mom jeans and instead of Apple’s old rainbow pride logo flashing up at the end it’s, ha ha, clips of Rick Santorum grinning wildly. Mitt Romney gets the starring role of “the establishment,” which in this version casts him as a mass murderer who telepathically orders his supporters to march to their deaths wearing blindfolds like some kind of Mormon Stalin. Rebel guerrilla leader Rick Santorum to the rescue! READ MORE »
In a page right out of Newt Gingrich’s alternate-history science-fiction wingnut-polygamy utopian epic Candyland Space Land, the school district in Tucson has completely banned Mexican-American studies, seized all the textbooks and even wall posters from the classrooms, and punished the students who protested by sentencing them to janitorial duty. The self-hating Latina lady who oversees the now-illegal ethnic studies program even comically told the kids, “Mexico is where Mexican studies is taught, not America!” Why oh why does the Newt have to be in stinky old South Carolina during such a historical moment in stomping the Mexican, for freedom? READ MORE »
Newt Gingrich thinks it’s really inauthentic of President Obama to hold an event inside the gates of Disney World. It’s elitist, he implied, during an event of his own in Bluffton, SC on Thursday, because the event is “invitation only,” and it shows just how fake Obama is, because Disney World is not a real place. Main Street, USA, Disney World is not the same as Main Street, USA, America! And the whole thing proves that Obama is not only out of touch, but self-important, for thinking he’d need the event location to be secured. Who does this guy think he is? READ MORE »
Huntsman daughters Abby, Liddy and Mary Anne had a couple of great videos during their dad’s mercurial campaign. They were the only entertaining part — besides, maybe, “Did you hear what I just said?” — of the whole thing. But their best work was never actually released…until now! An ABC News station got a hold of this Romney-bashing video, in which the two non-blondes in the trio don blonde wigs to match their sister Liddy and interview a bobbleheaded version of Mitt Romney on a show they call “Foxes and Friends.” The girls were declared to have “gone rogue” by a campaign insider a couple of months ago, so it’s no wonder this was never officially released. Now it does, happily, take the shine off Huntsman’s already completely unbelievable and dull endorsement of Romney. READ MORE »
The density of swollen piglet Newt Gingrich’s sleaziness is apparently such that there are still, ten years later, more awful details of his second divorce that America had not yet learned: ex-wife Marianne Gingrich told ABC News that before Newt left her, he asked her to just be cool about the whole affair thing and try sharing him with other women. This sounds like the sort of argument that Newt concluded with a whimpering, “but that’s how Thomas Jefferson’s marriage worked, in history!” And now, today, no one in America is laughing harder than Marianne Gingrich, because this sordid little revelation has won the news cycle timing jackpot and immediately reduced Newt’s endorsement from Rick Perry to sullen ashes. READ MORE »
Mitt Romney is just too busy “saluting” Rick Perry today to think about the fact that he actually lost to Rick Santorum in Iowa. But Romney’s team had time to release a statement downplaying the whole “we made history” claim (by pretending it was never uttered) and saying really, the whole thing was a “virtual tie.” Yes. Beating Santorum by eight votes was “history,” but losing to Santorum by 34 votes was “a virtual tie.” The Santorum team’s response evokes our favorite characterization of Mitt Romney: that he is a little kid who stomps his feet, insults his mother, and throws things when he doesn’t get what he wants, and publicly says weaselly, self-congratulatory things reminiscent of the mirror-chanting of our favorite dictators. READ MORE »
Insipid rich dweeb Mitt Romney is facing even more impertinent questioning about his infinite investments, and the answers may surprise you — if you just landed on Earth and then decided to jump off a stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Seems ol’ Mitt is allegedly using every rich dude trick in the book (written by rich dudes) to pay as little in taxes as possible. Not really a problem, if you’re gainfully employed at the Arby’s in Duluth and just click on whatever TurboTax tells you to. Gainfully employed? Manual clicking? That doesn’t sound like our Mitt now, does it? READ MORE »
Rick Perry is finally dropping out of the Republican race Thursday, and will endorse Newt Gingrich because it’s just more fun that way. He will now return in shame to Texas to command-in-chief his Burundi-sized army and obsessively read over all his old emails to Jesus for clues about why Jesus dumped him and maybe whatever else Rick Perry used to do besides dare to dream about the presidency, troll eBay for bulk hair products, probably. Was it something he said? READ MORE »
NEW YORK—So here’s a thing. One time, when we were in the seventh grade, our science teacher offered up an extra credit assignment: write down for him on notebook paper all the numbers between one and one million, and in exchange he would award a report card at the end of the year with straight As. Now we’d already racked up an A- in the first quarter—and endured no shortage of fire and brimstone in our pressure-cooker of an Ivy-League-or-bust household —so we jumped at the chance to strike this blemish from our record. But after a few nights of furious scribbling we realized we’d been had, that this was an exercise in futility, and we gave up somewhere in the vicinity of 50,000. Anyway, moral of the story: this episode has left us shaking our heads over here at just how long it has taken the Iowa GOP to count all fourteen votes (give or take) that were cast at last month’s caucuses. The story developed throughout the night—Santorum really won! What will the Romney campaign’s response be? They’ll call it a “virtual tie”! Wait, we take it back: We’re calling it a “split decision”!—and yet we woke up this morning in a world where none of this actually mattered at all because nobody cares, nothing has changed, Mitt Romney is still going to win this thing, stop talking. READ MORE »
A man named Ron D. of Loudon, Tennessee recently put up an auction on eBay that offered his services to anyone looking to embarrass Mitt Romney (FREE SHIPPING). The blonde-dreadlocked man is currently underemployed, delivering pizzas, so he could use some money. He doesn’t really have any past dealings with Romney; he just isn’t a fan (“I wouldn’t vote for him if he was running for whorehouse pooper mopper”). He’s making himself available to any campaign or super PAC or other entity that needs him (though, why buy Ron when you can embarrass Romney for free?), and says the exact terms of the agreement aren’t fixed. “The possibilities are endless,” he says. “As long as it isn’t against the law, I’ll do or say whatever you want until someone comes and drags me away. And it will take a few of them. I’m a biggun.” READ MORE »
