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Jerry Sandusky: I’ll Never Forget All The Things Joe Paterno Did For Me

STATE COLLEGE, PA—As thousands of mourners gathered at Penn State's campus spiritual center Wednesday afternoon to say their farewells to Joe Paterno, former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky took the opportunity to express his "deep, everlasting ... more »
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Grid List
1 2 3 4

18 hours, 28 minutes ago

ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year
19 hours, 28 minutes ago

Romneymania Sweeps America
“Yeah! We got bin Laden!”

American Voices: Obama's State Of The Union
1 day, 8 hours ago

Obama Begins State Of The Union By Asking Congress To Imagine Newt Gingrich Standing Before Them
1 day, 11 hours ago

Nation Unsure What To Do With Information That Padraig Harrington Wears Citizen Watches
by Jesse Walters

I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being, Myself
1 day, 14 hours ago

Video: Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses
Taurus Week Of
Jan 24, 2012

Horoscopes: Your fear of pubic speaking won't be helped by your habit of saying things that make large groups of people want to attack you.
1 day, 16 hours ago

Biden Pins Up Guitar Lesson Flyers On White House Bulletin Board

"I guess getting shot in the head is a lot worse than we all thought."

American Voices: Giffords To Resign
1 day, 19 hours ago

North Korea Returns To Normalcy With Synchronized Disco Jump-Rope Gala
1 day, 20 hours ago

Women Now Empowered By Everything A Woman Does
2 days, 11 hours ago

Prince Fielder Catching On To Fact That Teams Take Free Agents Out To Dinner A Lot
2 days, 12 hours ago

Ron Paul Supporter Likes The Way Paul Tells It Like It Has No Chance Of Being
2 days, 15 hours ago

On TV: 2011 In Review: Nation Shocked To Find Out Elizabeth Taylor Wasn't Already Dead
2 days, 17 hours ago

Editorial Cartoon: Un-Suitor-able.
"She’ll have plenty of help. Paul Prudhomme can show her how to cook from a scooter."

American Voices: Paula Deen Has Diabetes
2 days, 18 hours ago

Slideshow: The Week In Pictures

2 days, 19 hours ago

Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy
2 days, 20 hours ago

Idiot Man-Child Destroys The Set Of Jeopardy
3 days, 19 hours ago

NBA Announces Supernatural Investigation Spin-Off ‘NBA Nights’
4 days, 13 hours ago

Wooden Fruit Hoping To Become Real Fruit One Day
4 days, 14 hours ago

Strongside/Weakside: Eli Manning
4 days, 19 hours ago

Arizona Iced Tea Unveils New 4-Foot-Tall Cans
4 days, 19 hours ago

College Basketball Warns People Not To Get Excited About It Yet
4 days, 19 hours ago

Miranda July Called Before Congress To Explain Exactly What Her Whole Thing Is
5 days, 12 hours ago

Sportsgraphic: New Super Stats

5 days, 12 hours ago

Oh Christ, Mascot Headed Right For You
5 days, 12 hours ago

Statshot: What Are We Hiding From Our Parents?
5 days, 14 hours ago

Video: Snake Gets Tattoo Of Dude On Its Face
5 days, 15 hours ago

Gross Doctors Recommend Drinking 8 Warm Cups Of Clam Juice A Day
5 days, 17 hours ago

Sunday Magazine: 101 Ways To Drive Your Best Friend Wild
"Have they considered using a bucket brigade instead?"

American Voices: Obama Rejects Keystone Pipeline
5 days, 19 hours ago

Seattle Mariners Hope Jesus Montero Can Get Good Enough To One Day Sign With Yankees
5 days, 20 hours ago

Sheepish Secret Service Agent Can't Explain How Vacuum Cleaner Salesman Got Into Oval Office
6 days, 11 hours ago

Baltimore Ravens Admit They Like The Ugly Wins

ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | Radio News
Romneymania Sweeps America

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | News

TAMPA, FL—From coast to coast, town to town, and in nearly every public meeting place and private residence across America, millions have been captivated, inspired, and in some cases moved to tears by presidential candidate Mitt Romney, the former M... more»
Obama's State Of The Union

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.25.12 | American Voices

President Barack Obama delivered his third State of the Union last night. What do you think? more»
Obama Begins State Of The Union By Asking Congress To Imagine Newt Gingrich Standing Before Them

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | News in Photos
Nation Unsure What To Do With Information That Padraig Harrington Wears Citizen Watches

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Sports News in Brief

NEW YORK—A confused nation admitted this week it isn't sure what it's supposed to make of the fact that professional golfer Padraig Harrington wears Citizen watches, or what it means that Harrington is apparently fueled by passion and Citizen Signat... more»
I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being, Myself

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Commentary

In this world, there are all kinds of chicks—tall ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, even some real ugly ones that my buddy Jeff calls "double baggers"—ha! more»
Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Today Now!

Jim and Tracy partner with the "Bridles of Hope" charity to replace the wife Don Groton lost to a drunk driver with a beautiful miniature horse. more»
Your Horoscopes - Week Of January 24, 2012

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Horoscope

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub... more»
Biden Pins Up Guitar Lesson Flyers On White House Bulletin Board

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | News in Photos
Giffords To Resign

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | American Voices

Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) announced on her website this past weekend that she would resign her seat in the House to concentrate on her recovery. more»
North Korea Returns To Normalcy With Synchronized Disco Jump-Rope Gala

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—In a sign that North Korea is finally returning to normal following the death of Kim Jong-il, the country reportedly held a festive synchronized disco jump-rope gala in Pyongyang's main public square this week. more»
Women Now Empowered By Everything A Woman Does

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.24.12 | Radio News
Prince Fielder Catching On To Fact That Teams Take Free Agents Out To Dinner A Lot

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | Sports News in Brief

ORLANDO, FL—After recently visiting the Texas Rangers to discuss the possibility of signing a long-term contract, All-Star first baseman Prince Fielder told reporters Monday he's beginning to notice how many complimentary meals he's getting from int... more»
Ron Paul Supporter Likes The Way Paul Tells It Like It Has No Chance Of Being

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | News in Brief

RICHMOND, IN—Self-proclaimed strict constitutionalist and freethinker Rick Crawford told reporters Monday he is supporting Ron Paul in the 2012 Republican presidential primaries because of the way the candidate looks people directly in the eye, does... more»
2011 In Review: Nation Shocked To Find Out Elizabeth Taylor Wasn't Already Dead

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

As part of the 2011 Year In Review, Tucker remembers Elizabeth Taylor, Amy Winehouse, and Randy Savage. more»
Un-Suitor-able.

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | Editorial Cartoon
Paula Deen Has Diabetes

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | American Voices

Chef Paula Deen announced this week that she has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. What do you think? more»
The Week In Pictures

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.23.12 | Slideshow
Nation Impressed By Feats Of Very Strong Little Boy

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | News

WILLIAMSON, NY—Seven-year-old elementary school student Michael Sartinsky has once again wowed the nation with the latest impromptu demonstration of his almost superhuman strength, this time lifting an entire frozen turkey clear over his head and ho... more»
Idiot Man-Child Destroys The Set Of Jeopardy

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.23.12 | Radio News
NBA Announces Supernatural Investigation Spin-Off ‘NBA Nights’

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.22.12 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Facing financial shortfalls due to an abbreviated season and eager to compete with traditional prime-time entertainment, the National Basketball Association announced Friday it would soon debut NBA Nights, an hour-long suspense serie... more»
Wooden Fruit Hoping To Become Real Fruit One Day

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.21.12 | News in Photos
Eli Manning

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.21.12 | Strongside/Weakside

He has one Super Bowl ring and has led his team to another NFC Championship Game, but many still aren't ready to call Eli an elite quarterback. Is he any good? more»
Arizona Iced Tea Unveils New 4-Foot-Tall Cans

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.21.12 | News in Photos
College Basketball Warns People Not To Get Excited About It Yet

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.21.12 | Sports News in Brief

INDIANAPOLIS—Admitting it is "enormously worried" some people are taking an interest in its emerging storylines this early in the season, the sport of college basketball made a statement Saturday urging fans and the media to ignore it... more»
Miranda July Called Before Congress To Explain Exactly What Her Whole Thing Is

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.21.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Congress convened a special investigative committee this week in an attempt to put to rest questions that have puzzled the nation for much of the past decade, namely what public figure Miranda July's whole thing is, exactly. July—of... more»
New Super Stats

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.20.12 | Sportsgraphic

Sports is currently enjoying an era of unprecedented statistical analysis, with Moneyball having opened the floodgates for stats-oriented people to find new benchmarks in every sport. more»
Oh Christ, Mascot Headed Right For You

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.20.12 | Photo Finish
What Are We Hiding From Our Parents?

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.20.12 | Statshot
Snake Gets Tattoo Of Dude On Its Face

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.20.12 | Onion Review

The nation's gross doctors recommend drinking eight cups of clam juice per day, a snake gets a tattoo of a dude on its face, and the Supreme Court overturns Right v. more»
Gross Doctors Recommend Drinking 8 Warm Cups Of Clam Juice A Day

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.20.12 | News in Brief

ATLANTA—A report released Friday by the Centers for Disease Control's Department of Gross Medicine concludes that people should consume eight cups of warm clam juice a day. more»
101 Ways To Drive Your Best Friend Wild

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.20.12 | Sunday Magazine
Obama Rejects Keystone Pipeline

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.20.12 | American Voices

Citing environmental concerns, the Obama administration is rejecting the proposed Canada-to-U.S. oil pipeline, but may reconsider if the builders propose a different route. more»
Seattle Mariners Hope Jesus Montero Can Get Good Enough To One Day Sign With Yankees

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.20.12 | Sports News in Brief

SEATTLE—Introducing former Yankee farmhand Jesus Montero to the media Friday, the Seattle Mariners said they have high expectations for the newly acquired catching prospect, a player they hope will eventually become great enough to desert them for a... more»
Sheepish Secret Service Agent Can't Explain How Vacuum Cleaner Salesman Got Into Oval Office

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.20.12 | Radio News
Baltimore Ravens Admit They Like The Ugly Wins

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.19.12 | Sports News in Brief

BALTIMORE—Reflecting on a 12-4 season that showcased their gritty, brash, defense-first style, the Baltimore Ravens admitted Thursday that while everyone else chases the pretty, sexy wins, they actually prefer theirs ugly. more»
Romney Facing Flak For Turn As Venture Capitalist

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.19.12 | Infographic

Rivals have bashed Mitt Romney for his role at Bain Capital—the investment group that held stakes in such businesses as Sports Authority, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Domino’s Pizza—claiming his pursuit of personal profit cost hundreds ... more»
Washington Wizards Rallying League To Restart Lockout

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.19.12 | OSN GOOMF

Doc and Kenny give us each other hell as Tim Tebow's defeat has millions flocking to God, while the Yankees act like paupers and the Wizards beg for a lockout. more»
Santorum Won Iowa Caucus

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.19.12 | American Voices

A recount of votes in the Iowa caucus shows that former senator Rick Santorum actually beat Mitt Romney by 34 votes. more»
Rick Perry Experiences Overwhelming Feeling Of Clarity And Contentment In Final Moments Before Death Of Campaign

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.19.12 | News in Brief

COLUMBIA, SC—Texas governor Rick Perry experienced a profound moment of peace and serenity Thursday morning just before his campaign to be president of the United States slipped away into the darkness, meeting its death. more»
Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.19.12 | News

WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, confused White House staffers arrived at their desks Wednesday to find a meticulously researched, entirely unrequested report from the Interior Department assessing dry humping as a suitable sex alternative f... more»
Nation's Substitute Teachers Would Like To Know Who Threw That

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.19.12 | Radio News
Justin Timberlake Wins Golden Globe For Funniest Goofball At His Table

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.18.12 | StarFix

Justin Timberlake finally receives the recognition he deserves for being everybody's favorite jokester. more»
Zappos Hacked

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.18.12 | American Voices

The online shoe retailer Zappos was hacked, leaving much of its customer data compromised. What do you think? more»
Supreme Court Overturns 'Right v. Wrong'

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.18.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Striking down the judicial precedent that established the legal supremacy of right over wrong more than two centuries ago, the U.S. more»